All Comments on 'Custom Pt. 06 - Of Gods and Elves'

I like the world building. I think Alanna is a good character - funny, charming, sexy, smart, adaptable - with a lot of room for development down the line.

I'm torn on Talos - I liked him a lot in the first arc, but I don't like stories about unfaithful partners, and it seems like that's becoming a foregone conclusion at this point. It feels wrong, considering what the two of them went through up to and including Alanna saving his life and giving him her maidenhood.

I don't like how short the chapters are. Even if it takes a little padding, a little more detail into their journeys or a few chapters combined together to flesh out each section. As it stands, each one feels like a teaser. And I dislike Casiama, more so with each chapter; she feels like a character that was written solely to drive a wedge between Alanna and Talos, and her character as a whole so far isn't very likeable. The rift that's growing between the two protagonists needs to be addressed in a more direct manner; I don't feel like Alanna, whose been very expressive in the past, would keep this sort of thing bottled up and festering.

I do think that if their relationship ends badly that Alanna should come to embody 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.' She's a sorceress with the ability to read and affect minds, and was said in a flashback to have a lot of potential. She's grown and developed into a capable adventurer, and I can see something a little compelling in her being rightfully driven to a darker, more selfish path by Talos betraying her for the latest pointy-eared squeeze.

She's judgmental and impulsive, most notably in how she constantly, immediately assumes people are her enemies. Hell, she attempted to murder the two protagonists off of an assumption, with no evidence to support her conclusion. And yeah, I don't feel it makes much sense for Talos to go from cold and intimidating around her to happily bringing her along and daydreaming about boning her and it's soured my opinion of her since.

Alanna just feels cast to the side, with Talos only ever bothering to acknowledge her in a surface level way ('You look positively lovely today') or to bring up some other amazing thing about Casiama, like how incredible her magic is (which, mind you, inherently means he finds Alanna's own abilities drab and dull in comparison). I can say from personal observation that I can't think of a single woman who would tolerate that sort of shit from her partner, especially not one as outspoken and emotional as Alanna.

If Casiama is the better 'fit' for Talos (since she's naturally more outdoorsy than her human counterpart) then just push them together and give Alanna some freedom. Forcing her to watch the man she thought she fell in love with falling for another woman just drives me insane.

I commented early on, that you made too many petty errors in such short chapters, and that you should take the time to self edit before submitting. It looks like you have improved since then, only one spelling error and one minor grammar error this time.

I really like the way this story is going. You have the two primary characters evolving in their relationship. Alanna is growing in her abilities and maturing as well. The introduction of the Elf has been surprising, and I agree with the other comments that she is at first quite hard to like. But by the end of this chapter she seems to be mellowing. I look forward to how, or even if, this character will mesh with the others to form a trio. You have depicted the Elf as very narcissistic, dressing in very revealing clothes for battle, hunting and just lounging around camp.Really antagonizing poor Alanna (the one with the huge boobs, who is getting boned by Talos, ha ha).

So far you have laid the groundwork for Alanna to leave Talos at some point because she is full of herself and wants to return to the comfort of the big city, but she could remain with the 'team' given the comforts provided by the Elf. It will be interesting to see what happens there.

The Elf could get to the ruins, find whatever she is looking for, do something to wreck the temporary alliance and disappear from their story. I am looking forward to finding out.

I already have put you on my Favorite list, because I don't want to lose sight of this story. Five stars for this chapter. Keep writing, please.

Finally, to be more constructive in my analysis of this chapter, here are the things I found fault with, along with suggested changes.

Spelling: jiggiling > jiggling

Continuity: "The voluptuous girl left her tent without putting her pants on and gasped in surprise." {I understood her to walk out}

"A huge, carefully constructed tent had been pitched before her, created with the golds and browns of rich bear pelts. Alanna rose quickly to her feet" {makes sense if you had said she crawled from her tent instead of left her tent}

Continuity: "Casiama -- wearing only a sheer white dress and panties -- was perched on her side" "Alanna's eyes shifted towards the tent, then the practically-naked elf," {ok so far} "The elf gracefully swept her hands widely around her thin, naked body," {what happened to the dress?}

Grammar: a elegant > an elegant

Grammar: "She pondered what the knowledge the books had inside" > "She pondered what knowledge the books had inside"

Suggestion: "Absolon grants warriors with the strength to defeat their foes in single combat. Telacar with the proper use of tactics" > "Absolon grants warriors the strength to defeat their foes in single combat. Telacar, the proper use of tactics" {now reading that change doesn't sound much better, so...} "Absolon gifts warriors with the strength to defeat their foes in single combat. Telacar with the proper use of tactics" As written, sounds like Absolon grants something to warriors who happen to have the strength to defeat their foes already, but you don't say what. But hey, this is Literotica, not English Lit, so this is okay as is. The story is compelling enough that a reader will just mentally adjust and keep reading.

Unknown Descriptive Term: "lying awake, her forested eyes and button nose pointing towards the ceiling with just a hint of red on her face" {what are "forested eyes"?}

Grammar: "agonizingly lazily withdrew" > "agonizingly slowly withdrew" or just "lazily withdrew"

Like I said earlier, the story is compelling enough that these errors are simply glossed over by the reader on the first pass (or if the reader is skimming to the sexy parts). But it is also good enough that I will read it again, and that is when the errors become more glaring. And there is enough time between postings that I go back one or two chapters to get into the mind set before reading the latest chapter.

Good luck with your story, I eagerly await more of it.

Religion is a fine helpful teaching you can lean to, to find freedom or happiness or peace, if it comes without a force onto you ..... Force like sword or words or physical pain ..... So this can give the stability to conquer your life ... Having a stabil partnership is topping this

So yeah being thankful and down to earth for the gifts we received or receive, is important

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🍀