Disblief, Anger, Shock

He looked at me, "I know this is asking a lot. Dorothy's case is one they have highlighted. They intend to interview her next week. What they planned for her is apparently so extreme, the Police Inspector believes they should never be released. Dorothy will need all the support she can get. The interviews, the potential for having to give evidence, even knowing what they planned to do to her.

"I'm concerned about her reaction when the defence start to attack her sexual history. The media will be all over it. She would be devastated at best."

I laughed but there was no joy in it, "Dawson was only the second person to have carnal knowledge of her. Even if the six times were less than a few minutes in total according to him.

"How much can we tell her?"

Mills spoke softly, "I asked that question. The PF said not to tell her. They want her reaction as it's explained. It will be videoed. She will need someone close to her to help her. Who would be best for that?"

Henry spoke, "Michael. You've never seen a couple so in love. Recently he has been making strides to be that Michael we all know. I've bumped into Dorothy a few times. Her first question is always, "How's Michael?"

I was shocked, utterly shocked.

There was nothing more to be said. We left the meeting shellshocked. Mills said he would update us further when he had more information. I liked him, he was honest but he really cared about his staff. When he walked us out, he spoke to the assistants, the victims and you could tell he had spent time with them.

I stopped at Dorothy's desk. She was surprised. Mills and Henry gave us some space as they continued.

Dorothy asked quietly, "How are you?"

I was almost lost for words, "I'm told by Henry I'm slowly becoming Michael whatever that means. I've spoken with Sharon. I've never cried so much since my mum died. She wants a joint session. I can see the need but would you be comfortable with one?"

Dorothy smiled, "I would. It won't be easy as Sharon is a sorceress. She seems to know where you are trying to hide your answers. My mum needs a waterproof jacket as I cry so much when I come out. Even the following days, I can dissolve into tears. Sharon's trying to reduce my guilt but I can't let it go."

I smiled, "You need to. Dawson and only Dawson was responsible. She's trying to get me to let my anger go. It's slowly coming down. I do feel better, more positive without the rage directing all my thoughts. I never realised how negative I'd become. How short I was with those trying to help me through this. Let your guilt go. Let the true, lovely, caring, funny Dorothy come out."

Dorothy spoke so sadly, "I'll never be her again. She did things like give you a titty-fuck and made you clean her breasts with your tongue. You took such care, you made her cum and cum, just by teasing them. You could love her so gently, it was nirvana. You'd sometimes tease her by eating her for ages till she came and came and then fucked her senseless. She'll never have you again. No one else will play with my breasts or cunt."

I tried to be upbeat, "Don't write your life off. Who knows what will be in your future?"

I called Sharon as I Henry and I parted. I explained the need for an urgent joint meeting. Dorothy had a meeting tomorrow at three pm with her. I could join them. She knew Dorothy was needing a joint session.

I went round to her parents and spoke with them. They were surprised I wished to discuss how Dorothy truly was, not what she said. I explained that I had information I couldn't divulge about a meeting which would involve Dorothy. It had been suggested I be at the meeting with her. I didn't know if that was a good idea.

Her mum spoke, "Michael, you've been like a son to us. You two loved each other like so few. When you spoke to us about Dorothy's affair we were devastated. We'd never thought that possible. When she came to us, she admitted it. She was a slut, a whore. She has always said she loves you with all her heart which made what she did so unfathomable. The meeting in the solicitor's office when the reason came out, shocked everyone. I've never seen you so lost for words. Your face gave so many emotions. Had Dawson been anywhere near, they would have had to sew him back together, piece by piece, limb by limb.

"I've been in many sessions with Sharon and Dorothy. Others I wait outside. She only sees the hurt she caused, she's a slut, a whore, not a victim. I know my presence has helped slightly. I use a rain jacket there as all my blouses were so wet, her dad thought I should enter a wet "T" shirt competition. It's so distressing seeing her in the pain she's in. She only sees what she's lost. When she speaks it's her guilt at the pain she's caused you."

"Your presence would have helped her more. She's so wracked with guilt over what she did to you, she can't see any future for herself. If you were there, supporting her, I'm sure it will help her. I'll come as back-up. If it's that bad, you'll both come here for dinner afterwards."

