Damaged Beyond Repair

"After I put the kids to bed, I paced the house, still desperate to find some way to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I tore the pages out of our wedding album and burned them in the fireplace. When the flames died down, I added your wedding dress and all the pictures of us I could find.

"But there were remnants the flames didn't consume. I knew I would have to bury my marriage, so I buried its artifacts, too. The ashes. My wedding ring. I was digging the hole when I realized your real weak spot. You obviously didn't care anything for me anymore, but you probably did love Emma and Tommy. I would never hurt them, of course, but I realized how easy it would be to dig two holes of a certain size instead, and let you wonder what I did. I figured you were on your fourth fuck and tenth orgasm by then. Whenever I got weary of digging in the hard ground, I just pictured Marc pumping hard in your ass and my energy surged."

This time, it was Linda who sighed, as she tried to provide what little comfort she could. "I never let him have my ass. He asked, but I wouldn't."

Jim turned sarcastic. "God, Linda, you should have told me and that would have made everything all right. Denying a stranger what you always denied your husband anyway. Great. Hey, while I'm reconsidering all this, can you tell me if there was anything else you wouldn't do with him?"

Silence.

He continued his story: "I didn't sleep, of course. I tried to cuddle with your pillow while I knew you were cuddling with him. In the dark, alone with my imagination, I became sorry that I hadn't tried out that tree. I even thought about returning to finish the job, but couldn't very well leave the children home alone. I made it to dawn by reminding myself that I could always go back out there later.

"Then, I tried to guess when you would get home. Who knew? Maybe, I hoped, you would cut things short and show me a little respect by coming home early. Yeah, home in an Uber, leaving his filth behind. I might have been able to live with that. I set 7 a.m. as a deadline. But in my heart, I knew you wouldn't. By 8 o'clock, I gave up and took the kids to a park. That park. Then to Denny's for a slow breakfast followed by a long car ride.

"I drove past the house but there was no commotion there yet so I just cruised the neighborhood and waited. Not that you ever would have noticed, but I was stopped at the curb not 200 feet behind the Ferrari when I saw you kiss him. Some of our neighbors were out working on their lawns, with every eye on the fancy car and the whore climbing out in her night-before evening dress. Hell, I should have divorced you over that embarrassment alone.

"I hung around the area, waiting for the police to start showing up. Well, you know the rest."

Linda, deflated, cherry-picked a detail that caught her ear. "You, you'd have forgiven me if I came home earlier?"

"I don't know," Jim responded. "That was my thinking at the moment. But in retrospect, I hope not."

"Thank God you didn't harm yourself," Linda whispered, sobbing again. "I never meant to hurt you, Jim. I didn't think it was about you. It was just for me. I was so selfish. I wish to God I had never left with him."

"That may be the worst of all of it," her husband explained. "People truly in love are always supposed to think about the other first. Always. If it helps any, Linda, you didn't spoil a great marriage. You just proved we never really had one."

"Please, Jim. I'll prove you can trust me. I'll be your faithful, loving wife forever. Tell me, what can I say to make things better?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. This isn't about anything you can say, or do. It's about things you cannot undo. It's about the way the circumstances changed me. I am not the man I was, or at least not the man I thought I was."

"Yes you are, yes, yes," Linda pleaded. "My strong Jim, protecting me even when I am too stupid to protect myself. Just like you always did."

He needed a few beats to collect his thoughts. "Do you fully understand that in a very short period of time, I went from rapture to fantasizing about killing the dearest person in my world to coming within a second or two of taking my life? Then, I inflicted the worst emotional pain on you I could conceive. And I enjoyed it."

"It's OK," Linda said.

"No it's not," Jim said. "You're not getting it. You're trying to tell me I can trust you again. And maybe one day I could, But that's secondary. I'm trying to find a way to trust me again. You inflicted my first gut punch, but my own insane behavior delivered a stronger second. I've got to get past that before I even begin thinking about you. You tested our marriage and it broke. I broke, too. Probably forever.I'm not sure if I can ever fix me.

"I've got to go now. Good luck with your new guy. Try not to break him, too."

EPILOGUE

Marc Lavalliere's life fairly quickly turned to shit. Not 18 months after he bedded Linda, his Ferrari ran off a highway and into a tree. No, not that tree. The married woman with him, his conquest of the night, was killed. Marc who had been drunk, was convicted of vehicular manslaughter. He lost his place on the team and depleted his bank account in vain efforts to avoid prison and battle a civil suit by the victim's husband and children.

Dee, scarred by her role in wrecking a good friend's marriage, apologized individually to her husband and Linda and Jim -- and dedicated herself to fidelity forevermore. She felt a shiver every time she contemplated how her own life might have been ruined if Marc had approached her instead that night.

Linda's new guy fizzled. She dated a little off and on, but always ruled out suitors after comparing them to her Jim. Two years had passed since sex with Marc or anybody else. She was grateful that Jim, by remaining a major presence in their kids' lives, played at least a minor role in hers. She still loved him. She wondered if he ever noticed that she had carved the heart and initials back into the tree. Linda got through each day on the hope that someday he might take her back.

Jim's tried dating but no new woman remotely compared to the old Linda. He still loved her deeply, but could not get past the fear of being blindsided again and of how he would react. Unlike Linda, he held no conscious hope of a reconciliation. Whenever Jim felt hope creeping into his thoughts, he would wait until dark and refresh the painful memories with a drive out Highway 3.