All Comments on 'Destination Disaster Ch. 01'

Love and hate are just extremes of the same emotion. Either extreme is better than the disinterest of the middle

It was rather sweet how it al ended. Love & hate walk hand in hand sometimes and here it was from one to the other in just one evening. Loved it and gave it 5*.

Hope to see a continuation!

Didn't know there was a thing called "step cousins" sounds dumb

I was a tad confused by the relationship as well. Actually a reasonably enjoyable story. Maybe a 3 to 4 star effort. I gave it 5 though to counteract the moron who gave it 1, despite admitting that he /she “Didn’t bother to read it ...”.

I know first-hand how these hate-to-love deals work; have been married for almost 50 years to a woman I once hated and then changed my mind. (So did she.) I hope this site doesn't have to wait long for Chapter 2!

Paragraph 11 needs a lot of work to clarify it. "We abandoned a squalid vacation home in favor of a high-rise hotel with a resort-sized swimming pool and within walking distance of a popular beach. A sojourn that began with bad pizza and wrong turn after wrong turn trying to find the aforementioned shack of shit changed everything I knew about myself within 72 hours." That passage needs to be explained a bit more as all it does is get wordy without moving the story well.

"All good things, they say, must end. This excursion did [end] faster than I could bear."

"I decided to run into the water, too, hoping it might wash away more of the suck from this trip. I mean, really, did two adults have to start a shouting match at 5 a.m. about the broken garbage disposal? Nobody won. The yelling was equitable." ??? Who were the two adults yelling at 5:00 AM? It's either irrelevant to the story or several paragraphs got deleted before posting. It breaks the flow of the story. Check the word usage at the end of the paragraph; "equitable" is not the appropriate word here amd the misuse is jarring.

"You pressed the wrong button again," Hayley sneered." There was no indication earlier that he had pressed a wrong button, and had he done it earlier, her character would have bitched him out and it should have been part of the narrative.

"The tension between us was loud." "Palpable" would have been the better word choice instead of "loud".

"Before climbing into bed, I decided to make sure the door between our rooms was locked, so she wouldn't disturb me. That was a lie." Ehh? Why was it a lie? Because he was already planning to sneak a peek or because the door wasn't unlocked? Either way delete "That was a lie." as it makes no sense in the time flow or as a statement. The story flows better with it gone.

"Hayley threw off her towel, revealing her small but supple breasts and flatter-than-a-cookie-sheet chest. I caught a glimpse of her shaved vagina." Small but supple may work, but her flatter-than-a cookie-sheet chest doesn't go with that description. maybe a flat tummy but she obviously has boobs so she's not flat. Learn your anatomy; the vagina is internal, the mons is external. A shaved vagina sounds brutally painful.

As another aside; the female superior position (on top of the guy) is not the missionary position. It's usually referred to as the cowgirl position since she's riding on top or reverse missionary depending on the fine details but that wasn't forthcoming, pardon the pun.

A little more sympathy for Hayley could have been generated as you alluded to her self-esteem issues but didn't develop that enough.

Not a bad story overall, but word usage just felt a little awkward in spots and dialog seemed a bit too rushed in spots and under-developed. Lower the level of writing just a little to make it sound more accessible and keep it from sounding borderline pretentious. Nothing wrong with a higher level of language use but you have to be able to make it flow and keep it at a consistent tone. Keep writing and don't give up.

I really like the love/hate angle, but you need to add some reluctance, doubt and ambivalence to really sell it. You could add some much needed conflict if you had Hayley go back to being a brat when they are around the family, maybe have her flirt with other guys to make Robee jealous and piss him off.

You must be 18 or over to play here, can't you read?

For your next entry, try not to add synonyms and big words into every sentence. You could've done much better without them in this one.

It was blocky and choppy to the point it was really hard to follow.

It has potential, but needs... I don't know... more?

It feels like someone telling a story he heard 20 years ago, for the first time. It needs more filler, more details, something, anything.