Don't Give Up on Me

Periodically we started texting, then talking about possibly getting uniforms and that I might be able to work something out through work. The flirting talk and text messages escalated. God forbid Gabe saw those they were harmless I thought, but he wouldn't understand.

Which brings me to today, standing here in the shower. Trying to wash away my shame it started innocent enough. We were just standing in the living room talking about baseball and Ken started telling me how attractive I looked in my dress. Then without warning he leaned in and just kissed me. I was shocked but I didn't pull away next moment putting his hand on my behind. Now pressing me against him, I opened my mouth. I didn't even think about how wrong it was in the moment. He spun me around facing the sofa and stood behind me. I felt him put his arms around my waist and pressed against my bottom. I could feel his hardness against me, and it felt.....

I guess the best description is exciting! I was excited, like the kind of excitement you feel on a roller coaster. I felt the blood pumping through my veins, fear, excitement, sick, yet exhilaration. Ken reached under my dress, pulled down my panties I reached back to try to stop him but not with any heart. He fumbled for a moment and then I could feel his bare erection pressing against the crack of my ass. Oh my God this needs to stop but instead I just leaned forward onto the sofa steady myself and then I felt it. I felt him enter me, my head was spinning this married man wanted me and I wasn't stopping him.

Then just as quick as it began, all of the sudden I heard a horrible scream? I'd never heard anything like it before it scared the hell out of me and I started to scream as well. Suddenly, Ken pulled away from me, as I turned. I see him fall to the floor and there my God, my worst nightmare. My husband is standing there. I see him kick Ken, somewhere in the head. I screamed even louder, this can't be happening oh please no o o. It's almost like I blanked out standing there, seeing Gabriel, dragging Ken across the floor and I was thinking to myself my God, he's killed him. My whole body was just shaking, I was fighting everything to keep from losing consciousness. I don't even remember pulling up my panties I heard the back door slam and then Gabriel was standing there. Screaming at me calling me filthy names and tell me to go and clean up. I ran upstairs to the bathroom and listen to the door, heard a door slam, then silence...

I crept back downstairs. Hearing know-one, I ran to the back door to see if Ken was alive. I looked out the window and I saw him rolling around without any pants on? I wasn't exactly certain as to the extent of his injuries. I looked out the front door to see if Gabriel was in the front yard. He was nowhere in site. I did not see any of Ken's clothing laying on the floor. I went back to the back door, and he was gone. I ran upstairs and here I am standing in the shower, trying to scrub my soul clean. After shutting off the water, now cold, I was still crying profusely. I've lost everything, my husband, my daughter, oh my God what have I done? Towelling myself dry and listening at the bathroom door I didn't hear anything, I peeked out. There was Gabe lying on the bed the moment he must have heard the door, he opened his eyes and sat up.

Gabriel looked at me with disgust and started talking about our daughter's recital. I stood there in my towel shivering and crying. How can I face them both at once! Not until I have a chance to talk to Gabe alone, try to explain this awful mess. This can't be happening. Before walking out on me he said something about meeting him there driving myself. I proceeded to get dressed my hands were shaking so bad. I went downstairs and looked out the front door, Gabe's car was gone. I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea to try to calm my nerves. I sat down with my cup of tea put my head in my hands and just cried. When I calmed down enough to be semi rational, I picked up my cell and tried calling Gabe. I had to speak to him, had to try to explain myself. How was I going to when I didn't have any understanding of my own actions?

There was no answer I was relieved and heartbroken at the same time. Remembered his final words about taking my own car, to Anna's recital. I had to pull myself together couldn't let my daughter know what was going on, not just yet.

I finished getting ready and combed my hair. I decided not to put on any makeup afraid that I would start crying and it would run down my face, only lipstick. Off I went to the recital, sick to my stomach. Will I even be allowed to sit beside my husband and watch our daughter on this important day?

Arriving at my daughter's band recital I hurried inside and looked around for my husband. I couldn't see him anywhere but Anna, my daughter, was up near the front talking with some friends. Approaching, I asked her if she had seen her father, she said, "He was here a few minutes ago."

