Daughter in Need Ch. 02

I'd listened to Alyssa rail against the patriarchy for the last few years now. I actually found her rants rather thought provoking, and enjoyed engaging with her about it. She had definitely broadened my perspective, but I privately thought it was amusing, considering I was a classic example of the 'patriarchy', and was also paying for her to learn about how evil it was.

Her political views were part of why I'd been so thrown by the last week. Her submissive behavior towards her (ex) boyfriend and the whole daddy thing had seemed so out of character. Wasn't that buying into the patriarchy wholesale?

"It's not hypocritical if it's my choice, dad. Feminism is all about women's right to choose. If I choose to follow heteronormative values or use patriarchal terms of endearment, I'm still a feminist. As long as I'm not pressured into it."

"I thought you told me that our society as a whole pressured everybody into heteronormative values."

"Yes, but it's still a lifestyle choice that I made."

"So a woman acting like a stepford wife is a feminist."

"Not if she's pressured into it. Which is the definition of a stepford wife. But like yeah, if she wants to live like that nobody should shame her for it."

"And the way Sean treated you? The way he pressured you? Was that feminism?"

Alyssa traced her hands to lay against my upper pectorals. She rested her chin on the top of my head and sighed.

"Sean was a mistake. He didn't pressure me into it, I asked him to be more controlling. It was kind of an experiment. But he loved the idea of being a Dom. And kept pushing me further and further. I adored it at first. Well, like the whole time, really. When I was with him, all my anxiety just floated away. The only thing I had to worry about was looking pretty for him. And pleasing him. I totally loved it. I liked that he was using me. I realized he really only cared about having a hot groupie come to all his band's shows, but by the time I understood how dangerous that was, I was in too deep. There was no way to stop it or back off."

That was sobering. And disturbingly arousing. Alyssa's soft body pressing into my back and her words were making it hard to think clearly. I was rock solid.

"I'm sorry that happened to you, mamita. I think you learned a valuable lesson though, in how dangerous it is to put so much power in another person."

"Life is dangerous, daddy. My mistake wasn't giving up control, it was choosing the wrong person to give it to."

Goosebumps raced up my neck and I sat still, feeling Alyssa's chest rise and fall against my back. I had the sudden urge to turn around and inhale the scent of her neck and cleavage. Pull her into my lap and not let go. Tell her I cared, that I would never let another douchebag hurt her. I stomped the feeling down.

Alyssa gave me one last squeeze and turned away.

"I'm taking a shower and going to bed. It's getting late."

I sat in silence until I heard the shower running. I should have at least thanked her for the massage. No, I should have put my foot down about calling me daddy.

Jesus.

I groaned, my face in my hands. Dr. Ecklen had told me to shut this down. To tell Alyssa no. The problem was; I was losing confidence in my own ability to do that. It was only four days since Alyssa had started her seduction campaign. If that was even what it was. She was a natural flirt. There was no way to tell how much was unconscious, and how much was by design.

Four days and I was feeling like a boxer in the tenth round. If she kept it up, how much longer could I keep myself from doing something crazy that I'd regret? What Ally was offering was too tempting. If it was just her good looks, I would be fine. But it was everything. Her love and admiration. Her desire to please. She needed me. Had barely disguised that she wanted me to take complete control of her life.

And wasn't that just what the doctor had ordered? Control? Structure in her life? Could I do that without crossing any lines? I had thought I could, but now I wasn't sure.

I stood and rolled my shoulders. God that had felt amazing. I'd need to thank her. I checked my emails and did some computer work until I felt too tired to continue. I had a bunch of meetings tomorrow.

Fuck tomorrow.

I ascended the stairs, shrugging out of my dress shirt as I went. The sounds of a blow dryer clicked off in the bathroom, and Alyssa appeared in an oversized t-shirt and pajama bottoms (for once).

"Can you tuck me in please?"

I regarded her. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not?"

I huffed a laugh. "Because the last time didn't exactly go so well is why."

Her mouth crooked a smile. "Last time went extremely well for me."

I facepalmed and she giggled. I had walked right into that one.

"Sorry, dad. I'll be good, I promise. Just a normal tuck in."

"There's not much normal about a 20 year old needing to be tucked in."

