All Comments on 'Corruption'

There was exceedingly little in this story that wasn't depressing. That's not to say that it wasn't good writing, but on the whole it came across as a bit dystopian - hitting on the same note of "isn't it awful - awful - awful" the whole time.

The ending I felt was...too fast. We had 14 pages of story concluded by 3 pages of a rushed counselling process (for issues like Jerry's, years of therapy is more likely rather than weeks or months) and a shockingly short "revenge/justice" scene. Given the effort that had gone into the first section, it would have been appropriate to break it off at Jerry's release from prison and call that part Part 1. Then do Part 2 to deal with the aftermath, devoting just as much time as you did for Part 1. The whole sequence of counselling (and I'm not going to rule out reconciliation as being impossible, just exceedingly difficult to achieve and requiring a lot of time - like years) and bringing the criminals to justice could then be explored in depth.

Oh, and as a final thought it would be appropriate to submit both sections at once. That way you can avoid complaints from people who bitch about "when's the next bit due?".

You asked for feedback so here is mine. I do remember reading this a year ago on a different site before you got an editor and remember thinking you needed help. This is much better. Your use of American English is so good that I can't believe you are not American.

I have to say I had very mixed emotions about this story. Most of what you wrote about prison life was dead on, but the corruption bothered me. The sex was repetitive, but I think that was intentional, and it probably is for whores. It was also clear to me that you were more interested in what was going on in Jenny's head than the sex. That was different and very interesting. The second part was more interesting, though not up to your other later stories. It felt rushed, especially the ending, which had a "and they lived happily ever after" feel to it.

I do like your writing, it has a flow to it and your insight into your characters also makes it hard for me to believe you are as young as you say. I read what you said in the feedback forum, and I do hope you don't stop writing. Congratulations on your marriage, but don't try to hide this from your bride it is a very bad idea. Especially if she's going to be a Marine officer, a very bad idea!!!!!!!

Not one that was fun to read but it was filled with strong emotions.

I had read the older part before and the new stuff was a good enhancement. It's clear that you put a lot of effort in this.

Regards, DJ

and well thought out story.

Endings are always a bitch! I agree that the ending 'seemed' hurried after all that went before it.

You did such a great job with the set up and her despair at his knowledge, then, as another poster said, you patched it in very few pages.

I liked the ending and the FBI bit, just a little to quickly done. Repetetive sex descriptions also spoiled it a bit - not gonna read much different at my age.

Overall a really good story I enjoyed reading.

Thanks for posting it in one piece - its the only way to go!!

17 pages?

YEAH wife was inexpreinced in sexual matters and yeah she had good bad and kinky sex with the gaurds.... OK WE GOT THAT !!!!

FOR 14 OR 17 oages?

To be honest with you, I really liked the plot but the mild sex scenes and the unhappy set of mind your main character is in seems a bit off key. I love the fact that we spend so much time in her head but I just wish well she would get over things a bit faster, she talks about how scared she is and how nervous she is for many many pages. Great plot, nice flow,and cute ending but just trust your readers to get the point after the tenth time you mention something.

Like others, I don't think it's too long, if anything it's not long enough. I was pilled in right away by the unusual plot. The only part I didn't like was the end... I wanted to know more about his time as a narc.

I'm sending this to my brother a guard at a prison, I think he will like it too.

The characters were human but both were flawed, just like in RL. He was a crook, who worked for the mob. She was a whore. Yet both loved the other and were trying to do what they thought was right for the other. Keep writing

Very good story even though I was real pissed off with Jenny at the beginning whining like a bitch. Thank god she realized it was her fault that got her husband into prison and stuck it out with him and not ran off like other stupid selfish spineless wives.

That aside your english is powerful. Anytime better than some 'real' American or English.

Two thumbs up!

It's really difficult to provide reasonable comments in this venue to a story 17 Lit. pages long. This was extremely well writtten and intelligently plotted. I was very intrigued with Jenny, you developed her character very well. This reader was able to empathize and sympathize with this protagonist.

The story was obviously a psychological drama, delving into the mind and emotions of both Jenny and Jerry. I really didn't think the ending rushed; I don't think that any reader would really want to go through the angst that both of them experienced after Jerry's release.

