Dad and the Emo Girl

I didn't want to be clingy during the party, and so I let Colly set the pace. I did kiss her at one point, and she lit up like a Christmas tree and kissed me back in front of everyone else there -- a long lingering kiss of deep affection. After that, I'd do little things like touch her as I went by, or stand with my arm around her when we were talking to someone, or just hold her hand. I let Colly be clingy with me, and I enjoyed every second of it. At that party, I learned she liked to show others that she and I were together in a romantic way. Publicly touching each other did that for her.

After the last of the guests departed, I pulled Colly to bed leaving the clean up until the morning, and we just lay there holding each other and talking about the party ... and then talking about nothing important. We were just enjoying the act of being together and having a transcendent experience.

Shortly before Thanksgiving, I took Colly to the local animal rescue shelter as a surprise. When she realized where we were and why we were there tears came to her eyes. "You mean I can have a pet?" she said in a voice that showed how awed she was with the possibility.

Two hours later, Max had joined our family. He was a small Australian shepherd puppy with brown tones, mostly black fur, and a white chest. Max still had his tail and could smile. We stopped at the local pet store on the way home and bought about five hundred dollars worth of food and things every dog owner must have. I smiled internally at how happy Colly looked as she walked around the pet store with Max on his new leash.

Colly proved to be a good mother to Max, and the two of them bonded instantly. Max adored Colly as much as I did, and I pointed that out to her. She beamed. She fawned over Max constantly, and also started to teach him tricks and tried to housebreak him, although I could see that was going to be a slow process. Max had a cage beside the bed, on Colly's side of course.

Max needed to be walked, and this proved a boon to our relationship because Colly and I started to take long walks with Max, walks where we talked about all sorts of things important to us. Those walks brought us closer and closer together as a couple, and we both acknowledged how our bond of 'togetherness' had strengthened. I always affirmed to Colly that I enjoyed her living with me.

Another crisis hit the second week of December. I say 'our,' but in fact it was more 'my' crisis much as watching her with two young men at the dance club months earlier, and fantasizing situations far removed from reality.

Colly had made many friends at the college taking her art courses. They'd decided to have an end of final exams party the night after the last exam. I sensed it was students only, no spouses or partners, and so I urged her to go and have a good time, admonishing her not to drive if she'd been drinking. I even told her I'd come pick her up when she wanted to come home.

I didn't fret until about nine o'clock. There was nothing good on TV, and I'd already walked Max twice our normal distance just to kill time. I wondered what Colly was doing, and whom she was with. I knew her classes were a mixed lot of boys and girls, and I started to have small fantasies about the kind of sexual activities she was involved in. As the evening progressed, my imagination had created some truly wild scenes that would have made Caligula blush.

By midnight, I was sweating bullets, and by one in the morning I was a basket case. I kept walking Max every hour, but kept my cellphone at my side. I tried to doze in the living room, but couldn't sleep. I cried for a while, believing in this single night I had lost Colly to some unknown group of people from whom she would never return.

Colly came home at one-thirty in the morning. Max bounded across the room to greet her. I stood and stared at her, trying to read her mood, what her night had been like, whether I had anything to worry about, and a million other questions that made me twitch with anxiety.

She cranked her head to one side and studied me for a full minute before saying anything. "I thought you'd have gone to bed."

I mumbled, "I couldn't sleep without you."

Colly shook her head. "Oh. I didn't realize you were so dependent on me; I'm sorry."

Her words sent a chill through me. I heard them as a callous rebuke of my feelings. She was sorry that I felt dependent on her for things. I eked out, "Did you have fun?"

"Yes. We all did. I drank too much at the start of the night, so I waited a bit before I drove. So did a few of the others." After a pause, she said, "Shall we go to bed; I'm tired."

I led the way into the bedroom followed by Colly and Max. Minutes later the two of them were fast asleep, but I lay awake trying to deal with my demons a good part of the night.

I was grumpy the next morning, and probably looked like hell. If Colly noticed, she didn't say anything. She went off to her job at the art store, and I stewed about things all day long again.

