Damian Ch. 05: A BRIDGE TOO FAR?

05) IS IT A BRIDGE TOO FAR?

The one where Damian and Cassie review the past.

Damian has been going through therapy to rebuild his sexuality after his wife demanded a divorce in a brutal public spectacle where she showed that she'd become a dominatrix and humiliated Damian in front of his friends and colleagues. She did it both because he had had an affair but also because she'd gotten into a twisted domination/submission relationship with Lily, the person with whom he had the affair. She hasn't spoken to him about their relationship in three months, but has finally reached out and it's time they understood each other better.

I have to reschedule Friday's appointment with Dr. Anne because of work; I've missed too much lately. So, we are set to meet on Monday.

The camping weekend goes well with the boys. The best time I've had in three months (well, fucking again was probably the actual best time, but that's a whole different thing). I find that driving there is excruciating because of sitting on my raw ass after Tara's... er... therapy. Things don't go perfectly on the trip: our campsite gets rained on and the tent collapses in the middle of the night, so we all sleep in the car. But still, a great time. We catch a few fish and I de-head and gut them, but will leave the scaling to Cassie. I put the fish bodies in the ice cooler to take back for her to cook them for the proud boys. She can't say "no" to our children, but she hates cooking fish and especially scaling fish. I smile at my little revenge.

I'm a few minutes early to drop the boys and since we're happily singing boy scout camp songs on the way home, I avoid thinking about what's facing me. But it's hard conversation time with Cass. We get home, the boys give her a hug and make to look for their electronics while I hand her the cooler.

She makes a face when presented with the fish, but smiles and shouts after the boys telling them how proud she is, catching them just before they enter electronics wonderland for the rest of the evening. Then she glares at me only half-seriously. It feels like the kind of repartee that brightened our lives before they went to hell.

She has a babysitter already. So we take off, anxiously, in my car still smelling of camping must. I think we both re-live happy moments just from that smell. I have to be careful not to show the physical pain I feel, but it's a stark reminder to me to 'be good to myself.' Rather than go someplace too public, we decide to take a late-evening walk in the park and chat.

Walking is a standing-up thing too. My ass thanks you.

As we walk, I resist the habitual urge to take her hand; it was always there for me and for me a reassuring part of our connection. My love language is touch.

Neither of us want to start but as we walk, we both blurt some opening line at the same time and laugh. Cass stops us and catches my eye, looking deeply. She's serious. This is her 'I'm serious' face. Then she says... in her gentlest, most sincere voice:

"I'm sorry."

I'm flummoxed. Those are the last words I expected her to say, but the words that I knew I needed most.

"Damian, you already said you were sorry and I believe you. You said you were sorry at the custody hearing. I was there angry, flustered, shocked, surprised... and feeling betrayed yet again, but as a professional, I've learned to always listen carefully. I listened.

"And for days, weeks, I thought about it. And I cried. And I replayed. And I challenged myself. And I argued myself to sleep. I talked incessantly with... with my friends." That stutter... I think she was going to say something else... or someone else. "And at the end, we bo... all came to the same conclusion. You're right. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. It felt like my Supergirl moment. I was making my legend. When I finally took back all the power that was stolen from me. But it was so unfair... because you didn't steal it. Lily stole it. Well, yeah, you hid some of my power... my... self... from me... yes, you did, but I didn't go looking for it either so... my fault too.

"What you did was stupid and selfish. What I did was angry and mean." My sin is greater than yours.

"Not for nothin', but... will you forgive me? Is there a universe where we can at least be in the same room and not hate each other? I don't hate you, Damian. Some part of me is still mad at you, but I don't hate you."

I still feel the sting of my caning that I worked so hard over the weekend to hide from the boys; I couldn't even wear shorts since one of the cane marks was too low on my legs. But the caning pain reminded me of my epiphany with the demons... I didn't hate her. I anger-hate-loved her. And the piece that was winning right now was love. It hurt me to see her hurting because she hurt me. So much hurt.

Didn't I resolve to let myself accept love? There was a spark of love and compassion in what Cassie was saying.

I smile a little. It's taken three-plus brutal months to get to this moment... and mostly because of Cassie's stubbornness. Why couldn't she have been that stubborn to work out of Lily's grips six months ago and just fucking talk to me?

