Conversations

"All right Doc, you have three choices. You and I can sit here all night long and talk. We can go to a 24 hour coffee shop and speak there, or I can take you home. What's it going to be?"

She gave a little snort. "You aren't that great a conversationalist; you may as well just take me home." Still quick with a sharp wit even in the face of all this. I was starting to like Dr. Adams.

We drove the 35 minutes to her apartment in silence. Each of us lost in our own thoughts. I did keep looking over at her and even in the darkness could tell she was having bad thoughts. Most people who commit suicide don't want to die anymore than anyone else. They just have acceptance that there is nothing else to live for and their desire to stop their pain is stronger than their fear of death. And Doctor Adams, like most medical professionals had little fear of death anyway. They saw it everyday.

Doctors and nurses understand that no matter how much physical or mental pain someone is in at the moment of the cessation of their life, you can observe the agonizing scars of age, disease, and pain disappear and the deceased would have an indescribable look of peace. All the age lines and crevices of ache and suffering disappear. Their eyes long dulled by aging are alive and bright, and for a moment they look young again. Many who have been too long in the field, and have seen too much, are envious of the dying. Of course it only lasts a moment before the physiological process of death takes over, but it is the last moment that one remembers. For medical personnel and others such as military and first responders, it must sometimes seem tempting.

I had lost my wife, but I wasn't going to lose Dr. Toni Adams. The irony wasn't lost on me.

When we arrived at her apartment I escorted her to the door, took her keys from her, unlocked it and followed her inside.

"Thank you Jim, I can get myself to bed. What are you doing?"

I was taking off my jacket and tie followed by kicking off my shoes. "I'm not leaving you alone tonight. I will sleep here on the couch, but I am not going to leave you until I know you are going to be ok. You are too important. Don't even think about arguing." And I plopped myself down on the couch and watched her. She just stared back at me for a few moments, then without a word turned and walked into her bedroom. I looked around the apartment. It was pretty stark for a woman's home. There was not a single family photo or memory to be seen anywhere. Not a good sign.

Five minutes later she came back out wrapped in a fluffy blue and white robe. She went to the kitchenette and poured us a couple of glasses from a previously opened bottle of red wine. She came into the living room and sat down on the couch next to me. She once again had tears in her eyes, but they were of a different kind. They were tears of gratitude.

"Ok Jim let's talk."

Sometimes it doesn't take much more than caring to save someone's life.

Five years later:

Today was the 5^th anniversary of my divorce being finalized and coincidently it was my first grandchild Jonathon's 2^nd Birthday. Today would be the initial time Jill and I had been in the same place at the same time since I filed for divorce. That isn't completely true. We tried to be in the same room once a few months after the final decree, but it didn't go well at all.

It was partially my fault; well admittedly it was mostly my fault. I could have taken the high road and been an adult about it, but I was still pretty angry so when my wife approached me to 'talk about it' at our daughter's graduation reception, I took the low road instead.

"Hello Jim, I've missed you...."

When I interrupted with "Hello Miss Brett how are......" she ran crying out of the room. If looks could kill I would have been dead right then and there. Most of the family members in attendance were shooting daggers at me. I did have to give credit to our kids though. We raised them right and they were smart enough not to get into the middle of our separation. But as they pointed out after the reception fiasco, I acted childishly. They did however have the good sense to decide that there would be no further attempts at having the two of us at the same family function.

Well what did they expect? Our divorce was pretty acrimonious. I can't take all the credit for that because even though I was angry and wanted my pound of flesh, my wife fought the divorce in every way she could, which I wasn't exactly sure how you did that in a no fault environment. I think her strategy was to utilize every delaying tactic possible to make the divorce so expensive I would give it up. Having money though is one of the few downsides in a divorce; it can go on for quite awhile and lawyers get paid regardless. In any case I wasn't giving it up. But, Dr. Adams had been right again, Jill thought I would get past her 'little weekend fling.' I wondered if she tried the same tactics during her divorce. I never asked her though.

