Date Night

I'm not here for sympathy or judgement in any form. My only goal is to tell it just like it happened. Believe what you want but I was in full control of all my faculties that night. This isn't even a cautionary tale because the odds of that night repeating itself are almost nonexistent.

So anyway it was February fourteenth, Valentines Day for all the love sick mutants out there. There's a half decent all night diner called Phil's Deluxe tucked away near Printer's Alley in downtown Nashville, Tennessee. That's where I found myself around seven that evening dressed in a suit I borrowed from my car salesman roommate, armed with an expensive box of gourmet chocolates.

It took me almost four grueling months to ask Crystal Montgomery out on an actual date. Partly because she was a clerk in the front office, and I'm just a lowly grease monkey toiling away in the repair shop out back of Murphy's Nissan Automotive. Also with the way those skirts accentuated her trim waist while lifting her toned ass got her more than enough unwanted attention from the degenerate masses she worked with. My offer might have come across as another insincere attempt at tricking her into something quick and nasty.

Although Crystal possessed other high quality traits like the way she really invested her full attention into whoever she was conversing with, the cute way she snorted when you really made her belly laugh, and the fact that she took the time to remember my birthday the last three years, most men couldn't acknowledge her presence without the heated threat of wanting to sexually violate and conquer such a well stacked goddess. She had a beautiful face and perky c-cup tits too I'll tell you.

But I digress. Sitting there at the counter looking out the huge plate glass windows and checking my watch a third time, my stomach swelled with the anxious possibility that she wasn't just running late but had only agreed to my flustered offer for dinner as a joke. That was nerves playing tricks on me though. Crystal Montgomery could never be so cruel. In fact I wouldn't have even fumbled my way through the offer if she hadn't dragged it out of me.

The conversation took place two days prior by the coffee machine near the service desk. Some of the other mechanics were busting my balls for not being as sexually active as them before I began to tell them about the weird blind date our boss Francis had set into motion. Before I could Crystal shooed them away for their cruelty and handed me a fresh cup of coffee.

"You have to stop letting those apes tease you so much Allen." She told me, pursing her cute glossy lips to blow on her own cup of coffee. "Or at least tease them back a little."

"Naw they're alright." I defended. "Besides I remember what real bullying felt like back in high school."

"So you were getting ready to tell about the hot date Frank set you up on last week." She prompted, playfully poking me in the ribs with a toxic green manicured nail. "I got a few minutes, so spill it Allen Bates. Did you ravage her?"

"What? No." I blushed before nervously taking a scalding sip of hot coffee and burning the shit out of my throat.

"Easy now. Hands up, hands up." Crystal soothed while patting me on the back as I fell into an embarrassing coughing fit.

"Wrong pipe." I lamely explained after getting my voice back. "But no that date was weird I don't know where Francis found that woman."

"Probably off of the same dating app he uses to cheat on his poor wife." She paused and made an apologetic face. "I don't mean to judge I know he's your friend. Cheaters can just be plain..."

"Shitty?" I offered for her. "Yeah nobody in the shop condones Francis in any capacity. I think he said the woman recently joined his wife's book club. Something about her being fairly new in town and looking to find people with similar interests."

"A voluptuous reader are you?" Crystal snickered into her coffee mug, taking a small sip.

"No, just the last solo out there in the garage." I blushed. "Believe it or not the rest of those assholes out there are already domesticated. Some with offspring even."

"That's a shame." She smiled. "So Frank decided to sacrifice you to the quirky gods of adult dating?"

"He claimed his wife kept pestering him. She wanted to play cupid for her new book club buddy. Needed somebody to show her around Nashville, maybe help her get settled." I explained.

"Clothing optional?" Crystal asked before making another face. "I'm sorry Allen that was too personal. Go on, tell me how the date went. Where did you guys meet up at?"

"Her name was Amanda Colson by the way, but she said folks back home called her Mandy."

"Woof. Please tell me she was not wearing mud boots and coveralls. Exactly where is home?" Crystal mocked, abandoning her usual prim social etiquette. "Was she a dog or what?"

"No she was quite attractive actually." I paused in confusion by Crystal's snarky attitude. "Tall, blonde with blue eyes. At first she just claimed to hail from the mid west but I eventually deduced she was referring to West Virginia, South Charleston even, though I wouldn't bet money on it."

