Depths of Love

I don't know if you know what it's like to--

--break.

Sometimes I don't know how to put myself back together again.

"Aly... you there...?"

I keep trying to move--I really need to start my day--but then I keep curling over onto my side, choking behind tears that won't come....

"Aly...."

It would be easier to cry--if I could. But sometimes even tears don't do the depth of pain and darkness justice.

It would be easier to die. God knows I want to.

You'd think I'm being dramatic: "I'd rather die than face another day like today." And yet when I try to get up I can't move. My hands are numb, there's a tight, heavy weight on my chest, and it's so much easier to just close my eyes and shut the world away....

Between flutters of my eyelids, half seeing, half sleeping, I see her face bending in front of me. I love you....

Then she's gone. Nothing is real except this emptiness.

I tremble and bury my face under my covers. Not today. Please, just let me... 'not' today.

Gradually, I come to. It's like little waves of partial consciousness, growing bigger and stronger, until the light through my window seems a little more real. I'm also very warm. My weighted blanket helps on days like today, holding me in, giving me somewhere to hide from the darkness in my soul. I cuddle back into it, feeling it warm and solid behind me and over me

I stretch to move--not yet ready to face the day, mostly just repositioning--and feel an arm around me. If I had been myself I might've been startled, but processing was a little slow this morning.

Flopping my head to the side--that's all the strength I have--I see Kat spooning beside me. I don't know when she got here. I had a weird dream that she was here....

"Hi, darling..." she whispers gently, stroking my cheek with her hand.

My glassy eyes gaze back at her, most of me still non-responsive. Her face looks sad but kind.

She sees me and takes me into her arms--into her entire embrace. Her leg is over mine, her arm around me and hand tangling in my hair, her chin resting on my head.

She holds me for a long time, until slowly the numbness cracks inside me. When it does, I curl into her arms with silent sobs.

"Shh... shh..." I hear. She kisses my forehead while still rubbing my head. "It's okay, baby. You're not alone. You're gonna be okay...."

Slowly, the pain and darkness work their way out, and my tears wash the glassiness out of my eyes. "I'm sorry," I whisper, unable to look Kat in the eye from shame.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, dear," Kat says, hugging me more tightly. "I just wish you had called me before it got this bad."

"What?"

I pull out from the hug to look her in the face, confused.

"Sweetie, you've been MIA for DAYS.... Mark and I couldn't get ahold of you, your friends at church asked us where you'd been.... I just don't know why you didn't reach out to us. When's the last time you got up?"

"I don't... I'm not sure," I say honestly. When the depression and trauma strike in full force I can't even keep track of the days.

"Gosh, darling," Kat says, pulling me into a hug again. "I wish I had come sooner. Sometimes it's hard to know if you're just busy and fine, or if you need me. Oh, come here, sweetie." She holds me and pets me, and I cuddle into her until the pain of the last several days eases a bit more.

"Can we get you up? I'm sure you need water, a shower, some food...."

I nod wearily, pushing up on my hip.

Kat takes my hands, scoots herself off my bed, and moves to help me up. "Here, come on, darling. You'll be okay."

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and shakily stand to my feet. Kat supports me as we walk to the bathroom to get me a drink.

"Are you up for a shower?" she asks gently.

I give her a look weary with fatigue, and she gives a small smile in return. "I believe in you, sweetheart. Here, let's get you set up."

She reaches around me to turn the showerhead on to start heating up, then turns to me to lift my nightgown over my head. She checks the water for a good temperature, then helps me into the shower. She hands me a bar of soap, then leaves me to it.

It's a slow, stiff process, but I'm able to clean myself and my hair and turn off the water. For a moment I just stand there in the tub, dripping. The thought of getting out and drying off is overwhelming.

But I can do this.

I pull back the curtain, squeeze my hair out, and step out to get a towel. Burying my face in the rough fluffiness, I again pause, this time to appreciate the texture and let it stir some vitality into my senses. A few deep breaths later, I start drying off.

I move from the bathroom back to the bedroom to wrap up in a robe. My hair is very tangled, but I don't have the strength to comb it out. I sit on the edge of the bed, already exhausted from that much movement. Kat pops her head in and sees me.