Jill also somehow got the family law judge to order mandatory counseling. I suppose it wasn't really mandatory, but when the judge looks at you and says, "Mr. Michaels, while I can't order counseling because there are no minor children involved, are you really saying that you can't do a few weeks of counseling to try and save a 25 year relationship?" What are you suppose to do? We agreed, I mean to say the lawyers agreed on 12 sessions but after the 3^rd one both my wife and the assigned counselor knew it was hopeless and we all agreed to call it off. As I remember it my wife ran out the room crying then too.

I think the consensus was reached after I said something like, "Do you really believe I am going to stay married to a bitch that wanted to introduce me to her boyfriend so she could tell me she was going to fuck him all weekend long in the middle of a damn charity function with a couple hundred people watching?" It was an honest question, but perhaps I could have been more tactful. It did get my point across though.

I did get the last laugh too. After her counseling gambit, I had my very eager young heavily saddled with tuition debt lawyer amend the divorce petition to include spousal support for me. You see my wife's total income package was more than twice mine. And after 25 years I had the right to a portion of it. Something about 'in a manner accustomed to'? I didn't really need it as we were both able to provide for ourselves comfortably enough, but it was the principle of it, right? Although not nearly what I demanded, I did get a nominal amount mostly because her legal team told her what might happen with her investments, retirement, profit sharing, etc. if we didn't have an agreement in place beforehand. She conceded to the support and I knew it galled her because our finances were always separate. I was happy. The money I put into a savings account for any future grandchildren.

But the thing I was most happy about was, as part of the final decree that we had agreed to in the settlement; she was supposed to retake her maiden name back as her legal name. I wanted to be completely done with her.

I know I should have just done a simple split and moved on but the pain and humiliation for the unmerciful way she destroyed my esteem made me feel justified. Now five years later my anger had abated and I agreed with my son that his expectation that both his parents could act like adults at our grandchild's birthday party wasn't unreasonable. Plus he said the entire family was fed up with having to coordinate things so the infantile ex's didn't have to see each other.

He was being polite, because everyone really meant it was just me that was being infantile. I was always proud of him and I think a father is most proud of his children when he is confronted with the truth and recognizes that his child is correct and he is wrong. I don't know if the same is true for mothers?

So that brings us to today, as I am standing in my son's expansive back yard already filled with entertainment devices that no 2 year old could possible master. But it is an exceptionally good family yard; for some reason it gives me feelings of hope. I have a light beer in my hand waiting for my ex to make her appearance. I had gone for a double scotch on the rocks but my daughter in law gave me the stink eye so I settled for the beer. Again, based on what was to come it was probably a better choice. Maybe Jill will chicken out? That's doubtful, because she has wanted to talk for years. Interestingly I don't feel any of the anxiety and anger I've felt in the past when I thought of her. Maybe it was time.

As I was reveling in the back yard's ambiance I saw her come in. She still looked beautiful. My heart didn't skip a beat or anything, but I did smile involuntarily. I quickly looked around embarrassed to see if anyone saw my expression. She seemed a little nervous but never the less made her rounds to the family and spent some time on one knee talking to the birthday boy. I couldn't tell if she had seen me yet, but I assumed not. So I just kept to myself staring at something resembling a Jungle Jim. The only thing was it looked way too safe for a boy to be interested in playing on it?

Nearing the end of my inspection I was disappointed to conclude that there was not even one single way for a kid to injure themselves on it, I heard her voice.

"Hello Jim, how have you been?"

I turned to her. Yes she definitely looked good. I stared at the Manhattan, her favorite drink, in her hand. It wasn't even in a coupe, but a tall bar glass. "They made me get a light beer," as I lifted my bottle into her field of vision. "Oh well," I sighed. "I've been good Jill."

There was a bit of an uncomfortable pause then for some reason I blurted out. "You never had your name changed back like you agreed to?"

Surprisingly she didn't burst into tears and run out of the party. She merely responded calmly.

