Deportment in the Swinger Club

I will start with a disclaimer: since the pandemic eased off (but didn't completely disappear -- remember folks, it's still out there, so take care) I have attended swinger establishments on an average of every six to eight weeks. Overall, writing at the end of 2023, I estimate that I've been to a Swinger Club on roughly a dozen occasions, so perhaps not enough to count myself as an expert. But perhaps enough to have observed some common behaviours, and these are what I want to address here, particularly in relation to single guys who go to Swinger Clubs.

The Swinger Club Scenario

What usually happens is that my wife suggests that we go to our preferred club about a week ahead of time (or further out if there is an enticing theme advertised for a particular night), we make our reservation, and then I wonder: what kind of night will it be? It will either be a great night, lots of fun with amiable strangers, or it will be a night for just me and my wife because of a Plague of Creepy Guys, who we will have to spend at least part of the evening avoiding.

But what, pray, does this Plague of Creepy Guys look like?

I need to start by outlining how a Swinger Club will usually be laid out. The Club is most likely divided into three zones. The first zone is the Bar and Social Zone. Sex might happen there, but the main purpose of this zone is for patrons to relax, buy expensive drinks (one half of the Club's profit margin), and get to know each other. The second zone is the Spa Zone, with a sauna, massage area, perhaps a hot tub or even an indoor pool. Sex might happen here, too, but often the Club regulations will prohibit sex in the hot tub or pool (if there is one) for hygiene reasons. The third zone is the 'Action Zone,' which is where most of the fucking will occur. There will be separate rooms offering greater or lesser privacy, perhaps with themes or pieces of equipment, mirrored walls and ceilings, etc.

On arriving at the Club, the average patron will head for one of the first two areas until they feel like heading for the Action Zone. And it's then that the Plague of Creepy Guys will be encountered. This Plague will most likely be really off-putting to the first couples who enter the Action Zone, though they may be less of an issue once a greater number of couples (or perhaps even threesomes/groups) are scattered about.

But we have to ask a question: why is everyone at the Club? Well, to get laid, of course! (Though there may be the occasional patron who is there more as a voyeur -- in which case, the following isn't really addressed to them, and if that's you, then have fun and don't be too creepy about it.) Those patrons looking to get laid are divided into three groups; couples, single men, and single women.

However, single women are generally rarer than hen's teeth -- I have seen one in the times I've attended clubs, and talking to more regular attendees one in twelve visits is actually better than average. And when we consider it, that's hardly a surprise as it must take some pretty tough chops as a single woman to walk into a Swinger Club and put oneself in that situation without anyone on one's 'side'.

This leaves us with a clientele divided between couples and single guys, and thus there are, by definition, pretty much always more men than women in the Club (unless it's a couples only night). And this factor, the outnumbering of women by men, is the basis of the Plague of Creepy Guys.

For the purposes of this piece the Creepy Guy can be defined as follows: he can be young or old, handsome or a broken-down old wreck, or anything in between, but his defining characteristics are his silence and an air of desperation. He wanders around the Action Zone seeking to interpose himself on couples (or threesomes, or occasionally groups), with his cock in his hand and his mouth hanging half open, and at no point does he say anything.

Now, I get it. Single guys are the bread and butter of Swinger Clubs (indeed, they are the other half of the Club's profit margin). They pay a premium to get in and they want to get their money's worth. Single guys aren't necessarily Creepy Guys, either, but if they are they can be absolute pests.

On his own the Creepy Guy, unless particularly persistent, can be largely ignored. But when they start prowling around the Action Zone in packs...? What usually happens is that a couple feel like getting it on, they go into the Action Zone and find a place to get jiggy, a Creepy Guy spots them, and through some weird telepathic process all the other Creepy Guys activate, and as a group they mob the couple (at a distance, thankfully), and become an off-putting crowd staring, hoping, wanking, gazing at the woman like dying men in the Sahara who've seen the promised oasis. At which point many of the couples retreat back to the Bar and let someone else deal with the Plague instead.*

So then the Creepy Guys go into standby mode, waiting for the next couple to enter the Action Zone, activating when they do, and following them around like a bunch of stalkers, waiting for the outside chance that they might be invited to join in -- which is, after all, their ultimate aim. Finally, when enough couples are enjoying one other the Plague becomes less noticeable, and the atmosphere usually improves a notch or two.

