All Comments on 'Dan and Twin Sis Dannie'

You have a great twin incest story. Dan and Dannie really develop their mutual love, and their discovery is great. Please give sexy Dan a bit of blond chest hair -- it will make him even more sexy and attractive to his sister! He should have a great blond bush around that gorgeous hard cock too!

This was mediocre. Your words of provocation were Jr high at best.

Shit that was awful. The dialogue was lower that Junior High. How old are you? 5? 8?

Please learn to write a lot better before inflicting anymore garbage like this on us. For your ignorant information it's "underwear" not under ware. Any 1st grader would know that.

1 totally wasted star too many

DragonRider55

I have never seen a sentence change from first to third person and back again all in one sentence.

I assume English is not you're first language as the people talk like robots. No contractions. Oh, and love tool? Really?

English is clearly the writer's second language. Great effort.

Perhaps you're ESL and it explains your dependence on "spill cheque" to give you the wright spelling and grammar , just ruins the flow and drives a lot of readers crazy. Me included.

Your line : "my under ware " what should it have been ?

The hymen is not a piñata.

The general idea, while it has been done many times, was ok. However you desperately need a editor's help. At first I considered just putting its underwear not under ware. But the list of grammatical, punctual, and other literary failings made it unreasonable to list individual faults

So much potential, but so much disappointment. I should have quit reading the first time I saw "under ware".

It was ok I guess, lots of grammar and spelling mistakes, and saying love tool instead of cock dick or penis got annoying after a while.

Dialogue was stiff and wooden. (For example: Nearly all people speak with contractions.) Too fond of adjectives and of repeating adjectives. The characters are also stiff and wooden---we (the readers) don't really know anything about them as people, but only as rather awkward sex machines The plot line is a tried-and-true one and can be developed well, but I'm afraid you did not develop it well. These are all skills that can be developed. Get advice; but the only way to learn how to write is to write!

Dialog was unrealistic.

Keep trying. You had good ideas.

Nothing too exotic just love between twins.

Will you continue

When I am with a Girl .. I do not use words Like Manhood and Love Handle . I Think this was written by a Girl... But The Characters I Liked .. Keep trying as this could have been a 2 part Story really easy ...

"under ware" - FAIL!!

Not just the above, but appalling dialogue, hopeless punctuation, bad grammar, etc, etc, etc. Bio says you were an engineer and technical writer - it shows.

Why did he use KY Jelly to get her lubed up for the very first time she was penetrated? It's called using your fucking tongue on her pussy. That's part of how you get a woman ready for intercourse. And as the others have said, the dialogue felt really strange. Nobody talks in the way that they talked. Good first attempt.

Are you a robot???!!!

I hope you continue

A beautiful love story.

That and pussy is slang for vulva or labia. Vagina is about as correct as calling a pussy a cervix. You can NOT kiss or lick a vagina. Who is the idiot that started calling a pussy a vagina. Is a penis called a urethra???

But couldn't get through all many uses of clinical terms. "I'm gonna insert my erect penis into your self-lubricated vagina." "Oh please use more force than you are currently using and increase your dept also." Going overbroad with my examples but that was basically the jest. Not sexy at all

English is defintly not you primary language. What did you sho, write it in Hindi and then run it through Google translate?

Had a very difficult time getting through it to the end. I almost stopped at the second under ware, and then the errors after that we're just more glaring to me. Find yourself a good editor and continue writing.

Did an AI write this

Meh.

Under 'ware'??

It's underwear pal...

Parts of this story were OK but overall I could only rate a 2 Stars