Crushed Pt. 02

He turned to a pile of books that needed registering onto their new computer system, and decided the boring task would perhaps be a good distraction. After getting the not so subtle hint that he wasn't listening to her, Emma headed out back to change the display tables, leaving him at the front desk alone.

The bell at the door rang and he glanced up.

His heart skipped a beat. Even wearing just a simple t-shirt and jeans, Logan managed to look like a supermodel. He scanned the shop and his eyes fell on Alex. He grinned. It was a beautiful grin. The sort of grin that lights up your whole face and makes your eyes crease and twinkle. You couldn't not fall in love with it.

"Hey," he said approaching the desk his hands in his pockets.

"Hi," Alex replied, almost shy at the public meeting at his workplace. "What are you doing here?"

Logan shrugged, he glanced around and then leaned over the desk, taking his hands in his own and kissing him softly.

He smiled, "I guess I missed you."

Alex felt warm and giddy at the words.

"I missed you too," he whispered.

Logan was still leaning over the desk. He was close enough that he could smell his warm, comforting smell. It made Alex want to lean into his chest, to clutch at his t-shirt and inhale that delicious smell. To be held in his strong arms.

"Alex have you seen the current best sellers list?'

Logan whipped around, pulling away from Alex in a swift turn as Emma emerged from behind a bookshelf.

"Oh Logan!" Emma's face broke into a smile at the sight of him, moving in for a friendly hug. "I haven't seen you in here before!"

"Oh well- I was um, wanting to buy a book."

"Well duh, why else would you be here!"

Logan laughed a little dryly.

"Right," he said lamely and there was a brief awkward silence. Emma's eyes flicked from Logan to Alex suspiciously, then her expression brightened into an excited smile.

"You going to the party tomorrow night?"

"What party?" Logan frowned.

"Er hello?! Lois Barrett's party! Only the biggest hottest party of the summer!" She grinned.

"Oh, right. That."

Logan looked uncomfortable in the presence of Emma. It was subtle enough that she, ditsy and chatty as she was, would never have noticed. But Alex had spent so much time with Logan recently that he could see the slight tension in his shoulders, the firm set of his jaw.

"I don't know, I haven't seen Lois in months..."

"Ooh that's right you hooked up that time right? It's fine!! I didn't tell you this, but she is a total slag. Has slept with most guys in town. She won't care. Come on everyone's going!! I bet even Alex is going, right Alex?"

Emma looked at him cheerfully. Logan looked at his shoes. Alex glanced at Logan, painfully aware of his avoiding looking at him. It stung. He shrugged and turned away.

"Well that's not a no. Come onnnnnn, you have to! We've all missed you, helping out with your uncle or whatever all summer break?"

"I'll think about it, I better get going-"

"What? Don't be silly! You forgot your book! Come on, I'll help you find what you need. Are we talking fiction, non fiction...?" Emma walked down into the shelves and Logan followed, glancing back apologetically.

Alex smiled back an encouraging smile back. But inside, he felt a nagging worry. Logan had jumped so fast when Emma had arrived, terrified to be seen with him. He tried to play it off as early dating nerves, particularly when Emma clearly thought he was straight. Yet, what did this mean going forward? How long did Logan intend to keep him a dirty little secret?

*

The problem with nagging worries is that once their in your head, it's hard to get them out. And suddenly Alex was too aware. Logan met him after work, and they walked together. The streets were busy with people around them and Logan seemed to be scanning the faces as they walked. Had he always done that? He moved to hold his hand, but Logan casually buried them deep into his pockets. Perhaps it was coincidence, bad timing even. But Alex's chest tightened ever so slightly further, his worry increasing.

They got home and Logan cupped his face, kissing him gently before moving to the kitchen to begin cooking dinner. Alex followed slowly, sitting at the island and watching him quietly.

"I didn't know you knew Emma," Alex said in an attempted casual voice a few minutes later.

"What? Oh yeah..." Logan turned from the pot he was stirring with a slightly embarrassed expression. "I sort of had a thing with one... well, two of her friends. It was a while ago."

"Lois Barrett? From school?"

"Yeah. It wasn't anything special really," he hesitated before sighing. "Without sounding like a dick, I dated her for the summer two years back because... honestly I was bored. She didn't mean anything to me, but she got... a lot... for a while."

Another chest tightening squeeze. Just a summer fling. Because he was bored. Was he another summer fling to add to Logan's long list?

"A lot??"

