Dead and Horny Ch. 15

Hi, all!

I hope you made it through the holiday season okay! I got to spend mine with family, friends, in-laws, and nearly every illness you could catch this winter.

New readers? Welcome! Totally don't start here. This is a sequel to a spin-off about a dude who found a house full of horny monsters. None of it will make sense. But you do you.

Returning readers? Welcome back! I've got a special surprise for you all with this chapter, because we're going to revisit a character who hasn't gotten much screentime as well as...well, you'll see.

As always, thank you all so much for indulging me in my side story hobbies. I know that many of you are far hungrier for the main storyline, but I'm working real hard to (hopefully) get back to writing three chapters a month again by the end of the year. That'll make my side projects a little less impactful.

Regardless, your ratings, comments, and feedback go a long way toward keeping this story moving! I couldn't do this without my readers here on Lit, and that means you!

Make sure you check my bio to see when next chapters pop, I try hard to keep to the schedule. I'd really hate to misinform you, because you might end up in a

Sticky Situation

The Labyrinth beneath the Radley home was far larger than the plot of land above it. From a rocky ridge that overlooked the subterranean structure, Dana contemplated the new configuration. At the center of the Labyrinth was Ratu's lair, and the naga was constantly shifting the stone walls around to protect against intruders.

Dana found the behavior a little odd, honestly. With so many protections external to the Labyrinth, it was strange for the naga to maintain such a high level of security. Then again, the last time an intruder had made it in here, Ratu had almost been killed.

After adjusting her shoelaces, Dana walked down the winding trail that would take her to the Labyrinth gates, pondering the interdimensional nature of the massive cavern beneath the house. Was it merely an expansion of the enchanted home, or was it an entirely separate dimension that had been grafted on after the fact? Reggie had once explained to her that it was simply another space between spaces that had been utilized to its fullest, but she wasn't sure she agreed with his explanation. She was curious about why the Labyrinth obeyed different rules than the greenhouse or the tower world, and strongly suspected that only Ratu knew the answer.

Dana approached the massive iron gates of the Labyrinth and stopped. Usually someone would be ready to greet her, but the entryway was quiet. She activated the mechanism that opened the gate. As she entered, a pair of rats appeared shortly after on the wall above. The rats used small hidden portals around the Labyrinth to act as sentries and had come to see what was happening. She gave them a wave. One of the rats waved back before disappearing from sight.

Once inside, she paused and looked to the left, then to the right. Recently, Ratu had started doing themes in the Labyrinth at Yuki's insistence. The kitsune had been spending more time with the naga ever since Ratu's near-death experience. Dana chalked it up to the reclusive naga facing her own mortality. Yuki and Ratu had a lot in common and had become fast friends. They could both shape shift, and while Ratu was a demigod, Yuki could become one someday. Their shared love of magic gave them plenty to talk about, and it wasn't uncommon to discover that Yuki had snuck away to hang out in the Labyrinth all day.

This month's theme was sandstone with glowing hieroglyphics carved into them. Jungle vines draped over the walls further in, and she could hear running water somewhere up ahead.

Dana waited a couple of minutes. It was strange that nobody had shown up by now to guide her. Usually it was Asterion, but he had been absent recently, spending the majority of his time with Beth in Oregon. Dana had heard through the rumor mill that Beth was focusing much of her energy on mastering her new nymph-granted magic, which apparently necessitated having sexy monster men around.

Naturally, that rumor mill was Lily. According to the succubus, Beth was getting so much man meat this summer that she could start her own sausage company.

The stray thought made Dana snort, and she covered her mouth as a relentless barrage of giggles escaped her. She eventually pinched her lips shut, rolling her eyes as she waited for her brain to reconnect to her mouth.

After five more minutes, Dana decided to start exploring. Whoever was supposed to meet her would find her eventually. Typically, the labyrinth was full of traps, but Dana had learned how to spot and recognize most of them. In fact, she had actually helped Ratu develop some newer traps that were more modern in design. For example, one of the Ratu's favorites was a trigger in the middle of a hallway that would initiate streams of fire that came from the walls.

