Dead and Horny Ch. 14

Hi, all! It's the season for spinoffs and I'm back with the sequel to Dead and Horny!

New reader? Yeah, start at Home for Horny Monsters. This is the sequel to the spinoff that happened during book 3. It's complicated.

Returning reader? Welcome back, I missed you! I've appreciated the positive feedback on the last chapter and I hope the rest of the story doesn't disappoint. Not only do I get to expand HFHM lore outside the scope of Mike and the gang, but it also gives me a break from the main story to refocus my efforts.

That and I get to channel my inner Lily. I recommend this process to everyone, especially if you deal with difficult people.

Anyway, thanks for all the love, I couldn't keep doing this without you, make sure to check my bio for scheduled posts (like Book 7, coming soon!!!), and I hope you enjoy this chapter, because we're about to see our friend,

The Oracle

The last time Dana had broken into a top secret Order facility, she developed severe heavy metal toxicity, took a bullet in the head, and went on a trip through time in an Elder god's filthy mouth. She would have felt more apprehensive about this go around if she hadn't found herself staring at a map of the facility as well as a couple of detailed pictures of the Oracle chamber that Zel had drawn up after letting Lily into her dreams to see it.

Dana was in Eulalie's room again, the Arachne hanging from her web right in front of Dana.

"Tea?" Eulalie offered a mug to Dana.

"Thanks." She took it more out of habit than anything else. When you didn't need to eat or drink, you soon noticed just how much time people spent doing so while in each other's company.

Eulalie's rats stood around the table conferring with each other over the chamber drawings. They chittered in a mixture of sounds often punctuated with bits of English. Some time ago, the rats had realized it would be a good idea for more of them to pick up the language, but their mouths weren't conducive to speaking human languages. Some, like Reggie, had no difficulty pronouncing words, and Dana suspected it had something to do with snout size.

Eulalie, to her credit, had picked up a bit of rat-speak. It was amusing to hear the Arachne chitter at her subjects, because there were times she would mispronounce something, and Dana could have sworn she could hear the rats laughing at her.

"So where's Lily?" The Arachne sipped her chamomile tea and rubbed the egg in her lap affectionately. It was strapped to her belly with thick strands of sticky webbing that sometimes collected small items, like paperclips or pens.

"Stocking up on man juice." Dana leaned back in her chair and sipped at the tea. To her, it had almost no taste at all. Since tea was just flavored water, she assumed her body processed it somehow.

"Ah. Straight from the source?"

"If you close your eyes, you can almost hear Mike gasping for air." Dana smirked. "Yeah, she's convinced shit is going sideways, and I agree. We're about to essentially teleport directly into the deepest part of an Order base to talk with their resident psychic. Lily believes we'll get maybe ninety seconds, if we're lucky."

"Then you'd best prepare your questions." Eulalie turned toward her computer monitor and looked at the rats. The rodents all faced her and one chittered. "Sounds like they're ready."

"You're not having them chew their way in from here, right?"

"Of course not. First I'm going to have them open a few portals that we can easily collapse. Kind of like bouncing a signal all around the planet so it can't be traced." Eulalie tapped some keys and a global map appeared with red circles on it. "Five different locations, all untraceable. Three of these are government facilities that have been abandoned in foreign countries, so that may give them false leads, assuming they even track you that far."

"You're sure they're abandoned?"

Eulalie snorted, then leaned backward in her web so far that she actually turned upside down, her dangling hair sweeping along the floor.

"Girl, please." When she winked, it was just with one of her human eyes. The arachnid eyes all along her forehead eerily reflected Dana like security mirrors in a convenience store, scrutinizing her in whatever bands of light Eulalie could see. The Arachne twisted until she fell free, one hand wrapped protectively around her sister's egg. "Let's get you back to the nursery."

Having nothing better to do, Dana followed her friend aimlessly into the room where Velvet's egg spent a good chunk of its time. Arachne eggs were notoriously hardy, and capable of hatching in very short amounts of time if needed. However, the Arachne inside had a much better chance of success if given a proper incubation period. Time didn't technically pass in the Library, so the egg stayed here only when neither Eulalie or Mike could safely watch it.

A pair of rats with hand-crafted aprons were waiting nearby. When Eulalie set the egg in its nest of blankets, the rats brushed some smudges that looked suspiciously like Cheeto dust off of the egg's shell.

