Damaged Goods

Well, I say 'blew up', but I guess I mean that I got about five texts in rapid succession. I wasn't sure that they were related but I was worried for a moment.

Two numbers. One I recognized. It was Marilyn's. The other I didn't. I read that one first, figuring it was the most likely to be bad news:Hey, this is Jane. You know, Marilyn's sister.

You aren't planning on leaving soon are you? Marilyn probably won't tell you but she had nightmares last night and she said your name. I feel bad because she wouldn't want me telling you, but she protects people from things, even if it would make her feel better to talk about them. Maybe she will with you? It was really nice meeting you...

Huh. Marilyn hadn't mentioned anything like that, but we'd only had a few hours to talk, and even fewer with any privacy. I hope I didn't give her the feeling that I wanted to take off. I didn't. I wanted to be with her more than anything. That was at least part of the problem. I moved on to Marilyn's texts: Hey. It's our first break today and we're allowed to text, we have a few minutes so I thought I'd see how you were doing.

I hope I didn't wake you. I just,

I didn't want last night to be weird. I don't want anything weird between us. Everything was right for me. I really, really hope it was for you too.

Ah, they probably had the same break in classes. That explained it. Well, at least nothing was wrong. I was least sure of how to respond to Marilyn, so I started with Jane: thx for caring, am so glad she has family that cares. Pls don't worry. Not going anywhere. Will talk to her tonight.

Ok, now to respond to Marilyn. I deleted three attempts before I settled on this: Not weird. Could never be weird with you. Looking forward to seeing you later. Ps-Not going anywhere so don't worry about offending. Like old days, you can tell me anything.

That seemed reassuring and safe without going too far. Jane sent a smiley so I guess we were done. Marilyn sent: gr8 <3 u. C u l8r

God I could barely read that. Was I getting old? Billy would have called me over an asked me to interpret that for him and then swore about "the youths".

I had one more thing I wanted to do before I forgot. I called Beth's number and got her voicemail. I asked her if it would be ok if I took Marilyn out tonight so we could talk in private. I let her know I wouldn't keep her out too late, but I had family stuff to talk about and I thought it would be less strange elsewhere. And we still had years of catching up to do.

I got up and went out. I drove back to the old neighborhood. I didn't want to, but it pulled me like the tide. It hadn't changed. Well, the corners were probably owned by different people now but you still had to worry. On a lark I went into an old cafe where mom used to take us. I ate a fantastic burger and asked the waitress questions as she came back with coffee. I didn't recognize her but she answered. Probably thought I was a cop. They were all pretty innocent questions, really. Was D still here? No, he was shot last year and died on his corner. Did Jerry get out of prison? Yeah, but he went back on a violation after he was caught carrying. Everyone I really knew, whether I loved or hated them, was gone. I guessed that out of twenty names, only one other person really got out, and she was probably working as a high class escort uptown. Well, good for her. It should be legal, and regulated. To me it had always been real work. And dangerous.

Mom sometimes did it. She never told us, but I knew. It made me sick. I didn't like thinking about her out there fucking strangers, but mostly I was afraid she'd get hurt. And cops didn't give a shit about dead whores. But we had rent. And she didn't have to do it all the time, only when dad couldn't move enough product. It was never drugs or guns or stolen shit. It was always "product". I hated the fucking word now. It felt like a coward's word to me.

I wondered if Marilyn knew about mom and what she'd done. I know that she was only a year or two away from being put on the street. Dad's friends would have seen to that. That thought did make me sick. Sick and full of rage. Before everything went to hell, I was already planning on taking her and running. Mom would have had to fend for herself.

As I paid for my food and left a huge tip for the waitress, I wondered if there was any part of the past that wasn't covered in barbed wire, ready to cut you if you weren't paying attention.

I drove back to the hotel, went to my room and stripped down. I did my exercises. Billy called them "body weight" because thats all you needed. You could do them anywhere. And they wore you out fast. I was lean and lanky, tough and made of muscle. Not bulging, but compact. I didn't look like much but I could do handstand pushups, and that was no joke.

