Cruise On, Bye

"Mommy! Surprise!"

All three of my munchkins were waving -- and two were yelling and jumping up and down -- as I walked towards the gangplank. I pretended to be shocked at seeing Steve and our kids, putting my hands to my face with my mouth in an exaggerated oh.

"What are you doing here?"

"Surprise, Mommy," my husband said with an enigmatic smile. "We thought we'd come down and see you off. Where's Edna?"

I smiled back at Steve. "I think she's already on board. We decided not to try to meet up in the chaos out here."

The kids were so excited that they demanded my attention. They all spoke at once, so I squatted down and hugged little Trixie. At three, she was just out of diapers but still had the pudgy arms and legs of a toddler. Like her big sister she was a chatterbox, and her lisp was just too adorable.

"Are you going on that big boat?" she asked with her wide blue eyes.

"Yes, I am."

"What are you going to do on the big boat?"

"Well, there's swimming and movies and a gym and coffee shops, so I'll keep busy."

"I wanna go on a cruise with you, Mommy!"

"Well, not this one, but maybe we can go on a family cruise one day, okay?"

"How long are you gonna be gone, Mommy?" Kathy was long and skinny now, but just two years ago she looked just like Trixie. And like Trixie -- and Steve -- her hair was nearly white. We loved to be outside, and the summer sun bleached their entire heads while I could only coax a few highlights into my brown mane. My deep tan made up for it though.

"It's five days and four nights, so I'll be back home on Friday afternoon." Kathy's lower lip moved into her too-cute pout. I kissed her little button nose. "No, no, little angel, it's all right. I'll be back before you even notice I'm gone."

"We're going to miss you, Mommy." Charlie was my little man. Well, at eight he looked like a carbon copy of me, but his personality was all Steve: serious, diligent, responsible. I did worry that he wouldn't know how to have fun, but I had no doubt he'd always be as reliable as the day is long.

"I'm going to miss you too, but Daddy will be there for you. He'll take good care of you."

"I know," Charlie said. "But we want you home too."

"Oh, I just love you all," I said, gathering them all into my arms and squeezing them. Trixie and Kathy squirmed and giggled, while Charlie stood stock still. "And I'll be back home before you know it!"

I stood and grabbed my wheeled carry-on bag. My other suitcase had already been loaded on the ship. I turned to kiss Steve, but he wasn't there. I looked around, but I didn't see him.

"Kids, do you see your dad?"

They looked around in confusion, and since they were little they couldn't see very much. My eyes skimmed over the people rushing about, but there was no sign of him. I checked my watch and saw that I had only five minutes to get on board.

I called his number, but it went immediately to voicemail. He must be talking to someone.

"Steve, where are you? I've got to get on the boat. Please hurry back!"

The kids looked at me, and they looked unsettled. I put a bright smile on.

"I'm sure he just had to go potty or something. He'll be right back. What are you going to do with Daddy while I'm on my cruise?"

"We're going to go to the pool!" Trixie loved the water, and especially the neighborhood pool.

"Daddy said we could go to McDonald's one night for dinner."

"Oh, he did, did he? Make sure it's only one night, okay?" I teased Kathy. She twisted at her waist and giggled.

"We're going to play mini-golf tomorrow night."

"Are you going to beat your dad again, Charlie?"

"I think he lets me win." He was so solemn, and my heart cracked a little at his awareness. My little man was growing up.

"You still have to make your shots." I parroted back what Steve always told him when they played. "If you make your shots it doesn't matter what Dad does!"

That pulled a small smile from Charlie. I hugged him and stood up again.

Where was Steve? I scanned the area carefully and saw two uniformed men move to disengage the gangplank.

Shit.

I rushed over to them, keeping my kids in sight.

"Excuse me! I've got my boarding pass, but my husband had to run to the bathroom and he's not back yet. I can't leave my kids. Can you wait just a couple more minutes?"

The younger man raised his eyebrows and looked to the older guy.

"We can give you another minute, but that's it."

"Okay, thanks."

I dialed Steve's number and again it went to voicemail.

"Steve! I'm going to miss my boarding. Please hurry!"

I dialed him immediately again, hoping that I'd catch him. I didn't.

I looked at the sailors and shrugged. "I'm sure he'll be back soon. He knows I need to get on the ship."

