Dead and Horny Ch. 22

"Probably no deeper than this." Lily started to say something else, but held a finger to her lips as a ripple went through the hallway. Mike waited for nearly a minute as Lily checked in on Deacon, who had become suspicious. She allowed him to take control of the dream long enough that he relaxed his grip on the foundation.

"He almost woke up." Mike spoke once Lily had returned. "His mind is strong."

"He's been trained." She looked down the hallway. "Like you said, misdirection. If these are the things he wants us to see, then where does he keep the juicy bits?" Lily gestured down the hallway, which was so long that it disappeared into darkness.

"We need to think like him. That trap that Legion left, it wasn't for you specifically. It was for a demon. This right here? It's a mess for anyone who gets in. What kind of person would invade his mind?"

Lily rolled her eyes and jacked off an invisible penis. "You're stating the obvious."

"But why would a demon be here in the first place? This is something they planned for, they expected someone to come snooping around. Didn't Deacon mention a demon popped by not long ago?"

"He did, but so what? Hey, where are you going?" She watched as Mike picked a door at random and walked inside. Deacon was on stage, holding both hands in the air as the crowd sang Hallelujah.

"Everything is about layers, right? If we dug long enough, would we find a room under lock and key? I almost bet we would. But that's because a demon would expect the best secrets to be kept in there." Mike skipped down the steps and jogged toward the stage. "And when they force it open, perhaps another trap. Or maybe Deacon has a dead man's switch, and he just dies."

"Dark, but your logic is solid."

"Of course it is." Mike climbed onto the stage and turned to hold his hand out. "I'm just a sexier manifestation of your subconscious."

"I wish you acted more like this in real life," she replied, allowing him to help her onto the stage.

"No you don't." He winked at her. "But that's okay."

"Maybe I should start locking up my thoughts," she muttered as Mike moved next to Deacon and started looking around. He finally grinned and picked up Osgrove's personal Bible.

"I think it's this," he said, handing it over to Lily.

"Really? Why?"

"Where better to hide the truth than the Bible?" Mike laughed. "It's classic misdirection. Hide the answer in plain sight. We both know the man is full of shit, so why would we even consider looking at this thing? It's in almost every memory, but we assume they're all about him anyway."

"You almost have me convinced," she muttered, then opened the Bible to a random page. A tiny door appeared on the surface of the book's pages. "Damn. I didn't expect this at all."

"Of course you didn't." Mike took the book from her and set it on the ground, pages open. "But that's because you're still mostly a demon."

"What else am I?"

Spirit Mike laughed. "I guess we'll find out together." He stepped onto the book and the two of them shrank down, now standing in the crease of the spine. The letters beneath them lifted free of the paper and circled their legs like hungry fish as Mike moved to the door and put his hand on the knob.

"Shall we see what's behind door number two?" he asked.

"I hope it's a car," she replied as Mike pushed open the door.

It most definitely wasn't.

The creatures of the swamp had gone dead silent as Eulalie stalked her prey from the trees. It had been simple enough to chase down the first couple of demons, but that had allowed time for the rest to flee the property, followed by the undead. Realizing that a zombie outbreak would be much worse than letting Legion escape, Eulalie had prioritized smashing their skulls with Mace.

The shouts of panicked men carried across the compound as the rest of the security forces came rushing back in. She didn't dare try to head back until their numbers dwindled. Her escape route in the attic was still an option, but she really wanted to make sure she brought the others through with her.

Realizing her options were limited, she decided to catch a few more stragglers as well as plan for more. Pulling sticky webs from her spinnerets, she was already weaving some snares as she raced ahead of Legion's flock. There were plenty of stones and rotting logs to use as counterweights, and she was able to snag a demon early on. The man howled obscenities at her, but this only served to draw in some of the zombies she had missed. This bought her some more time to catch the others who had gotten away.

From high up in the trees, she could see enough of the infrared spectrum that her prey were essentially glowing lights moving between the brush. The demons tended to run hotter than the humans she had seen, a fact which she found slightly interesting. The armor on her skin was dark enough that she was little more than a shadow at night, leaping silently through the trees.

Mace was less subtle. Her sentient weapon blasted through rocks and bushes, often catching Legion off guard. There was no mercy given, and the mace seemed to understand that any of these former men and women could turn later on. In this, Eulalie was also methodical. Nothing of the brain could survive if she wanted to avoid the zombie apocalypse.