I wished her luck and gave her a kiss on the cheek, then went to the back of the auditorium, standing against the wall at the back. I scanned the audience looking for Gabe. Off near the back, he was sitting with an empty chair beside him. I wondered nervously if he was saving the chair for me. I walked over and just sat down beside him without saying anything. He never responded, the lights lowered, and the music began. I could hardly concentrate, but was so happy for Anna, yet sad for the situation that I had put us in. The uncertainty of the future, Gabriel was sitting like a statue, no expression, just staring straight ahead. I periodically kept turning and taking glances, trying to to catch any hope of a compassion to forgive.

At the end of the recital, I stood up and so did Gabe. Stepped past me like I was invisible and headed towards Anna. I followed behind, he gave her a big hug telling Anna how proud he was of her. I reached around and hugged her as well and looked up nervously at Gabe's face but he never made eye contact with me. I decided to take the initiative and I said, "Anna I'll be waiting for you in my car to give you a ride back. Your dad is taking his own car, I am parked out in the left parking lot over by the pavilion."

Okay Mom, I will be out in a few minutes."

I think I might have a really pissed Gabriel off with that move, but only wanted to have a moment alone with Anna to try to, try to... I don't know fix, explain this situation. I turned around to speak to Gabe, he was gone. I tried texting him to explain that I was going to try to talk to Anna about what I had done and apologize to her, he never responded.

Sitting in the car finally Anna approached, she was still all excited, I could hear her girlfriends squealing and laughing in the parking lot. As she closed her door, "That was amazing honey, I'm so proud of you. In a couple of days it's graduation and dance. Next year you start high school you have grown up so quick."

"Mom, please."

"Listen honey, why don't you text your dad and ask him if he will pick up a pizza so we have some dinner, while I drive!"

"Dad said sure he'll pick it up and meet us at home."

"Listen Anna, I have something I need to tell you. Your mom made a really big mistake, well a few mistakes that led up to a big one. Your dad is really upset with me right now and I don't know how I'm going fix the situation with him."

"What did you do Mom?"

''I really don't want to discuss it right now, Honey please just know that I love you and I love your dad. I'll do everything in my power to try to fix this situation. We will discuss it more another time, I just don't know what kind of a mood your dad's going to be in and I don't want to spoil your a big day."

After that Anna never said anything she just seemed to be lost in her thoughts, she sat quiet thinking about what I said. When we arrived home she, jumped out of the car and went into the house before I could even get my door open. I got into the house and put a bottle of wine into the refrigerator, asked Anna if she wanted something to drink? She said, "No, I'm fine."

"Let me know when dad gets here with the pizza!" A short time later I heard Gabriel pulled into the driveway yelled up to her, "Your dad's here."

What a coward I am using my daughter as a shield so I don't have to face my husband alone just yet. I'm despicable on so many levels, I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror. When Gabe came in he was acting somewhat normal, but I knew better and through years of marriage I could read his body language. I don't know if Anna was picking up on it, she was looking at him a lot and watching our dynamics. He said, "I got the pizza that you like Anna, got the toppings that you like."

We sat quiet at the table eating together for a few moments, then our daughter got up, grabbed an extra slice and said "I'm going to eat in my room. I want to call my friend."

At that exact same time, Gabe got up, walked over to the refrigerator poured himself a glass of carbonated lemon water and walked away into his home office.

Gabriel owns his own company a Home renovation business, he was a carpenter but ended up starting his own business about six years ago and is doing very well. I suspect that's part of the reason why he wanted to do the renovations on the cottage himself, to get back to hands on. Rather than paper pushing, making phone calls and running the business side of things. Owning his own business gave him the flexibility to work from home, but I think he enjoyed going to the office and interacting with the workers.

I decided to just leave him in peace for a little bit. I didn't know what I was going to say to him anyways. Hopefully things will stay quiet until Anna goes to bed, then maybe I'll have an opportunity to talk to him alone. I lost my appetite and decided to put the rest of the pizza away in the refrigerator then poured myself a glass of wine and sat at the kitchen table and cried to myself. Later on in the evening, I heard Anna coming down the stairs so I got up straighten myself and headed towards the bathroom. As she got to the bottom of the stairs knocking on her dad's office door, I could hear her telling her dad that she was going to bed. Peeked around the corner I saw him get up give her a hug and a kiss and say, "Good night Anna.''

