Donna's Weekend

As soon as I woke the thought was with me; June 3rd Donna's weekend. Tiger meowed that it was time to get up, his grey and white face purring against my chin.

"Hey sweetie." I scratched his neck.

Donna had found him, a kitten clinging to a sewer drain in a rainstorm. He apparently never forgot that Donna had rescued him. He favored her and went berserk when she didn't come home.

For months the nightmare scene; Tiger standing before me meowing plaintively, me crying endlessly. I knew he was asking me "where is she? Can't you do anything about this?" The two of us were lost for a while, clinging to each other, and Donna's sister Laura for survival. The passing of time made him mine. I probably would have gone mad these years without the two of them.

He arched his back and walked around on me while I petted him. A pale light shimmered through the back window along with the sunrise sound of chirping birds. Tiger looked up expectantly, but no birds were in sight.

He followed me to the bathroom and leapt up on to the counter to watch me. While he swatted at the toothbrush in its holder he bumped the shampoo bottle behind him just hard enough to tip it over.

I watched from my seat as it tilted, paused, balanced between standing and falling before tipping all the way. My mind said, grab it, but my hand didn't reply. I watched the bottle's slow motion flip. Again my mind ordered, catch it, but I could only watch as it continued down, and landed right side up. It bounced, and came to rest standing at my feet. Tiger looked down at the bottle; we stared at each other.

"Pretty cool, huh?"

I picked up the bottle, and replaced it where it had been. I looked at it for a moment, stuck. I shook my head, and proceeded to the kitchen where Tiger brushed against my legs while I brewed coffee.

"I better make double Tiger. Your Aunt Laura is coming."

Tiger meowed, doing figure eights between my legs. I opened a can of his food and served him on his mat. While he ate, and the coffee brewed, I went to shower and get ready.

I washed quickly, dried myself and blew my hair dry. I wanted to look nice for Laura, but I thought make-up would be conspicuous for camping alone. I settled for some lip-gloss and a hint of blush. looked myself over-not nice enough.

In the bedroom I pulled on undies and my favorite old jeans, slid into my sandals and atypically omitting a bra, pulled on a loose fitting long sleeve hunter green tee that Laura said went with my eyes.

I gave myself the once over in the mirror and fussed with my blouse. I scanned the few treasured photos on my dresser. Grandma's Mount Rushmore face looked back at me, loving and steadfast.

"Why do I torture myself Mama?" Next to her, a picture of Donna snuggling kitten Tiger; Donna's eyes alive with love for me. Two of Donna and Laura preschool age, building a sand castle, a college graduation picture of each of them, a picture of their whole family at Christmas dinner- me seated between the sisters, and a picture of Donna dressed to kill from just before she died. I sighed, and went for a last look through the gear I had stacked last night in the mud room, grabbing coffee on the way.

Standing over the pile of goods, I ticked off the items. Complete camping gear, check, and a pile of stakes. I was fixed for camping or vampire hunting. What was I forgetting.

I realized I had forgotten the cigarettes. Laura would be arriving soon and I didn't want to leave even to walk to the corner. I didn't want to get on the highway without them though.

Taking a twist tie from the food box I went outside to my beloved deep blue Subaru. May as well start loading anyway, I thought. I tied the twist tie around the steering wheel, and started loading the car I was putting the last tarp in when I heard Laura behind me.

"The automotive choice of lesbians everywhere."

I laughed, closing the hatch-back before turning around.

Donna and Laura both had an exotic look that gave me goose-bumps. Their mother was Russian, their father Swiss. They had dark, almost black hair, big blue cats eyes and sharp features. Their exaggerated lips were prone to devilish smiles. I didn't think anyone was prettier than Donna, except Laura as she looked to me now.

"Hey Laura." She opened the gate, and I leaned forward to hug her, avoiding her breasts. I suppressed a shudder. She had on faded jeans and a dark blue Pink Floyd tee-shirt. She had adopted her sister's classic rock tastes, but the style was all her own. Everything was so neat. Her tee shirt looked ironed, and the jeans while old, had the well-kept look of treasured antiques. Her black sneakers screamed brand spanking new. I held her hands and backed up to look at her.

"You look amazing."

"Well, I dressed up for you." She laughed. "You look great."

