Discovering Myself Pt. 01

Discovering myself. Part 1

My given name is Kathleen Mary Jean, but everyone calls me Katie. I don't know why my parents named me that, as I always hated it. So, from a young age, I was always Katie or Kat. I grew up in a modest middle-class house in the greater Chicagoland area. I went to good schools, had a good family background, and did well. I grew up in the late 80s through the '90s coming of age before the turn of the millennium.

I dated in school like most of us do. I wasn't the most popular girl and was kind of out there at times, so I never got the pick of the litter when it came to boys. When I was in college, I had my first "minor" lesbian experience being drunk at the bar and kissing a girl on the dance floor. You know that old chestnut. I didn't think much of it, never was more than a bit of a make-out session in a club, but it sparked something inside of me that years later turned into a white-hot passion.

After college, I married a man I was absolutely in love with. He never went to college and my associate's degree was in early childhood development. I never did find good work in public grade schools; as I only had a two-year degree, so I never made the cut. I found myself working in a lot of daycares and pre-school settings, but could never land the job I wanted. My husband, at the time, was working for a large cell phone provider as an installer, so even though neither of us had reached our dreams, between us we made good money and were surviving. That is until I got pregnant. I ended up being a stay-home mom for years and after three kids I had started to get older, I decided it was time to go back to work.

I landed a job at a daycare facility and was working but just not feeling happy. I had always suffered from light bouts of depression and anxiety and now that there were more mouths to feed and my pay, along with hubby's wasn't cutting it. The stress of marrying young, the kids, and the bills made our lives tougher increasingly difficult. I was also very down on myself. I had gained a lot of pregnancy weight and even though it had been years since the birth of my last child. I still hadn't lost as much as I wanted. I felt old. I felt fat, I felt unwanted.

One of my co-workers noticed the change in me and after some deep conversations, in which I admitted my feelings and concerns, she recommended a therapist. And even though we didn't have the money, I went and spoke with her. She prescribed me some light anti-depressants and advised me to start changing my life for what I wanted it to be. That same co-worker was big on going to the gym and working out and she asked me if I would like to start going a few days a week after work to start exercising. I wasn't keen on the idea as I was never an active athletic girl, but I thought if I could lose the weight and start feeling better, why not?

I started working out and after a few minor (what felt like) heart attacks and strokes running on the treadmill, I started to lose a bit of weight and started feeling healthier. My time away from hubby and the kids were a bit of a strain, coupled with our financial situation and the arguments that ensued, which led to a whole new set of problems. But I was bound and determined to get better. To feel better. To live better and to become better.

After many close personal workout sessions with my co-worker, I actually began to realize I was attracted to her. She was a few years younger than I was. Way thinner had big ample breasts and always wore these tight little outfits that hugged her body. I didn't know if the attraction was physical or emotional, because I finally had a real good friend and a break away from my monotonous life of work, hubby, kids, dinner, and sleep. Either way, I began to question where I was going in life and whom I wanted to be with. I had never thought about women in that way. And I had never had sexual feelings for any female, even when I had that drunken kiss. But something about her and our time at the gym just got me thinking way more than I should have been. But I surely wasn't going to tell her. And I wasn't going to cross that line of having an affair with a co-worker. I realized that maybe all wasn't as it seemed for me emotionally. And I began questioning everything about me, about life, about love, and about longing and desires.

I kept my feelings and erotic thoughts to myself and just went on with improving myself, and after some time, I lost a decent amount of weight and started feeling better and looking better. My co-worker ended up leaving our daycare center, so after that, I rarely heard from her. She was married with kids and had - what seemed like the perfect life - so even if she was as attracted to me as I was to her, I wasn't going to interfere with that. And even though I lost my workout buddy, I was still bound and determined to keep going and to keep fighting for myself. But the thoughts of women still remained present and focused.

I was at the gym one night later than usual working on the bench press machine when I was approached by a female. I was doing hip lifts off of the bench and she asked me what that exercise did. What muscles did it work? She introduced herself as Rebecca. I spoke with her for a while and we took turns doing reps as she learned something new. I'd see her from time to time and as time went on and we spoke more, I learned more about her.