I explained they couldn't mention anything to her. Her dad wanted to know why. I was firm, "I wanted to tell her. This investigation is so large they want to close any loopholes. If she knew she won't react naturally. Despite my wishes I had to agree. In the longer term this was the best option. Dinner would be good."

Her mum and dad looked at me. The shock and realisation that my immediate agreement meant that meeting was going to be more than bloody difficult were etched on their faces.

Dorothy was surprised to see me in Sharon's office when she arrived with her mum. Her mum smiled. We'd only time for a quick hello before Sharon took us into her room.

Sharon explained that we were both in slightly better places than when we started but there were major points which we could not get beyond. She hoped today we could start that process.

She asked Dorothy, "What would you like to say to Michael?"

Dorothy took a deep breath, "Michael, I don't know how to say how sorry I am. I don't know any words which can address the depth of despair I have over how much hurt I have caused you. I love you. I'll always love you but I ripped your heart apart, tearing your love for me out.

"Please let Sharon repair your heart and find love again. You're far too good a man to live without love in your life. You'll make someone the happiest wife on the planet."

Sharon looked at me, "Michael, what would you like to say to Dorothy?"

I thought for a moment. Sharon had cut me wide open, exposing all my raw feelings. I'd never told anyone. I started quietly, firmly, nervously, "Dorothy, I can't say I wasn't hurt by how we argued so badly. When I discovered you with Dawson, had there not been the security and all those witnesses I would have torn him limb from limb, I was so furious. Since then, my constant companion has been anger. When you spoke at the solicitor's I was stunned. I struggled for a long time with why you felt you couldn't tell me. I saw myself as your knight in shining armour, riding to your rescue yet I wasn't given a chance. If anything, that added to my anger! The more I thought and talked it through with Henry and Colin, it became clear, you had no other option unless you wanted to spend the next 15-20 years in prison." I laughed lightly, "That wouldn't have helped our marriage either.

"As I understood that, I heard your words again about how you had turned away, you didn't want love. Yet it was what you needed. You needed to know someone loved you, cared for you. Denying it meant the guilt you felt overtook you. There was no love to contradict the narrative you were telling yourself.

"For months I've only been driven by that anger. The anger kept me from looking at what I truly felt. My father and friends have been on at me to ask myself those questions. I fought them all the way. Sharon has blown that wall of anger up. It's been so devastating, I wanted to rebuild it so I didn't feel the pain again. It can't be rebuilt. I've had to review everything, look repeatedly, at what you did, how I reacted. Could I, should I have done anything differently?

"I'm still in turmoil. My answers change by the hour, minutes even at times. Sharon says that's to be expected. My anger prevented me asking the questions I needed to answer. I have the questions but few answers.

"One answer caused me more pain than any. Sharon wouldn't let go when she had me on the run. I needed to answer the question I was avoiding.

"My father had sown the seed when he talked about his love for mum. How there could be no one else for him. He saw that in us. Once the anger wall came down I saw I still loved you. I was broken and I didn't know how I could build a life with you. Yet, I couldn't face life without you. The pain was too great.

"Sharon did some exercises with me to reduce the pain so I could see what I wished. She made me look at the questions I was avoiding. Did I want a life to include you, as a friend, even a partner? I'm so torn. I don't want to be a friend as I'd remember all the good stuff and then the bad would break me. How could I be a partner with what you did, how it hurt me?

"Sharon says I have to give my thoughts time to settle. I've kept the hurt away by that wall of anger. I can go any way I chose. I just don't know yet what I want apart from one thing.

"Dorothy you must let go of your guilt. It was Dawson, only Dawson. You had no other option. I'd like to help you if you wish. If I don't blame you why should you blame yourself?"

Dorothy was crying, her face showed her shock. "Michael, how can you not hate me? I did a terrible thing to you, to us."

Sharon spoke softly, "Michael has just reached the stage where you were months ago. You recognised your love for him. While you have made some progress, you held back because of the pain you knew Michael was in. Your guilt won't allow you to see beyond it. Michael fought against the thought that he still loves you. Finally, he had to admit it to himself. It's so recent, he has no answer. The rawness hurts but he will heal.

"The important thing is he recognises you are not the culprit. Dawson and only Dawson is responsible. It will be difficult due to your feelings of guilt. If you can accept that it will help you heal.

