Danny and Elise Ch. 15

The doorbell rang. It was only 9:50 in the morning. Elise wasn't expecting Lorraine until 10:30. Besides, she never used the doorbell. Elise quickly dried her hands off, in the middle of washing breakfast dishes, and walked quickly through the living room.

"You stay put, missy," she quickly rubbed Kate's head in passing. It was a Monday. The boys were at school. Danny had only been gone for two weeks to the day.

Elise looked through the peephole and her heart stopped. She reluctantly unlocked the door and greeted the trio of gentlemen standing on her porch.

"Hello. Can I help you?" The bile in her stomach was rising.

"Are you Mrs.Elise Mortenson? Wife of Daniel Stephen Mortenson?" one of the suits asked. He looked to be the one "in charge", a tall, older gentleman with close-cropped gray hair and a military service uniform covered in various honors. He reminded her of Harold, Danny's father. Before he got sick, anyways.

"Yes," she drew out slowly. She had a bad feeling.

"I'm Sgt.McAfee. This is Private Ramos and Father Kirklin. May we come in?"

"Am I allowed to say 'no'?" Elise had watched enough movies that she already knew what was happening, but part of her brain was still fighting it, refusing to believe.

"Please, Mrs.Mortenson," Sgt.McAfee asked again, friendly enough. There was a surprising gentleness to his voice. Elise begrudgingly stepped aside and let the men in.

"And who do we have here?" Father Kirklin asked as they stepped inside.

"This is Kate," Elise answered as she picked her daughter up. Something compelled her to. Some notion it would soften the blow somehow that she knew in her gut she was about to receive. She sat on the couch before they even had a chance to ask, but she did not invite them to do the same. Elise desperately wanted them gone, never in her house to begin with.

"Mrs.Mortenson, I'm afraid we have some bad news," the sergeant started.

"You don't say," Elise scoffed. "Why else would you be here?" Her cheeks felt hot, pressure was already building behind her eyes.

"Please, Mrs.Mortenson. Your husband's squad was ambushed last night. By a local militia from a village they, and other squads, had been trying to make alliances with, friends, if you will. We're not sure if it was a small group of rebels or if the townspeople were just trying to fool them all along, but we're working on finding out," he paused, letting this information sink in.

"As I mentioned, Daniel's squad was ambushed in the night. Being caught off guard like that...There were only a few survivors and the ones who did make it are in bad shape."

For a brief second, Elise held onto the hope that Danny might be one of the few who remained alive after the attack.

"With a heavy heart, I regret to inform you that Daniel did not survive," Sgt.McAfee paused again, waiting for her reaction.

"His name is Danny," Elise corrected through gritted teeth. "Stop all this cloak and dagger shit with his full name," it felt like magma was boiling up inside of her and it wasn't just the foul bile that still seemed to be working it's way up slowly either.

"And how can you be sitting here telling me he's dead? He just left two weeks ago. Two weeks! He said he probably wouldn't even be close to the action. His words, not mine. I mean, he's in the National Guard, for God's sake! He shouldn't have even been over there!" Her face was on fire now.

"Ma'am, in all due respect, times are different now. This war with China...Things are changing, all the time. I can assure you, regardless of branch, your husband's death..."

"Stop," Elise held a hand up, interrupting the sergeant. "Don't give me that rote, 'your husband died valiantly fighting for his country' bullshit. No!" she pointed. She felt as if she were scolding a dog who had pissed all over the floor.

"He died in the middle of the night, in a foreign land, assumingly unarmed, by people he thought were his friends!" Elise shook her head, pushing her thumb and forefinger into the corners of her eyes.

"Get out," she spoke surprisingly calmly, pointing at the door.

"Mrs.Mortenson, there's still the matter of the body to..."

"Get out!" she screamed, scaring Kate and making her cry in the process. Elise hugged her close, rocking her, and spoke soothingly next to her ear.

"Ssshh. It's ok. I'm sorry. It's ok. Mommy didn't mean to scare you. I'm not mad at you, sweetie," her tears fell on her daughter's dark blonde hair. She wondered why the men made no move to leave the way they had came. She had made herself more than clear. Elise noticed the sergeant and private whispering, McAfee nodding in agreement to whatever was being said.

