Dana's Story Ch. 13-15

Can't, she typed. Studying to do. Tomorrow. She hit SEND.

The response came very quickly. OK. See you tomorrow. Night.

Dana sat back, blowing out a breath. That was quick. He didn't seem too broken up about not seeing her tonight. Was that a good sign, or a bad one? And why was she disappointed?

She shook her head, though she was less successful at shaking off her worries. Still, her response wasn't really a lie. She did need to study. She watched her phone for a moment, waiting to see if any other texts arrived. When they didn't, she resumed studying.

* * *

Dana approached Darren's door with growing trepidation. The hallway was mostly deserted. The door of one room stood open. As she passed it, Dana recognized one of Darren's—and Randy's—neighbors sitting on his bed toying with his phone. He glanced up, then raised a hand in greeting.

Dana returned the wave with a weak smile as she passed. She didn't remember his name, though she knew she'd met him. He was one of the guys who'd visited Randy's room while she was there. So he knew she'd slept with Randy, and probably knew about Darren too. The thought that had been so exciting at the time was simply embarrassing now.

She stopped at Darren's door, but didn't knock immediately. She touched her cheeks, wondering if they were flushed. Motion to her right caught her attention: the guy she'd seen was standing in the open doorway of his room now, watching her. He acknowledged her look with a nod, then retreated out of sight.

Dana stared at the empty doorway for a moment wondering what that was about. Then she dismissed it and knocked on the door.

"Come in," Darren called.

Dana entered the lion's den, wondering what awaited her.

Darren lay stretched out on his bed, a paperback novel in one hand. He looked up and saw Dana standing in the doorway. He put the book down and sat up. Dana's stomach knotted at the lack of expression on his face. He didn't smile in welcome. He didn't look angry, either. He was just—neutral.

"Dana," he said.

"Hey," Dana replied. She moved into the room and closed the door behind her. "How was your trip home?"

"Fine."

The knot in Dana's belly tightened. He was acting weird. "Just fine?"

Darren shrugged, then smiled. "It was home. What can I say?"

Dana offered a feeble smile of her own, her anxiety easing a bit. "That's good, I guess." She didn't want to ask too many questions about his weekend because then he would ask about hers, and she really didn't want to get into that.

Darren rose from his bed and walked over to take her in his arms. "It's good to see you," he said, and kissed her. "I missed you."

"Me too," Dana said, when their lips parted. She wrapped her arms around him, leaning back to look up at him.

"Did you?"

"What?" Dana stared up at him, her pulse thundering abruptly. His smile had vanished again. His expression was hard, eyes narrowed, lips thin, skin flushed.

"Did you? Miss me?"

Dana's voice failed her, as it so often did under pressure. She looked back at him, wordlessly. The silence stretched painfully taut between them, growing worse every moment as she struggled and failed to find some words to break it.

Darren's arms tightened around her, pulling her closer. "I'm told you missed me so much," his voice cracked as he spoke those words, "that you fucked Randy. Is that true?"

Dana stared at him, shocked by the anger in his demeanor. Frightened by it. His flush had faded. Now he looked pale, pale and angry. She struggled to pull away, abruptly aware of the size differential between them. Taller, heavier, stronger—Darren could hurt her if he wanted to.

When Darren released her, she took a step back on shaky legs, weak with relief. Her hands felt cold, and anxiety knotted things in her belly. She couldn't take her eyes off of him, afraid of him in a way she'd never been before.

"Well?" Darren demanded. "Is it true?"

Dana stood mute, her voice failing her once more, face burning. She would have looked away, ashamed of her behavior, but she was afraid to take her eyes off of him. She'd never seen him angry before, much less angry at her.

"You did," Darren said. "Didn't you?"

Dana wanted to explain. Wanted to justify herself. But the words wouldn't come. Once again she stood silently, mind awhirl with possible responses, but unable to put any of them into words.

Darren took her silence as confirmation. "Shit."

He raised a fist as if he wanted to punch something—or someone. Dana bumped into the door behind her as she backed away, her heart in her throat. He closed his eyes, his pallor fading as he struggled against his anger for a long moment before he sighed heavily and thumped his fist against his thigh.

When he looked at her again, the anger had drained from his face. Now he just looked—sad. "Why?"