But you see the problem here? The Creepy Guys are self-defeating, by and large. There is the occasional woman who is fine with beckoning one of these horny lurkers to spread her legs, and sometimes there might be a particular themed night designed for such women to avail themselves of numbers of such men, and in truth the Gangbang Night (or whatever other name might be accorded to it) is probably the best night for single men to attend the Swinger Club and get lucky. But even then, success is not a given.

Thus, there are many men who pay a large entrance fee, and find themselves with an expensive bar bill (one pays when one leaves) but they've not had any action. They can be naturally disappointed, and sometimes they even take to forums to complain that they haven't been laid despite the money they've spent. And so to the point: how can one minimise the chances of being one of those men?

* A side note here: down at the Swinger Club we understand that other folks are going to ogle at us while we're getting it on. We might even welcome it, and often we do, though if we don't and we try to find a more discreet corner then perhaps it might be better to just let us get busy in peace. Please.

Porn Star Looks

So, you want to get lucky? Well, the first thing to note is that, as alluded to above, you can wander around a Swinger Club looking buff and tanned, as if you've stepped out of an expensive production, but that doesn't guarantee you success, and if you believe it does then prepare yourself for disappointment. It should also be noted that the women in a Swinger Club are likely not to be America's Next Top Model either: swingers are, at bottom, ordinary people -- they are your neighbours, who just happen to have a sexual interest in people other than their regular partners. So, 'Mr Buff and Tanned and God's Gift to the Opposite Sex', if you do make contact with a woman in the Club don't turn her down merely because she doesn't meet your exacting standards. Of course, if you don't fancy someone that's perfectly fine, but don't go in expecting the impossible.

One problem is that you may have got your image of what a Swinger Club looks like from PornHub, or from reading stories on this or other sites. Don't assume that either the films you've seen or the stories you've read reflect reality. When a writer crafts a story about a Swinger Club there's no guarantee they've ever been to one, and even if they go week-in, week-out that doesn't mean they are writing reality -- by and large they are creating a fantasy. Don't fall into the trap of believing that an author's fantasy is anything more than, at its most realistic, an exaggeration.

The same goes for video: when a production company rocks up at a Swinger Club they will either ask for volunteers from the clientele who want to feature in their production (they will have done this some time in advance), or they will have hired talent to pretend to be swingers. Usually, it will be some combination of hired talent and genuine swingers. When it comes to the genuine swingers, though, it must be assumed that the production company will do what they can to pick the better-looking ones from those who have agreed to participate. Thus, what one sees in the final production doesn't necessarily reflect what an average group of swingers might look like, and it's best to assume that the group on film are generally better-looking than the swingers in the Club on the night you attend.

That isn't to say that swingers look like the back end of a bus, and I don't want to suggest that they do. But it is to point out that the likelihood is that the swingers you will see in a "Swingers' Report" or "Real Swingers' Club" type of production have been hired and selected. Fantasy stories on Lit, and videos on PornHub or its ilk are not reality.

The bottom line that I'm trying to get to is that looks mean little. Well, no, actually that's not true... The real bottom line is that looks mean nothing if you don't:

Communicate

Remember up above, when we examined what the average Swinger Club is likely to look like? There are usually three zones and the first one is a Bar and Social Zone. This is where Creepy Guy often makes his most basic mistake. The number of guys I've seen who take up position in the Bar and Social Zone, beer in hand, and then simply stare at any woman who happens to be there...

