Depression Is

Depression is

Some stories on Literotica are hard to read. They may hit too close to home, or describe cruel or violent events, or contain so many errors that the reader is distracted from the narrative flow; No matter the cause, the reader is no longer willing to suspend disbelief (cf. Coleridge, Samuel Taylor). The story fails because the reader is no longer engaged, no longer cares about the characters or what happens to them.

This story is hard to read for a different reason: it contains few of the usual clues we use to guide us through a story. There are no named characters, no plot narrative, no punctuation to break the narrative stream into sentences (well, there is one period, at the very end). Reading this story isn't a passive experience, a matter of simply letting the story flow from eye to brain; rather, the reader must pay attention, must work at ferreting out the message.

This isn't an instance of an author trying to impress, it's an attempt to get inside the mind of a man who has been betrayed, who was too weak to fight back, who loved so much that he fell too far, who wasn't willing to commit suicide but nonetheless is killing himself slowly. Despite its lack of familiar literary guideposts, the story may sound all too familiar to those who also have been betrayed.

Depression is waking up your skull two sizes too small (brain hurts like fuck) your mouth tastes like you gargled with vomit (you did) your eyes refuse to open until you pry the lids up (which also hurts like fuck and leaves a bright circle afterimage in each one) your ears filled with huge hammer blows (you finally figure out it's just your heart which amazingly enough is still beating) your pillow stained with dried blood (guess you fell down again) your room filled with Dementors who fly tight circles around your bed (hate those faceless fuckers!) You know this is the best part of the Whole Fucking Day

Depression is Groping for the bottle of mouthwash on the bedside table (you refilled it just last night) Sloshing a mouthful around (to kill the puke taste) Welcoming the familiar sting (it takes your breath away like a strong mint) Swallowing (it's 80 proof makes the Dementors start to fly out the door lets your skull expand some reduces the pressurepain) Swallowing another mouthful Now you might be ready to start This Fucking Day

Depression is Sitting up too quickly (oh shit don't puke again lay back down yes Mrs Hannah I know lie back down) Sitting up more slowly (feet on floor take deep breaths) Opening eyes again (don't remember when you shut them) Searching for the bottle of eye drops (the doc said if the lids stick too long you could lose your sight or even the whole fucking eye) Putting two drops in each eye (try not to poke out your fucking eye) Getting four or five drops on your cheek for each one you get in the eye Dropping the fucking cap on the fucking floor Putting the bottle of eyedrops back on the bedside table Knocking over the bottle of 80 proof mouthwash fuck fuck fuck Shitty Fucking Day

Depression is Making it into the bathroom (which stinks of vomit and shit and maybe a dead rhinoceros or whale god how can it be this awful) Pissing away your useless wakeup hardon Thinking you should clean the bathroom (or at least spray a case or two of air freshener) Making it downstairs to the kitchen (stripped down to boxers and T-shirt like who the fuck'll care) Looking around jeezus what a fucking mess Spilling some coffee grounds when you put it in the filter (actually remembered to put in the filter this time) Spilling some water when you put the pot on the coffee maker Turning on the coffee maker Getting the mail in the front hall Tossing all the shit from fucking bill collectors Whacking Mr Coffee because nothing's happening (oh fuck forgot to pour the water from the pot into the machine) (again) Sitting down finally with a cup of coffee (ughblack because the fucking milk was curdled and there wasn't any fucking sugar) Turning on the TV (paper stopped delivery just because I didn't pay the bill) Wondering what else will go wrong what a Great Fucking Day

Depression is Watching a news story about lower home loan interest rates Remembering the great deal your Fucking Best Friend said he got on his VA loan (the same day you got the foreclosure notice from the bank because you hadn't made a payment in over a year) Thinking if he's a veteran then you're Fleet Admiral Bull Halsey and your 11-year-old cheapass Kia is the USS Enterprise (your Fucking Best Friend was in the Air Force for fuck's sake! he bitched about hardship duty in Louisiana because there wasn't any weekend maid service in the condo complex they had the balls to call a barracks) Laughing when your Fucking Best Friend whined about the summer camp they called basic training (oh nos! they had to sleep two to a room and the beds weren't king-size and the TV was only 42" and no gigabit wi-fi just pokey old 802.11n) Admitting you're not a Marine (for which you and the whole fucking Cuerpos de Marina are eternally grateful) but the Navy calls it boot camp too and it wasn't exactly a walk in the park you had to wear those shitty dungarees and boondockers Every Fucking Day