"Blonde bombshell huh? Then what went wrong?"

"Well I picked her up at Francis' house which was totally awkward, spent thirty minutes listening to Dorothy ramble on while Francis just sat on the couch quietly nursing a beer. I noticed right away that Amanda had a little bit of crazy hiding behind those blue eyes, but nowadays it's almost mandatory."

"Do I have crazy eyes too Allen?" She batted her eyelashes at me.

Staring into Crystal's warm hazel eyes I couldn't find anything but infinite kindness. "No... no you're one of the good ones."

That seemed to have pleased her somehow as her eyes lit up briefly and she straightened her posture while fussing over the sage colored blouse clinging to her gently jiggling bosom, as if she suddenly became aware of her appearance.

"Anyway what struck me as odd was how quiet she was, just sitting there with this red-lipped smirk on her face eye fucking me from the love seat, excuse my language." I held up my hands apologetically. "Dorothy was the one droning on about Amanda's history. I'm like, are you writing her biography or something?"

"You did not ask that." Crystal chuckled. "Mandy was just probably shy."

"That's what I thought too in the very beginning." I said, far too excitedly. "After we finally got the hell out of there and into my car she gets all sultry and shit, sitting in her seat facing me almost, running her fingers across her cleavage. She asked me if I knew what a succubus was."

"What the hell?" Crystal frowned. "Do you know what a succubus is Allen?"

"Honestly? I had to look it up. The thought now gives me the chills ya know." I answered. "Then she goes on about how her mama taught her these love spells and that some of them even work. At the time my dumb ass thought she was trying to be flirty and cute."

"This sounds bad Allen, murder suicide bad." Crystal lowered her voice to an almost conspiratorial tone. "How did the rest of the night play out? Where did you take her?"

"Man she had me drive ninety minutes away to this hick town called Lafayette to eat at some shitty steak restaurant I can't even remember the name of. Assholes burned one half of my steak and left the other bleeding and ice cold in the middle, and who the hell still has salad bars?"

"What did you two talk about?" She asked, to cut off my ranting.

"Oh that part was cool, except she kept asking weird sexual questions. Like the number of people I've slept with and did I use protection? I almost choked on my sweet tea when she asked how pure I considered myself. Like I get it, you're DTF."

"DTF?" Crystal repeated.

"Down to fuck, pardon my french."

"Allen?!" She put her dainty hand over her lips to stifle a laugh. "How pure are you by the way? Asking for a friend."

"Real cute." I retorted, laughing along with her.

"Oh so you think I'm cute?"

I froze as if I had caught my pecker in my zipper, weighing the complexity of what she said. There was no way a woman of Crystal Montgomery's polished caliber could ever be interested in a scrawny thirty four year old nobody like me. Realizing her joke didn't land she cleared her throat and waved her hands for me to continue with the story.

"Things didn't get creepy again until after we left the restaurant. First she started my car and put the radio on to some country music station, and pulled me in to slow dance with her right there in the parking lot."

"That actually sounds adorable."

"Yeah, I guess. She even smelled real good. Then she ruined it all by asking me if I knew about the cult that lived up in the woods right outside the city limits."

"Wait I think I saw something about that on the internet a while back." Crystal admitted softly. "They weren't necessarily dangerous, just a collection of nomads and hobos. But they were territorial and ran outsiders off, and I heard they also ate pets."

"No that's what they were." I said, shaking my head. "Amanda told me it was a loose group of people trying to live off the grid and discover harmony and all this other shit. But a new group came and drove them off. By force. Said she knew some of the women and wanted me to drive her up there to check on them."

"Tell me you didn't Allen."

"The thing is, I might not be as promiscuous as everyone thinks I am."

"Allen." She put her hand on my shoulder and I swear that touch melted all the way through to my heart.

"Or virtuous I'm afraid." I continued with my head lowered in shame. "After her little rendezvous in the woods with her blood sisters, as she called them, Amanda promised we could back track to this local motel in Lafayette and spend the night together."

"I'd never have guessed you were that down bad Allen Bates." Crystal used her thumb and forefinger to gently raise my head to look me in the eye. "Maybe you should have a bit more confidence in yourself. Who knows what might happen if you asked the right woman."