"I... in some ways, I already have, Cass. I've learned a lot these three months. My therapist has started to help work me through the PTSD and..."

"What! PTSD? Damian!" I could see her thinking hard: quickly building perspective about how she might've actually impacted me "...uuuhh... was that your therapist's diagnosis?"

I hang my head in shame "yeah, Cassie. I had no idea... she just threw it out there one day and the clinical definition just made sense... I'm sorry..."

She wanted to hug me... I saw her lean in then think twice about it.

"Who is your therapist?"

"Anne Sanford."

I saw Cassie deflate. I think she was hoping for a different answer. "Damn. Anne is very good and very well-respected. You were wise to choose her. And... if that's her diagnosis... I can't debate it. God, I'm an ass."

"I just lucked out - I made the appointment through the insurance after... a really bad night... and I got her. She's really very good, Cassie. Really unorthodox, but good. And, she... she..." it was still so easy to talk to Cass, that my walls weren't protecting me from my mouth. I wanted to say so much.

"...She what?"

What the hell? "...She's an expert on BDSM culture... she did her dissertation on it - how it goes well and how it goes badly.... Just random luck, Cassie, but she's helped me understand more of what might've gone on with you." I'm not even considering telling her about my sparking interests in participating.

"You still could've done more, Cass. You could've actually talked to me. We could've worked it out. Lily couldn't have had that much on you... I would've been there for you. If I'd broken it off, then she shouldn't have done whatever she was blackmailing you about. We were a team, Cass. A real team.

"I was never going to stay with her, Cass."

"But you said you loved her. I heard it!"

"Yeah, but that was the little brain talking." I consider my words and realize they're a dodge, so I get a little more honest: both with Cass and with myself "Okay... fuck. Cop out. Just a little maybe, but totally different Cass... I love YOU" Damn! That slipped out "I loved you, and maybe I had some sort of other love for Lily. Or maybe just lust-love. Or maybe I loved the thought of 'a' Lily. I don't know. But it didn't in any way diminish how I felt about you. You were my life's food, she was just an afternoon snack."

Cass nods slowly. Her look is incredulous.

"How could you have doubted that, Cass?"

Again, she deflates.

"But what I really have no fucking absolute clue of a clue about..." I take a moment to fight with Anger "...is what the ever-loving HELL happened to you, Cass? It's like you're a different person!" I don't even know how to describe the revelation that night. "That night... I got whiplash... it was like one morning I woke up to a sweet, loving life and I heard a noise, turned around and she was suddenly inhabited by a vicious... hateful... demon. What the FUCK!?!?!" I shut up before I say any more... the recriminations are coming to the surface and Anne wouldn't be proud of my performance if I bring them up.

Quietly, "Damian. I'm still me."

I look at her incredulously.

"Okay... maybe things have changed. Maybe I've grown... or... well... diverged. Maybe I've awakened something that was always inside of me...?"

We start walking down the path again and Cass takes me on her journey of discovery. It hurts. The pains she felt... they hurt me too. The weirdness she felt... that hurt. It all hurts me and it hurts that it hurt for her. She actually can't explain, even now, how she had succumbed to Lily... she said it was like Lily found a back door to her psyche that she had never known was there and had never installed a gate. That sounded a lot more honest than the blackmail story. I kept quiet as she talked. I wanted to interrupt "what about this? what about that?" but I sensed it was deeply important to her to take me down her metaphorical life path at her pace as we strolled along the literal path at ours.

I admit to her that I, too, was like that with Lily. I didn't realize how much she'd manipulated me until I learned who she really was. At that moment, though, I am also admitting it to myself. Then I admit, guiltily, that I was probably easy to manipulate because some part of me may have wanted it: to catch up on all the things I'd missed when I was missing Cass too... Cass didn't say it, but I hope she was asking herself if that was true for her too.

She recounts her journey into the Lost and Found and gives me an inkling about what she found there. She had convinced herself that she found her inner power.

Anger rises and goads me to ask how many people she's fucked or fucked over to find that power, but I tamp it down. She doesn't go into too many details.

Then comes the lull which is an opening for questions about what's happening now.

"Who is Cynthia?"

Deer in the headlights. "Uuummm... you met her actually. Mistress Syn? At the club. That night."