"So sue me. It's not like you haven't done it before. I didn't have it changed because I still consider you my husband even if in your eyes and the law's I'm not."

I couldn't help myself, I had to laugh. She used to make me do that a lot. "Ok, Jill Michaels it is then."

"You know I have been keeping tabs on you." She offered unapologetically.

That raised my eyebrows and my hackles. "No I didn't know that." I snapped at her.

She waved me off with a brush of her hand. "Oh don't worry it's not anything sub-rosa. I met your friend Dr. Adams. We have talked quite a bit the last couple of years or so. Actually we've developed a bit of a bond. It might be too soon to say we are friends, but I think we are good for each other."

I was beginning to believe our meeting today may have been a very poor idea.

She noticed my expression. "Please don't be angry with her. I begged her not to tell you. I know you two are good friends and I didn't want to ruin that. I just wanted to try to understand how I could have done what I did to you, to us. Honestly, we don't even discuss you. We are just trying to help each other." She expressed sincerely.

"Wow, weird I should be very upset but I'm not." I thought. "I'm not angry with you Jill; have you two made any progress in your understanding?" I quizzed without a trace of rancor.

"Some but it is a work in progress. She is quite a woman. She told me that you saved her life."

"No I didn't. She saved herself. I just provided the opportunity for her to do so. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am truly interested in understanding more about what happened. Or more accurately why?" I surprised even myself with how calm I was.

"Would you like to sit down and talk some?"

Jill had to choke back her emotions. "Yes Jim I would very much like to talk about it."

We found an unoccupied table as far from the crowd as we could and sat facing each other.

"Before we start Jill, just promise me no matter what, you won't lie to me. We have too much of a history together and we're too old to play any more games. If you ever had any love, any respect, any feelings for me at all, just please don't lie to me?"

She was already crying. It seems that if there is one thing I am good at, it is making women cry.

She nodded her head definitively and spoke softly, "I promise." She pulled out a handkerchief wiped her eyes and blew her nose. Not very ladylike and it drew attention from the gathered partiers.

I couldn't help it, I smiled at her. "You know, the handkerchief thing always bothered me. Even when we first met I thought. Here was this beautiful, self confident young woman, a woman who knew what she wanted in life. She was so gorgeous, charming and feminine. You were always an attention getter, from both sexes. You were so special and yet you blew your nose like a cigar chomping fat middle-aged truck driver in a restroom at the local truck stop. Some things never change I guess."

We both cracked up and laughed uncontrollable for about five minutes. I'm sure the family went from being worried we would kill each other to thinking we were crazy almost instantly. But it did break the ice for us.

When we had finally calmed Jill went first. "Jim I don't want to pry into your personal life but Toni is very fond of you. She's quite attached and it makes me jealous. I know I don't have the right to feel that way, but I do." She was nervous but not being accusatory. "How come you never married her?"

My instinct was to respond with something along the lines of, "none of your damn business!" but instead I opted for sincerity and openness with the understanding that it was past time to do so.

"Jill, Toni and I are really good friends. We do a lot of couples things together and she gives me peace and comfort. Believe it or not, but in the five years I have known her we have been intimate less than a handful of times. That's not what our relationship is about."

"I will never ask her to marry me, partly because I don't want to risk ruining a beautiful friendship, but mostly because of what she did." I hoped I wasn't hurting Jill but I had to be truthful. "I was destroyed by what you did to me. Toni told me that evening and a couple of times since that if that piece of crap asked her to, despite everything that she suffered, she would have sex with him on the fifty yard line during halftime at the Super Bowl. I can't risk having that happen to me again, I just can't." I hesitated unsure of the impact my words were having on her.

I continued. "You probably don't know it, our kids certainly don't, nor will they ever, but I went through two years of therapy trying to understand what happened to me that evening. I know I reacted calmly and as if I was in control, but in reality I was devastated. Did Toni tell you how often lover boy pulled that stunt and the foundation's reaction to it?"

