Creating Sexy

To drinking cognac. I couldn't handle it - but it opened a new world for me, and I might be willing to try again some day.......

I sit there. Stomach in knots. Frustration, shame, doubt. I just ruined a two week sexting fling that rocked my world. I want it back. I wish it never happened. I wish I didn't ruin it. I wish my husband made me feel like that. The cycle of ups and downs, which I hear from my friend is normal, but for me - it is new, scary, exciting, and devastating.

I grew up when Sarah Plain and Tall was popular. I always thought of myself as Girl, Plain and Pleasantly Plump. I had two boyfriends during my middle school years. I would kiss them - but didn't really feel attracted to them or comfortable with my own body. Just felt like I wanted to have a boyfriend because it was the cool thing to do. In high school, I had some crushes. One was gay, one was way out of my league, and the one real possibility seriously dated a star athlete and the timing never worked. When I looked back now - he did ask me out - but I didn't get it at the time. Why would someone who had one of the best girls in school consider dating me? Would I be where I am today if I would have understood and said yes? I think of him sometimes and hope he is well.

I met my husband my first semester of college. He is one years older. It wasn't instant chemistry for me, but the way he accepted me, spent time with me, and listened to me - my love grew quickly. By three weeks in, I knew he was my person. We married when I was 21. We have only ever been with each other. It was a learning curve - forgetting those negative sexual teachings from overbearing supposed Christianity. Learning to ask for what I wanted and learning to masturbate to please myself in more than one way - beyond an initial basic orgasm to the kind that shakes your entire pelvis and brings on a rush of juices from the intensity. After twenty plus years, our sex was good. Making love was good. Fucking was good. Just thinking about it starts to make me wet and tingle. But it just wasn't frequent enough and I wanted more.

I have continuously worked on myself. I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, and feeling worthy. I take cues from others to make sure I am enough. It has complicated our sex life in the past, for sure. But we made it through - we also made it through the time my husband was addicted to porn and online chatting. Now it was his turn to struggle with body image and depression. His antidepressant had a large impact upon his ability to get and maintain an erection. He preferred master bating and felt so much pressure at work, that 12-14 hour days and 10-20 hours during the weekend were common place. While he is working at night, I was alone in bed wanting him, intimacy, sex. I contributed as well - I only like it at the end of the day - it's hard to turn my mind off from other things - it takes mental prep for me to feel sexy and turned on.

Time is short, we are both exhausted. We are both escaping into our own worlds to handle working and parenting. Having lived through a long work project for him a few times before - I knew it would be hard. I knew I would be lonely. I prayed my husband wouldn't escape into the world of the internet sex again. But I didn't know how to talk to him about these things without him feeling judged and criticized. Another area desperately in need of improvement for both of us.

Yet this time, I escaped into a world of online gaming. I made some friends. I dealt with some basic drama. But I enjoyed playing - too much - my kids asked me to quit and I did for several months. But as life became hard again - I redownloaded and began playing again. I missed some of the friends. I enjoy the game and the people.

A few months after returning to the game, I started messaging a new friend. Turned out this friend was 10 years younger than me and much more experienced at online sex chat and fantasy. The first night he saw my picture, and said I was gorgeous, sexy, and he loved my curves - I couldn't sleep. Those emojis drove me mad. Was this for real? Why had no one else ever said anything like this to me - my entire life? Surely this was a joke, and he was laughing at me on the other side. I thought of how sad I was when finding my husband was doing these kinds of things. I couldn't be a hypocrite.

But I couldn't make myself stop. I was obsessed with reading his messages, trying to get him to meet and really talk to me, and messaging him way too much. As I think about it, my face and stomach burn with shame. How could I do this to my husband? How could I be so out of control? How could I stop myself from needing and craving this feeling?

I thought I needed him to feel desirable, sexy, and gorgeous. I sent him pictures. I sent him videos. I wrote him erotic stories. I masturbated more than ever before. I took time to be by myself and pampered my skin, mani/pedi, fixed my hair and makeup daily, and just felt good about who I was.

Now, that I have driven him away with my demands for attention and validation- I still cycle through feeling okay, then stressed, then back again. I feel like no one would ever talk to me like that again. Want me like that again. I wallowed for a day. The second day, I had some ups and downs, but journaled to process through.