Eulalie stepped back and contemplated the egg, her features suddenly hard to read.

"When your girlfriend died, how long was it before you would wake up in the morning and know that she was gone?" Eulalie's fingers pulled at a piece of webbing she produced from a pocket on her skirt.

"Not until I died, honestly. And only because my brain is like a tiny computer now. If I actually slept, I imagine I would wake up and it would be like I had simply closed my eyes and jumped into the future by several hours." She put a hand on Eulalie's human thigh. She would have put it on her friend's shoulder, but the Arachne was too tall. "It's not something I ever got over, and I don't think it ever goes away."

"I know, but...all these feelings are just so...heavy. When I'm in the middle of something, I'll forget that she's not around anymore and I'll call out for her to come check it out, or make a note to mention it later to her, and..." Eulalie put a hand over her mouth. "Oh, fuck, this is so the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?"

"Preaching to the choir is more appropriate." She patted Eulalie's leg, marveling at how thick the muscles felt beneath her skin. If Dana were to crack her friend open, she imagined she'd taste like crab with butter sauce. "We're both entitled to our grief, just because my dead brain is all fucked up doesn't mean you have to walk on eggshells around me."

Eulalie snorted. "Was that intentional?"

"What?" Dana looked at the egg. "Oh, shit, no. I would rather die than tell puns about your egg baby."

"I adore your dead girl humor." Eulalie approached the egg and put her hand on its swirled gemstone surface. "Sometimes, I can feel her moving. Do you want to feel?"

"Not really." She contemplated the egg. "Part of me is afraid I'll hurt the egg. Zombie strength, you know? But I also worry that I'll screw her up. I've heard how she zaps people, like Mike does, from inside her shell. What if my condition can affect her?"

Eulalie picked up the egg and turned around. "Touch it."

Dana considered the glossy surface of the egg, noting how the light diffracted off the colorful swirls adorning its surface.

"Wow, these are shiny." Dana stared at the small cluster of colored dice that had been dumped on the wooden table in front of her. She picked up the d20 and held it up like a jeweler appraising a gemstone. "Are these made of gems?"

"Yeah, but they're junk quality," Velvet replied, going through a small collection of leather pouches, each one adorned with a different symbol. "Mom and Dad used to supplement their income by selling bits of gold and ore they might come across. For obvious reasons, she was really good at spotting stuff like that. These were made from some bigger pieces that couldn't be cut down without cracking. The d10 has a crazy flaw through the middle that looks like a lightning bolt."

"I see." Dana set the die back down and considered the collection. "How did you guys make these?"

Eulalie picked up the d20 and gave it a test roll. "Uncle Foot did most of the work and got them to the right size. Dad cut the angles using his tools, and Mom carved the numbers. I like to use this set whenever I play a magic caster."

"What are you playing now?" asked Dana.

"Druid." Eulalie pulled a bag over and emptied it on the table. "These are carved from deer bones."

"Are all of them hand-made, then?" She looked across the small collection of bags. The girls had invited her to play a game of Dungeons and Dragons with them and she had accepted. The occupants of the cabin had been a huge surprise for her, but she had quickly latched onto both of them. Eulalie was a big nerd, and had been eager to add someone else to the party.

"Yep. Not exactly like there's a lot to do out here." Velvet laughed. "Well, that's not true anymore now that we have internet. The nineties, though, they were rough. It was still just books and the occasional movie, so arts and crafts was absolutely our thing."

"Mom made a bunch of these bags." Eulalie picked one up and gave it a gentle toss in the air. "I like that she still gets to be a part of our adventures, even though she's gone."

"I know that feeling." Dana sighed and sat back in her chair, thinking of her dead girlfriend's motorcycle. "You want to feel like you're carrying a piece of someone forward, that they somehow still exist. Which they do. Know that for a fact, actually."

"Oh?" Velvet perked up at Dana's words. "Is it because of the whole zombie thing?"

"Partially. I live with a woman whose job it is to escort people to the afterlife. Unless she's a supernatural con-artist, I'm inclined to believe there's enough evidence."

"She's lying." Eulalie's tone was flat. "Technically, Dana doesn't live with anyone cause she's dead."