"I don't know, small things mostly, stalking social media, late night calls. She became very protective of me. When she saw me with another girl a month later she threw a drink in my face," he smiled and Alex tried to smile back. It felt unconvincing on his lips. "For the record, I totally deserved it. I've told you, I'm not proud of my past. I want to change."

Alex nodded, sinking back into his silent thoughts for a while.

"Are you going to go to the party?" He asked.

"Maybe," Logan shrugged, then turned to smile at him. "I'd rather hang out with you."

This comment would usually melt Alex's insides into jelly, and although he enjoyed the sentiment he persevered.

"Well I could come with you," he suggested.

Logan raised an eyebrow and then let out a short bark of a laugh.

"Good one," he chuckled.

"I'm serious," Alex insisted and Logan frowned turning the heat on the stove down to turn and face him.

"Since when have you gone to parties?"

"Well I never normally get invited."

"Alex I know you well enough that you wouldn't go even if you were. People being loud and obnoxiously drunk is not your crowd."

This was true, he thought. But he didn't intent to let Logan off so easily. This was an opportunity to put his fears to bed forever. He would put up with a night at some dumb party for that ten times over.

"I'd enjoy it if I was with you. I want to go."

Logan sighed, "Alex... where's this coming from? Is it because of what happened in the bookshop?"

Alex felt the dam break.

"You acted like you didn't know me! Like I was invisible! Like when we were at school all over again!" He cried, and was surprised to feel his eyes full with hot angry tears. The hurt he felt spilled out of him in a tidal wave and Logan looked shocked at the sudden reaction.

"Hey woah, Alex," he came around the island and wrapped his arms around him. Alex let him, feeling small and pathetic in his strong grip. He hadn't realised quite how upset he was. The tension in his chest releasing into shuddering breaths, the tears burning hot trails down his cheeks and into Logan's jacket.

"I'm so sorry," Logan said, still holding him tightly. "I didn't think of how that would upset you. I... I wasn't thinking."

Logan held him tightly, saying nothing, just stroking the back of his head, Alex's face still buried into his chest, increasingly embarrassed by the outburst of emotion. Eventually he sat up, sniffing and blinking rapidly.

He couldn't remember the last time he had cried like that. It felt surprisingly good to have let out the torrent of pent up emotions. He felt like an empty shell now, tired and easily breakable.

Logan surveyed him with a concerned expression.

"Okay?" He asked.

He nodded.

Logan slipped onto the stool opposite him, their knees touching, and reached for his hands.

"I didn't mean to make you feel invisible. I was being selfish, and I didn't think about how you would feel." He spoke softly, looking at Alex's hands in his, intertwining their fingers. "Emma surprised me, I didn't know she would be there."

"And you didn't want her to find out about us," Alex said grimly.

"No, I didn't. But not because of you, because of me."

Alex frowned and Logan sighed.

"I'm not ready, not yet. For everyone to know about me. About my sexuality. That's why I pulled away from you."

Alex nodded reluctantly, it was a reasonable response. He couldn't expect Logan to just drop a life long secret about himself for a guy he had been seeing a matter of weeks. It didn't mean he didn't want him to though.

"I guess that's fair. You have to be ready,"

He accepted.

"And as for the party," Logan continued, stoking his thumb across Alex's hand gently. " I have a bit of a reputation around here, where we grew up, of being the lad. Drinking, parties, girls, generally acting like a prick. Would you agree?"

Alex laughed thickly and Logan smiled a little.

"Exactly. All my mates round here are the same, we all act like... twats. We egg each other on. But I moved away to Uni and started to change. I found out things about myself, learned about my behaviour and realised my mistakes. But whenever I come home I get sucked back into the bullshit again. I can't explain it right..."

"I get what you mean," Alex encouraged.

"Yeah well, this summer, I've mostly kept away, been with you. And I've loved it. I've really loved it," he smiled and Alex blushed slightly.

"I don't want them to ruin it. They don't know that I'm... well I don't really know what I am yet. I'm not straight that's for sure. But I'm not ready to share that part of me with them..or anyone else."

He added the anyone else in a dark voice and angry expression that intrigued Alex. He frowned wondering who he was thinking of, but not being brave enough to ask.

"They're not my friends, not anymore. My real friends, at Leeds, that's different. With you it's different."

"So... no one knows that you've dated guys?"

"Around here? No. Perhaps you haven't noticed but they're not exactly leading the Pride parade. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse for how I treated you at school, but I think I overcompensated. I was scared that... they might find out.... I don't know."

