All Comments on '"Dan McNair and Miss Right"'

Had this story ended with Emily leaving Gary and lived with regret for leaving Dan, we would have had a sad tale that would have warranted a 5 from me. Instead, she goes back into an abusive relationship because the author apparently feels living with regret is not sufficient punishment. Now we're at a 4.5. Then the author, feeling that still more punishment is needed, has Emily locked in a basement. This has now dropped to a 4 for me. Then ... lest anyone feel sorry for Emily, it turns out she was the high school whore. This implies she was cheating on at least Gary, and possibly Dan as well, but somehow Dan was oblivious. I wound up giving it a 3, since it is well written. I've given this author a 5 on several of his stories, this isn't one of them.

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Firefox

Well, didn't do much to me. I understand that some details are necessary to flesh out the story and to add some development to the characters. But it was quite annoying to get these gory tidbits which did nothing to complete the picture. The ending seemed rushed. The twist that his dream girl was the highschool's most ridden mare didn't add any value either.

In the end: not bad, but not outstanding. Just plain average, hence 3*

Interested_reader

Better late than never ! Well written and good storyline ! A winner !

It's a good thing this author likes fives, since that's what I'm giving him for this little beauty of a story. So many commentators complain about carvohi being long-winded, but I disagree. His long stories are long because there's that much going on in them. But this 2-pager is worthy of any of the longer masterworks, such as the beloved (by me) "Once Upon A Time In Emmitsburg" from a few months back. It's not just that this guy is a fives machine - it's how powerful those fives are. Five to the fifth power, and then beyond. Across the universe. And props to who I consider our finest commentator (as well as a damn fine writer) - Legio_Patria_Nostra, who caught the "always let me have my way" comment. MC dodged a bullet. Emily may have been book smart, but turned out to be life stupid. Dan McNair turned out to be life smart, and not so book stupid in the long run.

As always a great story with the twist and turns of real life and plausible outcome. Love it and look forward to more of your work.

Thanks

You asked nicely for 5 glittery stars, so I gave them to you. :-)

*****

“”Em I'm afraid you're looking back at us the same way you looked back at Gary. I'm afraid I've become just another fantasy.””

This. This right here, took me nearly 20 years to learn. This little piece of dialogue, to me, made this story great.

Very good story. I think you checked all the blocks for a realistic story--once a cheater, always a cheater, and your hubby acted like most men probably would given the same circumstances.

Reality is always an eye opener. Take time to know someone. It seems to many marry the fantasy.

Sorry but need to comment as anonymous. Literotica has fucked up my registration and insists my gmail isnt mine. I like most of your stuff. There was something a little off about this one. A lack of connection or something. Calling her the class whore at the end doesnt improve the story, nor would it make me feel better if I was in his shoes. I think the story needed some pace and action. He should have walked into boyfriends house and had a scene. The result would have been an honest ending. It wouldnt have required a rushed reintroduction of the ugly duckling or the 3 kids bullshit. Just saying.

Thank you, good work!

Definitely a 5. Good story!

Never simp, gentlemen. This guy is monkey branching it from one "goddess" to another that treat him with disrespect right out of the gate.

Slam dunk my friend. Karma rules!

Thanks for writing!

Good story, not you best though. But I usually like your stories. Thanks for writing!

Very good tale. No wonder people think so highly of you and your story's. LP

Cute story. But not for five because the ending is so abrupt. You drove me around central PA for a while. the initial plot and characters are interesting but the ending just bothers me because I do not see it realistic though it has some poetry in it. The "college whore" would need some explanation as initially you described "Emily" as a lot nicer. Pinballing between two guys is not necessarily a "whore." So was there anything more to that?

If this has anything autobiographical in it then I have one advice. If you do not have a college education you should avoid women that do because you will always be a second rate to them. Also chasing the women way above yourself in looks will not end up good either.

That was a very engaging and well-told story. I liked it very much and got the deserved 5/5 from me!

Great story Carvohi. I enjoyed Dan’s bumpy journey to find the right one. Thanks for not having Dan order scrapple for that Pa breakfast. I came across that delicacy at Gettysburg, and it is not liver mush. I enjoyed it as written, but I miss your longer stories too.

You had a 5 until you made Emily the High School whore too. You had her decently burned and got greedy. 4*

The author needs to learn how to write a story instead of a summary, showing instead of telling.

A large part of this story was an extended summary.

For instance, never tell the reader that there's a conversation, always show it with written out dialogue. It's especially important in first person.

And when telling the reader what a character is doing, add in descriptive text showing the world he's doing it in.

The high school whore thing was ridiculous and a petty way to bash a character. Completely unnecessary.

Loved the story hope to see another one soon.

"I found out there's no such thing as that 'perfect person'. I found out what we should do is try to find someone who fits what we think we want and then work hard to make it go." What a lot of wisdom for two short sentences. Love is patient, love is kind, love is... a gamble and a lot of hard work. Marriage doubly so.

Nice one. Worth the fives.

It was well worth the time to read. Keep them coming

I liked it enjoyed the twist! No I did not see it coming! I probably should have seen it but I guess I am not smart😜. I was just rolling along reading enjoying the written word creating a movie in my mind! Met my criteria of enjoyable reading time and a good story!

As please keep writing and I will keep reading!

Seems incomplete. No real closure with Emily.

I've got a big smile and a tear that's promising to slide down my cheek. But men don't cry, do they. Good stories always leave you wanting more of what's good. This story was good.

True to life, maybe. Things are always better in our memory.

Love the Happy endings you write and the character development you do in such a compact style. Your Stories are just the best length and you follow up with enough information that they are tied in a little bow and are just perfect.

Thank you for your effort.

