Dead and Horny Ch. 14

"Can you step back, please?" The Oracle waved his hands away from him. "About a foot? I'm listening to you through a microphone and your voice is all muffled now."

"Oh, sorry." Dana scooted her face away. "Anyway, if you're the all-seeing Oracle, you should have seen what happened to me, so why ask?"

The Oracle groaned and moved away from the glass. "Do you know why people interview football players after the Superbowl? It's not because we want to hear what happened, we all saw it. We want to know what was going on inside their heads, what sort of decisions they were making. These are things that you can't see. They have to be expressed somehow."

"You want to hear about how I was murdered and that I'm low-key pissed about it all the time?"

"I do." The Oracle returned. He was carrying a folding chair. With a deft flick, he unfolded it and sat where Dana could see him, his wings now draping across his body like a cloak of shadows. "I want all of it, Sparks. I want to know what happens inside your head, to hear about your grief for your departed lover. Tell me all your secrets, and I will give you what you want, no questions asked."

"You're a bit much, aren't you?"

"I'm locked several stories underground and they won't let me have television anymore." The Oracle made an L-shape with both hands and then rotated his palms so that it looked like he was holding a square. "Not that I still don't watch it. You can't stop the signal, Mal."

"You just quoted Firefly, didn't you?" She squinted at the Oracle. "Is it because you're from space? Was that a hint?"

"Technically, I quoted Serenity. And no, I'm not. If I had come from space, it would mean that I came from somewhere, and that simply isn't true." The Oracle held his hands out, palms outstretched as if to beg for food. "Please, Dana. I have to know."

Uncertain about what to do, she looked over at Lily. The succubus was still staring into space, her features oddly reminiscent of the time her brain had been scrambled by an Elder god.

"Oh, shit." Dana looked at the Oracle.

"Look at you, filling in the gaps. Now, please. Feed me your misery, dead girl."

Though she was hesitant, the words poured from her like water from a faucet. She told the Oracle everything she had gone through, starting with the moment she had woken up to discover that she was dead. It was like her brain was on autopilot as her mouth moved against her will, allowing the uncomfortable truths of her condition to spill free.

The Oracle said nothing as she spoke. His eyes blazed as if she were feeding logs to his inner fire, and she couldn't help but worry that perhaps this was a huge mistake. But the words fell free of their own volition, and she eventually reached her battle with the Nirumbi and Velvet's death.

Pain, excruciating and terrible, ripped through her whole body as the emotions came. She had been trapped in another flashback more than once, only this time, she narrated the events to the Oracle. The creature sat and listened to all of it as an hour passed. Eulalie was surely worried by now, but it was likely the Arachne was monitoring them somehow. As long as the first portal was still open, Dana and Lily would be able to get home without any issues.

Finally, Dana spilled the last of her grief, and the shadows drank it away until the room was empty save for the static hiss of the broken intercom unit. The Oracle's eyes blazed for several seconds, then dimmed to a more tolerable level of illumination.

"Now, see? That wasn't so difficult, was it?" The Oracle crossed his legs and hummed a discordant tune to himself.

"Are you satisfied?" she asked.

"Very. You've given me plenty to think about. Do you know, in the annals of human history, there has never been a creature quite like you? Before you died, you were already special, a rarity among your race. Now, though, you've been murdered, come back, have survived a trip across time and space, and even looked into the void itself without even blinking. "

"Say what now?" That last one was news to her.

"I'm saying you're a walking improbability, a unique being, one of a kind. Anyone can be one-in-a-million, you know. It really isn't that special. In fact, dying and being reanimated isn't that unique either. It gives you perspective."

"If I was alive, it would give me ulcers." Dana frowned. "So can you fix Lily and tell me where I can find the demon who made a deal with Leeds' mother all those centuries ago?"

"Ah, now that's a terrible question. In fact, I could tell you right now where he is, but it would do you no good. By the time you arrived, he wouldn't be there any longer." The Oracle chuckled. "No, no, no, I need you to start seeing things from the outside-in, to step outside of your perceived notion that time is a series of discrete events, to--"

"Fucking hell, where can I find this guy two days from now?" Dana huffed and crossed her arms. Two days would be plenty of time to track their prey, but not if the Oracle kept chatting her up.