She came looking for me. she knocked at the door. "I'll be right there honey."

That's okay Mom, I just wanted to say good night."

"Alright sweetheart good night, I'll see you in the morning, sweet dreams."

I just didn't want her to see my red eyes and know that I've been crying. Anna's already got a lot of questions and I needed to talk to Gabe before we will have answers. I decided to take a quick shower and freshen up, so I went up to the bedroom. I got ready for bed toting my glass of wine. Finishing it off, I decided to face what was coming for me and went down and knocked on Gabe's office door. He informed me to come in, taking a seat on the sofa adjacent to his desk. Gabriel was doing something on his laptop and he never looked up at me. I silently waiting when he never said anything I started.

"Gabe I don't even know how to explain what happened. I did a horrible, terrible thing..... I allowed a little bit of what I thought was harmless flirting get out of hand."

At that point and time Gabe closed his laptop lean back in his chair and just stared at me. "Nicole, I am not going to shout and try to be levelheaded. Have you any idea how much you hurt me? I'm sick, I am sad, I'm seething inside."

''I am going to try to stay calm I am going to try to hear you out."

He sat silent staring at me, so I took that as my cue to start talking.

"First of all Gabriel, I'm not telling you any of this as an excuse or to hurt you more I'm just trying to give you the facts that you deserve." Wiping tears from my eyes. "I really don't have all the answers but, but here it goes...I joined the baseball team as you know, and it was fun getting to know some new people outside of our friend group. Yes I am aware that Ken, liked.....''

''Had an interest in me, but I knew he was married and so was I it would only be harmless fun. People on the team had the same interest as me, it was like when I was back in school. I was popular and happy when I was on the team, almost as happy as when I used to be dancing Ballet now that I think of it...''

''Anyways Ken started flirting with me, it was just simple comments about my looks. It got more specific, comments on my smile, progressing to comments on my backside. I should have said something, knowing it was inappropriate, but I just took the attention and went with it. Then one game, I had slid into home plate, the winning run. Our team was so happy hugging each other, Ken came up and hugged me as well and then patted me on the butt. Like sports people do but I know, I know that's inappropriate of a wife. After that I think it happened maybe twice. And of course the team would go for drinks once in a while at the bar. I'm not a big drinker but I wanted to blend in like a stupid teenager, peer pressure at all...''

''Gabe, let me tell you right now I really want to make this right? I'm going to see a therapist there's something wrong with me. I allowed this to get out of hand." Gabriel never said a word, he just continued to stare.

"Anyways we started talking about uniforms and I said that I could probably get a deal. That led to exchange of text messages, and a call or two I think, regarding the games, uniforms and of course more flirting. Which led up to the day in question I should have had him meet me at work, go through some brochures and pricing. But for whatever reason I told him to come over to the house and I would show him some pamphlets on sports shirts. I was standing just inside the front door by the living room sofa where you saw us and we where just talking, he started telling me how attractive I looked in my dress and how beautiful I looked. Then he just leaned in and kissed me out the blue. I was taken back but I didn't resist.....''

''God, I hate myself. He reached up put his hand on my butt then lifted my skirt and spun me around."

I felt sick thinking about it, saying it to Gabe. I just broke down and cried....After a minute I compose myself wiping my tears looking into Gabe's eyes again.... "You know from there. Please, please Gabe, I'm so remorseful, you have no idea. I just wish that I could just make it all go away."

We both just sat there in silence for about a minute or two, Gabe cleared his throat and then proceeded to say.

"I have to take some time and think about this. Nicole, I want you to know I'm broken inside, and this doesn't come easy. There's a lot at stake here. It's not just about you and I don't want to make any mistakes, unlike you."

That hurt but he was absolutely right.