"I'm sorry, ma'am. We need to get this boat on the water."

God damn it! I tapped out a quick text.

► Missed the boat

As I walked back towards my children, I dialed Steve again.

"Thanks a bunch, Steve. I missed the ship. I can't believe you'd leave me stranded like that. I hope you have a good explanation."

I watched sadly as the gangplank was pulled away from the ship. So much for my vacation. My phone buzzed, and I saw the text.

► oh no! what happened?

I answered quickly.

► later

My kids needed me. I gathered them up and herded them over to a shaded bench to wait for my husband.

"Aren't you going to get on the ship, Mommy?"

"Not today, sweetie."

"How come?"

"Your daddy wandered off, and I couldn't leave you guys alone."

I didn't feel like protecting Steve at the moment. In fact, he'd turned into a bit of a jerk the past few weeks. Several nights he worked late, and while he tried to be attentive to the kids he was distracted. He barely said a word to me when we were alone. In fact, rather than hang around with us like he usually did in the evenings he would go down to Tony's Bar or work out in the yard until it got dark. He also checked his phone a lot more than usual. I was curious one morning, so I checked to see who he'd been texting and found that he'd put a password on his phone.

Was he fooling around on me?

The thought unnerved me. But it couldn't be. Not Steve. He was so scrupulous. But something had changed. And now this bullshit. He knew I was looking forward to this cruise, a little break from the nonstop demands of a mother and a wife and an employee and a daughter and all the other things that pile up. Five days of me-time didn't seem like too much to ask, and when I first mentioned the idea back in April he was enthusiastic. But he engineered the "surprise" -- thankfully poor Kathy couldn't keep a secret to save her life -- and then disappeared. I was more than a little annoyed with my husband.

Where was he?

We waited in the shade for almost a half-hour, and by then I'd long run out of things to distract them. Trixie was fussing and Kathy was right behind her. I had tried Steve's phone several times, and it always went to voicemail. My annoyance went down and my worry went up as the minutes passed. Where could he be? I didn't want to upset the kids though, so I kept up a steady patter of questions and invented silly games on the fly, but there are limits for all kids and we blew right past theirs.

Getting them home was going to be a problem. An Uber had dropped me off, and I didn't know where Steve had parked his car. I checked my bag, and I didn't have the keys to his car anyway. I tapped in a request for another Uber to take us home. We'd have to chance Trixie without a car seat, but it wasn't a long ride. The driver really didn't care, but I did insist he use only surface streets. After waiting ten minutes and another fifteen to drive, we pulled up in front of our little rancher. I called Steve on the way.

"Honey? Please call me and tell me you're okay. I'm getting worried. I'm taking the kids home, so go there as soon as you get this."

Steve's car was nowhere to be seen, but he probably had it in the garage. If he was home.

He wasn't.

The kids were cranky but subdued when I got them in the house, and I got Trixie in her bed for a nap. She was only staying down for about every other one, but I hoped with the excitement of the morning that she'd be worn out more than usual. Kathy went right to the TV and found Disney, while Charlie went to his room and closed the door. I took my roller bag into our bedroom and left it there while I went to the bathroom. I texted while I sat on the commode.

► sorry. Steve & kids showed up. He wandered off. Couldn't leave kids

I wiped and flushed.

► (sad face emoji)

► I understand

I texted back my own sad face emoji, then went to the kitchen to get a snack and some iced tea.

I didn't notice them at first, but when I sat at the table to think about where my husband could have gone, my heart dropped.

Steve had placed his phone in its distinctive silver case in the middle of the table. I knew Steve had done it because it was perfectly aligned with the edges of the table. He had an eye for detail and symmetry, which he needed as a high-finish painter. What chilled me was his wedding band, which lay on the phone's dark screen.

Shit.

I went to our bedroom, and I saw most of his clothes were missing. His tablet was also gone from his nightstand, and a check of the den showed his laptop and all of our files had vanished too.

It looked like my marriage was over. My tears came, even though I knew it would make no difference. But I also knew that I had devastated Steve -- he was no coward, so if he couldn't face me it was because it would shatter him -- and despite my sins against him I loved him deeply.