It was still really icky, though.

The activity in the woods died out quickly, even as the sounds of gunfire intensified at the church. From her perch, she spotted one last demon crouched down in the underbrush. With a smirk, she manipulated some webbing in her hand as she moved toward the young woman.

Dropping down from above, Eulalie fastened the noose she had made around the demon's neck. When Legion tried to run, she yanked hard enough to rip the demon off her feet.

"Nice try," she commented, then pounced. It took only a few seconds to bind the demon's hands and feet before strapping her down against a tree.

This meatsuit was a woman in her late twenties, her blonde hair caked in dirt, blood, and mud. She wore a sweater with a college logo, and had acne scars all along her neck. When she glared at Eulalie, her eyes turned red and glowed.

"Who are you?" demanded the demon.

"No one of consequence." It was one of Eulalie's favorite lines from a movie.

"Hardly," spat Legion. "It's clear you're working with them. But why?" The demon lowered her gaze to Eulalie's body. "And how are you here? Your kind was exterminated almost a century ago."

She contemplated the demon, then reached out and grabbed the palm of the woman's hand. With barely any effort, she used her thumb to break a finger.

"You think that will hurt me?" Legion chuckled. "All you're doing is hurting the woman I have trapped in here with me."

"Please. I know that demons lie if not asked directly." Eulalie snapped another finger, and Legion actually winced.

"Okay, so maybe I feel it too," Legion confessed. "But it's very--OW!"

"You've got seven left, don't be a baby." Eulalie moved to break another finger, then paused. What was she even doing here? This version of Legion was no different than any other, so why toy with her?

"Cruelty," Legion spat, sweat beading up on her forehead. "Your kind is always about the cruelty."

"Not always." Eulalie broke another finger, making Legion wince. "I knew an Arachne once who was kind and gentle. Probably the best of our kind, to be honest." This time, she pinched the base of Legion's thumb and applied just enough pressure that the demon's eyes bugged out of her head. "And you took her from me."

"Please, I think I would remember squashing a--FUCK!" Legion screamed as Eulalie crushed the metacarpal. "Why are you doing this?"

"Catharsis, honestly." Eulalie grabbed Legion's other hand.

"No, wait." The demon gasped for air, then swallowed. "Seriously, tell me what you want. There has to be an agreement we can make."

"Two things, honestly." She curled a finger around Legion's. "I plan to find you, you know. Not this version of you, the real one, Legion Prime. I'm going to find out where you're hiding and then I plan to make you suffer. If I'm lucky, that will happen tonight. Even if you run out of bodies and go to Hell, I'll summon you back. It'll be a party."

"But I don't understand." Legion started crying, but stopped when Eulalie slapped her.

"Don't bother." The Arachne shook her head. "Maybe if I was my sister, I would be fooled. She might have even let you go. That's the part of her I miss the most, honestly."

The demon chuckled, her eyes suddenly dry. "It was worth a try."

"I get that." Eulalie tilted her head and listened to the distant sounds of the forest. "But back to your questions. You see, you took her from me. Tangentially, I might add. So I've decided to take everything from you. After tonight, you're gonna be low on bodies, right? Well guess what? I'll find all of them. Snip, snip, snip," she said, miming scissors with her hands. "I intend to cut you out of this world."

"Yeah, you said that already." Legion rolled her eyes.

"Sorry, I'm new at this." Leaves rustled nearby, but Eulalie ignored them. "But that also brings me to the other thing I want."

Legion opened her mouth to ask. Eulalie grabbed the demon's lower jaw and yanked, pulling it so hard that it broke away. All that kept it connected was the skin of the demon's face. She screamed in agony, bashing the back of her head against the tree as she writhed.

"I needed more bait," Eulalie said as she jumped up into the tree. Down below, three zombies came out of the bushes and started feasting on Legion. A fourth one showed up, crawling on the ground and dragging its legs. With a whistle, she summoned Mace, who made quick work of the corpses below. Now that her work in the swamp was done, it was time to get back to the church.

She swung by her traps and finished off anyone who remained. The Legion that had been hanging upside down was now in two pieces on the ground, surrounded by zombies that consumed him. Though Eulalie had gotten used to the cracked coconut sound of a head exploding, that didn't mean she wouldn't hear it in her dreams forever.