"So... she's your Domme?" I'm proud that I can ask that question calmly like a knowledgeable, dispassionate adult.

"No, I'm hers, actually..."

I look at Cass dumbfounded. That wasn't the answer I expected.

"So... you're a lesbian?"

"Damian, it's not all about sex, but... yeah, I guess I'm bi. I didn't know it but Lily... damn... Lily unlocked something, if I have to be honest." She sighs "...and until this moment, I'm not sure if I've even been honest with myself."

"Damian, Syn is an amazing woman... she's strong, but deeply sad and vulnerable. She lost Harvey, her husband - her Dom - to a vicious cancer. And she is about to lose the club. The city is shutting it down. They've been gunning for the club for years, but... something brought it to a head. I'm even afraid that it may have accelerated because we talked to the judge... you know how people know people.

"She's tired of always being in control at the knife-edge and was just looking for someone to cede that control to... She says I'm the only person she's met since who she could trust to sub to and begged me to collar her. She's done with it all. She's just done. She's like a highly intelligent, knowledgeable child with the fragile heart of a fawn. And... I think she needs me... I know. I know she needs me. And I need to be needed."

Something in the back of my brain whispers to me, 'I need you.' It shocks me that it revealed itself.

Her tone perks up... "Honestly, Damian... I think you'd like her. When you first met her, she hated you as much as I did because she saw what you had done to me through my lens... but it wasn't really you, we both realize now. Well... you're not blameless" she scowls at me "... but... anyway. I think it would be healthy for you both to meet sometime and clear up a few demons." I am reminded of my tortured backside and wonder if I can deal with any more demons. She makes the face suggesting it's painful for her to say, but she continues: "It... it would be healthy for me."

"Do you love her?"

"Yes." Unequivocal. Oh, my god.

I'm numb. I've only barely recovered to the point where I can stick my dick inside someone and she's already moved on all the way to unequivocal love. Not fair.

"I hear that you have a young, tattooed pink-haired chunky love interest going on too... That doesn't sound at all like your type..." she smirks, obviously better-adjusted to the idea of me with someone than I am about her being with someone.

I am annoyed that she would call Tara "chunky" but realize she's never seen her so she's just parroting someone else. "She's not chunky. I guess Cara told you?"

"Cara and two other people. You're hard to miss - gorgeous man plus freaky chick."

I'm stunned that she called me "gorgeous." I stop walking for a second and I think she reads me intuitively "Yes, Damian... not only still gorgeous, but... wow! Don't think I haven't noticed that you've been to the gym!" She whistles. I think it's her peace offering to my tortured self-esteem.

"You look great too. Cass... what's with the piercing, anyway?"

She shrugs.

We walk along "No, Tara, the pink-haired girl, is not a love interest..." I struggle again with how to characterize my relationship with her, but Cassie beats me...

"Tara... Tara Danning?!?!" I nod. "Ohhh..." She takes a moment to digest and goes clinical on me. "I know a few therapists who've used her... you're in very good hands." I'm tempted to drop my pants, turn around and show her what, exactly, Tara's hands did last week, but restrain myself.

"Whhh... why do you need a sex surrogate, Damian?"

I give her that 'really?!?!' look and she drops her eyes "Oh, God. My Supergirl moment was really a super-ass moment, wasn't it?"

"Thanks. I'm glad you said it so I didn't have to. Cass, there was a time when I would've wanted to talk out my feelings with you, but I don't think I'm in a place to do it now." I take a breath and decide to let some of my vulnerability out. "Let's just say I'm ashamed of how hard I took it."

"Damian, my professional advice is not to recriminate yourself for your feelings. Feel your feelings... that's how to heal. Own them and work through them. I see... only now... what I did to you... I couldn't have done it more cruelly. I wanted to hurt you as much as I thought you'd hurt me. But I was so, so much worse." She's starting to tear up and takes a deep breath.

"I want to make it up to you somehow. Let's work through that, can we?"

I'm incredulous. Is this happening?

"Ummm... thanks, Cass. Hey uh... I forgive you... kinda. I guess even you... the strongest woman I've ever known, can be weakened by a sneak attack. I'm not, honestly, sure if I can ever forgive myself for opening this pandora's box in the first place. But... it's good that we had this talk. Really."

