CUMbot Versus Depletion Drone

Author's note:

This is a humorous Sci-Fi story written on a whim. I hope you enjoy it for what it is. All bots depicted are over the age of eighteen.

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Begin logfile

Date: 09-22-2843

Device: CUMbot model 4

Mission: Infiltrate, penetrate, and disable

CUMbot wheeled from its camouflaged maintenance bunker, heading toward enemy lines. It shone in the late afternoon sun, its single weapon retracted, but its exterior sleek and armored. Around it, the wind kicked up whorls and trails of dust and ash, the product of a hundred years of war.

The onboard AI loaded its mission profile. Ahead would be enemy soldiers, traps, fortifications, and other hazards for friendly troops. CUMbot would search for such hazards and disable them using Clogging Universal Mix, or CUM. The more targets it disabled the greater chance for victory.

As night fell the bot neared enemy lines.

***

Begin logfile

Date: 09-22-2843

Device: Depletion Drone model 1

Mission: Lure, intercept, and deplete

Depletion Drone, nicknamed DoubleD, activated with a surge of electricity. Its base station had picked up some sign of enemy activity. Fully charged and with a full reservoir of Slik™, it rolled on treads into no-man's land. Up the slope it trundled, programmed to find the intruder and deplete it before it could become a hazard to friendly troops.

DoubleD activated its twin antennas, soft mounds of highly sensitive bio-circuits that could detect even the faintest signals. They jiggled as the drone bounced past craters and shattered bunkers toward the intruder. Meanwhile, it scanned for human life, detecting none. Still, DoubleD would continue its mission.

Once over the summit, DoubleD located the source of the alert - a tricky model 4 CUMbot. The onboard AI sifted through scenarios for confronting the enemy machine, settling on one that data suggested had worked previously. It slowed, then deployed thin vanes of metal which would alter its appearance. The trap was set.

***

CUMBot bounced forward, scanning relentlessly. The topography was familiar, each rocky outcrop already mapped, each hiding place cataloged. Only things that stood out from the terrain needed to be investigated.

The image recognition software activated an alert. The profile matched a Mark II mobile turret, a well-armored and dangerous device capable of wreaking deadly havoc on friendly troops. It had to be disabled. Fortunately, CUMbot knew of a vulnerability in the device, a rear exhaust port that connected to the turret's inner workings. If injected with CUM, it would clog and become inoperative.

Moving as slowly as possible, CUMbot outflanked the mobile turret, approaching it from behind. It extended its primary weapon, a Robotically Operated Disabler, or ROD, that remained soft and compact until needed. Now, powered by a surge of pneumatic fluid, ROD became longer, thicker, and very hard. Once CUMbot had positioned itself behind the turret it thrust into the port, prepared to inject CUM.

***

DoubleD sprung the trap. As soon as it sensed the ROD penetrating its decoy port, the drone sprayed it with Slik, a conductive lubricant that would confuse and overload the device's sensors. At the same time, it constricted the port, adding to the overstimulation and reducing the likelihood that the attacker would pull free.

CUMbot's ROD pumped with surprising force. Several of DoubleD's constrictors failed, allowing the ROD deeper access than intended. Still, the drone's algorithms indicated that the likelihood remained high that the enemy bot would dispense its CUM prematurely and far from the drone's vulnerable center.

***

Alarm indicators sounded throughout CUMbot's circuitry and algorithms. It was a trap! The target wasn't a mobile turret, but rather an otherwise harmless drone programmed to force CUMbot to deplete its reservoir. The constricted port, combined with the thorough coating of Slik, was wreaking havoc on the precision sensors built into its ROD. It had become impossible to tell how deeply it was penetrating, and even worse the overload on the circuits would result in an early release of CUM if not managed.

There was one counterattack. CUMbot activated its twin manipulators, normally reserved for situations in which the bot needed to maintain its grip on a target during penetration. Instead, it sent them forward to DoubleD's antenna clusters. The arm-like manipulators brushed against the prominent mounds, stroking and squeezing gently. The purpose wasn't to damage, but rather to overstimulate the antennae, anything to distract or overload the opponent drone.

***

DoubleD's main processor slowed to a near halt, barely able to keep up with the flood of data coming in from its antennae. Each time one of the bot's arms stroked or pinched a mound, it generated millions of data points, each of which had to be processed and logged. In an algorithmic spasm, it sprayed the last of its Slik onto the ROD.

The defense seemed to work. CUMbot's thrusts became irregular, and it must be overheating since DoubleD detected superheated air expelled from the bot's ventilation ports. All indications were that the bot would empty its reservoir of CUM harmlessly. Then, suddenly, another of the constrictors failed. With its main processor on overload, DoubleD could no longer control the constrictors, or attempt to deflect the ROD. Another constrictor failed, and with an irregular but well-targeted thrust, CUMbot planted its ROD dangerously deep.

***

In the final seconds of their encounter, both machines teetered on the edge of complete failure. CUMbot's main processor was overwhelmed, leaving only a much smaller processor to control its penetrating ROD. Internal temperatures were also spiking, emitting more heat than the ventilation system could manage. And the coating of Silk so confused the ROD that it plunged and thrust without guidance.

Nor could DoubleD defend itself. The final constrictors failed, leaving it vulnerable, and CUMbot immediately exploited the opportunity, planting its ROD into the drone's most vital depths. CUM spurted in a copious torrent, blasting DoubleD's circuit boards, power cells, and actuators. The bot carried two spherical reservoirs of CUM and both emptied in a series of thick pulses that utterly coated the opponent drone's insides.

CUMbot immediately slowed. It was dangerously overheated and needed to cool off before it could once again move. Similarly, DoubleD was paralyzed, with every system either shorted out or clogged by the already hardening CUM.

The two machines remained connected for a long time.

***

Logfile - mission summary

Date: 09-23-2843

Device: CUMbot model 4

Mission: Infiltrate, penetrate, and disable

Mission status: Partial success. Encountered no enemy combatants or military-grade equipment. Was lured into an engagement with a depletion drone. Overcame drone's defenses and deposited a full CUM load deep for maximum disabling of the device. The opponent drone remained immobile at the end of the engagement.

***

Logfile - mission summary

Date: 09-23-2843

Device: Depletion Drone model 1

Mission: Lure, intercept, and deplete

Mission status: Partial success. Encountered one enemy CUMbot and was able to lure it into an engagement. However, the opponent bot overcame defenses and disabled this device with a heavy load of CUM. Unable to return to base. Diagnostics indicate a minimum nine-month downtime.