When Colly got home, I had dinner ready. I'd also put up the Christmas tree and put out a lot of decorations for the season. She smiled and praised my work, standing and admiring the tree for a full minute.

She said, "When I was little we had a few Christmas trees, but as I got older no one in my family seemed to care. I always envied my friends who had a tree."

I moved behind her and held her somewhat stiffly, not sure what had transpired the night before that might have changed our relationship.

She turned to me and put her arms around my neck, "Doug, what's wrong?"

I sighed. "It's just my wild imagination ... about you ... last night ... with your friends."

Colly hugged me and asked, "Did you imagine me doing something with someone else?"

I nodded and bit my tongue to keep from speaking. I knew if I tried to speak at that instant I'd break out crying.

"And, you thought that I made out with someone and had sex all night long with a couple of guys. How did that make you feel?"

I admitted in a choked up voice, "Confused to tell the truth. I felt bad, really bad that I'd lose you, but I also felt aroused thinking about you with someone else. I shouldn't try to hold on to you, I know; I'm so much older and you deserve someone younger and more virile. I feel blessed for every minute you are with me, like you're an angel, and I have only a limited time to spend with you." I paused and added, "Colly, I love you. I know I'm not supposed to say things like that in our relationship because it complicates things, and expresses emotions about 'us' that you don't want to hear, but that's how I feel. I really love you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head; I love you with every fiber in my body. I love you with my heart, my mind, my body, and most of all my spirit. I tell you that with the risk that it'll drive you away."

Colly had tears running down her cheeks. "Doug, I love you too ... and I didn't make out with anybody or fuck anybody or do anything other than sit around and drink and laugh and be silly with my friends all night. Nobody did anything; it was kind of a boring party in that regard, and I kept wishing I were home with you."

On that note, she burst into tears and buried her head in my chest. After a few minutes, she got ahold of herself. She took a deep breath and said, "OK, we have to talk about 'us.'" She pulled me to the sofa, had me sit, and then sat in my lap, but in a way so that we could see each other.

Colly said, "Tell me more about how you feel about me, and don't worry you can't say anything that's going to make me run off. You won't drive me away."

I took a deep breath, "What I just said; I love you in every way I can think of. I think you're amazing. I see so many character traits and values that I adore and that are important to me: kindness, thoughtfulness, willingness to work towards your goals, you're neat and organized, I love how you can change your personalities depending on your dress, you're enthusiastic, playful, and you put up with me." I waited a second and turned the question back on her, "And, what do you think about me?"

She started slowly, "I hope you know that from the moment I met you, you blew me away. I feel awed by you. I'm scared sometimes, because you take such good care of me. I'm afraid someday it'll end, and I'll find myself out on your front lawn wondering what happened. I'm insecure. I want to give myself over to you completely, but part of me holds back in fear that you'll change your mind about me. I don't want to get hurt. My mother hurt me badly when she left; moms aren't supposed to do that to their kids, even grown up kids. I'd been hurt in other relationships before we met too, and they weren't as serious but I learned what getting dumped might be like, except in your case it would be disastrous for me. I love you so, but I'm so scared." Colly's voice ended with a little tremor in it.

"Oh, Colly. I'm not going to dump you. I'm the one that's scared that you'll see another gray hair on my head one day, and wake up to being with an old man and just walk away. I don't want to own you or possess you, but I've developed such a love and need for you in my life. I hate to admit my dependency, because I don't want you to be here because of guilt or a sense of duty. I think of you like a precious butterfly on my finger; I get to enjoy you for a few seconds and then you're going to fly away."

We were both crying and using our fingers to brush away the tears from our eyes and cheeks.

Colly said with a sob, "I don't ever want to leave you."

I said with a loud sniffle, "Maybe we could make a deal with each other -- a deal where we'd commit to each other about the things that are important, starting with always being here for each other."

"... And loving each other," Colly added with a sniffle. "Doing all the things that loving couples do ... and even telling each other we love one another. I could do that if I know we'll always be together."