With Dana's help, Ratu now had an obvious floor panel that activated poorly hidden fire geysers. The trap was psychological in nature, because if you tried to go around the panel in the floor, you triggered the smashing plates that crushed you into jelly. The only way to bypass the new trap was to deliberately step on the panel itself, which would create a burst of fire in the hopes of startling you onto the hidden triggers.

There were a few other traps Dana had helped build. Her personal favorite was a section of wall that looked roughly like a hidden doorway. The stone was a shade lighter than the rest, and an unnecessary torch hung nearby. It was meant to lure people into messing with the torch, which would open a pit full of spikes while bathing the area in flames.

Ratu really liked her fire traps.

While Dana navigated the initial hallways of the maze, a flickering blue light came down from above and hovered in her field of vision.

"Cerulea, is that you?" Dana watched the light transform into a tiny fairy with a blue body.

"Hi!" Cerulea waved excitedly at Dana. The fairy was a cross between a human and a blue beetle. The curviest of her siblings, little blue wings clicked behind Cerulea as she hovered, making the fairy sound like a cicada. "I didn't know you were coming today."

"Unplanned visit is all," Dana replied. "I need to talk to Ratu about tracking a demon. Who was supposed to be watching the front?"

"Uhhhhh..." Cerulea made a face. "That was supposed to be us, but we got distracted."

"You don't say." Dana didn't bother chastising the fairy. The fairy sisters were sweet, but struggled to concentrate on any task for a long period of time. Well, with the exception of Daisy. If Ratu had put them in charge of the entrance, it was likely that the naga had been trying to get the fairies out of her hair. "Can you lead me to the center?"

"Sure!" Obviously excited not to be in trouble, Cerulea turned into a blue ball of light and zoomed along the hallway. Dana jogged behind the fairy, who sped up until the zombie was running at a sprint.

At top speed, the trip through the labyrinth wouldn't be very long. Cerulea guided Dana through unseen shortcuts, many that seemed nonsensical. Dana's heightened strength and reflexes allowed her to easily hop low walls and swing across a small gorge. She had actually spent part of late spring taking private free-running lessons at a local gym. Her thirty-something instructor had been nice enough, though it was clear he thought she was into him. It wasn't his fault that he mistook her longing looks for lust--the guy had smelled like fresh grilled steak and his muscles looked delicious.

Her progress in the class had been fast enough that her instructor had eventually suggested she begin training with a more experienced female instructor who worked there. Dana figured that her accelerated learning coupled with the hungry looks she kept throwing his way had become red flags for him. She agreed to the transfer, but then quit the gym entirely before drawing any more attention to herself.

While running, she thought about her meeting with the Oracle. The enigmatic being had become a riddle for her to unravel, and she replayed their conversation in her head over and over, convinced that he had left a trail of crumbs for her to follow.

To begin with, what sort of being was the Oracle? She was fairly certain it was eldritch in nature, related to the ancient being she had the misfortune of encountering the previous fall. That one had dreamed up a monstrosity that had swallowed her and Lily whole, then barfed them up a week into the past. Creatures who didn't obey the rules of time and space were extremely dangerous, and she wasn't keen to interact with another.

The Oracle had been far friendlier than the creature in the Pit, which made her worry that the danger it presented was far more subtle. Would taking advice from such a creature lead her to ruin? Or maybe she could take the Oracle at face value, she had no good way of telling.

Cerulea led Dana across a rickety rope bridge that swayed over what could have been Class 4 rapids. There was a fairly large river that ran through the Labyrinth, eventually terminating in a large lake. Dana wondered if Ratu had gotten around to installing the glass ribbons in this section of the river, but had no desire to find out on her own. It had been another idea Dana had given the naga, a way to build a defense into the river without importing and feeding piranhas.

She had found Ratu a razor sharp material that shared the same index of refraction as water, meaning it was essentially invisible while immersed. Anyone who chanced a swim risked being shredded apart by unseen blades. Ratu had seemed particularly interested in this defensive measure when first mentioned, as the river was a bit of a weak point.