The Oracle pressed a strip of paper against the edge of the glass with an address written in a dark fluid that squirmed under Dana's scrutiny. Even with her photographic memory, she had to read it several times before the information stuck.

"Not sure why you couldn't just tell it to me."

"For two reasons. I have been a guest of the Order for many decades, and I see what I do as an art form, worthy of my own personal interpretation. I love the drama, the interplay between mystery and revelation. I used to come up with cute little rhymes, just to irritate the men and women who sought my advice. It was never over information of true value, and their success or failure bore no meaningful contribution to the days ahead. Or sometimes they would focus so hard on the poem that they would miss the deeper meaning. They can tell when I'm lying, or at least they think they can."

"So you're an attention whore." Dana jerked her thumb at Lily. "That's the real reason you froze her, right? Spotlight wasn't big enough for the both of you."

The Oracle laughed, a grating sound that was painful to hear.

"Oh, I am so happy to have finally met you, Sparks. You are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise dull existence."

"About that..." Dana examined the glass. "Are you really a prisoner here? Because if you are, we might be able to help. I'm sure you know this, but I have friends who would probably free you."

The Oracle grinned, the skin around its lips stretching impossibly wide. Its mouth parts twitched, filling the silence with that hideous clicking sound.

"In fact, I don't know. Your friends walk where even I cannot see. Besides, I am exactly where I want to be. Sure, it may be boring most of the time, but I've got front row seats to the big game, don't you know?"

Dana had no idea what he was talking about. "You never told me the second reason."

"The Order monitors this room via a live feed, except for the audio. I've been known to say some very disturbing things with relevance to who may be watching me, which means they keep the volume muted. However, they noticed the mist a bit ago and finally got curious enough to kick on the audio and realized that I have company."

"Fuck me!" Dana grabbed Lily's shoulder and the succubus snapped back to reality. Lily narrowed her eyes at the Oracle and a wreath of hell fire formed above her head, her horns ripping free of her forehead in a bloody display.

"You're gonna wish you never woke up," she growled, pressing her fingertips against the glass as the door to the Oracle's room slammed open.

The Oracle blew Lily a kiss and vanished into his enclosure as spells exploded through the room. A blast tore into Dana's back and a sheet of ice formed all along her neck and shoulders.

"Damn it," she grumbled, stumbling forward and closing her eyes. She could smell them, two women and one man. Someone charged her, and she slid to the side, dodging a sword attack. She was tempted to pull her blade, but the thick mists hindered visibility. It was easy enough to drop to the floor and move toward the exit without fighting anyone.

But did she really want to flee? Even now, she could feel the excitement building in her body like a winding spring. Part of her wanted to tear into her enemies, hear their screams of fright as she showed them her might.

She was back in the forests of Oregon, leaping through the trees and feasting on the Nirumbi as they cried out in anger. Hunger became rage became strength as their feeble attacks did little but slow her down. When she bore down on a particularly burly Nirumbi, he showed her his teeth in defiance.

She showed him hers, biting into his face as she stuck a spear through his skull, ensuring that her curse couldn't be passed on.

A fireball slammed into the glass, snapping her back to the present and creating a void in the mist. Dana saw Lily in the gap, wearing a fucking rubber duck head as she slammed a woman's head into the glass so hard it cracked.

"Quack, motherfucker!" Lily growled and threw her assailant into another attacker. Smoke fired out of the duck's bill as she head butted a man who charged her. More people were coming through the opening, and the succubus was soon overwhelmed. She was clearly playing it safe to avoid revealing her demonic nature, but the temperature in the room was rising and it was only a matter of time before Lily would be forced to start stabbing people with her tail.

"Thermals!" someone yelled, and Lily's newest attacker blasted her across the room with a stream of electricity. The mage was wearing a helmet with a thermal scope over one eye, and he turned and looked in Dana's direction. She expected to get juiced, but grinned when the man looked back at Lily. Somebody was relying too hard on technology.

"One hostile!" he yelled right before Dana slammed her fist into the back of his head. The helmet cracked, and the mage fell to the floor, hopefully unconscious. Dana held the scope to her eye and saw through the mist that a couple of Order troops were cautiously moving toward the portal.

