Do You Believe?

Now I had a baby boy, Jacob, to take care of and no one willing to help me. I couldn't keep my job, my heart was not in it. When I told Jerome he would have nothing to do with me or the baby. When I showed Jacob to him he went as far as to say, "How do I know it's mine?" That hurt.

Whenever I walked the baby in the stroller people would smile at me and want to look at the baby. Nine times out of ten their smile would quickly fade when they saw him. He was not ugly, just not what people expected or wanted to see.

I applied for welfare and got an apartment that accepted Section 8. I had moved closer to Atlanta where they were more accepting of mixed-race babies.

I was getting hit on by all the Brothers. They knew I had fucked a black man and they wanted a piece of me. I refused them all until I met James. He at least treated me like a lady, not as a piece of meat.

James is a good man. He has helped me pay the bills, raise Jacob, and fulfill my sexual needs, diminished as they are. Losing your husband and having a baby by someone else will do that to you.

When Jacob was one year old, I got served. I read the papers over and over. My marriage would be officially over. I didn't fight it. I knew Kurt, he would never come back to me. I was destined to a life of single parenthood.

After a few years James started stepping out on me. What could I say though, we weren't married, just living together. It bothered me, but I didn't love him and he didn't love me. It was a relationship of convenience. I said something about him stepping out on me a few times and we would get into a big fight. He would leave and I would call him and beg him to come back. I couldn't stand someone else leaving me.

"So now Jacob is 5 years old. I love him dearly, but I don't love my life. God took revenge on me for choosing to party instead of going to church, for pulling Kurt away from the church, for lying to my husband, and for cheating."

"Vengeance is Mine" says the Lord. I know there is a God because he has heaped vengeance upon me.

I looked at my downstairs neighbor, she had a look of pity on her face. "I don't know what to say." She said. "I was hoping to reach you for God but he has already touched you." She said. Then she said, "I need to go let the dogs out downstairs. I'm sorry." Then she left me alone to think.

Kurt

Monday, a week or so after I had told my story, I got a call from my old pastor. He explained that he knew what happened, but thought I would want to know that Belle had passed away. The funeral was tomorrow. He apologized for the short notice but he wasn't sure how to get ahold of me. He had just found out that I was working at the Outback in Lincoln.

Tuesdays were still my days off so I booked a flight leaving that night. The service was to be at 11:00 with visitation an hour before.

I arrived at the church, my old church, my first church, promptly at 10:00. I needed to find out what happened. I had to find a tactful way to ask.

Her parents, my ex-in-laws, were standing there as I walked in. They looked at me, the expressions on their faces showed no hate for me. The expressions were sorrowful, but it seemed less for the loss of their daughter than for what could have been.

I walked up to them, they greeted me warmly, with tears in their eyes. These people were more of a mother and father to me than my own. They gave me an example of a loving relationship and loving family. A huge contrast from my own parents.

"Thank you for coming Kurt. I really wasn't expecting you. How did you hear about it?"

"Pastor John called my restaurant yesterday. What happened?"

"Long story short, Belle and the guy she was living with, were out on a second story back porch arguing. She turned to get away from him, slipped, and fell over the low rail into the back yard. There were two pit bulls in the yard and they mauled her to death." Gerald, my ex-father-in-law told me. He had never been one to pull punches or beat around the bush.

"I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm really sorry for your loss." I said.

"Kurt, we're sorry for everything that happened. You didn't deserve that." Shirley, my ex-mother-in-law said.

"I'm sorry for how I handled it, but ever since I was a little boy whenever there were problems at home, I ran. That's how I got so good at cross country. Maybe if I would have stayed around things would have turned out differently."

"We all have to deal with the consequences of our actions," Gerald said, "She made her bed, she had to lie in it."

Other people started coming into the visitation so I stepped away and looked at the casket. Of course, it was closed. Many of the people that came were from the church so I became the focus of their condolences too. They wished I was still around and active in church.

When the funeral began I sat in one of the middle pews. My in-laws were sitting there in the front pew. They had asked if I would sit with them but I just couldn't. Sitting next to them, I could only assume, was Jacob. He was crying softly.

None of my family came, not that I expected them. The only time they had been in a church was at my wedding.

When Pastor John asked if anyone wanted to speak, I got up.

"To all of you that knew Belle I want to say thank you for coming. She was my Jessie. I was the only one she let call her that. I loved her with all my heart, maybe too much if that is possible. When she wanted to stay in bed on Sunday mornings instead of coming to church, I acquiesced. Perhaps if we had been better church going Christians none of our problems would have happened."

I looked at Gerald and Shirley, sitting in the pew with Jacob a few feet away. Jacob, a 5 year old boy, needed comfort but didn't feel he could get it from his grandparents, otherwise he would have been sitting between them. Maybe they couldn't give him the comfort he needed.

I went on, "I met Jessie in 9th grade. She is the one that brought me to this church. She got me active in regular worship, youth group, and mission trips. It was on one of those trips that I met God. All of you from this church supported me and helped me on my new path. I will never forget that. You took in this lost sheep."

I looked at Jacob again. He was a lost sheep. Where would he end up? His biological father was long gone. The guy Jessie was living with didn't want him, he hadn't even shown up for the funeral. I decided then and there that I would take this lost sheep home with me. After all Jessie and I were still married, technically, when he was born.

I went on again, "I am part of another flock now, still part of God's family, just in another state. I ask you today to remember Belle for who she was, the girl that grew up in this church. The girl that brought this sinner to God."

"To all the members of this church, the Thyatira Presbyterian Church, I say remember the good times as we say good bye to my Jessi Belle."

Author's note. 2 Kings 9:30-37. Revelations 2:20