Those brown eyes cut right through me, severing all cognitive thought, and ironically quieting all doubts. "Can I please take you out to dinner sometime? I'll be a perfect gentleman the whole time I swear." I blurted out.

Staring horrified at the blank expression on her smooth blemish-less face my balls tightened up and retracted into my stomach. Then those blessed smile lines crinkled at the corner of her eyes as her face softened into a look of joyous amusement.

"Will you be my Valentine and have dinner with me?" I soldiered on.

"I don't know it's last minute and I hardly know you Allen." She coyly turned away from me, glancing back over her shoulder. "Before my father passed away he would always take me to this diner if I found myself alone on Valentines Day. They had the best strawberry shortcake."

So that's how Monday went. After checking my watch again I looked behind the counter at Phil's Deluxe and caught two waitresses giggling over my predicament. Knowing all too well about the sour gut punch of getting stood up for a date I decided to run to the restroom and relieve a bit of gas. Gross, yes I know but the possibility of Crystal not showing had my stomach in knots. The only question was whether or not to take the chocolates in the stall with me. Looking around the half empty diner and spotting the two vagrants in a corner booth sharing a slice of pie, I made a tough decision. Love was in the air, spiced with fentanyl.

Fighting with the Italian leather belt my roommate David loaned me, the conversation we had Tuesday came back to me for some reason. I recalled his warnings while squatting and balancing the box of chocolates on my naked lap.

David Linsner was a born salesman as they say, naturally granting him a plush spot on the used car side of Murphy's Nissan, where all the money was at. They had their own break-room in the main building, so I found it odd when he came strolling into our grease pit behind the repair shop out back.

"Allen, my guy tell me the rumors are true." He slapped me on the shoulder before pumping change into the coke machine I was standing next too. "Crystal fucking Montgomery. Are you holding her parents for ransom?"

"What? Fuck you dude. She just prefers the flavor of greatness."

"Don't think so." David laughed while popping open a Coke and taking a drink. "It's more likely the two of you Freaky Friday'ed and are trapped in each others' bodies. That's the only way I see it. You saying yes to you."

"That doesn't even make sense dumbass."

"None of this makes sense." He exclaimed, throwing his hands to the sky, accidentally sloshing soda onto the floor. "Frankie finally showed me a picture of that hot slut he unleashed on you. Man were those tits even real?"

"Don't be gross."

"Let me guess, the night ended with another dry ass hand job. Your boss gifts you a smoking hot blonde blow up doll sexual overdrive included, and you fumbled it. Traded it for another episode of Real Housewives while you tugged off."

"You don't understand..."

"Which one was it Miami, Beverly Hills?" He cut me off.

"No listen..."

"Not Atlanta." He said laughing. "Oh shit wait until Tracy in HR hears about this you dirty boy."

"Wait why do you know so much about Amanda from just seeing her photo?" I asked, eyeing him suspiciously. "Francis tell you about how horny she was, and if so how the hell would he know?"

"You mean Amanda Colson from Richwood, West Virginia?" David almost shouted, slamming his empty soda can on the counter for emphasis. "Do not repeat this, but Frankie might have picked up some bad habits after his last surgery..."

"How bad is it?"

"He's functional. Percocet I think, shut up and listen, fuck Frank. So anyway he gets them from these bikers who meet up with him once a month." David pauses and takes a look around the empty break-room we were in. "Unsure how it came up but they somehow saw that tall sex pot on Frank's phone and he said they all got spooked, like instantly."

"Whaaaat?" I asked suddenly light-headed. "When did he tell you all this?"

"I don't know, the other day maybe. They tell him all this fucked up shit about her, like how she's a witch and how she's on the run for killing a bunch of people in Richwood. Ritual sacrifices involving fucking, and gouging peoples' eyes out and shit."

"You fucking with me?" I asked, collapsing into the nearest chair. "Why didn't he tell me all this shit before I took her out? I mean she wanted me to drive her up into the woods to see what she called her blood sisters."

"Whoa." David said, taking a seat next to me. "That didn't set off any alarms Allen, what are you stupid?"

"I thought I was gonna get laid after!" I shouted out of frustration. "I mean you saw the picture. I had that in my arms slow dancing."

"A woman genetically built for fucking and you take her slow dancing?" David laughed. "This is the shit I'm talking about Allen."