"Yes, but Jim I never fooled myself. Even while I was standing there with him falling under his spell, I understood what the reality was. He didn't get me into his bed by telling me lies, in which he had found his soul mate in me. He never said it's our destiny to be together for the rest of our lives and travel the world in luxury. He simply told me that if I spent the weekend with him he would promise me the best sex of my life. He told me that when I drew my last breath on earth our weekend together would be foremost on my mind. That's all, and for some reason, even 5 years of therapy haven't provided me an answer for, I agreed to it."

"Well was it? Was it the best sex of your life?" This was a moment of truth.

Jill never even hesitated; there would be no more lies, at least from her. "Yes Jim it was. I know that hurts you and I'm terribly sorry, but I won't lie to you ever again. The truth of the matter is, nothing can compare to it, and before you ask, I would like to think if he came for me again I would say no, but I couldn't promise that to you. In fact I spent the next several months after I knew you were gone and not coming back looking for the deep sensual emotion I had discovered that weekend. I'm afraid I did some shameful things. Toni, who did the same, called it the search for the endless orgasm."

"Thank you for being honest. It does hurt, but I think a lie right now would have hurt more. I have another hard question for you. Candidly Jill, over the years I have actually come to understand why you might have wanted to go with Rittenhouse. Toni and I have discussed her reasoning or lack there of, for her actions. I think I have gotten past that part and maybe if that is all there was too it, we could have worked our way through it somehow."

"God I know. Toni told me about your feelings about what was happening earlier in the party. I am so s......"

I put my hand up with the international symbol for stop. "What I will never be able to get past. And honestly the reason we will never get back together is, the way you did it. Oh, I understand why the shithead told you to do it that way. He got off on the humiliation factor for the poor sap of a husband. But how could you walk up to your devoted and loving husband of 25 years, the father of your children, the man who celebrated every success with you. The man who held you and wept with you at every failure and pain you every felt in your adult life, and in a public setting and tell me you were going to take a lover and fuck each other's brains out all weekend long? Then return to me and expect to have our life go on as if nothing of significance had occurred?"

Now I was the one close to tears. "What possessed you? You couldn't even discreetly come to me alone and talk about it private?"

She stood silent and frozen for a full minute. She didn't cry though, maybe she didn't have any tears left.

"I don't know Jim, I honestly don't know. I could give you all the standard crap about me being worried about growing old, you neglecting me, hormone imbalances, etc. But none of that bullshit was true. That's what is killing me. Five years later and I don't know how I could do that to you."

"He simply told me that was the way we had to do it. That it would be best for everyone, so I did it. When he said it, it just made sense. So that's what I did. I knew I was hurting you, but I honestly thought we could work past it. When he took me home that Sunday night, and yes he took me home. He was a perfect gentleman but he ended it by literally flipping on a light switch in his suite and told me that it was time for him to get me home. Before I got out of the car in front of our house he thanked me for a great time and kissed me on the cheek and it was over and done."

"That's how I felt too. It was over. When I came home I honestly thought you would be waiting for me. When I realized you were gone I actually got angry with you for running out on me, can you believe that? It's why I fought the divorce so hard. I was going to make you pay. Nice touch on the alimony thing by the way."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "Jill you aren't some high school drop out living in a single wide trailer working part time at King Super. You have an advanced finance degree and practically run a Fortune 500 company for Christ sake!"

She didn't answer. There was no fight left in her. She was exposed, no part of her hidden from me. I have never seen her look so vulnerable. The answers to my questions might never come because she truly didn't know them. How is that even possible?

"What do you want from me Jill?"

She was almost begging. "Jim I want you to save me too. You did it for Toni and she did the same thing as I did. And you are with her. I just want to be back in your life. I can accept us never being married again even living together, but I can't live with you not being in my life. It's killing me that I made us strangers."

Up until today I would have snapped out the obvious response. "Because I was never married to her!" But I decided to remain silent.