"Shit. Time to go, Mother Goose." Dana dashed toward the portal and one of the men turned toward her, his eyes wide behind the scope. She smashed the scope into his eye, then grabbed him by the neck and swung him into his partner. A sudden hunger assailed her, and she had the urge to sink her teeth into him. Growling, she continued through the opening, leaving a perfectly good meal behind.

Lily leapt through the portal, then turned to detonate the charges. Three knights jumped through the opening half a second before the portal imploded, the pressure change causing Dana's ears to pop. The knights drew their blades, a crimson aura forming around their bodies.

"We're gonna rip you apart," one of them snarled, then punched Lily in the beak of her duckface. She let out a sound like a squeaky toy and fell backward.

"And then there was one," one knight said with a grin. The three knights surrounded Dana, their swords held ready. "So what are you supposed to be?"

"If you're expecting witty banter, you're going to be disappointed." Dana raised her fists, her heart pounding in her chest. Wait, her heart? No, it was the sound of distant drums, beating with an intense rhythm that spurred her to action. What the hell was wrong with her?

"The only thing I'm giving out today is beat downs." She wiped a bit of drool away from her lips, holding back that part of her that saw her foes as little more than snacks that hadn't been opened yet.

"Pretty confident for a human." One of the knights reached into her pocket. "So, what? You a witch? Berserker? Sell your soul to the devil?"

"Even worse." A fourth knight appeared, a carbon copy of one of the male knights. "She's Gen Z."

The knight Lily had copied glanced up at his clone, a stunned look on both their faces. They both pointed at each other at the exact same time and shouted "Imposter!" as Dana dodged a sword thrust that would have disemboweled her from the female knight. The woman paused when Dana's sword snapped open and countered her next attack, the metal ringing with impact.

"What the fuck?" The knight pulled something out of her pocket and was slammed into from behind by a flying mace that shout out from the exit. The hovering weapon spun like a top and smashed into the other two knights, their auras flashing brightly as their protective magic was overwhelmed.

The battle was over, their attackers down.

Lily knelt by each one and scowled, her features melting back to normal. The magical weapon hovered overhead as if waiting for any excuse to smash someone.

"Stop standing around!" Eulalie's voice came through the portal. "Get your asses home!"

"Hold on." Lily knelt down and examined the knight who had reached into her pocket. A wooden object tumbled free from her hand, and Lily's face burst into flame. "Ow, shit, motherfucker!"

"What is it?" Dana moved close, her eyes burning just to look at the object. It was a wooden circle with a silver cross inlaid into it. Each arm of the cross had four parallel branches, and there was a circle in the middle.

"Religious symbol of some kind, shit." Lily moved to the other side of the room.

"I've seen you walk into a church before." Dana picked up the circle and was surprised when pain flared up her arm in response. "What makes this thing so special? Wait...isn't this thing from a state flag?"

"It's called a Zia." Eulalie leaned around the corner of their portal, wearing a pair of glasses. They had belonged to her mother and were magical, able to hide her spider eyes. "Fascinating history regarding its use. I'm surprised that it's actually causing a reaction, a symbol is only as effective as the belief behind the one who uses it. I imagine this woman must be Native American."

"That still doesn't explain why this is so effective, but a building devoted to God isn't."

"I don't know that we have the time to go into the flawed process of belief, or the difference between believing in an idea versus a person. Uncle Foot will happily break it down for you if you have a day or two for the lecture. Regardless, the object you're holding is considered very special to the woman who owns it." Eulalie clicked her tongue. "True belief is a rare commodity, these days, but that's just my opinion."

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Lily stared at Eulalie, her features twisted up. Dana took this moment to tuck the Zia into the pocket of the woman who had used it.

"You two were taking way too long." Eulalie whistled and the magical weapon moved to her side. She rubbed the top of the weapon as if it were an obedient pet. "It's okay, though. I always carry Mace when I go out."

Lily groaned. "How long have you been waiting to say that?"

"Months." Eulalie grinned. Despite research to the contrary, the Arachne had named the magical weapon Mace and it had stuck. "So these are Order guys? They look tough."

