Donna's Weekend

I hung up, called her family and got Laura. I told her what the hospital said. We hung up and I raced there immediately. We arrived at the same time. Laura did the talking, and we were told Donna was in surgery. Her mother pulled my bathrobe tighter around me and tied it. We all sat silently together, holding hands and waiting for news.

When we were called into a room to talk to the doctor we were told that despite their efforts she had died. Her parents both screamed "NO" and I felt myself leaving. Their voices grew fainter and I was gone.

I woke, still on the floor with Laura cradling my head in her lap. To this day I can't remember much else about that night. I stayed at their house, where Laura took care of everyone.

She set me up in her room and gave me two pills which I swallowed obediently. When she came back to check on me I was still sitting on the bed with my hand on the folded pajamas she had left me. She took off my robe and dressed me, laid me down, tucked me in and told me to sleep.

I woke foggy and confused the next day. I screamed when I remembered what had happened. Laura came running in and held me. It was so unfair that she was taking care of me. There was no one left to take care of her. I held her tight, thinking of last night with Donna. I cried harder. What was I going to tell them, that I could have prevented this somehow? That if I had been love-able, Donna would still be alive?

Laura took a semester off to take care of her parents who were leveled flat. She saw me every day. I couldn't believe the depth of her strength. I knew how much she had loved her sister. She herself was wounded by Donna's death, but she took care of us all.

Everyone thought that Donna had died coming home from work. Each day that passed made it harder for me to tell them otherwise. What was the point? I imagined that it would make things worse. Whoever her new girl was, I never heard from her and no one from Donna's family mentioned anything. I could only figure she heard what happened and had slithered back to L.A.

I considered telling Laura but as the days became weeks I decided to let it rest with me. There seemed no good reason to tell them something Donna herself had chosen not to share. As the months became a year, life started returning to something resembling normalcy. Even her parents picked up the pieces and tried to move on. I did too except for my love life, which died with Donna.

As the miles passed and the light grew I thought of the times Donna and I had taken this trip together. I kept my eyes on the exits, making sure not to pass exit 61. It was coming up so I moved to the right. Donna had been camping here since she was a baby, and on the way out her family had always stopped to eat just past the half-way point.

She said there used to be a stand where you could get a waffle topped with anything from ice cream to chili. But by the time I went with her The Waffle Shack was gone, replaced by a Pita Palace which made Middle Eastern sandwiches' and American fare like burgers and hot-dogs on Pita bread. I was feeling very hungry by the time I exited.

I had always felt exhilarated when Donna and I stopped here. It meant we were getting close to the place she loved most in the world. Last year I sat chewing over my guilty new feelings for Laura. Two years ago Laura and I stopped here on the anniversary of Donna's death before meeting her family at the campground to scatter her ashes. This day I felt I was teetering on the edge of insanity, hopelessly lost.

Pulling in to a spot I got out and stretched, raising my hands over my head. As I walked to the counter I felt an urge to call Laura. I knew she wanted me to call from the park but I couldn't wait. I felt I had to hear her voice. On the other hand the thought of her immediately brought tears to my eyes. Returning to the car I climbed in and cried hard for just a minute, I really am falling apart, aren't I. I opened the windows and lit a cigarette. When I had my breath again I called her cellphone. It rang twice and she answered, breezy and sweet.

"Hey, Abby."

"Hi."

"It's way too early, everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm at Pita Palace."

"Pita Palace." She laughed that delicious laugh and said something I missed.

"What?"

"I said what did you get?"

"Oh, I didn't get out of the car yet. I wanted to call you first."

"I'm glad you did. We miss you here. I was just about to take a walk, if you know what I mean."

I was glad to have something light to talk about, thanks Laura. She was making it easy for me. I had hopes of forgiveness.

"You can just go in the bathroom and put the fan on."

"You sure?"

"Laura, you can sit in the yard and smoke. I scored from the landlord. You won't get me in any trouble."

"The yard then. Tiger and I are going to watch movies all day and night."

"You don't have to stay there the whole time L."

"I know. I want to though. Tiger needs me here while you're gone. Plus I like it here. I'm stretching out on the bed, lounging around like a girl on vacation. This place is so...it's so comfortable. I'm happy here, don't worry about us."