"This is what we're going to do, I've put some thought into this, putting notes on my laptop. Anna graduates in two days, she has her graduation dance and I don't want to upset anything here. We are going to have a talk with her, tell her that we're having a difference of opinion and leave it at that, we won't get into any details. When she's done school and starts the summer holidays on Wednesday, I'm going to go to the cottage and live there."

"No please give me a chance, please."

"No, listen to me Nicole, I need time to put my thoughts together as to where we go from here. I'll have more details regarding that before I leave and we will talk more. I'll be sleeping in my office here on my sofa for the next few nights until I leave. I don't want you to even touch me, do you understand that?"

I burst into tears crying upon those words, " I love you Gabe I really do, I fucked up, you hear me, I swear to you. I'll do anything to make this up to you.''

"Nicole, take some time think about consequences of what you've done. I need to do some thinking as well. We're going to make things as normal around Anna as possible. That is my priority and I wanted it to be your priority as well. I'm coming upstairs right now to take some of my personal things down here to my office."

I sat there crying profusely but didn't say another word. Gabriel got up and walked past me and went up the stairs, I followed behind. When we got to the bedroom, he started packing up a few of his things I sat on the bed staring at him tears streaming down my face, watching him open his dad's old jewellery box and put his watch away then my heart sank as I watched him take his wedding ring off and put it inside. He turned towards me; I had a look of horror on my face. Gabe reached out, took my hand.

"Oh no, no, no."

"Nicole, in good faith, don't fight me on this, give me your wedding band."

''Oh please Gabriel, please, please."

You have been unfaithful and I'm asking you as a gesture of good faith. Please do this for me. I can't deal with the fact of what I saw today. Do me this one thing, I asked very little of you right now. All I'm asking is for you to put your wedding band in this box until we come up with a plan. You can keep your engagement ring on."

I started to cry, and my voice was probably getting a little loud. He shushed me and said to keep my voice down. My hand was trembling so hard as I slowly removed my wedding ban and handed it to him. He dropped it into the jewellery box, " Just leave it in here for now."

He picked up his things, "Can I have a hug?" I don't know why I even said that, I just wanted him to hold me. He just looked at me with those sad eyes and for the first time, I did not see anger on his face. He actually had tears in his eyes, he just turned away and took his belongings downstairs. Left me crying sitting on the bed.

I woke up Sunday morning to the smell of coffee and bacon. I took a quick shower. Deciding to wear my blue short sleeve top with denim jeans and apprehensively made my way down to the kitchen. Not knowing what I faced I walked in and immediately was greeted by Anna. "Morning Mom Dad's making breakfast."

Gabe continued what he was doing at the stove as I approached, "That is nice Gabe good morning."

He replied, "Good morning, coffee's fresh."

I poured myself a cup and ask my daughter what her plans were for the day. She said that her friend Sarah and her were going to the Community centre to look into summer activities. "Oh that's nice, I was sort of hoping that you would come with me to the supermarket to do grocery shopping for the week, but if you have plans."

"Sorry mom maybe dad will go." I just smiled and dropped the subject.

Gabe sat down at the table and put a plate of bacon and eggs in front of Anna and myself. He suddenly said to know one in particular, "I got some yard work to take care of and I have some work to do in my office."

Anna, continued to carry the conversation saying that she was going to look into swimming at the community centre and possibly applying there for a summer job. I picked at my meal for a little bit, got up and poured myself another coffee. Gabriel got up and said, "I'll do the dishes."

"No, no sorry honey, let me take care of that, it's the least I can do."

Once again without acknowledging me, he walked over kissed Anna on top of the head and said, "I guess I should get started on that yard work."

Anna said, "I have to go too Mom, I'll see you at dinner time," and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Feeling sad, I cleaned up the dishes and headed out to go grocery shopping. Gabe must have been busy in the backyard somewhere, I didn't see him out front as I left.

Byron, from across the road yelled over, "Good morning Nicole," as he approached walking over to me by my car. He said, "Did you hear all the excitement there the other night at the end of the street?"

I played dumb and stated, "Yes I heard a police car, I don't know what it was about."