"Ma'am," Ramos spoke. "We'll gladly wait outside, but we aren't supposed to leave until a friend or family member comes to stay with you for a while."

They were still trying to level with her, taking a different approach by letting the private speak instead.

"Fine, fine," she waved a hand. Then it occurred to her.

"Have you contacted Danny's mother yet? Lorraine?"

"No, ma'am," Ramos spoke again. "Standard procedure. We notify spouses first."

He was losing points with her again with his cold detachment.

"Well, great!" Elise said facetiously. "Y'all can kill two birds with one stone because she'll be here any time! Should I call her and ask her to come over sooner? So you can deliver the bad news to her and be on your merry way? She's the only one I've got around here anyway, so how convenient! Oh. Aside from our two boys who are at school right now," she scowled at Ramos and McAfee. She couldn't bring herself to stare down Father Kirklin. She may not be religious, but literally all of her ancestors would probably roll over in their graves if she brought this poor, innocent bystander under her wrath.

"We'll wait outside, ma'am," Ramos said as they all finally let themselves out her front door.

Elise knew she should call Lorraine, warn her of the unexpected onslaught that awaited her. Her mother-in-law would expect the worse no matter what she told her over the phone, not about to lie to the woman who had given birth to her beloved husband. Instead, she found herself still rocking Kate, lost in a daze, trying her damnedest to get her shit under control again. She felt surprisingly numb.

A knock came at the door again, jarring her away from her thoughts. How long had she been sitting there in a stupor? Kate had gone back to playing with her toys on the floor. Elise hadn't even noticed. She looked at her phone. 10:25am.

"Elise?" Lorraine poked her head in the door before entering.

"Is this what I think it is?" she asked, eyes already watery, her normally jovial features clouded with worry.

Elise simply nodded.

"Oh, Elise," her mother-in-law hurried over to her, hugging her tight. She returned the embrace, but still felt nothing. That's what scared her the most.

"Mrs.Moetenson, Lorraine," the suits had followed her in. "We regret to inform you that your son, Daniel, was killed..."

"Look," Elise held her hand up again. "I understand that you're just doing your job, but this is still my house. Spare me all the details again," she went to the front door and slammed it behind her once she was outside. She dug around in her jacket pocket and found it: The pack of cigarettes she had bought the week Danny had left. She hadn't smoked in years, but by God, she needed something. The worst part was that she didn't even feel all that ashamed. Elise lit one up and exhaled deeply.

Her mind wandered, waiting for the evil bastard to finally leave for good. She thought of the most recent trip they had taken to Yosemite. Danny telling scary stories to the boys around the campfire. She felt a smile curling on her lips. They had gone on many trips over the years, but that one had been the trip of a lifetime. Elise was glad she had let Danny talk her into going when they did instead of waiting till the kids were older. They had a great time. Hell, it had been 4 months since they went and the boys, especially Stephen, still brought up random memories from it.

She remembered another time, when the boys were just little, maybe 4 and 6, when they had camped near the Canadian Rockies in Alberta. The look on the boys' faces seeing the mountains, how much fun they had lying across the mirror-like lakes, how alive Danny had seemed...

Alive. That one little word brought her back to reality. Something her husband would never be, ever again. It taunted her. She fought back another wave of tears, realizing she had left her young daughter inside the house, seemingly unattended. Elise secretly hoped that she had crawled up into Lorraine's lap, making "Meme" feel better, as the bad news was delivered to her.

Shit. She suddenly felt like a heel for leaving her mother in-law alone in there, as she had been, to learn of Danny's death. Selfish, she thought as she swung the door open, almost hitting Father Kirklin in the nose.

"I'm sorry," she apologized.

"It's ok, dear. Listen," he let the other two file out first. "I don't know what your religious views are and quite frankly, they don't matter. But if you ever feel like talking, we have a wonderful support group at the church for those who have lost someone close to them," he handed her a card. "I'm happy to talk any time too," he smiled at her, a sadness in his eyes, as he patted her hand upon leaving too.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief she hadn't realized she had been holding in as she leaned against the door, not about to let anyone back in.