I loved the story and gave it 5 stars. Dan found Miss Right in the end. He was so right about Emily. She got who she deserved. If he took her back in, she would have drifted to Gary again in no time. She apparently was a whore in high school according to Dan's new wife. No wonder Gary does not trust her. And Gary of the ATF - so many of those military guys mistreat their women and treat them like dirt. I do not get why they do it but he fits the bill of so many guys i met in the military and in police forces. The divorce rate for policemen is about 70%. He is so lucky he did not have any children with Emily. Very thought provoking story.

Pretty pathetic. We learn Emily was the "high school whore" and everyone knew it except for beta-boy. Then he gets all weepy when he finds out he was a rebound sucker. SMH

What a load of shit.

very good. like all the thoughts and feel sorry for Emily and will look for her at the battered spouse hospital.

Good story. Kept me interested til the end. Could have done a little burning but sometimes it’s better to take your loss and go on. Tanks. 5/5

I dooo like this one, it's an "alls well that ends well" kind of story that leaves you feeling good - no bile in your throat! I think a 5 fits this little tale ......

I almost always like this author's stories. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.

Everyone likes it cause it is how they are....

Like a Dog..chasing a Car.

Knowing he won't catch it. But still Running.

Just Pathetic.

Men are Morons and Stupid.

All about just Women and Pussy.

Really enjoyed this one. A nice twist or two that I didn’t see coming.

good story hank you {:O)

Like a tennis match.

Back and forth but only lobs.

Ok I guess?

So 2.5 stars

The author is talented in weaving a narrative that the serendipity is as enjoyable as the conclusion.

5 Stars on this Story . Sadly I also married the school pump . But at least I was smart enough to get a Divorce from her . They say that marriage is grand and Divorce a 100 grand . My Divorce was closer to 150 grand but worth every penny , She also got the house and her Car . I wish someone had told Me I was with the school Pump .

What a perfect piece of information: "I found out there's no such thing as that 'perfect person'. I found out what we should do is try to find someone who fits what we think we want and then work hard to make it go." They should teach this in high school. Thanks for the philosophy.

Ed

Cute, excellent little tale

If I was American I would be seriously pissed about the fact so many American Men are depicted as total and complete Dumbasses. Unless their being treated as total and complete Cuckolds.

Well done. Imperfect characters intermingled in this near-perfect little story. 5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️s

On most occasions, this author puts out some pretty good product. But in this case I'd say that this is.."a hot mess" is about the best I can do. I hate being negative with another submitter, but none of the characters were true to their original description, and the setup for their resurrection or destruction was not there. In short, I didn't know that was happening with anyone because I didn't know them as characters. No one did what was expected including the lead.

Read it again and story was still 5*. I write this only because I noticed all the comments from people complaining that protagonist was a cuck, or the last one that characters were not true to themselves. I wonder if those commentators had actually read the story. Dan did not take the stupid whore back, and I did not see any evidence that anyone changed. Dan was consistent. Emily looked only to what was right for her, and chose to stay with Gary because better the devil you know than taking a chance with Dan -- but this was Emily all the time.

Emily had serious issues. She was being abused by Gary and continued back into that pattern. Dan had been a healthy change for her but Gary somehow exerted control over her and maybe she was a closet submissive that fell under his sway. Sounds like she ended up in a horrible marriage. Ughh. At least the MC found happiness.

3 stars and no analysis

Well written well constructed and entertaining, I will now try to read all your submissions

That turned out well done!

Femdom agitprop- Is that why I read these?!

"You just don't understand ... Once the divorce became final, she and Gary got married." - Sounds like he understood perfectly.

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"He's accused me of cheating on him." - She cheated with you, she'll cheat on you.

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"I knew I'd made a mistake almost right away. Even before I married him, I knew. I was so wrong." - So,why go through with the wedding?

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Interesting that Emily never even TRIED to leave Gary.

As always, another great story.

I am still reading this author's stories. So far, this is the first story where the couple didn't reconcile. Phew...

Five it is. With all the Seals and Deltas and lawyers running around LW, it is a distinct pleasure to read about a regular guy. Thank you.

The high school whore comment could have used a little explanation. He was totally smitten over her but had no idea of her reputation? Seems unlikely.

Not quite a five but I gave you one anyway. Finding the right girl, man or woman sort of goes like this: "Did you hear about the guy that was looking for the perfect gal? Well, finally found her, problem was she was looking for the perfect guy!"

Life goes on just as your story goes, some good, some bad and lots of in between and before you now it, life's almost over, oh well. It was a good story though, right guy, wrong girl but Like I said it all works out in the end. Keep writing.....................

Wasn't sure when it started, but glad I stayed with it. 5 stars, the Bear loved it. Happy endings rule. Sometimes, it just takes a while, and a little (or a LOT) of pain. But in the end, Karma fixes just about everything. Good read.

The BEAR

Thought this was headed into RAAC territory but you pulled it out of the fire, nicely done.

Wellll, that was a squirrelly story. Entertaining though.

Emily had mental issues thar made her susceptible to her toxic relationship with Gary the controlling Dom and abuser. Not sure we ever saw evidence of Emily being the high school whore beyond Red's testimony. Maybe Gary pushed her into sexing others in school? But that doesn't fit his constant jealousy later. Oh well happy end. Dan landed on her feet. Emily is secretly living a very sh@tty life. Sad.

5*

Gentle read. Enjoyed Dan's wisdom.

A really really good story. Thanks

Great story. Hope you continue to write them. And I am also glad you finally found your woman.

Pseuydonym....Jim

Love your works.. thank you

A pretty good tale, set in PA, too! Enjoyable reading. Five stars.

JPB NOT BOB

Works hard, family oriented, monogamous. (If not the first time, then try, try again..) Everyone gets what they want?

Not what I expected, but I loved it. One of the best I've ever read.