Steve was an amazing man. He was a wonderful lover and a steadfast partner who sacrificed his own comfort for me throughout our eleven years together, nine as husband and wife. He could be stubborn, and he could focus so strongly on one task to the exclusion of everything else -- including me -- but I still got my way four times out of five. I could be impetuous, quick to anger, but he was calm and steady, and he grounded me. I really needed that, especially before children. He was an incredible artisan -- his painting business had thrived after the first couple rocky years because he combined creativity with accountability, and now he had a waiting list thanks to the word of mouth from his grateful clientele. And he shone as a father -- he adored each of our children, and his patience with them wasn't endless but almost.

And now he was gone.

So why did I try to sneak off on a cruise with Chad Mayberry?

I was a dental assistant, because I could do the job while the kids were in school or daycare and be home by two when they got out. A new dentist started at our office about ten months ago, when Trixie was in the throes of her terrible twos and Kathy was adjusting to pre-kindergarten. She was so clingy. Charlie was more contained, but he still needed much of my attention. The demands were relentless. Steve's business wasn't all-consuming, but he'd come home tired and often distracted. He'd rally for the kids, but when we got them to bed he was fried. I suppose I was too.

We tried to carve out time for us, but it was hard. The once-a-month Saturday-night date was just too meager. Friday night sex became an obligation, and spontaneity was a distant memory. Our life, even though it was what we'd worked to achieve, was grinding us down, and while I didn't resent Steve or the kids, I did resent how we were living. I wasn't ready to be my parents, completely settled and predictable.

Chad was married too, but they didn't have children. They also seemed to live more independently than we did, and since they both worked professional jobs -- Sylvia was in IT sales -- they could afford frequent trips and exciting vacations. And they often went off on their own. The first time I talked to Chad over a wisdom-tooth extraction he had just returned from rafting the Grand Canyon with his college buddies. Sylvia was off to Santa Fe for an art show with her best friend.

Chad was funny, and he liked to tease everyone, me included. I usually didn't eat lunch because of my part-time schedule, but he'd meet me in the kitchen for a mid-morning snack. I talked a lot about my family, and I may have complained about my family taking me for granted a bit. I envied his free lifestyle and disposable income and minimal responsibilities.

"Let's play hooky tomorrow," he said with a smile. "We can drive out to the beach for lunch and come back in time for you to get the kids."

So we did.

It was a delightful timeout from my normal treadmill. Adult conversation with no expectations. I didn't have to repeat a single thing I said, and I didn't have to clean up anyone but myself. Chad drove, so I could relax, and the waitstaff took care of me instead of me taking care of everyone around me. I relished the break, and that evening at home with my family was the best one I could remember. Steve commented on my smile, and we had midweek sex for the first time in months. I came twice and wrapped Steve up tight with my arms and legs and nearly cried because I loved him so much.

Chad suggested another lunch a couple weeks later, and it quickly became a regular thing. Most of the time we just grabbed a sandwich or a salad and sat in a park to talk, but when neither of us had an early-afternoon appointment we'd go a little farther away.

I wish I could say Chad seduced me, but that's not what happened. It was me who opened the door. He did walk through though, so it's really on both of us. One day at lunch he asked me about Steve.

"I think I spend more one-on-one time with you than I do with him. I wonder if he's getting tired of my charms."

"That would be shame." He dropped his eyes to my not-unsubstantial chest. "Your charms are considerable."

I blushed. "Well, you have your own appeal," looking into his lap with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.

And just like that sex was on the table. Our teasing got more pointed, and I started thinking about Chad as a lover. He was handsome in a refined way. Steve was a stud, tall, rangy, with wide shoulders, intense blue eyes, and calloused hands. Chad was smaller and slighter and darker, and I knew how dexterous he was from watching his hands during the dental procedures. I wondered what those hands might do to me.

We had lunch once, sometimes twice a week, until one day we had cancellations on back-to-back appointments.

"Feel like a ride to the beach?" he asked with a smile.

"You bet."

Instead of driving to our usual dockside bistro Chad pulled into a surfside motel.

"I'd like to sample your charms," he said. His eyes sparkled with his desire, and I felt myself gush at the thought that he was horny for me.