"What a nightmare, huh?" was all she could think to say, eyes shut.

"Elise..." her mother in-law's voice came to her softly.

She held up her hand, but didn't open her eyes.

"I'm sorry I made you go through that alone. It was selfish of me. I wasn't thinking."

"Elise..."

She pushed her hand forward for emphasis.

"I'm sorry I left Kate in here with you too. Again, selfish."

"Elise," she finally let Lorraine talk. "I don't expect you to be thinking straight right now. I barely am. But would you shut up and come sit down?"

Elise finally opened her eyes to see Lorraine patting the couch next to her and found that Kate had crawled up into her lap after all.

She sighed, feeling resigned and very, very tired all of a sudden.

Elise finally broke down for good after the uniformed men left and it was just her and Lorraine. She felt bad afterwards for being such a mess when her mother in-law was likely all messed up inside too, but she couldn't help herself. She hadn't kept in touch much with old friends over the years and her parents, although both still alive and fairly well, still lived over 2 hours away. Lorraine was the closest thing to a friend and confidant she had aside from Danny.

Blessedly, Lorraine had stayed with her until the boys got home from school to share the burden of breaking the news to them. They both acted similarly to how they had reacted when first getting the news of Danny being deployed. Parker ran upstairs to his room. Stephen started crying right away once it really sank in after a few minutes that he would never see his daddy alive again.

The next few days of making funeral arrangements were hell. Since they had his dental records, they didn't actually need her to identify his body as they would normally. Elise still insisted on seeing him at the funeral home before they "fixed him up". The mortician urged her not to. She had yelled at him too. She seemed to be doing that a lot over the past three days.

Danny had been shot in the head above his left eye. The mortician had placed a sheet over the head wound before allowing her to see him, thank God. Danny looked normal. Eerily normal, as if he were just sleeping. Even his mouth hung open a little.

"Can I have a minute alone?" she asked the mortician. "No funny, business. Promise."

The man simply nodded and left the room.

Elise stood silent, staring at him for several minutes. The words that came out of her mouth next surprised even her.

"God damn it, Danny. I told you not to go. But you wouldn't listen to me," her words weren't filled with sorrow or regret as she expected. Instead anger and resentment bubbled up within her.

"You just had to stay in for your father, didn't you? 25 years wasn't long enough? Christ, Danny, that was over half of your life! And for what? To die too soon somewhere halfway across the world. Leaving your wife and kids behind." Elise took a deep breath, hoping to calm down, but it didn't help. She continued on her tirade to her dead husband.

"What are we supposed to do, Danny? How the hell am I supposed to raise three kids by myself, you selfish son of a bitch!" she felt like punching him as tears blurred her vision. This was not how she envisioned this going, but she couldn't stop.

"You weren't supposed to die at 45 years old," Elise choked on the words. She couldn't go on. She felt sick, talking to Danny in such a way. She didn't know what was wrong with her. She hadn't been able to keep her last promise to him after all: She was still mad at him.

Elise felt numb throughout the viewing. She had to to be able to function, to be there for the kids. There was no other way. She turned herself over to auto-pilot, shaking hands with people she had never met, somberly accepting their condolences. Elise hated every minute of it.

The funeral, not surprisingly, was even worse. She and Lorraine had opted for a closed casket ceremony because of the nature of Danny's death. It killed her that their kids wouldn't even see their father in person one last time. She had contemplated letting them see him before the service, privately in the back, but knew little Kate would just wonder why daddy was sleeping and not waking up and Stephen would probably be traumatized as sensitive as he was. Parker was old enough, though.

Elise discreetly took Parker, leaving the other two children with her own mother and father, to see his father one more time before the service. He was old enough that he would need the closure. Elise knew he would resent her the rest of his life if she didn't allow him this opportunity. She knew Danny loved all of their kids equally, but he and Parker had a special bond. They had always been buddies.

She watched as her oldest son walked slowly toward the coffin. Elise could feel his apprehension.

"You don't have to do this, son," she spoke gently, standing near the door to give him some space.

"Yes, I do, mom," he replied without looking back at her.

