Critical Failure

Extract from Damselmaster's Handbook, page 312:

Critical Failure: If a player making any kind of attack, spell or skill check using a D20 rolls an unmodified 1, that is a critical failure. Regardless of skill level or any modifiers she may apply, this is an automatic failure; furthermore, it is a failure that at the DM's discretion may be one which is comical, implausible and/or humiliating. For example:

Sword Attack: Evangeline, a pretty blonde level-20 fighter/mage, attempts to lop the head off a kobold who was minding his own business. Evangeline's STR and weapon skill bonuses, along with the +5 from her magic sword, mean she needs a 2 or higher to hit. But she rolls a 1. This is a critical failure!

The DM decrees that Evangeline misses the kobold by several feet and loses her balance, the sword flying into the air and landing hilt-first on her own head. She wakes up with a headache several hours later, tightly bound and gagged in a cute little kobold wagon on its way to the slave fair.

Spell Use: Having been rescued from the fair by her ex-boyfriend Conan, a chastened Evangeline attempts to restore her reputation by returning to the kobold encampment to reclaim her magic sword and frighten the little scamps away. When they appear, she casts the level 2 spell Terrifying Appearance on herself, and makes a skill check to see if it works; the spell's low difficulty and her INT and level bonuses mean she needs a 2 or higher. But she rolls a 1. This is a critical failure!

The DM decrees that she accidentally casts instead the level 7 spell Terrifically Tight Tying, which is on the same page in her spell book. The startled girl finds herself instantly bound hand and foot with thin strong cords, her cries of alarm and frustration muffled by a tight knotted cleave gag. As an added indignity, the strain placed on her corset and blouse by this awkward position causes her breasts to burst free. The kobolds are confused but cheer loudly.

Animal Handling: Having been rescued by Conan for a second time (and sternly lectured about the dangers of innocent maidens travelling without a male escort), Evangeline spends 500 gold crowns on a direwolf for personal protection and another 500 on a magically augmented leather leash. When the direwolf tries to steal chickens in the busy town square, the DM calls for an Animal Handling skill check, allowing a substantial bonus for the magic leash. Evangeline needs a 2 or higher. But she rolls a 1. This is a critical failure!

The DM decrees that Evangeline doesn't merely lose control of the direwolf, but becomes ludicrously tangled up in its leash. As the beast thrashes around, the stout leather strap wraps itself tightly around and around her legs, arms and chest, even her wrists somehow becoming bound helplessly behind her back. The last few loops tighten between her teeth, before the leash's binding enchantment transfers itself to what it understands to be a new prisoner, freeing the direwolf to snatch a chicken and run away. Evangeline is left wriggling and drooling helplessly in the mud. As an added indignity, her dress splits at the back and exposes her bottom. The townspeople are confused but cheer loudly.

Charm: After two watchmen free her from the leash, Evangeline tries to talk her way out of the bill for the chicken. She argues that, as she was bound and helpless when the direwolf ran amok, she cannot be held liable for its actions. The DM calls for a Charm check; with bonuses for her extremely high CHA and physical attractiveness and factoring in the watchmen's low INT she needs a 2 or higher. But she rolls a 1. This is a critical failure!

The DM decrees that Evangeline has not only failed to argue her case, but has also talked herself into an additional penalty for public indecency. Evangeline is well aware that she could easily slay the two dimwits where they stand, teleport to safety or simply outrun them, but believes all of these actions would be wrong, and obediently allows them to bind her wrists behind her back and confiscate her spell components. Once she is safely helpless, they explain that the (somewhat ironic) punishment is to be paraded naked, tightly bound and gagged, hopping up and down on a stage in front of the entire town. This occasion will be recorded for posterity, for reasons that are unclear, in a series of large and hyper-realistic oil paintings to be hung in the town hall. Evangeline is furious, but it is too late for her to resist.

Ranged Attack: Hunting goblins in the forest, Evangeline tries to snare a particularly small specimen with an expert bolas shot. But she rolls a 1, and the DM decrees that she has managed to wrap the bolas around her arms and chest and is now defenceless. The goblin is confused but takes the opportunity to rob the unlucky adventurer, gag her and bind her tightly to a tree. As an added indignity, the goblin clumsily gets Evangeline's skirts caught up in the binding ropes and her silken underthings are exposed. She spends the six hours until rescue arrives straining to cover herself up, but doesn't manage it.