"Thanks. Come on inside. I made coffee." I always made a point to tell her how she looked to me. This was my idea of cover; a double fake. Better I tell her how I admired her beauty than hide it, and have her notice me admiring her.

Inside, she waited with her hand on the mud-room door until I closed the outside one, then opening it she spread her arms, and entered with a flourish.

"TIGER," she exclaimed, picking him up. Tiger meowed, rubbing his cheek against hers.

"He loves you more than anyone," I said. Laura shot me a look as she scratched Tiger's jowl.

"I'm the only other person he sees Abby."

"Not true." I shook my head and raised a finger, but Laura beat me to it.

"No, you go to Peggy's on Friday night I know, dinner and a movie. Did you go last night?"

"Yes we did, in fact." I gave her a smug look, so there.

"I think you only go to give Tiger a social life. Did you take him on the leash?"

I nodded.

Her unique voice was throaty and cheerful, like an American Flyer gliding down fresh snow. I thought her vocal chords must be as singular as her shapely matchless lips.

"What did you watch?" She put Tiger down, stole over to the coffee maker, poured herself a cup, and went to the couch to sit. My eyes followed her understated fluid movements, noting again how different they were from Donna's, even though their appearance was similar. While Donna would dominate a room, Laura didn't seem to disturb even the air when she moved. Yet her presence was felt by the calm she instilled.

While sipping her coffee and looking up at me she held her hand out. Tiger jumped up and slithered right under her palm. They moved together like Clyde Frazier and Earl the Pearl even though they only saw each other a few times a month now.

"We watched Vanilla Sky. Tiger and Blue snuggled and played. We did pizza and beer. It was fun."

"You know she probably has a crush on you." She sipped her coffee, smiled and rolled her eyes. Her crocodile grin flashed and her eyes glittered mischievously.

"Get out. She's straight."

"I don't know how straight she is." She teased Tiger with her hair. "I always thought she had a thing for Donna. I saw the way she looked at her. "

"They were friends. Lots of girls liked to look at Donna."

"Yeah well." She looked down and rubbed the cat's belly. I knew what she said was probably true, at least about Peggy's feelings for Donna. I too thought Peggy might have wanted Donna. I hoped Laura was less observant when she was the subject. I looked at her until she returned my gaze.

"It's my opinion Laura, that Donna (or you-I didn't say) could turn any woman gay."

Laura nodded and frowned before looking down at Tiger who was stretching and squirming under her hand. I admired the white skin of her neck against the midnight hair. She tucked her hair and I was taken by her perfect, adorable ear. Ugh! Just kill me now.

"Mom say's hi by the way. Oh, almost forgot." She got up and went to the counter where her Coach was. I eyeballed her body in the soft cotton jeans, lowered my head to sip coffee. She pulled a vial out, and put it in the fridge (her pot), then retrieved a baggie with a rose bud, and handed it to me. "Mom asked if you would."

"Of course." I took it and put it in my bag.

Laura had become a wonderful friend after Donna died. Donna's mother treated me like a daughter in law, and Laura treated me like a sister. I came to Christmas, to the summer barbecues and birthdays. The pictures of Donna and me were still there on the mantle. Her father took some time to warm but he did. He grew even warmer to me after Donna died. I happily returned their love. With Grandma gone, membership in Donna's family was a treasure. However, lately I couldn't bring myself to see them as much as I would have liked; I felt like a fraud.

Over this past year, Laura had become a problem. For two years after her sister died she was like a piece of Donna that I had been allowed to keep. I always relished our time together, and her friendship had become my life-blood. She was my only intimate friend. The other few I had, maintained the skeleton image of my social life.

Then about a year ago I noticed my feelings towards her changed. I was shocked to find I was in love with her. I began to put some space between us then. I explained that it was difficult, her being so much like Donna. She accepted that, and gave me space, but treated me as lovingly as ever. For her it was natural to look at me as a replacement older sister. She knew how dedicated I had been to Donna. However, as I got to really know her, see her as separate from Donna, I found a woman whom I loved passionately.

I could no longer deny I loved her more than I had her sister, which mortified me. Guilt aside, I was at a loss as to what I should do about it. Laura thought of me as family. I was afraid she would view my feelings as a betrayal, both to her, and Donna's memory. She obviously didn't share my passion, and was perfectly natural in her sisterly love for me.