Depression is Trying to forget the day you found the DVD tucked into the paper when your wife had gone to visit her mother Laying the DVD on the kitchen table while you read the paper with your second cup of coffee Going upstairs to shower and get dressed for work Glancing at the DVD that you forgot about as you go out the door Wondering if it's just an ad or maybe a movie Deciding to watch it that night Picking up a sandwich at Subway on the way home Eating the sandwich with a beer as you watched the news on the big-screen TV Putting the DVD in the player Pressing Play and Ruining your Whole Fucking Day

Depression is Trying to unsee your wife doing a slow sexy striptease for your Fucking Best Friend in your own bedroom Shouting NO! to your Fucking Wife on her knees with your Fucking Best Friend's cock in her mouth Trying to unsee your Fucking Best Friend blow his sperm all over your Fucking Wife's face and tits Trying to unsee your Fucking Wife on her hands and knees on the bed as your Fucking Best Friend pounds into her cunt Trying to unhear your Fucking Wife as she grunts and hisses soclosesoclosegonnacum Trying to unsee your Fucking Best Friend face down in Your Wife's crotch slurp slurp slurp suck suck Trying to unhear Your Wife scream yesyesyes onetwothree orgasms Trying to unsee Your Wife as she rides your Fucking Best Friend's cock to their mutual orgasms Trying to unsee Your Wife lift herself up your Fucking Best Friend's cock flops out Trying to unsee the flood of vital bodily fluids that flows out of Your Wife's cunt onto your Fucking Best Friend's belly Trying to unsee Your Wife and your Fucking Best Friend lying side-by-side her head on his shoulder his arm around her his hand on her breast Trying to unhear them talk quietly about how good it was and how guilty they feel because they have betrayed you so many times but they can't help it because they have loved each other so much since junior high It wasn't even the end of That Fucking Day

Depression is Remembering that you telephoned your Fucking Best Friend that night and told him you needed help and he said he'd be right over and when he got there he asked what's the problem and you told him watch and pressed Play and when he saw himself and your Fucking Wife he said What the fuck! Grabbing him by the hair Smashing his face into the coffee table and (reluctantly) Deciding you shouldn't kill him so instead you just beat the ever-living shit out of him until he was unconscious and his face was covered with blood Throwing him out the front door onto the lawn Turning the hose on him until he came back to life Squatting down Telling him that if you ever saw him again you would kill him but he could fuck the whore formerly known as Your Wife all he wanted But it still wasn't the end of That Fucking Day

Depression is Remembering that next you called Your Wife and told her that you watched 45 minutes of her greatest porn hits and just now tossed her fuck buddy your Fucking Best Friend's whupped ass out on the lawn and hosed off most of the blood and when she comes back her shit will be in garbage bags in front of the garage but she can't come in the house because her key won't work any more and she'd better call the kids at college and tell them you're going to divorce her ass because she fucked your Fucking Best Friend and every time she tried to interrupt you shouted SHUT THE FUCK UP SLUT! and she was crying all the time and you finally just hung up on her and that was finally the end of That Fucking Day

Depression is Figuring that you probably should have gotten a lawyer but you just wanted to get out of the fucking marriage so all you wound up with was a house with an underwater mortgage and some cheap-shit Ikea furniture and half of your own 401k and a few thousand bucks and a monthly alimony bill Trying to remember when you started needing a drink just so you could get out of bed after you woke up Thinking that maybe you should start to cut down a bit because you lost your job what was it three weeks ago? three months ago? Remembering that they took away your driver's license Deciding to start to taper off first thing tomorrow or maybe the next day But right now it's time for a nightcap to top off This Fucking Day

Depression is Waking up on the stairs Wondering why you decided to sleep there Going back to sleep for a while Waking up later (regaining consciousness is probably more accurate) Trying to stand up but your legs won't hold you Grabbing the stair rail to get up Feeling an itch on your forehead but it hurts when you rub it Lurching up the stairs to the bathroom Looking in the mirror the place where it stings is a big fucking bruise but good there's hardly any blood this time Pissing mostly in the toilet but the rest down your pantleg fuck it Figuring it's the perfect way to end This Fucking Day

Depression is Crawling onto the bed still dressed Knowing that tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow will be just like this one Same Shit Different Fucking Day

Depression is and ever shall be world without fucking end amen.