Musicianship: At the yearly banquet of the Magical Society, Evangeline performs a ballad of her own composition in honour of the guests, a group of powerful elven warlocks. Renowned for the sweetness of her voice and the delicacy of her harp playing, she needs only a 2 or higher on her Musicianship check to win their approval, but rolls a 1. The DM decrees that she has coincidentally written a song that is identical to the dark elf national anthem, and the warlocks are incensed. They demand a ritual sacrifice, but the Arch Sorcerer bargains them down to a number of lesser punishments: Evangeline's membership of the Society is forever revoked; her spellbook is burned; her robes are stripped from her, including her shoes, hat and lacy undergarments; she is bound hand and foot and tightly gagged, so she is not tempted to cast any spells; and she is made to hop barefoot all the way home in disgrace and ignominy. One second after she leaves the shelter of the dining hall it begins to rain.

Rope Use: Now terminally short of both cash and prestige, Evangeline turns to bounty hunting. After a long chase, she successfully catches and overpowers a low-level halfling rogue on the run from the law and resolves to bind her tightly. The DM calls for a Rope Use check; with bonuses for DEX and the disparities between their levels and physical sizes Evangeline needs a 2 or higher. But she rolls a 1. This is a critical failure!

The DM decrees that Evangeline has accidentally - and very improbably - trussed herself up, somehow managing to tightly bind her own wrists, elbows, knees and ankles and even inserting a thoroughly silencing cloth gag between her own teeth. The rogue is confused but makes the best of things by swiftly collecting all of Evangeline's money, equipment and clothes, and (thanks to some quick thinking when the watchmen arrive) the bounty too. Naked, helpless and humiliated, Evangeline is taken to a jail for fast-talking rogues with a strict 24/7 gag policy and as a result is unable to clear up the misunderstanding for a full two weeks.

Detect Illusion: Having cleared out the very last of her savings to buy new equipment, Evangeline manages to find work guarding a treasure house, with strict instructions to watch out for a low-level halfling illusionist responsible for several local burglaries. When the owner of the treasure house appears unexpectedly and asks to see the diamonds, Evangeline is justifiably suspicious, and the DM asks her to take a Detect Illusion check. Thanks to her exceptionally high WIS and the implausible nature of the illusion, she needs only a 2 or higher. But she rolls a 1. This is a critical failure!

The DM decrees that Evangeline now believes the halfling to be someone else entirely: her ex-boyfriend Conan. Keen to win back his regard, she proposes a hot and steamy bondage session, and encourages 'Conan' to truss her up like a turkey, gag her firmly, and have his way with her willing body. The halfling is confused but has a very nice time and walks away with every coin and jewel in the building and a massive XP boost for defeating a much higher-level character. Now realising her error but utterly helpless, silenced and unable to move a muscle, Evangeline struggles uselessly all night against the creaking, ultra-tight ropes and gag before finally being discovered the next morning by a large and lecherous party of bankers. They enjoy the sights and muffled sounds of the bound, writhing and naked beauty for some hours before eventually releasing her from her bonds, at which point she is fired in disgrace. When the story reaches Conan, he pretends not to know her.

Persuasion: Now infamous as a blundering bondage magnet and perpetual damsel in distress, and unable to afford even the most basic armour and spell components, Evangeline takes a job as a serving wench in the town inn. But she is offended by the highly revealing uniform and tries to convince the owner to let her wear something less demeaning, citing her recent mishaps and appealing to his sense of chivalry. The DM calls for a Persuasion check, but she rolls a 1. This is a critical failure!

The DM decrees that, rather than being sympathetic, the owner finds her stories hilarious and hugely enjoyable. In fact they give him an idea: instead of wearing the normal uniform, Evangeline must serve beer topless, with her wrists bound tightly behind her back and a gag in her mouth; the drinks will sit on a board hanging from her neck in an arrangement that invites customers to 'accidentally' brush their hands against her nipples. As a final indignity, her ankles will be bound together, forcing her to hop precariously whenever she is summoned, and causing her bosom to bounce up and down. With no other options, Evangeline is obliged to agree to these humiliating terms and submits meekly while the owner applies his cords and cloths. The inn is renamed The Bound Wench and becomes the most popular hostelry for miles around. And Evangeline's adventuring days are finally over.

FIN