"What happens in the future will be decided by you both. For that both of you must let go off the anger and the guilt. Each of you must speak truthfully to the other. Explain, accept that unkind words may come out. Learn from this. It won't be easy. No one can say where your journey will end up. You can show your love by helping each other. Through that you may find yourselves as friends, as a couple or unfortunately apart as the wounds are too deep.

"You both need to focus on helping each other, let the rest work itself out.

"Michael, what question, thought; is the one most often to just jump into your head?"

I looked at Sharon. I wasn't prepared for that question. When I spoke, I was shocked at how sad my voice was, "If I close my eyes, I can visualise Dorothy and Dawson making love. I can't see what she said. I see her enjoying it. She enjoyed sex, we both did. What's the truth?"

Dorothy was crying. Her eyes held mine as best they could. Her voice was nervous but you heard the resolve. "I told you the truth. The others and I had collaborated to enable us to get it over with as fast as possible. We watched him, trying to find what he focussed on. We played to his perversions." She smiled as she added, "I would call them fantasies if it was you. I felt even worse knowing that what I was doing was what you had suggested at times. I had stopped us discussing those.

"I watched what excited him over the evening. He really got off on how much my breasts were exposed or if my dress rode up and my stockings or "g" string were exposed. After he had shown me off in the club, in a taxi he would often play with my breasts or lift my dress exposing me to the driver. He opened my legs as he liked to rub my pussy as a tip for the driver. He loved the feeling that he was in total control of me, he could expose me and I could do nothing. Once back at the room, I had to do a striptease. When I stripped I made sure to slowly reveal myself, really tease him. It would take me fifteen, twenty minutes to be down to my lingerie. I played him, turning my back, running my hands down my legs back to my pussy, caressing her. When I played with my breasts, he drooled. When I saw his eyes almost glaze over, I'd remove the bra and upped my action on my breasts, licking and biting my nipples. Once I saw his erection leaking, I pulled the "g" string to the side and played with my labia. As he breathed deeply, I mounted him and used my kegel muscles to make him cum as fast as I could. He never lasted long.

"I didn't joke, it was at most five inches and about an inch round at best.

"He couldn't kiss my breasts as I played with them as I rode him. He never kissed or caressed them afterwards but he made me cuddle in. I couldn't stop him pawing my breasts but he never enjoyed them as you did. I never came from him doing that. He's not a breast maestro like you.

"Michael, I'm extremely ashamed to say, all the time I was dancing, even fucking him, I visualised I was dancing or fucking you. It was the only way I could get through it. He caught me smiling at times and thought he had me. He was the great lover. It was me thinking of something to add to it to blow your mind. He had the basic version, you'd have had the premium triple X version.

"I'll never lie to you about what happened. I'll tell you everything you wish to know."

Sharon spoke softly, "Dorothy, a man's ego often shows other men as better lovers than them. In cases like yours, no matter the knowledge it sometimes takes time for them to accept the truth. If there were recordings, I wouldn't suggest Michael viewed them. Perhaps someone he trusted.

"With his anger down, he will begin to recognise when you are telling the truth like he did before.

"Do you have a question for him?"

Dorothy looked at me, "Michael did you have anything to do with Dawson's accident?"

I looked at her, "I have a very strong alibi."

She smiled.

Sharon caught that exchange but wisely said nothing.

She asked, "Michael, when you saw them together, apart from your anger, what was your strongest emotion?"

I had to think, "I was certainly mad. At both of us. My thoughts weren't coherent as I put my anger on her and my sorrow on her as well. I felt empty, a sadness I've never felt."

Sharon asked, "Why mad at yourself?"

I added sadly, "Why hadn't I seen this? Why hadn't I done something earlier? Would it have prevented it? What had I done so wrong she needed another man?"

Sharon smiled, "Why mad at her?"

I was speaking more loudly, "She'd betrayed us! Our dreams, our desires, the life I thought we would have. For some toffee-nosed arsehole. Money over me."

Sharon asked, "What dreams?"

I was crying, "I've only envisaged being with Dorothy for the rest of my life. We were looking at having our children. We talked of the life we wanted to give them. We even talked about us, being old. Dorothy still wanted an active sex life even if she had to splint me. We'd travel, make new memories. Together."