"Oh good," she says, coming to me. "Doesn't it feel nice to be clean? I'm proud of you, dear. I made you mac 'n cheese while you were in the shower. Do you want to sit and eat while I comb out your hair?"

I give her a teary smile. I would shower her with gratitude, but I still have trouble getting basic words out. She pulls me to the kitchen, plunks me gently in a chair, scoops me a bowl of mac 'n cheese, then pulls a chair behind me to work with my blonde curls.

"You have lovely hair, dear," she comments after a while. "I'm sure I've told you that before, but I bet it takes a lot of work to keep it long like this. Well, I have long hair too, but mine's not as thick or as curly...." She talks casually behind me, slowly teasing responses from me and stirring me back to conversiveness. When my hair is finally detangled from all the days in bed, she wraps me up under my arms for a backward hug. "I miss you when you're gone, you know," she mumbles.

"I know," I say quietly. "I didn't mean to. It's just been a hard month, and then the flashbacks started up again, and I guess I kind of broke again."

"You're not broken, love. You are many things--many wild, wonderful, and unfathomable things--but you're not broken."

I turn my head away from her, still caught in the shame.

"Hey... hey..." Kat says, kissing my neck. "You're not--broken. You are so much more--than whatever nasty thoughts--were going through your head the last few days. Hm? Hm??" Her tickly fingers accompany the last few kisses, and she manages to pull a small giggle and a squirm from me. Then she stands, pulling me to my feet beside her. "Let's go cuddle, darling. Consider it a reward for getting up and showering. And you ate most of your mac 'n cheese!" she finishes, noticing my bowl as she sets it aside. "Come on."

She pulls me over to the couch and rests with my legs on her lap and her arms around my shoulders. "Do you wanna watch a movie?" she asks, settling into the couch.

"Only if we can still cuddle," I say with a small smile.

"Of course, sweetie." She reaches over to the small TV stand, temporarily breaking our cuddle, and slides a teen romance flick into the DVD player. I don't think it really matters to either of us what we watch, so long as we have time together. Then she cozies back into the couch to pull me back to rest on her. I snake my arm around her waist and rest my head on her shoulder.

Throughout the movie, my mind and heart begin to clear. Kat knows that physical touch is the most effective way to bring me out of these episodes. That's why she joined me in bed, and that's why she suggested the movie--just simple time together in each others' arms. I know I'm starting to more fully come out of it when I start appreciating her curvy body in my arms just as much as her tenderness.

"Kat," I start quietly. She looks down at me. "Do you ever think I'll be pretty like you?"

"That's a strange question from one who's already gorgeous."

I snuggle back into her shoulder. "I don't think Jeff thought I was pretty."

Kat sighs. "The only reason I care what that man thought or said is because YOU care. If it were up to me I'd wipe that entire relationship out of your mind for good. So what if he didn't think you were pretty! He treated you like crap! He didn't realize what an unbelievable treasure you are, and that's on him, not you." She squeezes me tightly to try to press her words into me. Then she adds, "I don't even know what it is you like so much about me."

I pull out of her hug to give her a skeptical look. "I know you're serious, but I can't imagine how," I begin. She's always been oblivious to her own attractiveness, but in a humble way, not my self-deprecating way. She gives me a skeptical look.. I brush my hand on her cheek. "For starters, you've got the most beautiful, big brown eyes I've ever seen." I look her squarely in the eye, feeling the tightness in my chest instantly ease. "I melt in them--every time." She gives me a half-smile. "And that smile! It makes me so bubbly inside! And such perfect--" kissable "--lips...." I get lost in my own adoration for a moment, until Kat quickly bends forward to give me a peck on the lips.

My surprise and fluster makes her laugh--there's that smile I love! I feel a flicker of something that was entirely dormant the last several days. My gaze wanders down. "You have the body of a goddess...." She's both curvy and petite, with a tiny waist and long legs, but stacked with a huge natural bust. She has a soft look, a bit rounded over her delicate frame, but that only makes her more cuddly, in my opinion. She's relatively tall, but not quite as tall as me, and has a casual grace when she moves. I love nuzzling our whole bodies together, whether or not we're moving into sexy time. Just holding her in my arms makes me delirious with warmth and happiness.