Now, day three, I'm determined to bring back that feeling again - but I don't need it from any single person outside of myself. I need to build myself up and teach my husband how to do this for me, just like he learned to truly pleasure me during our sex. But it requires me to know how to do it myself first.

Secretly, I still crave the words from men in the meantime, but no more personal connection and no more begging for attention from my online fling. So I have experimented with online chatting in the last 48 hours. I have received and sent some pictures. I have engaged in some kinky fantasies. I kind of like the milf chats the best, especially when they like to take charge. I can see why my husband used to do this. I have talked to him about chatting and he said he understood - just asked me to share with him what I do. But we haven't had any sexy time since the second day I started sexting. And I am horny and looking to feel good to keep the feelings of shame and loss at bay.

Last night when experimenting with an online chat room, a cute 30-something asked me to master bate together on a webcam. I'm not sure about this one. I told him I was going to check back tonight, and maybe try to be a little tipsy to work up the courage. I've gotten tipsy more in the last two weeks than the last ten years. It helped keep the worries at bay and focus on just feeling good.

Would a sexy, fit younger man really want to see me on webcam? Would I think it was sexy myself to be on a webcam? Do I really want to watch some random guy stroke himself? I like to imagine, whereas I know men like to view. But the thought of him stroking to me - now that is a bit more enticing. I was too nervous to share any pics with him last night. Maybe I could try watching him on webcam and take some sexy pics of myself tonight to send to him, but not try the webcam myself quite yet.

My husband will be traveling a lot over the next year. If I could figure out how to have sexy video chats with him - that could really spice things up for us and be in his comfort zone of masturbating without the performance pressure. I do have several toys I've purchased over the past few years. It seems men like the idea of thinking or seeing a woman use a toy. Would my husband like to see me use a toy on a webcam? Could I use these throw away chats as a way to fulfill my need for lust that I have developed? Could I use them as a way to regenerate lust within my husband - and build the frequency in which he feels it? I had to try.

I tried to focus on work for most of the day, but with a lull in-between chauffeuring the kids and my own appointments, I found myself drawn again to the online chat room. Not many people on at 3:45 pm on a random Tuesday, lol. But there was another 30 something with an online name referring to getting pegged. I wasn't sure about this, but what the heck - let's give it a whirl.

And boy, am I glad I did! Yes, he did want to get pegged. Yes, he did call me mommy. Not things that I generally find intriguing - but the thought of me generating such lust and desire within someone if I play that role - well, that I am very much into. He told me I would walk in on him with my favorite bbc dildo up his ass. I would punish him for being a dirty boy and make him get on his knees and lick my pussy to show me he was sorry. He would remove the dildo from his ass and start fucking me with it. Then move it to my ass while he stroked my dripping cunt with his cock.

The thought of him taking the dildo and deciding when and where I needed it, whew, I was so wet and horny. Grinding in my car seat and looking forward to a few hours later when I could be at home and maybe try a vibrator in my pussy and one in my ass. Mr. Peg asked if he could call me. I said, check back in the chat room at 7.

Therapy was empowering. I discussed everything and left feeling so good. I made it through some really hard things, and I felt beautiful and desirable, and I had a plan on how to seduce my husband. I continued on with mom duty until I arrived home at 6:30 pm. I quickly did some chores and made it upstairs to my room by 6:45 pm. When I logged on, Mr. Peg was there waiting. A pretty good feeling and further boost to the ego.

We did start off chatting. He was going to bend me over and lick me from ass to clit. He wanted to know what I was wearing, and if I had my toys out. I sent him a pic of my vibrators so he could decide which one went where. He chose the pink rabbit for my pussy. I lubed it up and asked his permission to use it. He said he wanted to hear it go in. Can we please call? I was still nervous - would he still think I was as sexy? Would the magic be lost by reality? I sent him a picture of me. He said I was sexy and beautiful and made him cum twice already that day, and he was working on the third time. That he let the cum stay and coat his cock and he kept going he was so turned on. Fuck me, music to my ears and the blood rushing to my cunt. I didn't care if it was real - it was fun to imagine.