Dorothy laughed though her tone was so sad, "Those were our dreams I shattered. I should have done one thing I threatened. There was a programme on how to make your own dildo. I was going to make a cast of him and make one for myself. He was happy until I said I'd sell them at the Saturday market."

I was blushing.

Sharon steered the conversation in a different direction. She spoke quietly, "Let's get away from sex. How did you first meet? What were your first impressions?"

Dorothy smiled, "I'd been at a party for a friend's 21^st. It was the usual, drinking, some dancing. I was quite shy. I did have a rule. I never accepted any request from someone who had only ogled my breasts. Men seem attracted to them rather than me. Michael was with another group and he backed into me. He turned to apologise and kept his eyes on mine. He looked like he couldn't believe his luck. We had a drink and he walked me home. He never tried anything on. His intelligence and humour was what attracted me to him. He seemed so caring, loved people. He stammered when he asked if I would go on a date with him. He was just as shy as me.

"I gave him a polite kiss. I felt a spark. He seemed to be someone well worth getting to know."

I spoke, "I had seen Dorothy during the party. She was the most attractive girl there. She seemed so lively and her smile lit up the room. She was out of my league. I did step back unintentionally. As I turned I saw it was her. Her eyes mesmerised me. I'm sure she's a witch as many times when I've looked in them I find myself doing something other than I expected. The walk to her home was great. We spoke so much but I couldn't tell you what we spoke about. I was lost in her eyes. She was as intelligent, humorous as she was beautiful. I nervously asked her out expecting her to laugh at me. To my amazement she agreed. Her kiss was an electric shock. I had never felt that when kissing a girl before. I walked home so happy."

Sharon smiled, "What did you learn on your dates?"

Dorothy smiled, "Michael was always a gentleman. His manners were perfect. He spoke about so many things he had an interest in. He had me telling him all my interests. He joined me and my friends for walks, I went to football matches. He took me to the theatre, the cinema. If I was sceptical he'd explain why he wanted to see something. He always listened to me. I went to some I didn't think I'd like and enjoyed them. Those that I knew, he never forced me. He always put me first."

I smiled, "We did so much together, experiencing what there was. Some was good, some a disaster but the main thing for me was that she was with me."

Sharon asked quietly, "How long before you started exploring each other's bodies?"

Dorothy blushed, "I was a virgin. I soon wanted to but he took his time. I thought it was four months but Michael said six. I laid a trap for him."

I blushed, "I didn't have much experience and I didn't want to blow it. She was more important than sex."

Sharon smiled, "Did sex become more important or do you still feel what you do together, the support, the fun, the dreams are more important?"

Dorothy laughed, "It was everything together. Sex was maybe not always spontaneous. I'd think of something I wanted him to experience and plan how to do it. Mostly it was. We could come home high after a night out and fuck ourselves senseless. If he was down, I'd cuddle him and on occasion we ended up having sex. It was just part of our relationship."

I spoke quietly, "I agree. There were so many layers to our relationship. We supported each other, we teased, we laughed, we cried together. We did things together but were happy for the other to have time with their friends. I did plan some sex dates but as Dorothy said, most were spontaneous. Her eyes could overrule my mind and I'd be surprised we were fucking."

Sharon asked, "Was it everything you wanted?"

Dorothy and I both said "No" together.

Sharon nodded.

As we were about to finish, Sharon asked the question, I'd primed her to ask, "Michael, what do you wish to do?"

I looked at Sharon and then Dorothy, "If Dorothy wishes, I'll try and support her as much as I can. I do mean it when I say Dawson is the only one responsible. I do love her even if I don't know the future. I don't want her to feel abandoned. I'll be there if she feels she needs me rather than her parents or friends."

Dorothy was shocked. "Michael, I'd love your support. I know it will be difficult especially at first but I don't want to hide anything from you. To have you feel you've been misled, lied to. If you know everything you'll know I didn't do this to hurt you. At first I thought I could cope. It would be once every three weeks. The rest of the time, I'd make love to you so often you'd welcome a break. I found I couldn't get over my disgust at myself and it's that which drove our arguments. My conscience screamed, "Michael doesn't deserve this. Set him free to find someone who loves him." I couldn't let you go but I drove you away.