I added, "I love you ... and we need to agree not to run away or throw anybody out the door without a minimum of a hundred years of discussion and debate -- and that means 'never.'"

Colly hugged me tightly, so tightly I could tell she didn't want to let me go -- ever. She whispered, "Oh, Doug, I love you so. I'm yours. I'm a one-man girl, and you're my man. I love you."

I thought for a moment and said, "Wait here, I want to get something." I moved her off my lap and went into our bedroom.

I came back a moment later and sat beside Colly, so we were tight against each other on the sofa. I said, "I'm not trying to spook you out or make you run, and I don't think you will now. If this is too weird, we can reverse what I'm about to do in whatever way will make you happy."

I opened my hand and showed Colly the diamond engagement ring I'd given to Alice when she was about the same age as Colly. Years later, we'd added some diamonds on the side, and years after that even bought a larger diamond. Alice had always said the ring had a high sparkle factor.

I took Colly's left hand and slipped the diamond band on her ring finger. To my surprise, it was a perfect fit -- not too loose and not too tight.

I said, "Marriage may not be right for us at this time, but a deep commitment is. I would love to be married to you, but I think it would rob you of a chunk of your youth that you have yet to enjoy without feeling the yoke of marriage. I want to give you your singlehood, but share it with you. I guess that's a crazy and awkward middle ground. If I know now that you're committed to me, and I know that where I am is your home, then I give you the freedom to be that butterfly. This ring was Alice's, and it represented our long commitment to each other. I'd be proud ..."

Colly was holding my face and kissing me all over so I couldn't speak any more. "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I'll wear it. I'll never take it off. I love it. I love you. I know what it means. I know how important it is -- how important this minute is. I want it. I want you. I commit to you now and for always. I love you. I love you. I love you!"

The lure of a warm weather Christmas finally eclipsed my two daughters' needs to be in the north near friends. Fran and her husband Richard, and Elise all flew down south for a few days at Christmas.

All I had told them was that I had met someone special. I didn't elaborate about Colly, our living together, our new commitment to each other, or her background. In fact, I made it sound as though I'd just started dating a pleasant old woman from my club with no details. We figured it would be fun to watch how they reacted to her when they got to Florida.

I picked up the three of them at the airport, and drove them home with their luggage filling the car's trunk. We had an animated conversation, and I successfully ducked all their questions about my new 'special person' other than to say they'd meet her soon enough.

Colly had reverted to her Emo Girl look. The piercings were all in place. She wore a black wife-beater sleeveless shirt so her entire colorful dragon tattoo showed. She also put on one of Max's black studded dog collars, just the right accessory to signal real toughness. She had the flaming red and blue streaks back in her dark hair, and a lock plastered diagonally across her face so it almost covered one eye. She wore black from her collar to her black boots, with the silver chain around her waist once again. She looked uncompromising and insolent.

As I brought Fran, Elise, and Richard into the house, Colly came and met us at the door. I did introductions without explaining Colly's presence; there was obvious confusion by the three arrivals about what Colly's role was and even why this emo girl was present. The remote possibility that she was my 'special person' hadn't even entered their thinking.

Colly used a raw almost rude tone to direct us into the living room where she had a tray of drinks and snacks. She was abrupt. As she started to serve Fran, I saw the glint of the engagement ring; and as Colly passed a glass of iced tea to my thirty-one year old daughter, Fran saw the ring.

Fran froze in position with her eyes locked on the ring. She pointed at Colly's hand, then stammered and stuttered for over a minute, "Tha ... tha ... Oh, my God, ... that ... that's Mom's ring ... isn't it?" She pointed at Colly's hand that still held out a glass to her with the ring sparkling in a shaft of daylight from the window that couldn't have been better planned. Fran was going apoplectic and couldn't speak.

I smiled politely and said, "Yes. Since Colly is the special person in my life, and given the depth of our feelings for each other, it seemed appropriate for her to wear that ring."

Elise said loudly, "WHAT?" She looked Colly in the eye and said in a very confrontational voice, "How old are you?"

Colly smiled at her but replied in a challenging manner, "Nineteen, why?"