"Please? Haven't I been good all day? Didn't I do more work than I had to? I think I deserve a reward. It's part of classical conditioning, daddy. I'm more likely to repeat good behavior if I have an incentive to look forward to."

I eyed her suspiciously. The contrast between little girl persona and college psychobabble was intriguing to say the least.

"Fine. But if it's a repeat of Friday night, I'm never tucking you in again."

She jumped on top of me like a lemur and I caught her automatically.

"What part of no repeats of Friday night did you not understand? Tucking you in does not include carrying you to bed."

She nuzzled my neck. "Silly daddy, of course it does."

It was only three steps to her bedroom and arguing wasn't worth it. I dropped my collared shirt on the banister and carried her through her door. Satisfaction curled through me and I pondered what Alyssa had said about secretly wanting to call me daddy. I kinda understood it. Right now, there was something so right about my daughter jumping into my arms and acting like a four year old.

Carrying her like this was something that hadn't really been possible since before she was eleven years old. It stirred up all those protective instincts. Was it really wrong? I placed her delicately in her bed and pulled the covers up around her.

"Thank you daddy."

Deja Vu.

"You're welcome, alley girl."

I was the same as my daughter. Deep down, I wanted this. I liked her calling me daddy. Every time I heard it, some strange ego creature in my chest roared in triumph.

"Did you like your shoulder rub earlier?"

"Very much so. Thank you for doing that."

"So I did a good job? Would you like one every night?"

"You did an amazing job. And no, I don't need a massage every night."

"I was a good girl today, right?"

I paused. This was starting to head into murky waters.

More like you began in murky waters and just now noticed the giant fucking cliffs ahead.

Alyssa saw my hesitation and slipped out of the little girl voice. Which made me realize suddenly that she had been using it in the first place. She was giving me whiplash.

"Dr. Ecklen thinks I conflated different forms of love too much. She thinks I gave Sean too much of my need for approval, and you too much of my sexual desire."

Murky waters indeed. "I would agree with that."

"So to separate the two I need to find a boy for sex and romance, and you can satisfy my need for other kinds of love."

Part of me growled at the idea that I would approve of her finding some boy for sex, but I reigned it in. That was exactly what I wanted. "Okaaay?"

"So can you please help me with that?"

"Help you how?"

"Come closer? Please?"

I eyed her warily. This felt like a trap. Was she trying to kiss me again? There was no trace of guile in her face. Her eyes impressed on me her sincerity.

I leaned down till our faces were inches apart. Was she testing her own self control? Why go along with it? Did I want her to kiss me?

Hell yes you do.

She tilted my head to the side and brought my ear to her lips to catch her whisper. I was unreasonably disappointed.

"Daddy, earlier I told you I was trying to be true to myself. And by lying to you and barely ever calling this whole past year I wasn't being true. And I've been so unhappy for so long and it's all my own fault."

Her breath hitched and I realized she was crying. My ardor quickly died.

"I have so many regrets. And not just from the last two years. But I recognize now what makes me happy. It's you. Your love. And if you died in a car crash tomorrow I would hate myself forever. I don't want to have any more regrets going forward. What I want most in the world right now is for you to tell me I'm your good girl. And that I did a good job today. And that you love me. And that it's going to be okay. And maybe pat my head while you do it. Please..." Her voice broke down.

I pulled back to look at her, and she turned her face into her pillow, muffling her sobs.

"I know its dumb. I'm such a child. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Sympathetic tears pricked my eyes as I ran my hand along her scalp, soothing her like an upset puppy. She cried harder into her pillow; wet, heaving sobs that tore at my heart.

"I'm sorry. I'm so stupid."

"Shhh. It's okay. It's okay. Cry it out."

I settled myself awkwardly to her side and pulled her head into my chest. My fingers teased their way through her hair in a steady rhythm.

"It's okay. I'm here. It's all going to be okay."

"I'm sorry. I'm so dumb."

"It's okay. You're not dumb."

Her wracking sobs subsided but she continued to cry softly into my chest. Her voice sounded heavy with snot and tears. She sniffled. "Yes I am. You've given me so much, and I kept throwing it away...I'm never going to graduate now. I'm such a failure."