"Fuck you. What else do you know?"

"Did a google search. Not a lot on social media, but there was a news story confirming what the bikers' said. Amanda's listed as a person of interest in a case involving some kidnap, murder situation at a night club. Two bounty hunters got kidnapped also but managed to shoot their way out. Found a couple of grown men with their eyes cut out and a bunch of runes carved into their faces. Damn article read like a movie script. Tell me what happened in those woods."

"Never made it. Didn't you see my car? The whole front bumper is smashed in, hit a deer. Mandy was super pissed when I told her I was going back to town."

"She really wanted you up in those woods huh buddy?" David asked, patting me on the leg. "They say it's not just her. It's a whole fucking coven of those psycho bitches. When's the next time you're taking her out?"

"That weirdo's been blowing my phone up ever since." I admitted. "At first it was casual and asking to go out again. But that look in those cold blue eyes when I dropped her off back at Francis' house still has my bowels loose."

"Wait you dropped her back off at Frank's, what is she homeless?"

"Don't know. I thought that was strange too but Dorothy greeted us at the door and that goofy woman seemed to be upset the date was over too."

"Why would she care?" David asked, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Where was Frank?"

"I assume he was asleep, because it was pretty late. Dorothy was bright eyed and disappointed in my less than chivalrous behavior. She agreed with Mandy that a moonlit stroll through some dark creepy woods was totally romantic."

"Fuck that old goat." David blew a raspberry into the palm of his hand. "You said Mandy was still texting you though?"

"Got a threatening text last night from her claiming we're destined to be together so just give in and come pick her up." I said pulling up the unhinged message on my phone and showing my roommate. "Look at this one from Sunday, 'I can be all the woman you'll ever need. No others can ever come between us, you are mine.' Followed by a fucking knife emoji."

David took a minute to blink away the shock. "I don't want this to sound offensive, but why you? I mean even after you ghosted her she still has to have you, you're that irresistible?"

"No that's fair. Thought the same thing actually." I conceded.

"She need a virgin sacrifice or something?" David froze after watching me flinch from embarrassment. "No way! Are you really a virgin?"

"You have to understand I had a very strict upbringing... I mean I've been in the trenches like everybody else... come so close..."

"No, no." David moaned, putting his face in his hands.

"Technically yes, I'm still a virgin." I finished with my head lowered in shame once more. "Hand stuff doesn't count does it?"

"You're so old. Are you even a real person? How are you alive right now? You should be dead inside." He grabbed my shoulders and literally shook me. "A virgin at your age isn't like some beautiful unicorn, I don't care what you're mother might've told you. It's crippling sadness breaded in depression, deep fried in tears and formed into a shit sandwich you have to eat day after day. Allen please tell me you're joking."

"Being kind of dramatic aren't you?" I mumbled.

"Wait that blonde blue eyed demon was going to be your first are you crazy? She would have stolen your soul and worn your carcass like some sad pale mink coat. Is she the reason you used up that box of tissues on your nightstand after your date last week?"

"Enough." I exploded, leaping up from my chair. "This is starting to put me on edge. I thought she was just a little possessive after having a decent time last week, even boosted my confidence some. But what if she is trying to do something to me?"

"You mean besides hiding your pickle in her golden bush?" David asked, unwrapping a stick of gum and popping it into his mouth. "Listen you should be more focused on tomorrow and not blowing it with Crystal. Tracy in HR said she seemed pretty excited about it."

"No shit?" I asked, face flush with pride.

"Streets don't lie my friend. Crystal Montgomery might be in to you. Don't know why? Maybe this is some elaborate scheme Mandy set up using some of her voodoo. You agree to a date with one woman but another one shows up in her place."

I shrank back into the folding chair, dizzy at my roommate's illogical musings. "Stop fucking with me, I'm feeling unsafe right now."

"Before the dance club murders the whole town lived with the unconfirmed fact that Mandy butchered her ex boyfriend and the lover he was cheating with. Found them both naked in a cornfield, skin all carved up with symbols, dried hollow sockets where their eyes used to be." David narrated with way too much glee. Walking over to the exit he paused while holding the door open. "My advice is to stay away from that demon nympho. Any more texts from her respond in Spanish telling her Se~nor Bates sold me this phone for two hundred pesos."