All Comments on 'Crimson Sky Ch. 01'

a tad rushed in some places and could do with a bit more research if you're going to go into the medical aspect in any kind of detail but overall a valiant first effort. well done and pls continue writing esp this story im curious as to how it continues.

I like where the story is going, it is true that it is rushed in some places but practice makes perfect

This story does have a lot of potential & I love your story line. You asked for constructive criticism, so here's my two cents for what its worth: if you're going to use the medical profession you should probably research or pick someone's brain(like I did for my current series) who has medical knowledge. I was a little confused on how Micah? Micael? would leave his patient and go get test results when a nurse? clearly said "we're losing him," I was a little baffled by that. Your punctuation during quotes could use some work b/c you forgot a few times to actually put punctuation there, I'm surprised your editor didn't catch that. You’re using 1st person so show us more emotion instead of telling us. A great place to have done that was when Alex came home & found chase getting a deep massage with another man's cock (lol, that part was too hilarious), instead of bringing us into the pain, anguish, anger, Alex was feeling so we could experience it too, you just sort of told us and I really didn't care b/c I didn't feel any connection to Alex.

Last thing, we've got that Alex and Micael are both rich, you don't have to keep expounding on it and making it the focal point of your story. Anyway I hope this helps in some way. This really is a great first effort.

Thank you for the advice and crit, I will certainly improve or try to do so.

I agree with avid and should really take her suggestions since she's one of my fave writers on here.

Your story actually reminded me of one of her stories with Micah and Sebastian.

Hospital...was that scene in the ER or OR? If it's in the ER..usually tests/blood results comes back in 2 hours and definitely not 3 or 4 days depending on the tests but if it's in the OR...doc should of studied all the test results prior to operating on a patient and not scrambling around for test results.

Alex is wealthy, right? I just thought it weird that he was impressed with Micah's wealth considering he's wealthy himself. Anyway, what's his real name? Micah? Micael?

Pretty good beginning considering it's your first story and I enjoyed reading it.

Cheers! ;)

As mentioned, good start. But I have to agree with the feedback offered. Your transitions seem a bit rushed and the medical scene really needs researching. Seems like you wanted the character to be a doctor and put in a medical scenario. FYI 1) the responsibility of breaking the news of a patient's death always lies with the primary care giver ie his physician/surgeon and not a nurse. 2) 7 days of no sleep is impossible unless it is a form of torture. Not only that, but also as a doctor, you WILL make mistakes and likely kill patients...so the loss of 7 patients that day doesn't seem that much of a surprise (though that is probably not what you meant). Thats why there is a medical law prohibiting doctors to function for more than 48 hrs without a break.

Despite some mistakes, I am still looking forward to more about Alex and Micah/Micael. Please continue

The story line is great but it seems a little rushed to me and you have to be careful about shortening their names because they almost sound alike (mick, nic, migg). Also when you or your editor proofread it, make sure the names coordinator from beginning to the end like here you wrote ("Oh uhm... Woods, Micael Woods") instead of Micah Woods. It discourages people from reading your work if a character has different names in a story especially if it is due to mistake and not identity switch. Overall its a good start. Keep it up.

I agree with the comments that were given. I hope you see that it is other writers trying to help you grow and better your story rather than knocking you. I think you have a good start and if you take the advice of those who gave it, you will do great. I think the plot itself has potential and I want to know how this goes. I agree strongly with researching the medical part. And I'm sure avid could maybe give you some guidance on where to get that info. I hope you'll start with Micah's 'story' in the next chapter like you gave Alex's. It would be good to tell us more about his ablilty and how it affects him. How did it start? How did he learn to control it? And why is Alex able to get through? I look forward to them figuring it out. When you put quotes out, read what you write and see if it is said in a way you'd speak. Like, 'do you perhaps live around here.' the perhaps is used perfectly well, but I don't think people usually would phrase it like that. Oftentimes, we write differently than we'd speak. I am a little scared about him losing 7 patients and I think that the last one dying when some insulin could have saved him is awful so he should have torn that tech a new one :) Anyway, keep up the good work and work on using the pointers you got. I look forward to the next chapter.

Ok firstly Micah is Micael shortened, I just wanted to clear that up and secondly I will definitely use all your suggestions and thirdly, thanks for the advice.

I've been trying to read this story since last year, had it bookmarked... Anyhoo, better late than never.

I smiled, I know I'm a sadist, after reading that the Dr. lost 6 patients in one hour. My shitty day paled in comparison. I was thinking, man is he in the wrong profession and no one has stopped him yet. Just trying to see how he rebounds from that alone keeps me reading. I can't wait to see if the constructive criticism provided prior to my comment improves pace of the story, so there's no need to point out things others have already done.

This is a decent first time piece, with room for improvement. Hope this isn't your last foray into muti-chapter writing.