We logged on - cameras off - and said basic introductions. I begged for permission to use my silver bullet 7" vibrator with a curved tip skin up my ass. I have never tried this before. And certainly nothing like this while the sun was still out. But I wanted his approval and I wanted to cum.

"Yes sexy, let me hear you moan as your ass swallows that dildo."

I lubed up, already incessantly panting and moaning. Ass play is newer for me. So I asked for some encouragement. "It's too big. I can't take it all in. I'll never fit your cock in me."

"You can do it baby, keep going, it'll get there."

"Ohhhhh, fuck me. This feels so good."

Why have I never done this? How can I stop myself from doing this every day, lol?

The orgasm is quickly upon me once the vibrater is in my ass. His voice urging me to cum, the sensations from my pussy and my ass, the desire to cum, the fulfillment of being called sexy and beautiful- and my orgasm rocked my world. It started in my pussy and pulsed for a good 30 seconds. My voice dropping half an octave as I moaned and whimpered. "Oh God, I'm cumming so hard. Oh, oh, ohhh, ohhhhh. Aaaahhhhhhhh!" I can't form words. All my focus is on my pussy and then my ass starts humming with pleasure. I am overcome with sensation and heat and pleasure. My body shakes, my back arches, I can't control my moaning - I don't want to. All I can focus on is the feeling of pleasure and ecstasy radiating from my cunt and ass. The voice is gone. I don't care. I finish what I started and squeeze out as much pleasure as I can. It was one of the most intense and longest orgasms I have ever had. And I'm feeling damn good. "Mr. Peg? Are you there?" But he is gone from the video chat and gone from the online chat. But I'll keep my eye out for him again.

I am enjoying this so much, I stay in the chat room. I have a private message waiting from BeardedDaddy. I keep the rabbit in, but remove the one from my ass. After a few moments, BeardedDaddy is back.

"Hey daddy, can I get a mustache ride?"

"Hey sexy, I'm ready to sneak in next door and be waiting in your bed for you to come get a ride."

God, I love being called sexy. I'm panting and starting to moan again. I like who I am safe behind the screen. Imagining having him really in my bed.

"Oh yes daddy, I want you to fuck me with your tongue."

"First, I'm going to get you on your back. Lift your legs and lick from from ass to your clit."

Second man licking me like this today? Yes, please! But I like the additional of the leg lift, lol.

"Then, I'm going to suck your clit and make you so wet that you drip down my chin."

Jesus, I could easily become addicted to this. It feels so good, especially with the rabbit humming away.

"Oh daddy, I want to cum and I'm ready. Tell me more. Let me be your dirty slut."

"Fuck, you are sexy. Wish my wife was like that. She's at work. I would be over every night and definitely let you be my dirty little cum slut."

I try to hold on and see how much more I can get out of BeardedDaddy before I cum again.

"I need to taste you. Will you please, please fuck my mouth daddy?"

I don't mind oral sex - especially when I want to feel in control and torture my husband - but I have never had a taste for cock like I have developed in the last two weeks. Let alone multiple different cocks, lol.

"Fuck, are you real? I would feed you my cock while you are on your knees. My cum would run down your throat. Your cum dried on my chin. Would you like that my dirty little slut? When I visit you tonight?"

Oh Jesus, I'm cumming again.

"Mmmmmm, yes daddy. I'm cumming for you now daddy....ohhhh!" It's not as intense, but it has only been five or ten minites since my last orgasm. My legs are heavy and light at the same time. My nipples brush against my t-shirt that I never took off when I was nervous about the phone call possibilities. I need them to be incorporated more next time for sure. I am spent and ready to go at the same time - another new experience for me.

"Damn, I wish I was there with you."

Then I am interrupted with a real phone call from my husband - I am needed early for chauffeur duty. The rabbit continues pulsing in my pussy as I talk to him.

I check back - BeardedDaddy is gone. I'll keep an eye out for him too, lol.

Time to be back in reality. But I am feeling strong, sexy, and desirable. What a powerful drug these feelings are!

Does the allure of the webcam appeal to me tonight? I'm still thinking and considering as I pull out of my driveway. If I can cum twice to two different conversations with two different men during the daylight - I'm a bit overcome by the possibilities that dark can provide.....