Denial

When it was over he lay facing her and she snuggled into him. Was it disloyal to Bill to allow herself to know that, however good love-making had been with him, it had never been quite as wonderful as what she had just experienced? Perhaps it was. But Bill was dead. Ever since his death, when she heard people say, "Life goes on" she had shaken her head and closed her ears. But it did. It went on. The dead could bury their dead. For the living, love was still possible. She had lived without love for so long and she could live without it no longer.

But what was she doing, thinking of love? She had given herself to this man who lay beside her. An act of love? For her, certainly. But for him?

She sat up. 'I'm sorry.'

He was, clearly, appalled. 'Sorry? You're sorry? Did what we just did mean nothing to you?'

Now she was confused. 'I didn't mean...what must you think of me?'

He took her in his arms once more. 'Well, Sarah, I will tell you what I think. I think you are a lovely, caring woman who shared with me one of the most beautiful times of my life.'

'Oh.'

'What on earth did you think I thought?'

She hunched her shoulders. 'That I'm a slut.'

He put his hands on her shoulders. 'Sarah. If you were a slut we would have done this a long time ago. I've watched you and I've wanted you...'

'You wanted me?'

'...and I believe you have wanted me, too.'

'I have.' She said it very quietly. 'I wouldn't let myself know how much I wanted you.'

'And yet you call yourself a slut.' He stood up and hauled on a pair of pyjama bottoms, then handed her his dressing gown. 'Put that on to come downstairs while I make that coffee. And let's hear no more about sluts.'

The dressing gown was too big for her. It smelt of him. She wrapped it tight around her; she snuggled into it. They sat side by side on a sofa in the sitting room and drank their coffee. He put his arm around her. He said, 'I hope you're not going to say you don't want to see me again.'

'I...no.'

'That invitation to dinner. I'd like to accept it. But only if you'll go with me.'

She would love to go with him. 'As a couple?'

'As a couple. If you can bear the idea, as a couple who mean to be man and wife.'

She looked into his serious brown eyes. 'Oh, Ted. Oh, my darling.' Her eyes left his and went back to staring into her lap. 'Can I...can I stay the night?'

'My darling, I hope you'll stay with me every night for the rest of time.' He put his arms round her, hugged her close, kissed her. She kissed him back, ferociously.

Next morning, she told her employer that Ted would be his guest for dinner. 'He'd like to bring a partner.'

'Anyone I know?'

'Me.'

He looked at her. 'Well. All I can say is, it's about bloody time.'