Of course, they never actually talk to said woman. No! That would be too obvious, surely! But they will sit (or stand) and stare, and make the woman feel uncomfortable, and when she doesn't pay attention to them and actively avoids eye contact, they stare at the next woman, and then go to the Action Zone after they've had a couple of drinks and congregate with the other single guys, and once a woman and her chosen partner enter the Action Zone they flock around in a group hoping to get laid. And mostly, they don't.

Please, if you are a single guy going to a Swinger Club, don't be that single guy, don't be Creepy Guy. I know it can be hard to talk to strangers, to be the one to break the ice, but I can vouch for the fact that the guys who do best aren't necessarily the ones with the buff muscles and the sock down their boxer-briefs. The guys who do best are the ones who take the time to introduce themselves to the women (and their partners) at the bar, who take the time to be pleasant and interesting, and who don't assume that they deserve to stick their cock in whoever they want just because they've paid their entrance fee.

Silently staring at a woman and making her feel uncomfortable are not winning tactics in this situation. And just because she is in a Swinger Club and thus, pretty much by definition, wants to get laid, it doesn't mean she automatically wants to get laid by you if you've been following her with your starey eyes, and then with your tongue hanging out and your cock in your hand. Yes, there are some women who might like that, who might feel flattered by that, but it's tactically better to assume that the woman you've spotted across the bar is going to feel far more willing to go to the Action Zone with you if you've taken the time and effort to go up to her and say, "hi, my name is... what's yours?"

Her Partner

And say hello to her partner, too. As we've already noted, single women are rare in Swinger Clubs, thus virtually every woman you meet will be with her partner. And here we encounter the next lie (sorry, 'exaggeration') that porn and fantasy fiction feeds us: most guys who are in a Swinger Club with their wives/girlfriends are not into a humiliation kink. Some might be, and good luck to them if they are, but again it's best to assume that they very definitely aren't until you know otherwise. So, if you go up to a woman at the bar or in the social area, and she is sitting or standing next to a man, pretending he doesn't exist or treating him like some 'soy-boy' cuck is likely to piss off not only him, but also the woman, who doesn't want to see her man treated like shit thank you very much, no matter how much of a steak-eating alpha you might consider yourself to be.

Men who are in a Swinger Club with their partners have almost certainly had some in-depth discussions with their wives, and they are generally also keen to partner up with a woman they didn't arrive with. They are also probably happy, or even keen, for their wife to fuck about. But they will be leaving with the same woman they arrived with, and both halves of the couple view the other as their primary responsibility. So treat him with respect, talk to him as well as her, and if she's interested in going to the Action Zone with you your respect towards her partner is, at the very least, unlikely to weaken her desire and indeed, may well reinforce it. You'll soon know.

And it's also worth remembering that some couples give each other vetoes. So, if you act like her husband doesn't exist, barging between them and showing him your back, you might find that she can see him shaking his head over your shoulder and buddy, you've been declined!

One should, however, be wary of one type of swinger couple: the first-time swingers. They've talked about it, they think they've covered all the bases, but the truth is that neither of them really know how they will react to seeing their partner being chatted up/chatting up someone else at the bar. Or even more to the point, how they will react when their partner has a stranger's cock in her mouth or has his fingers in a stranger's pussy as she moans in his ear. If you find yourself talking to a couple who've never swung before treat them carefully, take it slowly, and read the room before, in your eagerness, you suggest that she gets it on with you. Most importantly, check that he's on board with it, and be ready to back off if the vibe is wrong.

There is one last thing to consider on the issue of looks, and that is single men and how they dress. Very often Creepy Guys have one other thing in common other than silence and an air of desperation -- they seem to believe that they only need throw on any old t-shirt and jeans. Swinger Clubs have dress codes, but the reality is that they want single guys' money, so they will often turn a blind eye to a guy who falls (or even plummets) below expected sartorial standards.

But my wife, for example, notices. If a man has made the effort to wear a shirt (ironed), and shave, and put on deodorant, it doesn't mean she will fuck him. But it does mean she won't be repelled by him, which is better than the way she feels about the roughly ten percent of the men in the Club every time we go who can't be bothered to do these things. And for the love of God, wash your cock and balls!

