Deep Guilt Made The Slut My Whore

For My Love,

It has been 9 months since our initial discussions about what occurred during the first years of our marriage and the trauma those memories have caused me. I repressed those memories for many years, only to have them come flooding back when I came across the picture you took of Kathy at Jen's 2nd birthday. Yes, you told me about the sexual relations you had with her after we were married and I was present at the four swinging trysts we had with Kathy, Vinny and Stevie. But after the swinging stopped, you stopped talking about what was going on. I need you to fill in the blanks so I can understand why you cheated on me with Kathy both before we married and after the swinging stopped. Don't you think that after so many years I deserve to know the truth about how your attraction to each other developed? I don't feel threatened by your relationship with her, I just want to know how and why it happened. The fact of the matter is that the truth is the only thing that will heal the trauma I have been living with every day since these memories returned. Only you can heal my mind and soothe my soul. Remember, you made me cry. I need your understanding and help.

There are many things that trouble me that I have discussed with you, only to get an unsatisfactory reply like "I so don't remember that!" These events are so burned into my memory that I find your defensive absence of memory beyond belief. Since the "Scott" incident my trust in you has been destroyed .My gut feeling is that you have more memories about what happened that night than you are willing to share. Only when I told you, during our talks, that I was going to call Scott to get the details did you admit that you did handle his cock but that he probably wouldn't admit he couldn't get hard. This was after "swearing on the bible" that "nothing happened". But I still doubt that is the whole truth about that night. Your typical response when the subject of Scott comes up is, "There was no actual sex" and "I didn't fuck him." Just so you remember, the twenty minutes I spent searching for you only to find you in Scott's van is a recurring painful flashback. It is the most traumatic experience of my life and a memory that haunts me daily. I think this is the most important issue for us to discuss and resolve.

You promised to tell me if you recalled any memories of the past, but since our talks you have not provided a single word of clarification on any of these incidents. Then yesterday (3-15), after nine months of silence, you wanted to know why "I" didn't didn't stop Stevie from fucking you that first night we were swinging. That statement really confused me. To refresh your memory, that night I told you what I had seen and you denied that you fucked him. This was only an hour after our "swinging ground rules" talk, where I said that oral sex was alright but intercourse was not. Because of my statement excluding fucking, you may have chosen not to tell me about accepting his cock inside you. You knew I didn't believe you because you caught me trying to take your pulse while questioning you. Shortly after that night, I had to get the truth of what happened from Stevie. He said you told him not to cum in you and to pull out, So he came on your stomach.

I need you to be willfully forthcoming with information. If you can't then I have to become the inquisitor and I don't want to do that. So what do I need from you? If you want to help I would like you to recall any memories that come to mind beginning with when you started at the phone company. I am talking about your day to day recollections of office life, not just sexual stuff. Talking about what you do recall may bring back some forgotten memories. If you prefer, write down any recollections you have and we can discuss them later. Your willingness to talk about them will begin to restore my trust in you. This is a fifteen year block of your life we are talking about, you must recall something. Just tell me the truth. I have already forgiven you of anything you did in the past but if you want to regain my trust we must deal with the "blocked out" issues, if they do eventually resurface.

These are the type of questions that bounce around in my head and plague my mind at night: How did your relationship with Kathy begin, develop and end? When did it become intimate? My gut feeling is that you welcomed Kathy's advances long before our wedding, am I wrong? Did we take the apartment on Heath Street so you could be close to her? Was she involved with other men? Did you confide in each other? How did your friendship with Joanne H. begin? When were you aware of her infidelity with Bob S.? Did you approve of her cheating? What was your typical Saturday like?? What is the story behind the finger fucking/licking episode? Were you ever involved with anyone else? Did I do anything that made infidelity seem like a rational, appealing choice? I don't need names or sexual details, I just need to know how long the cheating went on. and when it stopped. Please, the truth will heal us both.

I know, my head is pretty messed up but that is what happens when the person you love destroys your trust in her, blocks any memory of the incidents, then recalls some details of the cheating many years later. All that time, I have been alone on an island of doubt and only you can rescue me. The truth will restore my trust in you. Please make that happen. We both need that to happen. - All My Love, Steve

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My Forever Love:

It hurts me when I see you in pain. I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I didn't really become friends with Kathy when I first started at the phone company. I hung around with Carleen & Joanie. It was a small office, and eventually you become friends with some of the other women. Kathy invited us to her wedding in November 2000. Close to our wedding, I had a problem with Pat M. She had said she put the money for her dress between the doors at my house one night. I didn't believe her, and I told her she wasn't in the wedding anymore. The other girls in the office knew about it, and Kathy offered to try on the dress. It fit, and she became the second bridesmaid.