Fran started to sputter again, "Tha ... that means Dad's over forty years older than ya ... you?"

Colly said in a slightly softer tone, "Yes. He's so nice and mature. I just love him to pieces with every atom in my body, and he tells me he feels the same way about me."

Elise cut to the chase, "Where do you live?"

Colly gestured broadly to the house but kept her voice harsh as she responded, "I live here, with Doug. Today, that's what people who love each other do. We sleep together, and when we feel like it, we even make love and that's almost every day." I watched the dragon on her biceps flex in her gesture. I'm sure the muscular tension and flex wasn't lost on my daughters who had now moved in closer to Colly. The wolves were moving in for the kill.

Richard had watched the rapid interplay of conversation like a tennis match, with his head rapidly switching from person to person. He had an amused expression on his face. I liked my son-in-law. Wisely, he hadn't said a word.

Elise whispered to me in a voice tinged with disgust, only everyone could hear her, "Are you going to get married?" Every word expressed her disapproval.

I said so everyone could hear, "Not for a while. Colly's young, and I want her to have some freedom to feel she can spread her wings a little, yet have a special place to come home to."

Colly suddenly said, "Oh, excuse me for a few minutes." I knew she was going off to change her clothing. She almost ran from the room but in glee at what we were doing. I saw the flash of a smile before she disappeared.

As soon as she was out of the room, my wolf daughters attacked me with a barrage of questions about how we met, what she's trying to dig out of me, how much money of mine she's spending, what I was thinking by associating with someone so young, why I'd given her a ten-thousand dollar ring that had belonged to their mother, what I was doing sleeping with a trollop like her, and on and on. The questions came faster than I could answer them, and none of them hinted at a favorable impression. So that Colly could hear all this later, I had my little memory minder recorder in my pocket; it was good for a two-hour recording. I had accurately envisioned the response of my daughters and son-in-law too, a point that warmed me to them because they were so predictable.

I toyed my daughters while Colly was out of the room. I told them I'd reveal all starting with how we met. I gave a very slow, deliberate, and very detailed description of how we met, complete with lots of diversions in my description. I talked about why I'd started going to the mall, how I missed Alice, what the bench I sat on was like, what stores were nearby, the categories of people I saw, and on and on. I finally mentioned that Colly had sat down next to me, what she was wearing, and that over a few days we'd started to say a few words to each other, but then I got into a detailed description of the mall parking lot, traffic, having to park far away even when it was raining, and how the parking situation changed with the season. I talked about the coffee shop where I bought coffee for Colly and me, and even got into what the best flavors of coffee were. I was stalling.

Colly changed in record time. She appeared in the doorway, looking like a million dollars about fifteen minutes later. The piercings were gone. She wore a colorful skirt and high heels that showed off her shapely legs. Her matching blouse hid her tat and showed her cleavage, but not in a flagrant way. The hair color was almost gone, and she'd reapplied her make up to match the best of the country club set. She'd put her hair up in a sexy twist too that eclipsed most of the women at the club. She came in and demurely knelt to serve the iced tea to Fran, Elise, and Richard again, carefully pouring and handing out the glasses. Her demeanor was reminiscent of a Japanese tea ceremony.

A silence had taken over the living room from the time Colly walked in -- really her grand entrance. My daughters were carefully reexamining Colly the way a doctor might examine a patient with a sudden change of symptoms. They were so focused on her, they failed to notice that she was holding the glasses of tea for them, this time on a small serving tray. Just watching her, I felt so proud and so in love with her. She was so perfect and playful.

When Colly spoke about serving the tea, her voice was dramatically softer and the ultimate in politeness and deference to my kids who were eleven years older than she was. She wasn't behaving like a kid sister, or like a trophy wife or stepmother, just like a polite and friendly adult and intimate loving friend of their father that had more than every right in the universe to be where she was whether they liked it or not. Her love flowed from her to every person in the room; I could feel it and I know my daughters could. Given the emo girl performance of a few minutes earlier, they were puzzled at the incongruity Colly posed in their thinking.