The image of her stretched across my bed was scalding. I imagined her laying there with the phone to her ear as the bed melted around her. Okay, I'd gone round the bend all right.

"Okay well thanks a lot for doing this."

"Abby," she snickered, "if you thank me like I'm other people, I'm simply going to kill you."

I smiled. "Okay. I'll call you from the park."

"Good, be safe."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye."

I hung up, that note echoing, Bye. Shaking my head, I got out and walked shakily to the counter. I needed food, though a small handgun might also have done the trick. A razor thin man in whites leaned over the counter and tipped his hat to me.

"What can I get you?"

"Hmm." I looked at the menu. I was in a hurry now, something quick.

"Let me have a Hummus combo, with spinach and tomato, no lettuce to travel. I have to eat and drive. And a carrot cake and large tea with lemon please, no sugar." That will help.

In the car I wolfed down half the Pita, set up the tea and opened the cake on the passenger seat. As much as I wanted to rush, it was better to finish the Pita before I drove so I chewed and swallowed like it was a race. When I finished I had a lump of food in my throat, what a pig.

I was in danger of laughing which I thought might result in my choking death. I breathed carefully and sipped tea. When it was clear, I sipped some more tea and lit a cigarette.

Narrowly escaping death by gluttony, Abigail put the car back on the road and sped to her destination. Now that I could, I did laugh. I pulled back onto the expressway with the cigarette clamped between my teeth.

Forty minutes later I made the turn into the park and pulled up to the barred entrance. I killed the engine and got out of the car. The day was bright and crisp. The breeze blew green fragrant air into my lungs and through my hair.

I stepped up to the cabin to check in and was surprised at the young pretty attendant who greeted me. There had always been men before. She couldn't have been even my age, maybe she was 23 or so and a cutie; short blonde hair, green eyes, cute pixie face, nice figure. It was the best I'd ever seen one of those khaki uniforms look.

"Hi and welcome," she said, smiling

"Hi, thanks." We looked fixedly at each other for a second and she nodded, extending her hand. I shook it. Her look was unmistakable. It had taken us ten seconds to figure each other out.

"I'm Karen Kraft."

"Abigail Baker."I smiled against my will while Karen was slightly more successful in stifling hers.

"Nice to meet you," she said.

"And also with you." I blushed, embarrassed. Where did that come from?

"Okay Abigail. Are you Abigail of the Abbey?" We both laughed.

"I'm just very tired. It's been a long drive."

"Well let's check you in; let's see, Baker. Yeah I got you booked at C 20 for 5 days, paid. How many campers?"

"Just me."

"That's what it says, one camper. Driver's license please." She looked at the license, the car, and back at me.

"I do it every year at this time." I said by way of explaining.

"Just you, alone?"

"Yeah, it's kind of an annual meditation for me."

"Sounds great! So you know all the rules?"

I started ticking them off on my fingers. "No nails in trees, no chopping- just dead fall, fires in containers only."

We smiled at each other. "You're my kind of girl Abby." She handed back my license.

Truer words... "Thank you...Karen."

"Listen," she ventured, "you being here alone and all, look for me if you have any trouble." She took a list of rules and jotted her number down. "This is my cell, now you call if you need help. We girls have to stick together."

"That's very kind." I gave her a warm smile. "And you're welcome to come by for coffee if you like."

"I wouldn't want to intrude."

"I am here to be alone but I can spare time for coffee and a chat."

"Well thank you, I'll look in on you tomorrow morn if that's okay. I don't report until 10."

"Good. I'll look forward." I took my paperwork and the sheet with her number. We smiled at each other. I turned and headed to the car, feeling her eyes on me as I walked. Sure enough, when I got back in she was still looking. We waved and I drove off.

Driving in to the park was glorious. The ten MPH speed limit and the chirping birds caused time itself to slow like a clock covered with honey. The canopy of trees engulfed me as I puttered past people in cheerful moods. Children played and wandered, parents relaxed and unwound from their work-life.