If it was possible I would have spared myself and stopped seeing her altogether but I couldn't. Frankly I didn't think I could go on living if I couldn't see her. I needed to know she was there even if it was at a long arm's length away.

Each sight of her grew more painful as my longing blossomed. The pain of seeing her was preferable to the thought of not seeing her. I felt there was no way out of this mess.

"Abby...Abby." She snapped her fingers. I didn't have a good grip today.

"Sorry."

"It's okay." She looked at me with concern, and I felt it was time to get out of there.

I turned to get a last shot of coffee. "Well, I better get going."

"Stay a minute, okay? I want to talk."

"I want to get there, you know?" I added soy milk, turned and asked casually,

"What's up?"

"Well, you know I love you."

"Um hmm. Me too."

"I try to stay out of your business, but it's hard to watch you live like this."

"Like what?" I glanced at her, then away. I picked at some imaginary lint on my blouse.

"You know." She looked down at Tiger. This apparently wasn't easy for her either, which was unusual. She was typically confident and direct. "Donna's gone three years now Abby. You have to start living again." I cringed. My heart ached twenty ways. I just looked at her. My god Laura, could you be any more beautiful? It hurt, like looking at the sun.

"I don't want to push you but you really have to start letting me fix you up." She glanced at Tiger and back up at me, the look on her face was quiet and sober. "I know some nice girls."

"Then why aren't you hooked up."

"Oh, you know, that's different. I'm so busy. And I date at least. I just haven't found the right girl."

"Me neither." I looked down and picked at my shirt again. She was watching me when I raised my eyes.

"But you don't even meet anyone Ab, you don't try." She was feeling impatient with me, I could tell. She was struggling to keep it in check, had apparently been holding on to this for a while. The quiet, sober look was fraying.

"I'm not ready Laura, I'm just not."

"It's time Abby. Enough." She slapped her thigh in frustration, startling Tiger and maybe herself, momentarily. He circled and pounced on her hand. She played distractedly with him, continuing to look at me. "And it's not just that."

She picked Tiger up and rested him in her lap.

"I've respected your wishes, you know, not wanting to see me much. I know I remind you of her." She put her face down to the cat. Tiger softly boxed her head. She kissed him and then looked back up at me.

"You know, I miss her too, but...I love you in my own right. We're like sisters. I want to be closer with you again. I've given you a year."

We looked at each other, and I felt a painful rush of emotion. Some tears ran over my eyelids and down my cheeks. She started to rise. I held out my hand, STOP! She sat back down. I crossed my arms under my breasts and looked down, trying to remain calm.

"I don't expect you to take her place; it's not like that, really. it's just that...I don't know, I worry about you all the time. You're my most precious friend. I find myself thinking about you every day. I'm afraid to call, that I'll be bothering you." She looked up at me again, obviously struggling for words. I wasn't sure what was in her eyes, something unfamiliar. Was it hurt? She shrugged her shoulders. "For myself, I want to be closer so I made up my mind to tell you."

I tried to be still but my emotions erupted. Tears flooded my eyes. My throat closed like a trap. Laura looked at me, concerned at first, and then I saw it dawn on her face. Her eyes flapped open like sprung window-blinds. She caught her breath and her Cheshire mouth opened in what would have been a comic expression under different circumstances. I hadn't said a word but there it was in the air between us. She knew.

Neither of us moved for a frozen moment before I disgustedly tore my dripping eyes from her wide dry ones. I tried to cover my tracks. Turning away I took a deep breath, willing myself to speak. I tried raising my eyes as well, but only managed a furtive peek.

"I'm sorry L. It's this day and all. Can we have this talk when I get back?" I tried to stop crying. She rose from her seat, and I turned to her with my hand out again, STOP! She backed up and sat on the arm of the couch.

"I'm sorry, I really am Laura. I totally love you, I swear to god I do. I just can't do this now."

"Okay, okay" she said, "Don't you dare drive like this. Get yourself together. When you're really okay, you can go. You promise?"

I nodded.

"And call me when you get there. Don't you dare have an accident."

I nodded again, wiping my eyes.

"I'm good, thanks. I promise. I'll call you in a couple of hours." I glanced up at her. "Bye L." I pulled on my jacket and started for the door, eyes on the tile floor like a criminal slinking past reporters.