When I was done I was exhausted and felt better. At peace again. I read and napped until my alarm told me that she'd be home soon. I showered, shaved. Got myself correct, as we used to say. I was drinking burned coffee at the Starbucks in the lobby when I got the text from Marilyn: Mom says you want to take me out? Sounds really good. Can you pick me up in an hour? Thx!

Well, I guess it was a date.

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Date Knight

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I came inside when I got there. It felt wrong to pick her up outside, like a date. Especially after last night. And I got to say hi to Beth, who hugged me and Jane who was all smiles now. I guess I was acceptable. Marilyn was still getting ready so I endured Jane's questions.

"Did you ever see any drug deals?"

"Every day. They aren't special. One guy takes the money and then waves you forward. Then another guy gives you the stuff. Ask me later and I'll tell you how to get set up on the corner."

"Did you ever have to run from the cops?"

"Yeah, because me and my buddies shoplifted. It was dumb, even for us. If I had been caught I'd have been taken away and maybe never seen Marilyn again."

"Did you ever see anyone get killed?"

"Jane!" Beth said, "That's not something to ask a guest!"

I guess no one had told Jane about how Marilyn got here. Not the specifics anyway. I tried to be casual about it. I wasn't mad at her, but I did feel the knots inside me tighten a little bit. Some people were big on the truth but I saw value in kids like Jane not having to know some shit until they were adults.

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to take you out too," I said, with what I hoped looked like a goofy grin on my face, pointing finger-guns and winking at her. She laughed and Beth looked relieved.

"Ok," Beth said, picking up her keys, "lets go, Jane. It's movie night for us girls. Have a good time!"

With that, Beth and Jane left, apparently fine with me being in their kitchen. I don't know if I could ever get used to being accepted like this. I watched them pull out of the driveway, lost in my thoughts of what-if. So I didn't notice Karla.

"Where are you going to take her?"

I jumped and she laughed.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you. I just came down to make some coffee. Lot of studying to do so I couldn't go with them."

I took a deep breath. I was too tightly wound.

"Uh, not sure. Think its going to be her choice tonight. I kind of want to do something nice for her. I feel bad, not being around."

I thought of all the birthdays I'd missed. All the things I hadn't told her. For example, I never thanked her for holding my hand instead of running.

"You know, she doesn't date," Karla said, interrupting my reverie.

"What?"

"She never dates. She went out with like three boys for a total of three dates, but she wasn't interested in any of them. You know why, right?"

"Um," I said, trying to think of a way to deflect. I wasn't comfortable with the way this conversation was going.

"It's because she's in love with you. I could tell when she first showed up. The way she talked about you. It didn't sound like a teenaged girl who looked up to her older brother. Or a crush. She was always so afraid that she wouldn't find you. Or she would and you wouldn't want anything to do with her. And the way she thinks of you hasn't changed. I'm her older sister. I know."

"Are you sure?" I asked, despite myself. I mean, we'd kissed, but there were all kinds of explanations for that. The physical reaction between two people didn't make something love.

"Yeah. I'm sure. She's always been reserved. I've never seen her this happy or smiling this much. Look, I'm...I'm not judging, ok? I know this is weird and if someone just told me about it I'd probably think it was wrong. But I've seen how she looks at you and how you look at her. And it doesn't feel like it's wrong. It seems right for her. She's been my sister for five years and I want her to be happy. If an unusual relationship makes her happy, then I'm perfectly willing to overlook all kinds of things."

"Wow," I said, choked up for a second, "thank you. I don't really know how things are going to end up, but I appreciate your understanding. I wouldn't have expected it."

"You should expect it. I love her. Now, if you break her heart, I'll fucking kill you," she said, smiling, "but I think you knew that already."

"I'd never do any..." but I was interrupted by events. Marilyn came down the steps.

God-fucking damn. She really had grown up.

She was just wearing a simple black dress, and it was pretty modest. It went to her knees, but it was slightly constrictive. Just enough to show off curves when she moved. And she was so graceful, it was like she flowed across the room rather than walked. It covered the front of her torso and hung from around her neck so it showed no cleavage. It was a little tight across the chest, so you could make out the shape of her breasts but details remained tantalizingly hidden. About the only risqué thing about it was that it showed off her shoulders and upper back.