"Don't mind my sister." Velvet picked up a bag of dice and threw it at Eulalie's face. The Arachne reacted quickly, catching the drawstring on one finger and allowing the bag to spin. "She can be a real bitch, sometimes."

"Cannot. Dogs only have four legs. And last time I counted..." Eulalie made a show of holding up her fingers.

"That just makes you a pair of bitches. Or a double bitch." Dana said, then winked at Velvet, who burst into laughter. "Unlike other dead girls, I can still do math."

Eulalie chuckled and set down the bag. "That's good to hear, because you're about to be doing a lot of it once you finish rolling up your character."

"Dana?" Eulalie's hand passed in front of Dana's eyes. "Hey, are you in there?"

"Fuck." Dana turned away from the egg and left the room, the memory of Velvet's laughter chasing after her. It was like the recording had gotten stuck on repeat in her mind, and she pressed her forehead up against the wall of Eulalie's room, tempted to smash her head until the thought dislodged. She had already started smacking her head when she smelled cinnamon and sulfur fill the room.

"Whoa, hey." Lily had sauntered into the room wearing an all black leather outfit, complete with knives on the sleeves. She grabbed Dana by the shoulders and pulled her away from the wall. "If you're trying out a new kink, you need to give the wall a safeword."

"I'm fine. It's fine." Lily's sudden arrival had dislodged the errant thought, allowing it to fade into the background. "What took you so long?"

"Went back for seconds." Lily burped, then rubbed her belly. "Maybe I'm paranoid, but it seems like we may want some extra juice in the tank for you."

"Isn't this just supposed to be a quick trip?" Dana asked.

Lily stared at her in disbelief.

Dana sighed. "Okay, yeah, our lives aren't ever that simple."

"Glad you see things my way. Everyone is happier when they do." Lily winked at Dana as Eulalie walked into the room. "Ah, there you are. Are we ready to go get our fortunes read?"

"Almost. Come this way." Eulalie left through the main entrance, and they followed her. The Arachne crawled down the side of the pillar to the floor below and disappeared into a tunnel. Lily took Dana by the hand and flew her down to the opening, where the two of them discovered a door that could be barred from the outside. In the room, a portal had been opened along the far wall, which had a solid portcullis made of three-inch thick steel hanging just above it. If someone dropped the metal, it would cut anyone coming through in half.

"I hate to tell you this, but once they start coming through there, it won't take them long to cut through that steel." Lily stood on her tiptoes to knock on the metal. "One good fireball would do it."

"It's got shaped charges built into the other side." Eulalie said this calmly, but Lily jerked her hand away from the door. "They'll detonate the wall, which will close the portal. Anyone in here gets dosed with nerve gas, but you two will be fine."

"Holy shit, that sounds so extreme." Lily just shook her head.

"It was the minimum necessary for Sofia to agree to this. Otherwise, we'd be doing this from Oregon." Eulalie crouched to step through the portal, and the others followed. They were in a concrete bunker with water dripping from the ceiling.

"Where are we now?" asked Dana.

"Better you don't know." Eulalie led them to the next portal. "Not because it's a bad idea, I don't want your minds getting read or whatever. Let's just say you're taking the shortest trip around the world ever." She smiled and waved to a pair of rats with a remote detonator in their hands who were monitoring the breach, and now they were in a log cabin on the edge of a rocky shore.

"Is that an iceberg?" Lily was looking out a window.

"This is definitely not the place you want to get stuck." Eulalie showed them a collapse mechanism for the cabin wall, then led them through the next few portals. They stopped at a brick wall that was glowing with its own inner light. A trio of rats were examining the edges of a chalk circle that had been drawn on the stone. Eulalie knocked on the wall and a ripple of light traveled outward. "They really have gotten better at stopping just before spatial breach. Ninety percent of what they do is instinct, but when we actually sat down and looked at the math--"

"Neeeeeeerd," Lily fake yelled between her hands.

"Eat my butt, basic hell girl."

"You're not ready for what I can do to your butt," Lily countered.

Eulalie, a self-described asexual, snorted in response. "So yeah, the Oracle is on the other side of this wall. Once you're through, you need to get answers and then bolt. Like all the other rooms, this one is wired to go, which will close it on their side. We have to assume we only get one chance at this, because they'll be on the lookout for another break-in like this one. Rat portals have been so rarely documented that it will take them time to figure out how we did it, but then they'll be ready. At a minimum, they're moving the Oracle somewhere new after today."