Whenever I came here I couldn't help but calm down, but in recent years it had become something else also. Everything here spoke of Donna. It was like she was still here, in the trees and on the sea-breezes.

During the year, I didn't think of her too much. Our last month together, and her death made her memory difficult for me to come to terms with. My hindsight had always been shuttered anyway. But on the first anniversary when we scattered her ashes, I stayed on when the family left for home. Laura asked if she should stay with, but I told her I needed to be alone with Donna and that she should go with Mom and Dad.

I had no gear or clothes but I went to town, bought a sleeping bag and some clothes for the weekend. I talked to Donna almost the entire time. I sat on the beach, walked the trails that she loved, and spilled my guts to her. It helped.

So last year I planned a stay, and did the same thing; but I brought the Newport in Donna's memory and some pot to loosen my mind. Now here I was again with a fresh crop of problems. I pulled in to the familiar campsite and began to unload.

The park was half full and would be filling up tonight for the weekend. I did love when it emptied during the week sometimes. It was lovely, having the place almost all to one's self, especially when you were with your girl.

But people were mostly okay here, and added the festive feeling. Half full was perfect; the sound and smell of families fixing dinner, the glow of campfires all around the park at night, everyone waving Hi to each other. It was the greatest enjoyment I can ever remember getting out of strangers.

I waved to my neighbors as I set up camp.

A young man and woman were two sites down and the man called to me.

"Need any help?"

"Oh, I'm good, thanks." The woman said something to him, motioned and they came over. They were cute; I liked the woman's dirty blonde hair and sharp blue eyes. They might have been 20 years old. She extended her hand and I shook it. Her boyfriend stayed back a few paces

"I'm Fran."

"Abby."

"Can we help? Just tell us if we're being pests." She smiled and I had to smile back.

"Sure, why not. It's very nice of you."

"This is Andy. He's a Neanderthal but he's okay." Andy smiled, ran a hand through his light brown shock of hair, and waved with the other. I waved back and we laughed.

The two of them practically put up my whole site. I felt like a helper. Fran ordered Andy here and there, telling him what to do and how.

"Hold that straight. Now wait for us to do ours first. Okay, that's good"

He shook his head and commented, "yes mam" but smiled through it all. In a half hour I had my tent, screen-tent, stove, everything all set up.

"Well thank, you guys. You have to let me get you a beer or something." Fran waved her hand.

"Forget it; we have like, cases of Heineken. Let us know when you want one, or six, really we have too much. You have people coming?"

"No, it's just me."

"Really? Well please, ask us if you need anything and come grab a beer when you're ready." They started back to their site, took a backpack and headed for the rest-room to shower.

"Thanks guys." I called after them. "If I can help with anything, let me know." Fran waved goodbye. I went to my kitchen and sat down to roll some joints. I realized I should have called Laura by now. I took out my phone and dialed her. Two rings again and she picked up.

"Are we there yet?"

"Yeah hey, sorry, I should have called right away. I'm already set up."

"Good, no problem, that was fast."

"This nice couple helped me. Actually the girl took charge. Her boyfriend and I helped her set up."

Laura giggled. "What are they like?"

"They're cute. They're funny as hell too. She orders him around. He's the strong silent, it was great."

"Good, someone to keep an eye on you for me."

"Yeah right. OH!"

"What."

"So I pull up to the cabin to check in right? And there's this Betty in there."

"You're kidding."

"Nope."

"It's always men when I go."

"I know. I never saw a woman there before."

"So, go on."

"So she's cute and guess what?"

"No."

"Yup."

"No."

"Yes."

"You sure?"

"We scoped each other in like, seconds. It was funny. I couldn't hide my smile. She just smirked and shook my hand. I said something stupid about being Abigail from the abby or something. I forget what it was now."

"Oh my God."

"Yeah it was great. So she says, (I tried to imitate her voice and manner) 'as you're here all alone, I'm going to give you my number-

"Get out."

-and if you have any trouble."

"HA!"

"She was just being friendly."

"Yeah, friendly alright."

"No, really."

"You're an idiot," she laughed. "You just don't know the affect you have on us girls."

My mind froze. Oh my god! I didn't know what to say. We both were silent. I didn't think she meant it that way.