To me though, she looked like a vision. She was, like always, the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.

I kept my shit together, just barely, so I didn't look like the pervert I knew myself to be. Were I officially her date, I would have stared openly. I laughed.

"Ok you come down here looking like a movie star and I'm in some dockers and a dress shirt. Are you trying to make me feel bad?"

She laughed too.

"You look good. And you're wearing a tie. Two days in a row!"

She did look impressed with how I looked, but I guess she was right. Neither of us had clothes like this back in the day, so it was nice to dress up.

"When am I bringing you back by?" I asked, ever conscious of hidden lines. I didn't want to do anything, ever, that made anyone look at Marilyn badly. Karla answered for Marilyn.

"She's eighteen. She might be in high school but she's graduating this year. And its Friday. Whenever is fine."

Marilyn looked positively shocked at that turn of events. But then, I was her older, street-smart brother. If she wasn't safe with me who would she be safe with?

The real question, I thought to myself, is whether she's safe from me.

"Um," Marilyn said, at a loss, "I'll text you or mom if we're going to be out late."

Then she hugged Karla and we left. For all of them it was pretty standard, but for me it was yet another reassurance that Marilyn was going to be ok.

I opened the car door for her, because it felt like the right thing to do. She smiled at me. As we pulled out I noted that her older sister was watching from the window.

"Does Karla always watch you when you leave with strange men?"

"She worries for me I think. She really tries to be a good big sister for me and Jane. And you aren't strange."

"I'll take your word for it. So, I have a confession."

Her eyes got a little wider.

"Uh. Ok."

"I have no idea where to take you. This is the first time I've been in the city in like two years and I only know the old neighborhood. I checked Yelp but I really don't know where you like to eat."

"Oh my god I thought...never mind. There's a good seafood place down the road. Not like a chain."

"Sounds good. What did you think I was going to say?"

She blushed.

"I thought you were going to tell me you stole this car or something."

I laughed out loud. More shocked than offended.

"I've never even tried to steal a car. The biggest thing I stole was a box of ho-hos. I should totally kick you out of my legal, economical, and completely paid-for car."

"You wouldn't!" she said with mock offense, "I'm your only sister! And I'm cute."

"The court acknowledges that the defendant is cute. Charges of scandalous accusations against the driver are dropped."

She laughed.

"God I missed your stupid jokes. Turn right here, its just back here, by the river."

"You missed that? Jesus the suburbs must be pretty boring."

"You have no idea. But I wish you did. I really have missed you. I worried about you too."

I pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant that just had a neon anchor for a sign. Must be the place. I didn't like the idea of her worrying about me, mostly, but a part of me found it reassuring. I didn't think too hard about that.

"I hope you didn't worry too much," I said, opening the door for her and offering her my hand to get out, "I like the idea of you in that house, having fun with your sisters, studying, hanging out with friends."

She stopped and looked away for a bit.

"I feel bad about it, but I did get distracted a lot. I looked for you, but...not all the time. And as time went on, I looked less and less. I hadn't given up, but I wasn't really being a good sister. I should have done more."

I put my hand at the small of her back and gently pushed towards the door, walking alongside her. It was getting colder as the last light of the day began to leave. I'd have to give her my coat when we left.

"You didn't do anything wrong. You were, well actually are, a kid. You just hit eighteen. You haven't even graduated high school yet. Looking for me at all is flattering. It's not like I constantly looked for you either. Life...happened. I'm just happy that one of us found the other. Anything else is just details."

I held the door open for her and we went inside. It had a cheesy nautical theme, dark wooden walls, fake fish on the walls. Somehow it was so earnest that it worked. It seemed to be a nice, classy place. A good choice. I looked at Marilyn to complement her taste but she was looking at me with no expression, eyes wide, face flushed. It was such a sudden change that I was worried.

"Hey, are you feeling all right? I can take you home, if..."

She suddenly came back to herself, blinking.

"No!" she exclaimed, a little too loud, "I mean, no. I'm fine. I just zoned out for a minute."

It felt like she was holding something back but she smiled and it was definitely sincere. I smiled back.

"Table for two, please," I told the host.