My hand traced her hair to her back where I rubbed small circles into her t-shirt.

"That's not true."

"I'm never gonna be successful like you, dad. You came from nothing."

"You're young, mamita. Far too young to say you'll never be successful."

"You know I won't though. Not like you. And the world is fucked. Global warming is wrecking everything, and it's too late to stop. Google and Facebook are spying on everyone and helping dictators. Racism is getting worse, not better. Our president brags about how much he likes torture, how he's going to let the CIA do way more than waterboarding."

She wiped her tears on my undershirt. I just kept stroking her back, smooth circles getting slower and wider. She looked up at me.

"Torture, daddy! Torture! And people calling themselves Christians like him! Did you see the pictures of the kids on the border they kept in cages? Whose parents got deported? Some of them could be your cousins. You wouldn't even know!"

I squeezed her tight and rubbed her back. It was true that I knew next to nothing about my father's family back in Mexico. I had done my best to pretend he never existed. I never even realized Alyssa resented her lack of knowledge about our roots.

"It's going to be okay."

"You're just saying that. You don't actually care. Mr. Big businessman."

My hand moved back up to cradle the back of her head, my fingers scritching back and forth.

"Of course I care. You know why I work with the people I do?"

I paused before answering my own question. "So I can take care of you." I booped her on the nose before returning my hand to petting her.

"And you know why I take care of you?"

She sniffled. "Well duh, you have to. You're my dad. And Aunt Becky would kick your ass if you didn't."

I smiled. "Nah ah. I could have kicked you out three years ago if I wanted. Told you to stay at Becky's place when you came back from college. She would've been thrilled to have you. Know why I didn't?"

She looked at me, biting her lip.

"Know why?" I repeated, my hand still. She gave her head a tiny shake, eyes puffy.

"I think you know," I teased. Then brought my mouth to her ear.

"It's because I love you, Mija."

She turned fully into me and buried her nose in my armpit. I laughed and she tightened her arms around me.

"Say it again?" Her voice was muffled and very small.

"I love you, Mija." My hands resumed their orbit around the small of her back.

"I know the future can be scary to think about. You're inheriting a dangerous world. But everything is going to be okay. I'll always take care of you. You don't have to worry."

"You promise?"

"I'll always take care of my good girl. You are my good girl, right?"

I felt a full body shiver run through her and she nodded vigorously into my armpit.

"I know you are. You did a good job today. Such a good job." I punctuated my words by firmly pressing circles into her back.

"Are you going to be good for me tomorrow too?"

Alyssa's back rose as she inhaled hugely before audibly letting it out in a sigh. She took another deep breath in and out. I let her breathe for a minute. I idly wondered how rank my armpit smelled. She obviously didn't care.

"Are you going to be a good girl for me tomorrow?"

She shivered again and nodded. I kissed the top of her head and rolled her away onto her back. She stared up at me as I rearranged the covers and tucked them under her.

"Better?"

She nodded.

"Goodnight, alley girl."

"Goodnight Daddy."

I smoothed her forehead. "Good girl."

Her smile was like the sun peeking through the clouds.

I closed her door behind me and listened for a minute. Feeling another wave of Deja Vu. Thank God tonight had ended very differently than Friday. I went to get ready for bed.

My mattress sank under my weight. I was dead tired. Happy though. For once I felt like I could do this. Maybe we didn't have the most conventional relationship. But our love was strong. I could provide Alyssa the structure and support she needed. If she wanted to pretend to be a little girl occasionally, well I could deal with it.

I couldn't lie to myself. I enjoyed it. Carrying her, tucking her in, letting her cry on me, seeing how the simplest of affirmations made her light up...I loved it. It made me feel ten years younger; like I could shelter her from the world. As I drifted off to sleep I felt at peace for the first time in weeks.

*

Thanks for reading chapter 2. I really wanted to move things along timeline-wise as well as sex-wise, but sometimes the characters don't agree with what the author plans. I am trying to keep things from getting bogged down in too many extraneous details but some scenes can't be rushed. Any political views described are the thoughts of fictional characters and are not meant to cause offense.

Please look forward to chapter 3. Can our hero keep his boundaries uncrossed moving forward? Will his newfound sense of peace last? (Spoiler alert, the answer is no.)