"Your friends?" Alex asked tentatively.

Logan hesitated. "Yeah and... well, not just them but... yeah."

Alex nodded slowly, he felt like Logan was still holding something back, but he could hear the honesty in his words. He felt ashamed. Of course it's a big deal to come out, for everyone to know your sexuality, particularly as Logan said, around here where it would be the gossip of the whole town. He had overreacted.

"I'm sorry, obviously I don't expect you to just out yourself to Emma like that."

"No don't apologise, I should have explained. I mean, you aren't out yourself. Is that something you are ready for everyone to know?"

"They all think I'm gay anyway," he sighed.

"No, they don't. They suspect maybe, but the name calling was a power trip. They... we... called loads of people names like that. It was rarely done with much thought," he said bitterly.

They sat in silence for a while, before Logan turned with a start.

"Oh shit," he moaned running to the stove where the burned remains of the dinner blackened in the pan.

"Take-out?" Alex suggested and Logan shot him an annoyed look that turned into a reluctant grin at his own expense.

"Take-out," he sighed.

*

The next night, Alex was on the sofa next to Logan watching a movie. He was stroking Alex's hair gently and Alex was fighting the urge to fall asleep he felt so relaxed. With his head in Logan's lap he felt the buzz of his phone in his pocket. Logan ignored it. Then it buzzed again, and again.

"Your phone," he mumbled.

"I know," Logan sighed. He reached for it and threw it down on the sofa without a glance.

Alex saw the screen light up, but Logan didn't look, his eyes resolutely fixed on the movie. When Logan excused himself to the bathroom a few minutes later, Alex glanced at the phone.

He knew he shouldn't look, it was an invasion of privacy. But then... Logan had looked at his journal. He picked up the phone and his eyebrows raised at the flurry of notifications. He had never had so many texts, miscalls or WhatsApps... let alone all three.

HometownLadsChat💪🏼🍻:

Chris: @Logan where you at man?

Aiden: @Logan you wanker where the fuck are you?

Tom: thinks he's too good for us boys now he's got his new mates.

Chris: fuck off Tom.

Chris: He's probs with the latest summer fling

Ben: when we meeting this girl? Better be a fucking 10

Direct messages:

Chris: Ignore Tom. You ok man?

Chris: are you not coming?

Mum: Hi sweetheart, your friends came round the house looking for you. I thought you said you were with Chris again today? Call me please xx

3 Missed Calls from Aiden

1 Missed Call from Ben

2 Missed Calls from Chris

1 Missed Call from Lois

"I'm not going," Logan said from the door. He eyed the phone in Alex's hand but he didn't look angry.

"Maybe you should," Alex said tentatively, watching Logan's face fall into incredulous disbelief.

"What?"

"Hear me out. You say you're going to distance yourself, well. Why not go out with one last party? You love a party. You want to go and have some fun. Go, make some good memories and then when you go back to Leeds at least you know you left things on good terms."

"I don't know Alex," Logan sighed. "I do love a party" he laughed, " but... with them? They make me a bad person."

"Then just go for an hour. Keep your head up, and then come back here. At least that way they'll leave you be. If you don't show they're going to be on your back for the rest of summer."

"You're right there," Logan agreed grimly. "You really think I should?"

The uncertain look Logan gave him surprised Alex. Reminding him of how much their relationship had already begun to change. He was seeking Alex's reassurance, his guidance in this decision.

"Yes. Go. Just for an hour, and come back here."

"And when I come back, we can have an after party of our own?" Logan grinned and Alex rolled his eyes. He stood up and walked with Logan to the kitchen, handing him his coat.

"Go on, have fun. I want you to have fun."

Logan shouldered his coat and smiled at him, he leaned in and kissed him.

"I lo-" Logan froze. Alex froze. The beginning of those words hung in the air between them.

"I'll see you later," Logan corrected quickly and walked out the house.

Alex stood motionless for a moment. Had Logan almost said he loved him? He felt a thrill of excitement at the thought. But did he love him in return? Truly love him? He thought he might. The Logan of late was kind, handsome, cheerful and... loving. But then had he truly changed? Or would he slip back to the person he had once been? Maybe he shouldn't have said he should go to the party. What if he came back and was the unkind and angry Logan? But he had almost said he loved him. He couldn't change that quick from one party? Fuck. Had he really almost said that, or had he imagined it? His mind span in circles again and again.