"Then let's do this." Dana moved in front of the wall and stared straight ahead.

"I love an eager beaver." Lily moved next to her. "I think I'm gonna ask him if my crush likes me first, and then find out which brother from Hanson is the best kisser."

"You both left your cellphones at home, right?" Eulalie was speaking from the edge of the exit portal.

"Yes, Mom," both Dana and Lily replied at the same time. The Arachne chuckled and left just as the rats began chewing away the final edges of reality.

The portal popped inward, then silently opened, the ragged edges of the portal glistening a multitude of colors. As they stepped through, Dana wondered what those edges would look like beneath a microscope. The way they sparkled, she wondered if she was seeing stars.

There wasn't much time for thinking though as they were deposited into a dimly lit room filled with entirely too much fog. The air tasted metallic, giving Dana flashbacks to her heavy metal poisoning in the Pit.

"Come closer, both of you." The voice sounded weird, as if two people were speaking but one was slightly off pitch. Lily shrugged at Dana and walked toward the voice. There wasn't far to walk, as the two of them now stood on the edge of a curved glass wall. Down below, a speaker grill was leaking mystery fog all over the room.

"Hello?" Lily knocked on the glass. "We're here to talk to a man about all my girlish dreams and I forgot to put money in the meter."

"Patience, demon." A dark shadow moved behind the glass, but Dana didn't get a good look at it. "You two are my first real visitors in quite some time, and I would prefer to savor your company."

"Are you the Oracle?" Dana asked.

"That is what some call me. It's preferable to other names, but a little low on dramatic impact, wouldn't you say?"

"Ugh. This asshole is stalling for time. We get it, you knew we were coming, now your buddies are on their way to give me a full cavity search. Well, let me tell you something." Lily drew the knives from her outfit. "I've got some deep, fucking cavities and I'm a biter."

"You're even more of a joy in person, but no. There is no quick response, not today. You see, the technician who was supposed to fix the grill so it wouldn't leak mist actually made a mistake while installing the seal. Right now, all the cameras can see is fog, and I'd prefer we take our time getting to know each other." The sinister shape moved closer to the glass, blazing red eyes appearing where its head would be. "What do you say, ladies?"

The mist curled away from the Oracle, revealing a hunched figure with massive wings. At first, Dana thought she was looking at a mutant owl, but the long, feathered antennae atop his head told a different story. When he moved, it was almost like the shadows chased after him, and she couldn't quite stare at any part of him long enough to remember it. He was amorphous, indefinable, and she couldn't tell where his face ended and his body began. The Oracle chuckled and placed a hand against the glass. When Dana looked at his fingers, she couldn't figure out exactly how many he had. Every time she counted them, the number changed.

"Oh, great," Lily whispered. "Another fucking bug. Just my luck."

Behind the glass, the Oracle chuckled again.

😈😈😈

When the private jet touched down on American soil, Tasia snorted herself awake and gazed around the cabin with bleary eyes. She was one of six passengers, all traveling on Order business. A mage and knight pair sat towards the back of the plane, casting wary glances in her direction, while the other three were researchers headed for the West Coast center. Yawning, she stretched until her ribs popped, then cracked open the shade to look outside.

It was a private airstrip concealed on an invisible island east of Boca Raton. After landing, she was greeted by a thin knight who drove her to the docks where they took a boat to the mainland. The sun was rising by the time she was picked up. Then it was a two hour trip into the depths of the Everglades. Winding dirt roads dominated the experience, and the thick vegetation obscured her windows, giving her very little to look at.

She nodded off again, the steady hum of the car lulling her to sleep. It was easier to nap in moving vehicles these days. They were isolated from the scents and sounds of the outside world. Unless someone rolled down a window to let them in, it gave her senses a much needed respite and she used it to sleep. When the car came to a sudden halt, she was wide awake, her hand on the hilt of her blade.

"Shit." The driver put the car in park and got out. They were on an unlabeled dirt road, surrounded on both sides by water-filled drainage ditches. In the middle of the road, a massive alligator had come to a halt. "We're just outside the wards, too."