Rebecca was new to town; she had moved here from central Wisconsin and was working at a factory and doing large catering jobs evenings and weekends to supplement her income. Our conversation went from; how have you been? How are things? To more in-depth lengthy conversations and I grew a fondness of having someone at the gym to talk to and work out with.

One night she asked me if I wanted a second job to make some quick cash doing a side gig as she did. She informed me of the details and after some lengthy conversations with my hubby, I agreed to work with her. Let me just relate at this point the hubby and I were estranged. The love and lust between us was gone. We barely spent any time alone and both of us wanted out of this marriage. As hard as it was for either one of us to admit, let alone accept. We knew it was time. I was looking for other places to live and he was planning on just moving back home with his mom, until after things were settled and he knew where he'd be financially.

I started working catering jobs with Rebecca. They were mostly Friday or Saturday nights. Usually at high-class museums, sporting events, or private parties. The work wasn't hard, just a few hours of walking around with trays of hours devours, or champagne, or serving plates of food to guests at tables. Plus, I didn't have to be home with him. It made for a long day to work evenings after working all day at my regular job, but the $150.00 to $200.00 extra per night, made it all worth the while.

I grew a fondness for the people I was working with, the job, and the extra money. But through it all, I grew a fondness for Rebecca. She was always friendly, open, and chatty and she looked so sexy in those tight black pants and white shirt serving outfits. Hard to be attracted to someone in that outfit, right? But something about her had my attention.

I was falling for her. And it scared me to death. Where were these feelings coming from? Why was I attracted to her? Was it because my marriage was over? Because I hadn't been laid in well over a year. My recent attraction to my old co-worker? To certain females? Was I a lesbian and just never realized it? All I knew is I wanted her.

In my head, I thought things I had never thought I'd ever think or even say. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to make out with her. I wanted to be alone and slowly undress her and touch her. I wanted to have sex with her. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to eat her pussy. I wanted her face in between my legs. I wanted it all! I'd get so wet and so turned on by talking to her. Watching her, working with her, taking smoke breaks with her. But I just couldn't pull the trigger and ask her out, or make a move. I was still that shy, outcast, chubby little girl from years past, who never believed in herself or what she could accomplish.

Enter Matthew. Matthew joined our crew about 3 months after I started working. He was young and naive, but a good guy. He befriended Rebecca and I quickly and the three of us became inseparable. Matthew was into me, but I wasn't into him. He was in his early 20's, while at this moment I was already 35, divorcing, three kids, and wouldn't even consider him as a boyfriend or husband material. And besides, I had done the boyfriend and marriage thing and that didn't pan out as planned. Plus - to be honest here - I wanted Rebecca. One late night some weeks later as we were finishing up a job in downtown, Matthew was pushing the issue of dating me and I was shrugging him off as usual, when during our conversation my filter stopped working and I slipped up.

"Common Katie, you know I like you. We should go out to dinner and a movie and see each other out of work." He spoke.

"Matthew, I have told you several times, that you're too young for me. Plus, I'm not quite divorced yet." I replied with a sinister smile on my face.

"Yeah, but that's exactly my point Katie, we could start slowly and when it's all over with him, you can be with me." He replied.

"Look Matthew," I answered sharply. "You're a sweetheart and I am flattered. But if I was going to date anyone here, it would be Rebecca, not you."

My head dropped the moment I said it; because I knew what I just blurted out. What had just slipped from my lips. I knew he heard it and I knew I said it aloud. And more importantly, I knew I finally had admitted something out loud instead of just to myself.

Matthew literally dropped the plate he was prepping for washing, looked over and at me, and said,

"Wait, what? You'd rather date Rebecca?" He scoffed.

"Are you a lesbian?" He asked.

There was no going back. I knew he heard it; I knew I said it and my little secret desire was now out of the bag.

"No Matthew, I am not a lesbian," I replied. "I just find myself more into her than any man I have met lately."

"Wow!" he replied. "I would have never guessed that."

"But I think the feeling is mutual," he implied as he went back to prepping the dishes.