He had a lazy evening, watching tv and playing video games. But as the time ticked on, he began to wonder where Logan had got to. He had been an hour. Two. Two and a half. It was almost there hours later, 1:30am that he decided that Logan must have gone home. He wondered if it was to do with what he had almost said.

He locked the house up, Logan had a key if he wanted to get in, and headed to bed. He lay for a long time thinking about Logan, about where he was, trying not to worry. He was probably just having a good time. Maybe he had lost track of time, or gone back home hours ago. He fell into uneasy sleep.

Alex started awake. Something had woken him. He looked around the dark silent room, frowning in sleepy confusion. His glowing clock read 4:07am.

Crack!

He turned sharply to the window, the source of the sound. He turned on his bedside lamp and approached it warily. He looked through the glass and saw a fuzzy but familiar outline stood on the grass below.

"Logan?" He hissed as he threw the window wide. "What are you doing?!"

"Hey Alex!" Logan replied in a loud forced whisper. "Can you let me in?"

"Lo- what? Logan you have a key!"

"Oh," Logan giggled, "for fucks sake, I've been here so fucking long trying to hit your window and the whole time I had a key..."

Alex heard the clink of glass and saw a shaft of light reflect off of a large bottle in Logan's hand.

"Logan how drunk are you?" He asked.

"Um. Quite. This here though is medicinal."

"Medicinal?"

"Well, I kinda got in a little bit of a fight," he sniggered. "You should see the other guy, although I'm pretty sure my nose is broken."

"What?! I'm coming down."

Alex ran down the stairs and opened the door. He watched Logan stagger towards him. As soon as his face was hit by the light from the front door Alex couldn't hold back the gasp.

"Logan, what happened?" He whispered, guiding him into the kitchen where he sat at the island.

Logan's shirt was ripped and bloodstained, his jaw bone was showing the early signs of bruising, one eye almost swollen shut, his nose swollen too and incredibly bloody. He sniffed and rubbed a bloody sleeve across his lips where the blood was trickling into his mouth, combining with a split lip. He lifted the bottle of clear liquor to his lips and gulped, wincing at the taste. A drop of blood splattered onto the kitchen tiles.

"Chris," he slurred, swaying drunkenly in the chair.

"Chris punched you?"

"Mmhmm," Logan nodded. "Well.. I punched him first."

"Why?" Alex said horrified.

"I came clean," Logan sighed, an amused drunken smile on his lips. "I was drunk and sat with Chris and he asked who's the girl I've been seeing all summer and I thought... fuck it. I said I've not being seeing a girl, I've been seeing a guy... a great guy," he grinned at Alex who grimaced back. "Well. He didn't take all that well. Started calling me some pretty homophobic shit and telling people around us and laughing. And I started to get pissed off, but he kept going and going and I thought about what he... we... used to say about you and I got mad. So... I punched him. And then he punched me. And then it all just kinda... happened."

Logan began to chuckle softly to himself, taking another swig from the bottle in his hand. Then the chuckle became a laugh, a full-bellied laugh that alarmed Alex. Logan sagged forward in his chair.

"Everyone knows. He told... everyone."

He continued to shake with laughter, hunched forward in his chair, and it was only when Alex saw the tear fall to the floor beside the blood splatters that he realised he wasn't just laughing anymore

"Hey," Alex said, lifting his face. "It's ok, you're okay," he said, and put his arms around him, holding him tightly. Logan leant against him, sobbing silently. He held him for a long time. It was only when his shaking subsided that Alex pulled away to look at him. Glistening tear tracks shone through his bloodied cheeks, and his eyes looked wide and bloodshot.

"Come on," Alex said, taking him by the hand upstairs to his bedroom. He told him to lay down as he went to the bathroom to get some water and a flannel. When he returned Logan was lying sprawled on the bed, his eyes closed.

"Here, drink," Alex instructed, taking away the vodka and putting the glass of water into his hand. Logan drank and then lay back against the pillows with a huff.

"I know I shouldn't have let him get to me. I just got so angry. I told you they bring out the worst in me."

"Shhh," Alex said gently, using the flannel to wipe the blood from Logan's face. Then he unbuttoned his shirt, wincing at the evident sign of more bruising across his chest and stomach. He cleaned more blood from his chest, avoiding the painful areas where he knew it would hurt. Logan's eyes flickered open watching him tend to his injuries, and amazingly his lip curled into a smile.