"Yep. And that bitch can stay here." Lily left the woman with the symbol on the floor, but grabbed the ankles of the other two. "They won't be out long, may as well split them up across the planet, right?"

"Don't. All it will do is waste their time and ours, and we're technically in the wrong here." Eulalie knocked on the wall. "I'm closing it in five seconds, with or without you."

"Ugh, fine." Lily dropped her burden and walked through the portal, followed by Dana. Eulalie activated the collapse mechanism and the three of them made their way back to the Library through each of the portals. Once they were back in the Library, the rats closed the final portal so they could reuse the closing mechanism once more. It took almost half an hour, but none of them were worried about somebody showing up.

Once the portal was closed, Lily whipped around at Eulalie and snarled. "What the fuck do you think you were doing out there, risking yourself? You are the last of your kind, La-la! Your life is not worth risking!"

"I'm sorry, but the two of you were gone for over an hour. This was supposed to be the equivalent of a smash and grab!" Eulalie put her hand reassuringly on the magical weapon. She had rescued it from imprisonment on another world a few months ago, and it typically spent its days roaming around the forests of Oregon. The weapon was alive, in its own way, and heavily favored time with the Arachne. "So excuse me for fucking caring!"

"Both of you, chill." Dana moved between the two of them. "Eulalie, I appreciate how worried you were about us. We're the Away team. This is what we do, even if we suck at it sometimes. Thank you for the assist. We were in a bit of trouble and you spared us a lot of bloodshed."

Eulalie's lip twitched, but she said nothing. She took a moment to remove her mother's glasses, her spider eyes reappearing.

"Lily, we--" Dana didn't get to say anything else, because the succubus growled and disappeared in a puff of smoke. She had teleported back to Mike and clearly didn't want to hear what Dana had to say.

"Did you at least get what you went there for?" Eulalie let out a sigh when Dana nodded. "So what happened in there?"

"The Oracle was not like anything I expected. But the guy we're looking for? I know exactly where he'll be in two days." Dana recited the address from memory, pausing more than once to repeat herself. It was like the numbers and letters wouldn't hold still, shifting around in her memory.

"Yes!" Eulalie literally dragged Dana up the outside wall of the pillar and back to her computer room to look it up. She hopped into her sling and began typing frantically. "So did you happen to get a name?"

"No. I was so focused on a location, I didn't ask for a name. Everything went to shit after, so..." Dana watched the monitors light up as Google loaded, then Eulalie typed the address in. Once she saw it from somewhere other than the Oracle, the memory affixed itself in her mind.

"Shit!" Eulalie slammed her hand on the keyboard, sending a spray of broken keys across the desk. "This is bullshit!"

Dana stared at the information that had come up. The address wasn't to a home, or even a simple business. It was an event center. In two days time, their quarry was going to be inside a building capable of holding thousands of people.

"Maybe it'll be empty?" She knew it was a stupid hope, but Eulalie's cheeks had turned bright red in frustration and she wanted to be the optimistic voice in the room.

"Hardly. Packed to capacity." The Arachne was now using her phone. "Apparently some big shot mother fucker is giving a performance there, or something. Looks like tickets are sold out."

"So we're going to have to track a demon in a massive crowd of people." Already, she dreaded being caught in the press of that many living bodies. The smells alone would likely overwhelm her. "Guess it could be worse."

Eulalie grunted and leaned back in her hammock. "I suppose so. We need to figure out a way to identify a demon in a man suit on sight, then track the asshole somewhere we can safely gank him. I bet Ratu could help us with the first, and I can do the second. This is so fucked up."

"Yeah, sorry." Dana felt bad. "Are we at least going to see a good show?"

"Nah, some televangelist is reading excerpts from his new book. Guy named Deacon Osgrove. You ever heard of him?"

Dana shook her head. "No, but I guess I'd better find a way to get front row seats. I can't imagine a demon would go to see the guy and willingly sit in the nosebleed section."

Eulalie snorted. "Lily is going to be pissed, looks like the two of you are essentially going to a big church service."

Dana sighed. Once the succubus cooled down, she'd tell her the bad news. For now, it looked like a trip to the Labyrinth to see Ratu was in order.