So we fucked. He could only go once, but he lasted a long time. I came three times, once on his hands, once on his mouth, once with his slender but very hard cock buried in me. They weren't earth-shaking like my best with Steve, but good nonetheless. We had an hour and a half, which was plenty of time without feeling rushed. I was surprised that I didn't feel guilty. I guess I just thought about any time with Chad as a timeout from normal life. It didn't affect my marriage, except to take some stress off of me, so there was no reason to feel bad. I loved Steve completely. He was my life partner. Chad was just a trip to the gym or a nice massage.

We never planned our assignations, letting the universe determine our opportunities. For the first couple months we were able to get together every two or three weeks thanks to the schedule, but then the practice got busy and our patients got reliable, and six weeks went by without any interludes. And that's when we talked about a short cruise. It was going to be a nice break for us both.

After the kids were down for the night I broached the subject with Steve.

"Sweetie, Edna from work won a Caribbean cruise for two. She just broke up with her boyfriend, and she's asked me to join her. What do you think?"

"When?"

"In six weeks or so. First week of June."

"For how long?"

Chad and I hadn't discussed that yet, so I just took a stab. "I think it's five days. I can check."

"That sounds like a good idea. You've been working really hard around here. I don't say it enough, but thank you for everything you do for our family."

He wrapped me in his long, strong arms. I felt like the luckiest woman in the entire world. I loved him so much, so I led him to our bedroom and ravished him. He came twice, but I had two huge orgasms and a constant stream of others as he drove into me relentlessly. I never thought of Chad when I was with Steve. There was no need. Steve was my real life, Chad an occasional diversion.

Chad and I chose June to give us time to sell it to our spouses. I picked Edna because Steve had never met her, while Chad said it was his friend Jeremy that won the cruise. Neither Steve nor Sylvia balked. I guess six weeks was too long though. I don't know how Steve found out, but it didn't seem to take him long if his change in attitude was when he learned about Chad and me. I wondered if he'd set up Kathy to all but tell me they were going to surprise me on the dock, so Chad and I had to board separately.

And now I was staring at Steve's phone and his wedding ring, and I had absolutely no idea what to do next. It looked like I was going to be a single mother, which wouldn't leave much time for anything but childcare. If I thought my life was a thankless grind before, I suspected it was going to get more oppressive, because I'd be doing it without a partner.

Shit.

I took a deep breath and started making phone calls. I started with his brother.

"Hi, Paul. Have you seen your brother today?"

"Nope."

Did he hesitate? Was he more reserved? Did he know? Was he lying to me? God, I hated this.

"Okay, thanks. If you do hear from him please have him give me a call."

I had the same conversation with his parents -- although they asked why I wasn't on the cruise -- and then with his sister Beth and his cousin and two of his best friends. I got the vibe that they knew something, but their responses didn't fall too far outside our norm, so I decided it had to be my own paranoia.

The kids came looking for me, so I switched to Mom mode through dinner time. While we were eating another meal of macaroni and cheese with baby carrots -- I guess my kids loved orange foods -- Kathy spoke up.

"Where's Daddy? He said he was going to be home this week."

"Well, we had a change in plans, sweetie. I'll be here now."

"But where's Daddy? He always comes home for dinner."

"Charlie, do you know where Daddy is?"

Charlie looked at me gravely then slowly shook his head. "No."

I believed him. Steve would never burden his children with anything like that.

I smiled and distracted them with questions about their summer camps, but I was starting to freak out. I quelled my anxiety, got the kitchen cleaned up, then got the girls into the bath. It was after eight when Kathy and Trixie were tucked in, and I left Charlie reading in his room for a half-hour until I'd come back to turn off his light.

Staring at his phone, I knew I couldn't get a message to him that way. So I typed out an e-mail on my screen and sent it to both his personal and business accounts.

"My darling Steve:

I have wounded you deeply, and I'm so very sorry. I love you despite what you may think of my actions. I wish you'd give me a chance to show you what I'm writing is true. Please come home. I really do need you, but if you can't do it for me, then please come back for our children. They're already upset that you missed dinner tonight, and they'll only get more afraid and anxious the longer you stay away. Please come home to your family.

I love you, and only you."

I stayed awake for a long time, hoping for a response. I ignored a text from Chad asking how I was doing. Finally a little after ten I got myself to bed. I needed to be fresh for my munchkins in the morning. I hoped the new day would bring something from Steve.