The trip to the center of the Labyrinth took nearly thirty minutes, and Dana wondered if Cerulea had taken them on a longer path by accident. When they arrived, Dana was greeted by the sight of a large chamber with walls piled high with treasure. Gold, silver, and gems of varying value had been shoved into one corner while magical artifacts that had been scattered around the lair, were laid out on clearly marked tables and shelves.

Dana looked around the chamber for any sign of Ratu. She was a powerful sorceress with an expertise in the transfer and infusion of magical objects. Some day, Dana hoped that this knowledge would include reversing her undead condition. When she had been killed, a necromancer had bound her soul to her body, meaning that she could never properly cross over into the afterlife.

Ratu was fairly certain she could figure out a way to fix Dana, but Dana wasn't sure how much of that was optimism. Last fall, Dana had gone on a trip across the United States trying to track down magical objects. According to Ratu, the combined enchantments of these items could theoretically unlock Dana's soul from her physical body.

It was kind of silly that all Dana wanted in life was death, the same thing that every other creature had a natural right to. The thought of being trapped in a decaying body as the universe went cold and dark was a terrifying proposition. Luckily, Dana only experienced that particular terror during her random outbursts. It was usually mixed in with everything else, so got lost in the shuffle.

Over by Ratu's pavilion was a stack of metal drums that had been tipped on their sides. Dana knocked on one, revealing it was empty. She moved to the door of the structure and knocked to announce herself.

When nobody answered, she let herself in. The pavilion was magical in nature, being bigger on the inside, just like the rest of the Radley house. From the entryway, she could look straight up and see almost a dozen levels that eventually terminated in an upper floor that she knew had become Ratu's personal quarters after her injury.

The staircase wrapped around the wall of the pavilion like a giant spiral staircase with intermittent landings that allowed entry into several different rooms on each floor. As Dana climbed the stairs, she got glimpses into some of Ratu's research projects, some in the middle of progress and others abandoned (or so she suspected). When she got close to the top floor, she heard sounds and spotted movement through one of the doorways.

These days, Ratu spent most of her time in this room. Dana walked in and saw a large acrylic tank in the middle of the space. It stood about four feet high on the sides and had been mounted to wheels. The tank was filled with a blue fluid that burbled as if in greeting.

"I guess she's not home." Cerulea flitted around and landed on Dana's shoulder.

"Where else could she be?" asked Dana.

The fairy shrugged. "Somewhere in the Labyrinth, I suppose."

Dana moved to the vat of fluid. "Let's ask. Opal?"

She tapped on the side of the tank and took a step back. The blue fluid bubbled and coalesced until roughly half of it had formed into the upper torso of a woman.

The woman's body was reminiscent of Beth. Opal was a slime girl that had been accidentally created using Beth's DNA as a template. Lacking the ability to vocalize sounds, Opal greeted Dana with a series of hand signs.

"Good morning," signed Opal. "How are you today?"

"I'm good," Dana replied, signing and speaking at the same time. Even though Opal could hear, Dana's photographic memory had allowed her to learn ASL on an advanced level. Opal's knowledge of ASL had been copied from Beth's memories, meaning that she was limited to words Beth already knew. Conversing with Dana gave Opal the opportunity to learn and practice new words should they come up. "Any idea where Ratu is?"

Opal went through a series of signs, mixing up her words. She frowned and started over, spelling out many of the words. "She's bringing in more material in an attempt to stabilize my structure," she replied.

Dana nodded. This was a familiar dilemma. When Opal had been created she had been capable of forming a lower body and even walking around. However, after taking a powerful magical attack that had blown her apart, she now had trouble maintaining a solid consistency. The poor ooze was confined to a tub until she could recover and learn how to regain her form and walk once again.

Ratu had narrowed her studies on this matter, focusing largely on polymer chains and trying to figure out what she could add to Opal's body to enhance the molecular structure of the ooze. It was likely the empty barrels below were chemicals that the naga had obtained in an effort to rebuild the slime girl.

"Do you think she'll be back soon?" asked Dana.

"Ith thith thoon enough?" Ratu replied from the doorway. Dana turned around to see Ratu in her snake form. The naga was dozens of feet long with a head large enough to swallow a man whole. She carried a metallic barrel in her mouth and had spoken around it.