Because you weren't here. Because I was horny. Because Randy was available. Because I'm a slut. Dana stared at Darren, wanting to answer, wanting to make things okay between them again. Nothing she imagined saying to him was going to accomplish that. Nothing she could say could change what she'd done.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Even she could barely hear the words.

"What?"

"I'm sorry," Dana repeated, barely louder. She felt like shit. She'd known at the time that sleeping with Randy was wrong. Whether they'd talked about it or not, sleeping with Darren had come with certain expectations. First among them, that she wouldn't sleep with anyone else. She'd known that, but she'd rationalized it away. Darren wasn't available, but Randy had been. So she'd convinced herself it was okay to fuck him.

Darren closed his eyes. When he opened them again they glistened. Was he crying? Dana "I didn't ask if you were sorry. I asked why."

"Because...." Because I'm a slut. It was true, but she couldn't bring herself to say it aloud. She stared at Darren, hating that she'd hurt him. Hating herself for hurting him. For being such a slut.

"Because?" Darren prompted her. His eyes gleamed, filled with unshed tears. He stood motionless, his whole body tense.

Dana shook her head, eyes downcast. "I don't know," she said, knowing she was lying as she said it. She knew exactly why, and hated herself for it.

The silence stretched between them, growing more strained with every passing second. Dana felt sick to her stomach, shame and embarrassment combining to nauseating effect.

Darren raised a hand to swipe at his eyes, drawing her gaze. He stood a bit straighter, and the tension in his posture was gone. His face was blank again, neither angry nor hurt. Just...neutral. Somehow that seemed worse.

"We never talked about whether we were a couple," he said. "Never actually talked about what we expected of one another."

He spoke conversationally, as if discussing the weather, his voice as neutral as his expression. Dana shook her head slightly. "No."

Darren drew a deep breath. "I thought it was understood."

Dana said nothing.

"I was wrong," Darren said. "Next time I'll know better."

His words fell like physical blows. Dana cringed, hating herself for what she'd done, for hurting Darren so badly. For he was hurt, and it was entirely her fault. She'd been so selfish, so filled with lust that she'd ignored her conscience and convinced herself that doing what she wanted in the moment was acceptable.

She'd convinced herself that Darren wouldn't know, or if he knew, that he wouldn't mind. She'd been stupid and selfish. She'd been so obsessed with her own pleasure that she'd hurt Darren, hurt a good man who'd never been anything but kind to her. A man who had expected that she'd treat him with equal kindness. Instead, she'd fallen into bed with someone else the very first time he wasn't available to satisfy her selfish desires.

She was exactly the slut her mother had worried that she would become. She'd let herself succumb to temptation, she'd had sex and she'd liked it. Liked it so much that she was willing to lie to herself to get it. Liked it enough to ignore Darren's feelings, to fuck his neighbor and to do it so blatantly that there was no way Darren wouldn't find out.

Dana hated herself for what she'd done. She wiped at her cheeks, only now realizing that she was crying. She ached for the pain she'd caused Darren. She wished she could take back her actions, could make it not have been. Her mother's voice filled her thoughts, echoes of the many times she'd wept bitterly when lectured about her most recent transgression and the pain she caused for a sibling, or a friend, or her mother. Crocodile tears, her mother always called them.

She wasn't sorry for what she'd done, according to her mother. She was only sorry that she'd been caught and punished. When she'd cried even harder, hurt by that accusation, her mother invariably withdrew, leaving her to her misery. It would be hours, sometimes days, before she again felt any warmth from her mother—

"Dana?" Darren's voice interrupted her thoughts.

Dana looked up, wiping her cheeks again. By his tone, it wasn't the first time he'd called her name. His mouth was a thin line, an expression that looked eerily familiar despite her never having seen it on him before. It was one her mother had often worn.

"Dana, I think you should go now," he said when he knew he had her attention again. His eyes had a pinched look that Dana recognized. He wasn't crying, but only because he was holding back the tears.

Dana nodded, one hand covering her mouth to stifle a sob she felt rising. "I'm really sorry," she said.

"I don't really care," Darren replied. "Please, just go."

Dana turned, fumbled at the knob for a moment, then fled the room. The hallway was still mercifully empty. As Dana passed an open door, someone inside asked, "Are you all right?"