"Abigail?"

"What?" I snapped. I turned to her, and we looked at each other across the apartment.

"First of all your phone is by the coffee." I walked over, eyes still down and pocketed the phone.

"Sorry."

"Do you have your charger?"

"Yes I packed it already." I wanted to go.

"You just be careful out there, and bring yourself back to us, you hear? Pay attention to the road and forget what...I said, for now." She bounced Tiger like a baby, and looked fixedly at me.

"Okay L, I promise." I looked up. Our eyes locked. I was afraid of what I'd find there but she didn't look angry. She smiled softly, and blew her normal kiss.

"Call me."

"I will." Tiger looked at me from Laura's arms. I twiddled my fingers at him and left, closing the doors behind me.

I got in the car, started it up and pulled out carefully. What was I going to do now? Just exactly what I swore I'd never let happen and POOF, in one moment. Well, one thing at a time. Just do your thing and deal with Laura when you get back. At least she hadn't run screaming from the apartment.

She didn't seem disgusted, just shocked. So, she had no idea. Maybe I could count on that infinite compassion of hers. I noticed the twist-tie on the steering wheel, good. I pulled in at the train station and went to the newspaper stand. The young attendant looked me up and down.

"Help you?"

"Carton of Newport hundreds please."

"Carton of hundreds." He put them in a bag, threw in some matches.

In the car, I opened a pack, cracking my window. Being extra careful I lit a cigarette and pulled out. Smoking was wonderful for me but I only did it on this weekend trip each year. Donna had smoked Newport, and I used to grub one on occasion. I puffed lightly to get used to it again, and gradually took fuller drags. I headed for the highway, and got on with the sun rising before me.

Donna and I had been living together for two years when she started behaving strangely toward me. We stopped having sex and she became super-testy. I didn't pay it any mind; I thought it was an extended period of crankiness. Donna got like that sometimes, and I had learned to let it pass on its own.

But when she came home one night and said we had to talk, the past months came rushing back to me like a case of vertigo. I knew what she was going to say. Maybe I had known for weeks. I started crying as soon as she told me. She didn't want to tell me who it was.

She said they had been sleeping together since they met two months ago at a shoot, so I knew she must have been a model-the skinny bitch. I asked if she loved her, she said she didn't know. If she was going to keep seeing her, she didn't know that either. She lied about it all. She only had to tell me, she said, because she knew she was being unfair sneaking around.

In hindsight I think she wanted me to walk out right there but at the time I wanted to hold on to her at any cost. I wasn't angry so much as terrified. I told her to stop seeing the girl and give us a chance. She lied again and agreed. She didn't have the courage to say what she really wanted. Not yet.

We spent another week together. I tried to be easy and fun. I didn't crowd her or make her talk about (that woman). We never did talk about her and I never even learned her name. I kept up a calm front but really I was withering inside. A month before I thought I was safe, now there wasn't even air to breathe.

After a week Donna got her courage up. She said she had been wrong to mislead me that there was a chance. She was leaving the next day to start her new life. She couldn't help it, she said. She had been falling out of love with me for months now and had found the real thing. No more letting me down easy, now it was more like she was angry at me. I think I understand that now but at the time it was like being carpet-bombed.

She was going to her (the bitch) that night, and would be back to pack the next day when I was at work. I wouldn't see her again. I couldn't stop crying. I had to know, had I been blind? Had I done something? Did everyone know but me? What about her job, her family?

No one knew, she said, and no, it wasn't my fault. It was just one of those things. She couldn't face her family. They would be too disappointed; they liked me so much. She would call them from L.A. And she would find a new job. I asked her please to stay just that night but she wouldn't. I pleaded with her and she told me to stop. She grabbed her bag and left. I heard her car pull out and that was it; I was alone.

I cried for an hour before I was spent. Every cell in my body felt like soiled cat litter. I got up to take a hot shower and clear my head. While I was toweling off the phone rang. I ran to it, excited, thinking- It's Donna. It was the hospital.

She identified herself, confirmed this was Donna's residence, and asked if I was family. I asked what was wrong but she repeated the question, so I said yes, that I was her sister. I was told I should get to the hospital; that Donna had been in a car accident.