Ratu set down the drum next to Opal's tub and then transformed into her human form. When she finished her transformation, she collapsed onto a nearby sofa, huffing and puffing. Cerulea flew over to the chair and turned her back to Ratu, then fluttered her wings to create a cooling breeze.

"You're overdoing it." Dana shook her head. "You're supposed to be taking it easy."

Ratu shrugged, then held out her arms to reveal that some of her scales were cracked and bleeding.

"I have not gotten this far in life by taking it easy. My recovery has been a long journey already." Ratu turned her face into Cerulea's breeze and sighed. "Yet I fear it will be several months yet before I am back at full health. Usually Asterion helps me with these barrels, but he has been notably absent recently."

"Do you need my help bringing any more up?'' asked Dana.

Ratu shook her head. "No, this is it. But I will need to go to my room and rub some salve into these lesions to keep them from getting infected." The naga rolled her eyes dramatically. "I will admit that I have grown tired of my inadequacies, and greatly look forward to the next time I shed."

Dana moved to a nearby chair and sat. "Unless you need my help, I'll just wait here."

Ratu nodded and, using a cane she pulled from her robes, limped toward the doorway.

After the naga was gone, Dana shook her head and looked at Opal. "She tries too hard. I wish she would take it easy."

"Only because she cares," signed Opal. "My problem frustrates her on a daily basis. Not enough progress."

Dana nodded in agreement. "I absolutely know that feeling. For example, my telescope project still hasn't borne any fruit." The logical part of her brain made it a priority to point out that a non-functional telescope hardly compared to what amounted to a physical disability. Dana's own problem had seen no progress, but at least she was able to go do whatever the hell she wanted.

She'd likely cringe at the statement in the days ahead.

"I don't suppose you brought me anything to read?" Opal asked.

"As a matter of fact, I did." Dana pulled out a kindle that she had put into a plastic bag and handed it over. "Sofia loaded a bunch of books on here she thought you'd like. You should be able to use it through the plastic."

Opal took the kindle and tapped the screen. A big grin appeared on her face. "This is far better than destroying books as I read them," she signed, then glanced over at a miserable looking pile of books in the corner. Those had been Amymone's leftovers; the dryad didn't care much about most books after she had read them. Opal was unable to touch things without leaving a small remnant of herself behind, which meant that she was always running out of her own body fluid. Dana could see blue smudges on the covers, and the pages were wrinkled from humidity.

Luckily, the slime girl was capable of transforming any moisture into more of herself, but that meant she had to get it from somewhere. Dana suspected that the barrel was meant to top Opal off. She popped it open and took a sniff.

"Is that petroleum?'' she asked.

Opal nodded, her attention already on the kindle. "It's some sort of blend," she signed. "You can't tell from out there, but I'm running low."

"Do I just pour it in?" Dana felt that would be an easy way to help the naga out.

Opal paused and looked at Dana. "Yes, but if you're going to do that, could you move the kindle? Just in case."

"Of course." Dana took the kindle back from Opal and moved it to the other side of the room where a large table covered in textbooks had been set up. Dana realized that most of these books were on molecular theory and had been written in at least six different languages. Frowning, she wondered just how much Ratu had been teaching herself in order to help the slime girl to regain her human form, preferably without leaving a slime trail everywhere she went.

Magic and science rarely seemed to work together, but it now occurred to Dana that understanding how things worked on a molecular level would inevitably give Ratu an edge. The naga could use magic to surpass the limitations of science, but needed to increase her own knowledge base first. Dana wondered how many magic users would be willing to delve so deeply into science, or even had the intelligence and patience to get that far.

That was food for thought. With her new memory, Dana could have so much knowledge memorized, but it wasn't the same as application. She was essentially a chess computer that would know all the potential moves in advance, but would be unable to go more than a couple of moves out.

Shaking her head, Dana walked over to the barrel. This was something she could do without much brain power at all. She grabbed it by the rim and lifted. The thing weighed at least three hundred pounds, with the liquid inside sloshing as she carried it. Her permanent strength upgrade allowed her to lift things as if she was constantly undergoing an adrenaline rush. That was a fact grounded in science more than magic, but Dana didn't understand how it happened.