Cruel Pleasure (Book 01)

"Don't you dare compare me to him. I did not rape you! I would never...!! How could you ever...!!" he demanded feeling hurt.

Maybells face morphed into a mask of contempt and sorrow.

"But I didn't want those things Isiah. I consented but I didn't want it! I was scared most of the time and the the rest of the time I was with you I was so high on pain I couldn't think straight! You used me like I was a slut and I hate that!" Maybell clutched at her chest. "Im disgusted by it!"

Isiah felt her sorrow emanating from her, but he was hurting too, he was absolutely horrified by what she was saying and that she felt this way about him and not just the Pig that tried to ruin their lives. "But you responded to it. You were aroused by it all...you were begging me to let you cum and moaning....If I had thought for one moment that you thought I was raping you I never would have had sex with you! I wasn't raping you Maybell I was teasing you and denying you but not rape!"

Maybell blinked and tears traced her cheeks as she looked away and whispered back. "I know I was aroused, but...I don't understand it myself Isiah. I...I was aroused and physically it hurt too, but I liked that it hurt. God...I hate myself. Im a fucking freak or something...A normal person wouldn't want that, or enjoy it. Its disgusting and when Im with you I get so anxious and when you do anything that might make me act like that again it terrifies me, because I cant...I don't want you to have that kind of control over me ever again. I feel powerless...and to me thats how it felt with Reggie. I was powerless."

Feeling pain burst free at her confession, one of the first and only times she had described or spoken about the rape to Isiah since Reggie got shot Isiah felt his soul shatter for her.

"May..." Isiah gently called as he crossed to her, touched her shoulder and he tried to express to her that there was nothing wrong with her deriving pleasure in any form from anything. He wasn't judging her for anything. If something he did aroused her that was a good thing because that had been his aim in the first place. Even when he had been punishing her he had wanted her to feel good at times. He hadn't meant to torture her or give her pain or shame the way Reggie had. Or make her feel like he was taking away her freedom to choose not to have sex.

Maybell stepped away and in doing so shook him off. She crossed her arms over her breasts, looking frail and unbalanced as she let her curls bounce across her brown eyes and she stepped even further away from him. "Im...Im going to take a shower Isiah. When you leave just put the key on the countertop please..."

Once again Isiah wanted to say something, he wanted to help her, but he perhaps understood exactly what he had done and just how bad this was, because in all honesty he had done this to her on purpose.

Isiah, because of his own darker hungers and desires had always found bondage and even BDSM deeply erotic and titillating to watch. But he had never been a practitioner of BDSM and he had never really wanted to bring these darker hungers to Maybell. She was too precious. Too soft and sweet...and a part of him had been repulsed with the thought of accidentally hurting her in any fashion. And yet once things began to spiral out of control, he had turned his pain and rage on her in the only way he truly lusted in s bid to punish her.

But...what a terrible mistake that had turned out to be. BDSM was dangerous and intense and when wielded as a weapon or used by an out of control Dominate on an unprepared and untrained Sub all kinds of horrible things could happen. Isiah knew this much at least.

He cursed himself in that moment for the cruelty he had expressed against her, using pleasure and sex as a punishment had twisted and confused Maybell into knots that he despaired of undoing now.

Isiah was by no means a practicing and experienced Dominate, but he knew enough about BDSM to spice up things in the bedroom and to satisfy his own hidden urges. He had used these things and more in a wild intense fury that had obviously not only left Maybeel overwhelmed with her responses to them, but also deeply disturbed her. Isiah's actions had left her scared of her own body and the psychological/physiological reactions to Isiah by extension.

Once Isiah added in the trauma and shame she was obviously dealing with in connection to her rape, then Isiah couldn't quite stomach just how badly he had hurt the love of his life with his actions.

He also didn't have a single clue of just how to begin to undo the fear she had associated with him and the confusion she was feeling.

Isiah had made this mess. He had ruined his lover's sexual identity and confidence and in the end...all he could do was get up, put on his suit jacket...and walk out of her apartment.

Like lava guilt and self-hatred and impotence burned in his soul all the way home that night. Even as the sweet ambrosia of her scent and tastes fleeted at the tip of his tongue. Memories of her shuddering core being lavished and loved by his tongue played over in his mind until he wanted to drown the memory away as it burned his loins with unrealized desires for his love. His Maybell whose body and heart he had managed to break into pieces that he truly feared he didn't have the power or the strength to put back together again.

Maybe if she trusted me enough to let me show her that the way she reacted to the pain is normal, and the fact that she liked those things we did together doesn't mean anything bad or twisted about her, but...she's freaked out by that part of herself....and I know she's terrified about letting me have that much control over her again. I hurt her so bad the last time she gave me that kind of control...and I liked doing it. I wanted it to hurt just as much as I wanted her to feel good....Fuck....shes right to fear me. Shes right not to trust me, but what if I show her that I can dominate her and not scare her when I do it....

Isiah closed his eyes as he lay in his big empty cold bed, the one place he haven't really wanted to be and he pinned after May as if she were a start lost to him in the heavens, because in the moment it kind of felt like she was.

Fuck Im so out of my depths here. I don't know the first fucking thing about real Domination or submission or even how to really practice it in a healthy fashion. Fuck I scared myself with some of the stuff I wanted to do to her, and now I expect Maybell to let me touch her again? What a joke...

I want her to trust me again...but if I can't even undo the harm I've already done...were never going to get past this...but how? How do you heal a wound when the wounded won't let you get near them?

END OF BOOK 1