Dana's stride stuttered. She wanted nothing more than to escape, but her first instinctive response was to stop and respond. No. She resumed moving. "I'm fine," she said, though she was certain the speaker could tell that she was not, in fact, fine at all.

She glanced back once when she reached the stairwell door. The same student who'd seen her arrive stood silently watching from his doorway. He raised a hand in a silent wave. Dana turned away and escaped into the stairwell.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Dana was alone in her room. Zoe was out, thank god. She was a good friend, but Dana didn't need a witness while she huddled on her bed crying. When her tears finally dried up, Dana sat up, exhausted and head-achy but calmer and clear-headed. She blew her nose, then forced herself onto her feet to wash her face in the bathroom.

It was past dinner time. The Commons would be closed by now—but she wasn't really hungry anyhow. She dithered, uncertain how to fill the hours until bedtime. She was in no mood to study, nor to read or watch a movie on her laptop. Zoe might return to the room any minute with a guy in tow, and she really wasn't in the mood to deal with that.

Dana checked her phone. No more texts from Darren, not that she expected to get any more from him. Nothing from Randy, either. She didn't know if that was a good or a bad sign. She sighed. She didn't know if she wanted to get texts from Randy. If he texted, it would be because he wanted sex. And if she never had sex again, that would be—well, unfortunate.

Swearing off sex seemed like a good idea now. She was upset and hurt, ashamed of her behavior and feeling guilty over her treatment of Darren. But Dana knew herself well enough to know that wouldn't last. Give her a couple of days and she'd be horny again. Zoe's influence had unleashed a side of her she'd never imagined existed.

Until she'd met Zoe, she'd considered sex overrated. She'd occasionally masturbated to relieve the pressure, but it had been a low priority. Now, though? After seeing Zoe enjoy it so much, and after her own experiences? She was a changed woman. She thought about sex all the time, and wanted it pretty much all the time too.

As evidenced by how quickly she'd cheated on Darren. The memory of his face erased her smile. No, she was too knotted up tonight to be interested. But that would change. She knew it would. If Randy was still interested, Dana knew she'd sleep with him again. Just not tonight.

Tonight she still need something to occupy her. Something to take her mind off of her problems. And as she scrolled through her phone, she found just the thing. When the semester started, she'd found a group of role-players and joined their game. She'd been a regular until she started spending her free time with Darren—or Randy.

She'd fallen away from the group. But they still invited her to game with them, and she had a text about a session tonight. They'd been playing for a couple of hours already, but she knew they'd be at it for hours more.

Dana stood staring at her phone, at the text. Yeah. Losing herself for a few hours in a space adventure seemed like a great idea. She grabbed a notebook and a pen and left the room.

* * *

An hour later Dana was fighting for her life. "I'll leap past the doorway, shooting down the corridor at the guy with the laser rifle!"

"Roll to hit," Kevin told her. He was seated at one of the two desks in the dorm room where they played, acting as GM for the game. Books and papers were scattered across the desk.

Dana sat tailor-fashion on one of the beds, a clipboard holding her character sheet on her lap. She rolled her dice on it. "Seven," she announced.

"You hit," Kevin announced, to cheers from the other players. "Roll damage."

Dana grinned, pleased by her success—and by the feeling of companionship she got from her fellow gamers. She'd been greeted enthusiastically when she knocked at the door and entered the room. She'd been absent from the game quite a bit lately but they were glad to have her back. It was a good feeling.

She borrowed more dice from Eric, who shared the bed with her. She rolled well, and Kevin narrated the grisly end of the man she'd killed. Eric held up a hand and Dana high-fived him. Across the room, the other three players gave her approving looks or thumbs up.

The game continued. The battle ended with Dana's character and her allies victorious. They continued their travels until the next threat arose. Dana played her part in the battle and otherwise leaned back against the wall observing as other players took their turns. Besides Kevin and Eric, there were two other guys: Nick and Dave, sitting opposite Dana and Eric on the other bed. The only other girl in the room was Leanne, who sat at the second desk. All of them were sophomores, a year ahead of Dana.

Kevin always ran the game. He clearly preferred that to playing in one. Eric played cautiously, often questioning Kevin extensively before making a decision on his turn. Nick was always ready when his turn came around, and more often than not had a surprising and clever plan in mind. Dave was simply a madman, with a berserker's attitude toward combat. His characters died fairly often, and he always had another ready to go immediately.