"I know you do," her voice came out as a whisper. The tough exterior she had put on over the last few days was quickly crumbling. Tears stung her eyes as she watched her son, pausing, trying to work up the nerve before finally stepping in view of his father lying in the casket.

Parker didn't speak. Out loud, anyways. Elise wasn't surprised. He was probably saying things in his head he wished he could tell his dad, not wanting her to overhear. She was surprised by the tenderness in his voice when he said, "I love you, dad," before reluctantly walking away. Elise grabbed their son and hugged him tight, breaking down into the kind of sobbing fit that makes you gasp for air. Once she and Parker had both regained their composure to a degree, she sent him off to find his grandparents, having some unfinished business herself.

"I'm sorry for those things I said the other day. I'm sorry for being so mad. It's only because I love you so much," she started getting choked up again. She decided to stop while she was ahead, kissing her fingers and lightly pressing them against his lips.

Elise cried throughout the entire service. She regretted not doing it at home, alone, sooner. She was a mess, but didn't care as her mother held her on one side, Stephen laying against her other, crying quietly. She didn't really hear anything that was said. Elise had declined to say anything, knowing she would not have been able to keep her emotions in check long enough to speak in front of everyone. Besides, she didn't trust herself with the way she had been acting. What if she suddenly went on a rant in the middle of the damn thing?

Elise's anger came and went still over the passing months, though she mostly felt numb. The world around her seemed to be moving along at it's normal pace, but she felt like molasses. It became increasingly hard to get out of bed in the morning. Had she cut herself off too much? Or did the fortress she had tried to build around her emotions finally crumble so hard that she simply didn't care any more?

Elise found herself drinking more and more. She and Danny still occasionally had a few drinks on the weekends, but she found herself drinking throughout the week. One day turned into two. Two into three a few weeks later. Before she knew it, Elise was drinking on more days of the week than not.

She had tried to go to a grief support group for military families, but left before it was even halfway over. Too much of the "Your 'insert family member here' died bravely serving his or her country" bullshit all over again. Elise couldn't stand it. She had actually stuck it out at the support group Father Kirklin had told her about, but clearly it wasn't doing much for her. Elise wondered why she still even went, especially the nights she found it hard not to break down ranting and raving. Cursing in a church would probably be frowned upon.

Instead of it being the other way around as it should have been, Elise found herself crying more and more as the months marched on. She tried her damnedest to at least appear strong in front of the kids, but even that facade started breaking down after awhile. Kate would climb up into her lap and lay her head against her chest and Elise would start bawling. Stephen would come home from school and give her a hug and she would start crying. But nighttime was the worst.

Lying alone in bed each night was enough to get her going. Sometimes, right when she was on the edge of sleep, her brain would play dirty tricks on her, imagining she felt Danny lying next to her or feel him gently brush a piece of hair behind her ear as he always did. It sent her into uncontrollable sobs for hours sometimes, balled up in bed like a baby.

Sometimes the boys would hear her and would come lay in bed with her. She still hadn't decided whether it made her feel better or worse. She would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy having them close to her, warm bodies to fill her bed and keep her company. The fact that she had never asked either one of them warmed her heart beyond measure. But it always made her feel bad in the morning, knowing it shouldn't be her children taking care of her, but the other way around. What was worse were the evenings when the boys didn't hear her and join her. Elise had started a bad habit of sneaking the baby from her own room and putting her in bed with herself. Eventually, she stopped putting Kate to bed in her crib altogether, putting her down in her bed each night.

Elise knew she needed to get her shit together. Deep down she felt like her life was spinning out of her control. But she didn't know where to begin and lacked the energy to make any changes.

This is a bad idea and you know it, the little voice of reason in her head, which had grown quieter and quieter lately, piped up. Elise disregarded it and continued running the bath water.

She had drank too much. Wine wasn't cutting it any more, hadn't for months, really. Elise found a forgotten bottle of vodka in the cabinet a few days before and decided to tap into it that night. It hadn't disturbed her nearly as much as it should have that she couldn't remember whether she had bought it and forgotten about it or if it was leftover from "before", as Elise referred to it.

The warm water felt good. She wasn't sure what she was hoping to accomplish, but knew she would just toss and turn in bed despite the heaviness of her eyelids.