We were already cuddling on the couch, but now I fully nuzzle into her in a hug, humming contentedly. She chuckles, hugging me back gently. "I'm not saying Mark doesn't appreciate, too, but you adore, dear, don't you."

"Yes!" I affirm happily with a squeeze.

"I'm always curious when that fire in you is gonna cool off someday."

I pull up, shifting to straddle her lap facing her. I smile down at her naturally, then say with full seriousness, "I hope never. I would make love to you right now if you wanted it." I pull her face into mine for a passionate but soft kiss. "But cuddling's nice in the meantime."

I curl down against her like an Aly turtle, resting my head against the front of her shoulder. Kat trails her fingers lightly on my back and holds me.

I bury my face into her and say a muffled, "I love you."

Kat kisses my head in response.

I then press my face into her warm skin with a kiss--and another, and another, squirming my way down her body and into the front of her shirt, till I'm in a heavenly faceplant in her chest. She brushes my hair to the side, caressing my head, before tilting my chin up to face her. "Are you trying to start something, darling?"

I giggle lustfully and move to take her hand at my chin into my own hands to kiss her palm wetly. I lick the crevices between her fingers, gently bite a pad on her palm, and heartily make out with her hand. "Are we not using words right now?" Kat asks, moving to cup my cheek with the hand I'm consuming. I let her move freely and switch my kissing to her wrist, then up her arm. I munch with my lips all the way up her soft skin until I'm consuming her neck quietly.

I don't feel particularly horny right now; it's a little different. I want physical intimacy, but not necessarily sex. "I don't want sex," I tell her quietly, "I just want you."

Kat is starting to breathe heavily under my assault, and she rubs her hands up and down my thighs slowly.

"God you taste delicious." I continue kissing and gently biting and licking her neck, while I slowly slip one hand inside her shirt toward her breast. I slide my hand down... down... then squeeze up to grope her huge tit.

"Aly..." Kat says hesitantly.

I freeze my movements and pull back. "Yes?" She looks at me quietly. "Do you not want this?"

"No--dear--it's not that...." She holds the tops of my hands gently. "It's just that I came here to see if you were okay, and to take care of you if you weren't, and if you start getting me all worked up, I'm gonna get a little distracted from taking care of you. I just want to make sure that we deal with whatever we need to before jumping into physical stuff. I don't want to use that stuff as a distraction if there's something you need to talk about."

I sigh, looking down. "I'm not sure what to say. It happened again, like it has so many times before. Nothing even happened, and yet it hurt so much I couldn't bear it, so I shut down. And in those moments, that pain is all I know. So I shut out the world to try to... endure... the depression, and I can't always find my way out again."

Kat looks at me gently.

"I have this fear that it takes part of me--that part of me gets left behind in the darkness and not all of me comes back when I climb out. And... part of the reason I love doing physical stuff with you is because I lose myself in a way that makes me feel whole, not broken. I love you for you, and for your sake, but it helps me far more than you sometimes realize."

"You're not broken, sweetheart. You're not less than you were because of the depression. Your heart is stronger than anything you face--I've seen it! You aren't less loving when you come out of these episodes. You aren't less kind, or less sweet. You still make me smile, you still care about others. THOSE are the things that make you you. So you had to go underground for a bit! You're still you, darling. And I love you just the same."

"You love me?"

I know she does. I know it so deeply.

"Of course, darling."

"Can you say it again while touching my face?"

I rarely let people touch my face since he would hit me there--or at least, only very trusted people.

Kat gently cups my cheek in her palm, looks intently in my eyes, and says, "I love you, Aly. I always will."

I bend into her touch and hold her hand to my face, closing my eyes. "I love you."

After a moment to rest in the moment, I take a deep breath and open my eyes with a small smile. "May I touch you now?"

Kat blushes and smirks. "Let's go to your bedroom for that...."