"Listen Abby, we don't have to talk about this."

"No?"

"Well we do really. I just meant we don't have to right now."

"Okay."

"But I do have...things to confess to you."

"You do?" I'm sure my excitement was palpable. Was this for real?

"Yeah Ab, I do. I don't want to do this over the phone but I need to know. Did I read you right this morning?"

No surprise that she was stronger, braver than I was. My eyes overflowed again. I croaked out my reply; "Over a year now...I've been... hiding it...watching you, thinking of you...all the time." I started sobbing.

"Shh," she said, "shh. It's okay. I was there already Abby, like crazy, way, way before you. I've felt guilty as hell."

I cried into the phone. "Really?"

"Yes, Shh," she said, soothing me, taking care of me as always.

I wanted to stop. I got myself slowly under control.

"We won't talk about this now okay?"

"Okay."

"You alright?"

I sniffled, told her to hold on and put the phone on the table.

I took a tissue from my purse and blew my nose, sounding like a flock of ducks. I heard a tiny snicker emanate bug-like from the phone. I laughed and shouted at her,

"Shut up." Her laughter intensified. I cleaned myself up and picked up the phone. "Very funny." I laughed with her.

"Oh God, I love you Abby." A first in this new world of mine.

"I love you too."

"Now tell me about this girl. What does she look like?"

"Well, she's a little pixie, like maybe some lesbian Santa's Helper fantasy, short blonde hair and green eyes, little cute pointy nose."

"How old?"

"Like 22, 23."

"Yeah, so you were telling me, she gave you her number?"

"So I told her how thoughtful that was."

"Yeah, I'd love to see those thoughts."

"Ha-ha, and I invited her for coffee tomorrow." Suddenly that sounded adulterous.

"Good. Maybe you'll get lucky."

"I don't want to get lucky."

"Ab!"

"Really, it's not just because we talked. I had no intention."

"Abby, you don't have to justify yourself. I wouldn't doubt you."

"Okay."

"I'm telling you. If you had a good time with her I wouldn't grudge you."

"NO!"

"Abby, I'm touched, really. But if it happens I want you to know I'm with you. If this girl touched you, made you happy, it wouldn't hurt me at all. These past few years, I've had a few one-night stands."

"So what."

"While I have been dreaming of you. I've fantasized it was you."

"Get out!"

"I'm serious."

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not. This one time...oh my god, can't believe I'm telling you this. How do I say, I hmm, whimpering your name over and over. I guess she didn't want to interrupt me. She kept...doing what she was doing. When I was through, and I realized...I was so embarrassed I thought I'd die. There. If you ever mention it I'll kill you."

Oh my god! "Laura!"

"Yeah well, anyway, if you sleep with Hermie or Rudolph or whatever her name is."

"Karen."

"Karen then; I won't care, really. I know you've been alone since Donna. I don't want it to dry up and fall off."

I guffawed. "I think I'll make it back to you intact."

"It'll be the last time you are, I can tell you that."

"LAURA!"

"Sorry babe, been dreaming of you too long. When I get my hands on you, you're finished."

I blushed to my core. I'd never heard her talk like that-I liked it. I gave her my most sincere tone, "Should I just come back now?"

I was surprised that she didn't even consider it.

"No Abby. You have your weekend. I think, as you've done before, you should talk to Donna, at least this one more time." Right again. I didn't deserve her but neither did anyone else so...

"You're right L."

"And if you sleep with Gimli,"

Laughter burst from me.

"It's okay." She continued, laughing.

"GIMLI IS A FAT BEARDED DWARF!" I shouted.

"Whatever. Seriously, you hear me?"

"I hear you. It's you who's not listening." I tingled joyfully to be saying it. "I belong to someone." There. That should shut her up. I waited for her answer.

"Okay, me too."

"I'll talk to you later."

"I'll be here."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I closed my phone, placed it on the table and looked at it in disbelief. Though I had survived my childhood, I wasn't, and maybe never would be very able to look back. But I liked the way the future was shaping up. I realized I would have to come clean to Laura about everything. I got up and gathered my things for a walk around the grounds. I had to have a long talk with Donna, perhaps for this one last time.