"It would be good, Damian, for the boys to see us in a heathier place... I mean us-us. And... and it would be good for us."

I feel like I need to make a peace offering too. "It really was spectacular, Cass. I mean... that night... wow... Spectacular." She smiles sheepishly.

I drive her to our home. Well.... to her home. She actually gives me a chaste hug as we part. I think she whispers something, but too quietly to hear and then she is gone.

Fuck. I want to trust her. Some part of me wants to salvage some form of our relationship from this wreckage. But I can't trust her.

As I drive into the waning light, I remember the final verse of a poem I had to write in high school...

And every sunset is the promise of a new sunrise.

--

I go work out at the gym. The hard-bodied blonde gymnast is there. I actually have a light, amicable chat with her and I think Tara is right... she's interested. But she backs off when she notices the ring on my finger.

Yeah, that. Why haven't I taken it off?

I go back to my apartment and crash.

Remarkably, I forget about the key to the gun safe. I don't think about needing it tonight.

--

"I was worried all weekend thinking about you, Damian. You rescheduled Friday's session and I was afraid we might've done damage with our... unconventional therapy."

"No, actually. I hate to say this but I think it did me some good. Forced me to confront crap I've been suppressing. It wasn't fun, mind you... well, most of it wasn't. But so much started to make sense to me... in... many areas."

She smiles "I'm relieved. But... remember, Damian - I have an afterhours answering service. Always, you can use it in a crisis. Please tell me you will, okay?"

"Okay, Anne. Look, I have so much to tell you. I don't know where to start..."

We talk about my "therapy." I'm still processing but she seems to feel delighted about where it took me. She explained that it was inspired by "primal scream" therapy, but she had hoped that it would both work like that and also satisfy some of my curiosity about the healthy BDSM lifestyles. My brain is scrambled. It was such an intense experience, but I do, I really do think it did me some good. And I confess with a little shame that I may have actually liked the submission part - there was something hot and dangerous and freeing about it. And it was really hot that it made Tara hot. Unless she was faking it.

"Damian... no one is that good an actor. She's very talented, empathetic and capable. And you are a very desirable man. Usually, I worry that the patient will have feelings when that therapy ends. I'm actually a little more worried this time for Tara, truth be told. I'm so glad it's you... you would never do anything to hurt her.

"But tread carefully... for both of your sakes. Care for her too.

"So. Tara has consented to submit to you next, for your experience on the other side of the dynamic. What do you think of that?"

"Uuum. What? Confused...? I have no idea what to do."

"Okay. Do you feel that your last experience with her was about sadism or love?"

"Empathy. Compassion. Caring. And, yeah, that's all about love, isn't it?"

"Then just figure out a way to love her back. You've probably figured out by now that she's more naturally submissive, but switches, like you," (like me?) "...as needed for the patient. If that's what he needs. If you liked pleasing her as a submissive, you'll love pleasing her as a Dom. Just respect her safe words and her emotional and physical safety... nothing in any way, risky. She's investing a lot of trust in you, but she believes you're a man who deserves that trust.

"Look out for her... she's a human being too.

"So, what do you do?" she shrugs "Honestly, I'm not personally into this... well, directly anyway... so I can't help a lot. Read some erotic literature for inspiration. Porn is not good inspiration - it's just snippets and doesn't represent the dynamic. First... a conversation with her to set the boundaries and understand what's 'good' for her... that goes a long, long way both to creating the scene and creating the trust. Discuss carefully, listen carefully. Keep her best interests in mind... even if they're not what you would necessarily think of as best interests.

"You might wonder why you never had that conversation with Tara before your submission, but you did... through me. We had that conversation in our sessions and I relayed it to Tara." She smirks "but I understand that she really tested your limits." I squirm in the chair, my ass still feeling like I'd sat on a hot grinding machine.

She leans forward, "I hope it was more exciting since you had no clue and no prep?"

I reluctantly nodded.

"So, then... I don't know... Tie her up. Tease her. Be gentle... don't do more than you think she really wants but explore her limits. But remember, a sub in subspace really wants to please their Dom, so she might go too far for her own good if she thinks you want it. It really is how she's built... You'll probably take her there... take her to subspace. It's a lot of responsibility. Help her feel good about herself. Do it right as an act of love. Even for sadists, the best ones are there to meet their masochists' needs.