"Wait. What?" I asked. "The feeling is mutual?" I questioned further.

"Yeah, Katie. Can't, you tell? She's into you too." He spoke.

"I see the way she looks at you. The way she flirts with you teases you and hangs on you. She hasn't come right out and said it to me. But she has surely hinted about it, talks about you, wants to work with you, and hangs out with you. I think she's in love with you." He replied.

My heart skipped a beat. Feelings and emotions ran throw me like never before. I got light-headed, excited, and nervous all in a matter of milliseconds.

"She's into me?" I asked.

"Of course, she is." He replied. "Go ask her out."

I panicked. I froze. I didn't know what to do. I stood there at the wash table hands soaking wet, apron dropping with soapy water, head swaying back and forth trying to process the conversation I just had had the excitement of knowing she was into me.

"Go!" He said in a demanding voice. "GO!"

I shut the water off. Ripped the apron over my head, set it down on the counter, and started wandering through the kitchen area. Asking everyone I passed if they knew where Rebecca was.

"She's outside smoking." Came from a voice of one of the waiter staff.

I walked through the kitchen out to the back door and swung it open with such force that it made a large booming sound as it hit the wall. I stepped out into the cool fall evening and in the dark along the dock was Rebecca standing there, cigarette burning in her hand, her eyes now affixed to me.

My heart was racing, my legs felt like rubber, and my stomach was turning. All the times I had pictured this. Wanted this. Fantasized about this. Masturbated thinking about her, had all come to this.

Rebecca didn't say a word, she just watched as I walked over towards her, her body shifting ever so slightly to be face to face with me. The walk took about five seconds but felt like it was in slow motion. I wasn't going to "just" ask her out, I wasn't going to be a fumbling idiot, I was going for it.

I walked right up to her and before she could even say a word, my hand slipped along the side of her face and I leaned in and kissed her. Our lips touched and she froze for a moment, almost pulling back until she began to reciprocate. Her lips started to part and our mouths opened. Our tongues touched for the first time and we stood embraced having our first kiss. I was trembling with nervousness and excitement as our tongues swirled in and out of each other's mouths. It was beyond measurable.

The kiss was only about a minute long, as we both tried to break from it, only to want more and continued kissing. When we finally pulled away, our eyes met and Rebecca had this ginormous smile on her face. I whispered, "I have been wanting to do that forever."

Rebecca's eyes twinkled and she said, "Me too. What took you so long?"

"Fear," was my only reply.

Just as we clinched hands and were leaning in for the second kiss, A loud booming voice railed through the dock area.

"Common girls, I don't pay you for smoke brakes."

We both looked to see the serving manager at the door, calling us in to finish the clean-up work.

"We'll finish this later." She whispered to me.

We both went in and finished our shifts and when it was time to head out, Rebecca asked me to sit with her in her car before heading home. I was nervous, I felt like a teenager on a first date, but I was willing. When work was over Rebecca, Matthew, and I were walking through the parking lot towards our cars. Matthew didn't know we had kissed and didn't realize we wanted to be alone without him tonight. He kept insisting we all go for a bite, or go have a drink, but we couldn't quite get him to grasp that we were just heading home.

After Matthew finally drove away, Rebecca asked me if id like to sit in her car and have a smoke. Of course, was my answer. But at that moment those fears of being unattractive, uneasy, shy outcast young adult, and being overweight (at least at some points) all came flooding back.

As we got into her car, we both fired up a smoke. We knew why we were there; we knew what was going to happen, but we both acted like we were just hanging out. Pretending to be all nonchalant, like it was just another day. Rebecca must have smoked her whole cigarette in like 3 minutes. It was literally, take a drag, blow it out, take another drag, blow it out, ash out the window, take another drag. I think she was actually more nervous than I was.

But that moment came when she flicked her cigarette out the window. She turned to look at me and I knew it was coming. And even though we had already kissed, this one was going to be better, more personal, more heated, and more desirable. I looked down to see the cigarette in my hand shaking, my stomach was turning and I was still unsure if this is where I wanted to be. Rebecca lifted my head up from looking down and pulled my face towards her as she leaned in to kiss me. Her lips touched mine and the sparks flew.