Satisfied that this wave of escapees had been taken care of, she left the swamp and was back on church soil. There were a few clusters of bodies around the building, but the gunfire had diminished. Eulalie spotted a few runners, but sent Mace after them. It was time to get back inside and see what she could do to help.

She was almost to the front door when she was caught in the headlights of a large town car. The vehicle slowed and came to a stop nearly twenty feet away. Blinded by the lights, Eulalie stepped to the side to get a better look at the newcomer.

A monster of a man stepped out of the driver's seat, causing the shocks of the vehicle to sigh in relief. He was wearing a duster and a wide-brimmed fedora.

"Now isn't this a surprise," he said in a deep voice. Though his words were calm, his dark silhouette generated terror in Eulalie. "Just minutes ago, a young man shot rounds at my car just to get my attention. Before I could pull out his spine, he informed me that I needed to come back right away because Osgrove had the wolf in his custody. But this? Even I couldn't have predicted this."

Eulalie's mouth opened and closed, but it was like she couldn't breathe.

Still hidden by the headlights, the Hat Man chuckled and took a step toward her. "You're almost the spitting image of my dear Octavia."

"Octavia?" Eulalie managed to push the word past her lips. She had never heard that name before.

"I dare say you wouldn't know her by that name, it was the one I gave her. I don't typically do that with my test subjects, but she was more special than the others." The Hat Man pulled off what looked like driving gloves. "I'm sure she's long deceased. What are you, four, five generations removed? I was under the impression your kind had gone extinct, which makes this an excellent--"

Mace shot over Eulalie's shoulder, spinning wildly like a top. The moment before impact, the Hat Man raised a hand and caught the head of the mace in the palm of one hand. His arm jerked around as Mace tried to escape, but the man's grip was too strong.

"Fascinating," he declared. "I've heard rumors, but to see such a beautiful thing up close? This, too, was worth my time."

"Let go of him." Eulalie found her voice as her legs flexed. "He doesn't belong to you."

"Ownership is such a loose term these days," the Hat Man declared as he gripped Mace in both hands. "I will be adding this to my Collection so that I can see what makes it work."

"I said let go!" The Arachne leapt forward, cocking her hand back. At the last second, she ducked out of the way, but the Hat Man grabbed her arm. His fingers tightened around the chitinous armor of her body, cracking it like an egg as it broke away in his hand. She was able to snag Mace's handle, but she was yanked off her feet as the Hat Man pulled.

"Such emotion is uncharacteristic of your kind. I daresay there's been a shift." He swatted Eulalie, shattering her protective armor. "I suppose I'll figure out more when I take you apart, too."

That sinister feeling of dread returned immediately. Eulalie, seeing no other way out, reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a small canister. The Hat Man laughed, the light from the car briefly touching his face.

"Is that what I think that is?" His skin was pulled tight across his skull, giving him a smooth complexion. "An Arachne carrying pepper spray, that is rich."

"It's not pepper spray, asshole." Eulalie clicked off all three safeties on the canister before pointing it at the Hat Man.

"There is nothing in that bottle that I--"

Eulalie shifted slightly so that the wind was at her back, then pressed the button. It was a special blend that Zel had made for her, intended solely for life or death situations. The pressurized mixture of nitrous oxide and Dragon's Breath came out in a thin stream that coated the Hat Man's face.

The Hat Man let go of Mace and stumbled backward, clutching his eyes. He made the mistake of trying to scoop it free, which meant the Dragon's Breath pollen dug even deeper into his skin. Shouting in anger, he stumbled about and bumped into his own car.

"Dragon's Breath? How?" He placed his palm on the car and hissed something in Latin. An eerie green field surrounded the vehicle. "I guess you're a survivor just like she was."

Eulalie backed away from the car, not sure what to expect. The Hat Man pulled a bloody rag from his coat and used it to open the door.

"Should we meet again, I'll be better prepared." He got into the car and fastened his seat belt. "I look forward to collecting you someday."

The Arachne said nothing. The town car's engine roared, and then the steering wheel turned by itself. After a quick U-turn, she was able to see a small coffin in the back of the vehicle, strapped down by chains. She had no idea what had just transpired, but one thing was clear.