Dutch Courage

It's hard to walk into a bar and not order a drink, especially if you know that you need to make contact with strangers if you're going to get what you really want. But booze can be a problem in the Swinger Club, and in particular, too much booze. How tragic it is to see a guy downing three or four beers and getting cheerful and chatty, and yet to know that he runs the real risk that Mr Happy will soon be Mr Floppy. Indeed, my wife has reported back to me on more than one occasion that, "he couldn't get it up," and when she points out which poor chap couldn't, I smile gently at the memory of him ordering yet another drink at the bar an hour earlier.

Of course, it might not be the drink: we're already in a pressured situation for any but the most confident of single guys -- all that money spent just getting in, the realisation that just being there is no guarantee of getting any action, seeing many more men than women and doing that mental arithmetic that tells us that failure is more likely than success. Hell, it's enough to drive a man to drink! And so, one drink becomes two becomes four, but then Hallelujah! A woman wants us to fuck. Followed, minutes later by gloom, as 'Tiger' doesn't want to come out to play.

So, as a general piece of advice, don't magnify the possibility of performance anxiety with an alcohol-based erectile difficulty: save the drink for afters... Yes, yes! I know you're the type of guy who can drain a keg and still service an entire cheerleading team, sure, but why take the risk?

Consent

We've dealt with the main issues that I have noticed with single guys in Swinger Clubs, but.... Actually, no, scrub that. We haven't. Here's a hugely important one: consent. By this I don't mean the obvious consent of asking someone before attempting to fuck them. Or actually, I do mean that, which is just incredibly disheartening to have to put down on paper. As a rough rule of thumb some guy is ejected from the preferred Club I attend every third visit, and the Club I go to with my wife isn't seedy in the slightest. But every three nights or so there seems to be some knucklehead who doesn't get it, who doesn't understand that even in the midst of half-a-dozen couples swapping and passing and doing everything and more, there is still positive consent.

I remember seeing this for the first time, on my first visit to a Swinger Club, and being impressed. The gaining of consent by experienced swingers is not a great production, but instead is a simple, "can I?" or "do you want me to?" followed by indicating the act the person has in mind. It's done with the minimum of fuss, and often the consent is a simple nod. Alternatively, the 'receiver' can ask for what they want the other person to do with them, which can be difficult for a novice but is something soon learned as the most effective way of getting what one wants (and is, let's face it, rarely turned down when it's a woman asking a guy to do something with her).

It needn't be more than this to get consent, but it does need to be at least this, and consent must be positive -- it is not good enough when a person (and let's be honest here, it's almost always a woman) is put into a position where they have to say 'no' to stop a guy doing something: that guy should never have begun to do what he is doing without first securing the consent of the woman.

So, single guys, positive consent, at all times. If a woman tells you to do what you want with her, then huzzah! Have a ball! But until then, every step of the journey needs to be assented to by her. If consent isn't given, watch the experienced swingers take it on the chin and move on without getting their knickers in a twist, and emulate.

And a note here for any women reading this who might frequent swinger establishments: if you want a guy to do something, tell him, don't simply assume he's telepathic and then get disappointed when you find out he isn't.

Condoms

The last issue that needs to be mentioned here is condoms. Of course, you've seen the Swinger Club videos on the interweb and those hot'n'horny folks all go bareback, don't they? What's more, you're in the Club and you've had a couple or four beers and that latex sheath you're being pressed to wear is only going to ruin your performance. Tough!

The better Swinger Clubs will tell you that they can't, of course, demand you put a condom on, but they will recommend it to the end of time (the others will give you a false sense of security by saying they insist on them -- but how? They won't have Swinger Club 'police' wandering around enforcing the rule; it's up to you.). And it must be accepted that there are times when a couple in a club might well go bareback. You might even see it with your own eyes, and wonder why, if it's good enough for them, the woman you are about to slide into is insisting you put one of those pesky condoms on.