We got seated right at the window, overseeing the slow moving river. The night was cloudy but there was no fog, so you could see the lights of the office buildings downtown being reflected in the waves. It made for a beautiful display, and although I wasn't really much of a romantic, even I could appreciate the atmosphere. I pulled my chair out for Marilyn and then sat down across from her. She looked at me with a small smile.

"What?"

"Where did you learn this?"

"Learn what?" I was genuinely confused.

"To be such a goddamn gentleman?"

She swore in that adorable way that she had, and was smiling when she said it.

"I guess I should make up an interesting story, but the truth is Billy. I was flirting with a girl and he saw me. So he told me what to do. I asked him if it was really, you know, appreciated any more. You know, I didn't want to do something that would make a girl feel like I was patronizing her or something. He said that I should do it because its polite, if I asked them out. Man or woman. If my date objects then I should stop. His advice hasn't really let me down, honestly."

"Ha! I need to meet him. I feel that we could trade embarrassing stories about you...for hours."

"Oh god. Yeah, he would have so many. He took care of me at my least civilized time. I was, well, I was pretty angry. He taught me to be calm. To be thoughtful. I think I'd be dead without him."

I realized by her reaction to my words that I had said too much. Goddammit why could I never keep my mouth shut properly. And always with people that I cared for.

"What do you mean by that? Why would you have died?"

I sighed. For someone else I might lie. But to her? I might leave things out, but I couldn't lie.

"I mean that I wasn't in control. Not really. The home I was in before Billy wasn't all that great. I don't want to talk about it, but I was fighting a lot, doing dumb things. I'd call Billy a role model but I don't think that's good enough. He loved me, and kids like me, in the way we needed. He helped us work out our issues. Or at least he was there to support us. More than a few of us passed through his home, and some were worse off than me. He helped all of them at least a little."

Not a lot were worse off. Barry, maybe. Amy, for sure. He died back in Baltimore, but she made it out and was in college somewhere, I think.

"Well," she said, her expression becoming somber and pensive, "Now I know I have to meet him. To thank him. Anyone who helped you is my friend. Anyone who helped to bring you back to me is family."

She reached out and grabbed my hand and squeezed it. Her expression was so intense. I smiled and squeezed it back. We were interrupted by the waitress and we jerked our hands apart like kids caught kissing at church. She smirked at us but didn't say anything.

We ordered drinks, talked, ate bread, ordered dinner. I had the crab and she had the surf and turf. It was really nice. I hated to mess up the atmosphere, but I did have to talk about something unpleasant. She noticed the expression on my face.

"What's wrong?" she said, "Did I say something?"

"No, I just never told you the other reason I came to the city. I would have come to see you anyway, but before I saw you I went to speak at dad's parole hearing. He was denied."

"What the fuck? He was up for parole after what he did?"

"Yeah. No one ever told us, but he had a plea deal. He won't be up again for another five years."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she said, annoyed, "I would have said something too."

"Because," I said, sighing, "I didn't want him to know where you were, or even that you knew he still existed. I know you're an adult now, but...I just couldn't take the risk."

I expected her to get more annoyed or even angry, but she just smiled instead.

"You're still protecting me. I don't think you'll ever stop. I love that about you."

It was my turn to blush.

"The idea of anything happening to you...it makes me feel sick. You're more important to me than my life."

Her eyes got big, although I was just stating something that was fact. Five years hadn't changed that. She got a far-off look in her eyes.

"Do you remember that time we had a slumber party?"

"Um," I said, embarassed,"I don't."

"Well, thats what you told me it was. The truth was that dad had a party and invited all of his 'friends'. I didn't realize it until I got older but you knew that mom was going to be pretty drunk and you didn't trust any of them. So we stayed up late in your room and played board games. You told me jokes until I got tired and then I fell asleep on your bed. You slept on the floor, by your door."

"Oh," I said, "Yeah. I remember that."

"I woke up late, and someone was trying to get in your room. You'd locked it but the door was pretty flimsy. You were standing there with your baseball bat, just waiting for whoever was trying to get in, ready to fight. They never managed get to us. You've always protected me. Always. When I get scared I think of that night, and remember how brave you were."