I enjoyed the story. I thought it was very well done. Were there flaws? of course, but overall a magnificance effort and result.

I loved it, thank you very much.

I read Blue88's review then downloaded the story. I agree with everything he said. I never expected to see a story like this here. Keep writing.

At first I did not like the way she accepted her whore role just to save her husband's ass. No spouse with any bit of dignity would want her to take that deal. Sure enough Jerry hated what she did but he did not hate her. Then when she realized that what she did was wrong you rescued the story from being a story justifying her means with the ends. Your ending was somewhat bitter sweet because Jerry went from not wanting to be around her to helping her with that powerful cleaning ceremony. Jerry did owe her his life but she had to have been fucked over a hundred times.

In sum you started with two losers who through trial and troubles became winners. Once again thanks for writing it.

SleeplessinMD

First, I must say your writing is superb and plot layout is outstanding. Your use of emotion is without a doubt unsurpassed. You continue to draw the reader into the story, as your images are so clear to the mind.

I have a problem with the way the reconciliation is handled by the characters. This plot is as dark as any scenario on this site. For the husband as portrayed to be able to accept his wife’s story of all the events that led up to and concluded her life after he married her is doubtful. His own sense of being incarcerated and finding out his wife had dozens of men many times doing everything imaginable on many occasions would be more then he would be able to really get a handle on along with his own experiences.

His bitterness of everything in the last three years would have been severe for the heartiest of personalities. His acceptance of more devastation by his wife’s actions and purported reasons would have put him in a rage or depression so deep it would take years if not a lifetime to cope with.

The easiest and usual solutions to both characters would be to separate their lives in stages and most helpful would be to separate them physically from each other on a daily basis. The hope of getting past such deep destruction for both is doubtful unless they both feel like they deserved to have gone through this torment by their own actions and not the actions of the other.

I could see a future of self-loathing and betrayal and eventual loss of any respect of the other and eventual hostile feelings winning out as time went by. Remembrance of this period of their life is going to be there in their minds and can become more pervasive in each life as they contemplate when it will all come back up in their thoughts and how it will keep dragging them back to that time.

She still has to deal with any thoughts her husbands actions or inactions were initial reason she had to endure this savagery and his wrath. She knows he was trying to placate her but she will wonder why he let it happen and not standup to her wants and actions. She will always have incidents remind her of the acts and feelings she has experienced.

He will have to always know he got himself into this by being a man who let his wife run the relationship through threat and he acquiesced every time. He will know she has told him some of it was not totally unpleasant even though she didn’t want any of it to happen. He will know others have had more of her then he has known and she has experienced things he can never know or share, bad and possibly good, that he will never be sure of. Bitterness is likely to come up and the repression of that could well become harder and harder as time goes by. Eventually both partners would probably have problems keeping a love of each other alive and see it slowly decay to an unhappy ending.

Both characters divorcing and trying to move on would be more then likely and more therapeutic then trying to start anew in a relationship between them, built on a past of deceit, physical brutality, psychological torture, blame and hatred of what was aloud to happen and why.

Sometimes divorce is therapeutic and very necessary as it relieves the pain and removes the source of that pain and frustration. Not all psychology is to repair what was but to put health back into the life of the patient. It would not have been a story after he got out of jail without trying the reconciliation as it would have ended with each separating and moving on. End of story.

Very good story and so well done again by you.

With the highest of respect

PT

I had to download it, but I think it was worth the time. I don't know much about consouling, I've never had any, but I do believe that people can work through their problems if they are prepared to confront them head on. These people did and it workd.

I'm just happy i never had to face anything like this.

Good story.

1. The fact that threat of bodily harm to her husband was used to coerce her complicity into having sex made this arrangement rape in the 1st degree.