First of all, we didn't take the apartment on Heath St. so I could be close to her. I didn't start going over to her apartment on Saturdays until after we were married and were living in our apartment. I wasn't with her long before we got married, so you're gut feeling is wrong. I'm trying to remember when it started, and if it was before or during the time of the 4 "swinging trysts". I think it may have been during the same time. I really don't remember exactly. It was 3 times. Then we were just friends, but the sex stopped. Then they moved into their new house, she had Carolyn in Aug '04, we moved here in Jan '05, and had Jen in Feb '05. We got together with the girls. She didn't tell me after that if she was with anyone else.

I don't know why I was even with Scott. You've said before when I'm drunk and stoned, I'm horny. It was true that nothing happened. I do remember touching it, and you're probably right that I put my mouth on it. He was impotent. You say that your gut feeling is that I have more memories of that night. How could anything have happened if he was impotent? I know this has been so traumatic for you. I'm so sorry for that. I never meant to hurt you like that.

Joanne H. also worked with me at the telephone company. I use to go with her and Arline to the meat place. That wasn't every week. I did know about Bob S. We socialized with her and Alan, and so did Arline and Dave. We liked Alan. I didn't approve of her cheating on him. I don't even know when she saw Bob other than work.

I think I just blurted out "WHY" last week rather than just saying it to myself. I'm sorry I confused you.

As far as the telephone company, there was nothing with anyone except Kathy. I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself for doing that. I wish it had never happened. That job from start to finish, was stressful. Most of the time I hated it. I think that the different jobs I had at the phone company and the hospital have caused PTSD about the phone now. I hate calling people now and talking to people.

You "didn't do anything to make infidelity seem like a rational, appealing choice."

You probably still won't think I'm telling you the truth, but this is what I remember. I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you.

I really love you and never want to be without you. Again, I'm sorry for hurting you and breaking your trust.

Love you,

Candy

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For My Love,

I Love You and appreciate your efforts in helping me deal with my doubts and fears from the early years of our marriage. I know you love me and care for me and want to help me get over the painful memories of the past. I realize these memories are painful for you also. We all make bad decisions from time to time But in order to help me recover you have to be able to recall and explain them. To banish them to some never visited portion of your mind will not help either of us. Only truth and honesty will free you from the guilt and regret they have caused you and the trauma, anxiety and pain they have caused me.

In reading your 600 word summary of our first 14 years together I found it brief and lacking the detail to make me feel confident you were being totally open and honest. So yes, I am disappointed. I'm sorry if that seems unfair, but I'm the one with the trust issues and I obsessively examine every statement you make. Your comment that nothing happened with Scott because he was impotent is ludicrous. His cock was exposed and being stimulated by your hands and mouth. That is a little more than nothing. Together we will construct an account of the conversations before and the events after you went outside with him.

The memory of New Years Eve is my most painful issue of all to deal with and I feel it is the one we should conquer first. All of my trauma episodes begin with that night and even though I know I don't have any answers to the questions flooding my mind they keep returning in wave after wave of hopeless irony. If we can vanquish this one memory my hope is that the other memories will also stop attacking me. What happened with Kathy and Stevie are minor issues compared to the secrecy of what happened with Scott. I witnessed you being sexually active with both Kathy and Stevie, so I knew what took place, and apart from you fucking Stevie and denying it, I was O.K. with you being intimate with them. It's the denying it took place that bothers me.

To put Scott in context, everyone has had recurring bad dreams that trouble them. I believe yours is that you are in school but you cannot find your locker and it makes you feel panicked and anxious. Well I am living the torment in my mind almost daily. I am standing outside of Scott's van and I don't know what is going on onside. After all these years I still don't know. Now that the trauma attacks have returned, I need to deal with this issue once and for all. The trauma is affecting my health. You witnessed my elevated heart rate during my most recent attack. Knowing the full story HAS to work. It will give me closure and put me back in control of my life. I don't want to think about next steps if it this doesn't work. Help me.

According to what you have told me, the incident with Scott would be the first and only time you ever cheated on me with another male. I can't say man because he had just turned 18 years old. He was just a boy and I hold you more responsible for what happened than I do him. You were 26. What was going through your head to make you decide that this was the guy you were going to betray your wedding vows for? I want us to create a story line that begins with the two of you talking in the living room, moves into the van and ends with me knocking on the van door. It took me 20 minutes to find you so we have at least 20 minutes of action in the van to account for, although it may have been longer.

Think long and hard about the events of that night. This was a milestone event in your life and I am sure vivid memories exist somewhere in your psyche. Bring them out in the open. The truth is the key to our future happiness together. I have prepared a list of questions that I hope assist us in recounting the events of that night. The questions are tough and to the point in hope of revealing what you have buried so deep in your memory. If you can explain the how and why of what happened that night I will no longer be standing on the outside of that van ignorant of the truth and in total darkness. You can make my nightmare vanish. You have to be the one to heal me. There are no guarantees this will work but we must try.

All My Love - Steve