As nervous as I was about being here kissing someone knew. It was heightened because it was a woman, not a man, not my husband. A woman! A woman I wanted, a woman, I had dreamt about. A woman I have rubbed my pussy thinking about who is kissing me in the back of a dark hotel parking lot.

Our tongues swirled around each other mouths. The taste of food and nicotine on both of our breaths with the smell of food on our uniforms. But as bad as they may sound, it was absolutely erotic. I felt tingles throughout my body as our hands clinched and the kiss deepened. Heightened further when she leaned further into me by pushing herself more towards my seat. Her hand touched my face, my body submitting to her every desire. My pussy throbbed, getting wet as we deepened our lust for one another.

Her hand pulled from mine exploring and rubbing up and down my leg over those nasty black work pants, as my hand caressed her face, her cheek, her neck. Not a word was spoken every time we broke from the kiss, just deep eye contact and a return to passionate kissing. My heart thumping, my tits yearning to be touched, my nipples wanting to be pulled caressed, sucked on. Her hand eventually leaving my leg and coming to rest on my tit.

I slid my hand down off of Rebecca's face and onto the nape of her neck, slowly sinking further and further massaging the bottom of her throat along the neckline, down to the opening of her shirt. Across the buttons and onto her tits. My hand mimicked every move she made on me. I had never felt up a woman before, but to feel the outline of her bra, the bulging inside of the cup to her whimper and moan as my hands caressed her tits over her shirt, as her hands did the same to me was beyond belief.

As the fear broke more and the situation developed further, I felt her unbuttoning my shirt buttons. The tenderness of feeling the loosening buttons one by one was breathtaking, and almost made me panic-stricken. But I wanted this. Rebecca slid her hand down into my shirt, cupping my right tit over my bra. I gasped for air with my back arching as I was being touched for the first time, by someone of the same sex. And by someone, I had a girl crush on.

I was so turned on that I couldn't contain my desires. I pulled my shirt flaps from inside my pants and opened the rest of the buttons, pulling my shirt wide open. Rebecca's hand slid up and down my torso, along my skin, back and forth over my tits. My hands getting more and more involved with feeling her up.

Rebecca pulled away from our kiss and looked around as she unbuttoned her shirt, pulling it open, unbuckling her belt, and popping the top button of her work pants open. She adjusted her hips a bit more and pulled me towards her, over the center column as she placed my hand upon her left tit. I rubbed back and forth with vigor and passion, as her hand slowly reached into my bra cups, getting her first feel of my tit. I returned the favor by sliding my hand into her cups. We both worked on kissing and caressing each other's tits, as this make-out session got even hotter.

Rebecca's pulled her hand from inside my bra, reached up, and pulled her bra cups down, exposing her sexy hot tits. She reached up under both of them with her hands, pulling them inwards and upwards as a jester of how excited she was that her tits were out.

I was still in absolute awe of the moment and just stared at her tits through the ambient light shining in from the parking lot. Rebecca leaned back over to me and pulled down the cups of my bra whispering, "I wanna suck em."

As I shifted back down onto my seat Rebecca leaned over and downward and I felt the warmth of her lips, then her whole mouth cover my left nipple. I gasped with a deep low breath as my hand came to rest upon the top of her head as she licked, kissed, and sucked on my nipples. My pussy was throbbing and my legs unconsciously opened and shifted as if I wanted something deep in my pussy.

Rebecca's hand slid up and down my inner thigh as her mouth worked my nipples making them hard, wet, and sensitive to her touch. I wanted her hand on my pussy so bad. I was actually trying to scootch down, shifting my legs up and down and in and out to imply I wanted her hand there. I wanted her tits in my mouth, I wanted her fingers inside me. I wanted to be licking her pussy from top to bottom, I wanted it all.

Rebecca's hand finally made its way all the way up to my pussy. I felt her cup and caress me over my pants. As soon as her hand hit, I became so wet, that I could feel the wetness dripping onto my panties. I was so aroused, so excited, and in such need of a fingering, that I was begging her to fuck me... Well at least in my mind I was.