2. If a individual is capable of committing rape what other criminal acts is he capable of?

3. There is no way that threat of serious bodily harm could not be taken seriously. Jerry's extortion by gang members may in fact have been at the behest of the very correctional officers involved in the rape blackmail scheme. He may have been able to fend off some attacks but sooner or later he was going to experience trauma. If the guards "green-lighted" his attack and turned a blind eye at the right moment Jerry was certain to be overwhelmed and injured in some way. If the guards knew in advance an attack was imminent and in fact carried out this points to their involvement and complicity in arranging the event. Jerry and Jenny were already jumping through major financial hoops yet everything they were doing and enduring was public knowledge to Maria, a co-conspirator of the guards?! Jenny was targeted just as a pimp targets runaways because of her looks and vulnerable situation. Once the guards investigation of Jenny was complete they knew they had Jenny in a no-win situation. If she complies she gets raped and if she doesn't Jerry is guaranteed to be injured. This is no different from a thug(s)executing a home invasion and using the threat of bodily harm to other loved ones in the home to gain control and rape an innocent victim. Dennis Rader (BTK) used this tactic in one of his home invasions and killed the mother during her rape while her children were locked in the bathroom. Did her complicity to be tied up, raped, and murdered make her a cheating slut and whore under this similar circumstance? The fact that Jerry and the marriage counselor couldn't see these facts, even with the lifer's advice (an oxymoron if I've heard one) and his certainty that he could handle himself, he had to see for himself how the guards really worked in prison sooner or later and should have been able to identify with the actions of his wife on his behalf.

It's all in the title!

The story is excellent, well thought out, unrushed and well presented. It would be a 9 on a scale of 10 except for the glaring problems with grammar, spelling and missing words. That kept tossing me out of the story and I had to fight my way back in. Don't let so much good work be destroyed by lack of a grammar checker like what Word Perfect has. I'd fix it and replace it with the corrected version.

Thanks for the tale. I'm flagging it as a reference for others to read. :-))

I thought the story was incredible but i think Jenny held back about about Kevin she didnt tell Jerry that she forgot all about jerry to cheat with Kevin she never even thought of Jerry when she gave herself to him Jerry forgave her to quickly that shrink should have put her under to get the truth I hope you write more i would love to know what happened to Maria the woman that had her husband Juan in prison was all that a lie did she really have her husband there ?

Pat Murray

Atlanta,Ga.

Very complete story that is dark, a tale of rape. The only part that I wonder about is at the start, Jenny is told "What goes on here stays here."

Yet you have the guards telling the mob connected prisoner, who is about to get out, that many of them had used his wife sexually. That would seem to be very dangerous, and sure to end up coming back at them.

I still have a copy of this from when you were working on it. I'm sorry I didn't know it had been submitted. It shows a quality that is rarely seen from someone who's first language isn't English and is a good effort in the genre (where quality is usually lacking). I'll miss you my friend . . . life is truly unfair.

....Des

I think your writers skills are superb in telling a story. This one was about sex but you could equally do any type and i would enjoy reading it. I think that most people got something personal out of it but I can't help but think that Jenny finally learned her lesson about being a bitch wife and spoiled at that. PMS is often a womans excuse for being spoiled and this time it backfired on her. Two women loved Jerry. Jenny the wife and Jenny the PMS spoiled bitch. You seemed to have found the perfect way to teach her that being a spoild bitch was wrong. The way the men used her was more than a million shrinks could have done. They forced the bitch in her to look at herself and see the errors of her ways. Like I said before it was brilliant and I never thought I would say that to LIT writer. I do have a degree in Psychology and I understand it just enough to know that you have also.Again I have to say thank you marriedwithballs@yahoo.com

I couldn't stop reading it - I had to find out what happened next. I really admire how you portrayed Jerry's struggle to reconcile his wife's actions against his past experiences with his mother. I loved how they worked so hard through their problems and saved their marriage. Call me corny, but I was really hoping that this story ended well for these these two characters, so I found the ending wonderful. I will definitely be on the lookout for more stories from you.

I really enjoyed your story. The English had obvious flaws but the actual thought process was brilliant. Some parts dragged on for too long and some parts were too short! I was so bored at how detailed the process of Jenny going to the trailer and all her preparations to do so. However I really didn't understand the ending and I was confused even after reading it several times. However, the story in all was brilliant. Loved it!

as for the best writer on the site....i'd have to say its the writer called shoguy....although she doesn't submit often enough, she has the best strries on this site...you wrote a ton of pages for a novel that went nowhere...sorry, but try to read shoguy...scorching! every page

Contrived and pedantic, 3 pager at best, not bad for a first effort but nowhere near his better submissions

A bit long but very enjoyable.