And Leanne...seemed lost a lot of the time, uncertain of what was happening in the game, and willing to take suggestions from the other players on what to do when her turn came around. Dana wasn't sure she even really liked role-playing games. She was dating Kevin, and seemed to play just to hang around with him.

None of this was new. Dana had identified the other players' approach to the game after the first few sessions. No, what was new was her awareness of them in physical terms, in her assessment of them as potential playmates. When she'd found this group of gamers, she'd only cared about whether they were a good fit for how she liked to play. The possibility of dating any of them hadn't even entered her mind.

Now? Now she couldn't not assess them that way.

Kevin was slightly overweight, soft, and had black hair so dark that a permanent five o'clock shadow was always visible thru his pale skin. Not that it mattered, since he was dating Lianne, who was nearly as pale as he was, but with curly brown hair and oversized eyeglasses. Eric was also a bit heavy, with curly brown hair and perpetually in need of a shave.

Nick was skinny as a rail with thick brown hair, brown eyes, and a goatee. And glasses. Not bad looking, but he didn't stand out either. Dave, though—Dave was very easy on the eyes. Neither skinny nor especially muscular, he definitely looked like an active fellow. He had short, curly dark hair and a mustache, as well as blue eyes. Definitely the most promising of the bunch.

Dana noticed him looking back at her and averted her gaze, looking down at the papers in her lap. She didn't want to draw his attention. She didn't want to be sizing them all up as potential playmates, either, but here she was doing just that.

She'd changed. She wasn't sure of exactly when, but she had.

Not more than two hours ago she'd been exiled from Darren's presence for cheating on him, had considered swearing off sex for a time—and now here she was mentally auditioning every man in sight. As if Randy wasn't enough. Or maybe because he wasn't here and these guys were. She'd thought Zoe was sex-obsessed when she first discovered how quickly she jumped into bed with a guy, and how frequently it happened.

How was she any different now?

Answer: she wasn't. She'd progressed from unwitting witness to Zoe's sex life to active participant in Zoe's exhibitionist kink to sleeping with Darren in a very short time. She'd also fallen into bed with Randy in even less time because Randy was there and Darren wasn't and she apparently couldn't keep it in her pants.

"Dana?"

Dana blinked and looked up at Kevin. "What?"

Kevin described the situation. Clearly she'd missed it the first time while lost in her thoughts. "I'll, uh, shoot at the guys attacking Dave's character."

The battle was bloody, but brief. Dave's character was still alive, though just barely. "Thanks for the help," Dave said to Dana. "If you hadn't taken out two of those guys, I'd be toast."

"Sure," she replied.

"Maybe try some subtlety next time," Eric suggested.

"Nah," Dave said. "Too safe, too sane. That's what backup is for. Right, Dana?" he added with a wink.

He'd winked at her. What did that mean? Had he ever done it before? Not that Dana could remember. "Right," she said, just to say something.

The game continued a little longer, but there was more cross-talk and less action. Leanne announced the time and said she needed to go. Kevin quickly wrapped up the session and everyone began putting their things away. The game took place in Kevin and Eric's dorm room, so they didn't have to go anywhere.

Dana filed out with Nick, Leanne, and Dave. Leanne lived in the next dorm over. Nick was across campus and took off with a final wave to everyone. That left Dana standing outside the dorm with Dave.

Dave said, "Can I walk you home?"

It took Dana by surprise. Usually they all just split up after the game. "You don't have to do that."

"I know. I want to."

"Okay." Dana wasn't sure what else to say, so she said nothing. They walked together silently for a couple of minutes. Dave seemed to thinking hard about something. Was he trying to work up the nerve to ask her on a date? Did she want him to?

"You seem different," Dave said at last. It was not what she'd expected.

"I do?"

Dave nodded. "You're different than you were when you started gaming with us."

"Well, yeah," Dana said. "I'm shy around new people. I don't talk a lot. But I know you guys now."

"No," Dave said, shaking his head slowly. "No, that's not it."

"What, then?"

They walked another few steps before Dave stopped abruptly. Dana halted as well. Dave said, "You're dressing different, for one thing."