She hoped she never ran across that fucker again.

"What in the actual fuck am I looking at?" asked Lily.

Spirit Mike frowned. "You know, I'm not entirely sure myself. But it's not what I expected."

They were standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at a beach. Below, a pair of figures were holding hands and laughing, the waves washing over their ankles. One of them was Deacon, easily twenty years younger. The other was a woman with long blonde hair in a white dress.

"This isn't the kind of salaciousness I expected." Mike looked to Lily. "Why hide this? It's nice."

"That's what I want to know." Back in the real world, Lily could hear shouting in the hall. It was unknown how long she would have before Legion found a way to bust in and rescue the slumbering pastor. "But evil is typically wrapped up in something that appears innocent and benign."

"Like bad hot sauce inside a burrito."

Lily stared at Mike. "Did you seriously just compare the battle between good and evil to a burrito?"

He shrugged. "It's not my fault that burritos are a universal language. What isn't there to like? It's a flour tortilla wrapped around whatever you want. Don't even get me started on a breakfast burrito, a good piece of bacon defines the whole thing."

Lily rolled her eyes and leapt from the cliff, her wings spreading wide to allow a casual descent. She might have been outside the memory, but could feel the walls of the dream shaking. Deacon was putting up quite the fight already, and that was just because of her presence here.

She watched Deacon and the woman with a frown. They were speaking, but their voices were buried by the sounds of the waves.

"It's like spiritual white noise," Mike commented from next to her. "So whatever they're saying is important."

"You're stating the obvious again."

"I could go back to talking about burritos."

"Don't." Lily felt like her whole being was wound tight like a spring. This incursion wasn't supposed to be so hard. It was likely that Legion had helped Deacon forge his mind this way. She noticed the woman had on a wedding band. "I'm guessing this is his wife."

"Would seem that way. Since we're solving a mystery, do you think--"

"Yeah, yeah." With very little thought, she changed her outfit to an orange, oversized shirt with a red bikini bottom. "Happy?"

Mike nodded. "Classic look with a beach aesthetic. I approve."

She couldn't help but grin. "Okay, let's see what we can do about the settings." Reaching out her hand, she opened up a panel in midair filled with sliding switches. She pulled one down slowly, causing the sounds of the ocean to diminish. A ripple went out across the memory and she waited.

"Very fragile in here," Mike remarked.

Lily didn't respond. She waited for the memory to stabilize, then finished muting the ocean. Putting her hand on another slider, she turned the volume up on the dialogue.

"Do you really think he can help us?" Deacon's wife tilted her head to one side. "It's not that I doubt you or my faith, but the Bible warns us about those who bear false promises."

Deacon chuckled, then turned to his wife. "Oh, my heart. It is natural to doubt. Have not all good men of God doubted at some point? Thomas? Gideon? Even Moses had his reservations. This is clearly a test, given from up on high. If we flee the call, then we are truly lost."

"Oh, barf," Mike muttered. "He even preached to his wife."

"Besides," Deacon continued. "Don't you trust me? I have found a higher calling, but the world doesn't know it yet."

"Of course I trust you." The woman's features softened. "Everything that I am is completely yours."

"Good." Deacon smiled and kissed his wife, then hugged her tight with his head on top of hers. The smile didn't reach his eyes.

"This is hardly damning," Mike said.

"Agreed. But it's clearly important to him." Lily moved to the edges of the memory and contemplated the threads holding it in place. "If I can just get this guy to nut, I'll have more time to figure it all out."

"Well, this is his wife." Mike made a circle with one hand and stuck a finger through it suggestively. "Instead of a sexy hookup with a fan, maybe a romantic memory?"

"Ugh." Lily scowled and plucked at one of the threads. "But yeah, that makes the most sense. What do you think?"

"I don't know. I have a suspicion that romance isn't his thing." Mike scrunched up his face. "Maybe he did something really kinky with her once? Some sexy nun and priest role play?"

"Potentially." The memory shook again and cracks formed along the edges of the scene. Lily studied the threads some more and was surprised to find that some of them had been braided together. "What do we have here?"

Using her hands and her tail, she managed to pull the threads wide to reveal a golden line of energy hidden between them. Just revealing it had an immediate effect on the ocean, which surged as if something came to life beneath its surface.