There were a few spelling errors but they didn't detract from the story, just something I thought you'd like to know

Great as erotica, nice long story thoughtfully written

Jerry was a fucking pussy!

First Jerry gets thrown in prison because he's desperate to cater to a spoiled bitch.

Then he gets back with her despite knowing that she willingly became a whore, a slut like his mother, everything he didn't want in woman.

The only sensible end would have been a divorce, anything else boggles the mind.

Goes in top ten shittest stories.

Read pages 1 & 2, then went to 17.....sick 1*

But a very credible feel to this story. However, the predators at the trailer and their conniving whore recuiters needed to learn the meaning of pain. I know it wasn't that style of story but I would have liked to see great vengeance and furious anger visited upon them by the released husbands of the conned whore wives.

But overall not bad 4*

that you turned this story into a good one. Helluva job sticking the landing. Read it again after a LONG time. Wonder if I said something different back in the day.

amusing if he had gone into witsec and left her behind. Only reason the real ending works is, she, in her mind, was doing it for him. Watch Outlander. Tell us what you think of what he allowed to be done to him to save his wife.

Lost interest after the first page.

I really appreciate your background building and character building. I’ve even learned some things from this story that I want to incorporate into my own marriage.

Can’t accept this shit…no payback on the asshole jailers?

Good story! The first day of dancing description is waaay tooo long.

Good writer. But wow a difficult topic. Regardless of how they both suffered, would have been hard to get past thr brutality of what she felt she was compelled to do and at thr same time thr depth of what Jerry can only see as a betrayal. Just psychologically damaging for both of them. He sees a psychologist about his childhood and mother but what about her? She was essentially raped over and over. Certainly extorted without real consent. She went to her party girl persona to survive. Her subconscious and her nightmares belie what really happened. She used her conscious mind to rationalize her actions and put herself in there to suffer the sexual depredations of the predator guards, but again her subconscious showed how much she hated what she felt compelled to do. Sure she had some individual times where some of the acts gave ger pleasure. Doesn't mean it wasn't still basically rape. Certainly under such heavy extortion it was nonconsent. Way beyond reluctance. Without her time in the trailer, he admitted he would have been severely injured in an attack or worse when the payoff money dried up. Her work with the Feds also busted up this sick ring of rapists and put them in jail. However the sheer scale.of the physical cheating, yes cheating since she did not consult Jerry so technically cheating, despite also being rape, really odd and twisted scenario, makes it hard to see how they both heal enough to reconcile. Of course he would have said "no" and probably died or barely survived his extra 2+ years. Well written but tough to handle. Imthink thr wife would have nightmares for many years and need counseling for a long time. Jerry also. Crazy.

A painful traumatizing experience. How can you survive that without another personality to hide behind?

The sole redeeming factor is the fact they could overcome repugnant past to be enjoined again.

The story a major flaw, what they were doing is illegal. Not only would they be fired, they would be prosecuted. The state would be sued for millions.

I've found this story only now, and read it in one go..... :)

It has powerful impact, and I'd REALLY like to give it 5*. But I can't. The reason was already stated more than once in comments; basically, the whole reconcilation was too quick and far-fetched.

While I know that such ending would be preferable, in reality such attempt would have maybe 1% of success.

I'm not against reconcilation, but it should take longer. Maybe even a scenario, where 1st reconcilation attempt was failure, followed by either separation or divorce.

After this it'd be some period of time with pair dealing with personal problems: her attempts to lessen newly awakened sexual drive plus confrontation with woman who started all of this; and his failure to move on with other women thanks to prison-caused inability to cater even their reasonable needs (or whims) plus maybe attempts to get some revenge on prison personnel.

Both would meet only in the ending phase, maybe in circumstances similar to original ones. After that it'd be 2nd attempt to reconcile - this time succesfull, maybe.

Story has nice settings and good potential, but it was quashed by too rushed reconcilation. In the end: 3*

I liked it. All of it. In fact expanding into a full sized novel would be great. Impossible I know. I find it amazing that an author so young could write with such feeling.

No mater how good this story is,the reconciliation did this story in..No man would take a used up whore back,that's what she was.He ended under protection as a snitch anyway.She should have talked to him...3 stars...JZK