tagHumor & SatireDon't Piss Off Lou: She!

Don't Piss Off Lou: She!


I was sitting at a table in a low class bar in El Paso nursing a strawberry margarita, and I was pissed. Not drunk pissed y'all understand, angry pissed. In fact I was REALLY pissed. I was "P", double-"I", double-"S" pissed. Think of it as PMS on steroids. Why? Because I was sitting at this here table watching my husband, Dick, and his best friend and partner, Lou, as they whooped it up at the bar with a couple of floozies. And there didn't seem to be anything that I could do about it. Hell, Dick wasn't trying to hide it — he brought me here with him.

That was when I first smelled her perfume. I think it was a lily fragrance. I looked up when she stepped into view. She was a well endowed woman, with a big pair up top, and from behind, no one would mistake her for a man. Big wavy black hair. She was, what they used to teach us up at U.T. Austin, "Rubenesque". I figured she was late twenties, maybe early thirties. But, it was really her eyes that got my attention: they were a bright green color that would take your breath away. Must be contact lenses.

"Hey, girl. You OK? You look like you'd like to rip someone a new asshol'!" she said with that soft Texas drawl.

She seemed friendly, and for some reason, I didn't think that she was trying to hit on me, so I replied.

"Yup, I'm pretty pissed and fed up with that sumbitch sitting at the bar." I replied, "who happens to be my husband."

"I sorry to hear that.' she said, "Mind if I sit down?" She didn't really wait for an answer, she just sat.

By this time I could see one of the floozies, the Latina looking one, was down below the bar on her knees, getting acquainted with Dick's dick. Lily took a look over at the bar and turned back to me.

"I can see why you might be a bit put out. And look at that gawd awful shade of lipstick she's wearing." came her observation. "I'm Lily," she said, putting out her hand.

"I'm Jane, Jane Smith," I got the words out, then shook her hand, "Glad to meet ya Lily. And that prick, over there, is my husband, Dick."

"Your husband is 'Dick'?" Lily said, with a look that was close to mirth in her eyes.

I could see it coming. For ten years, ever since Dick and I got hitched, I have had to put up with being "Dick and Jane." Why did everyone start their First Grade reading with the same stupid books. "See Jane run. See Dick run. See Jane fall down. See Dick put his thing in Jane." OK, OK, I made that last one up, but I think you get the point — it gets old. But Lily either didn't know about Dick and Jane, or she chose to forgo all of the normal witticisms.

Lily kinda squinted at the bar, and turned back to me again.

"And who is that fellow with your man?" she asked, with a certain intensity.

"Oh, that's Dick's bidness partner, Lou. They've been partners for on to six-months now." I said, keeping my eyes on Lily.

"Hmmmm..." she replied, looking at Lou again, "you know, I think I may know that hombre. I haven't seen him for a long time, and he's changed a lot, but I think I recognize him."

As she spoke, Lou was leaning back in his chair laughing, his snakeskin Tony Lamas up on the empty stool next to him, his drink in one hand, and a stogy in the other, which he was waving around to emphasize his point. Dick must have thought whatever Lou said was funny, because he almost choked on the Corona he was pouring down his throat from the upturned bottle. Even the bitch sucking Dick off was laughing, although she never let loose of my husband's rod from her mouth.

Lily didn't quite turn all the way back to me, like she was keeping a eye on Dick and Lou, when she asked another question.

"It looks to me like your marriage is going through one of them 'rough' periods at the moment." she said rather dryly.

"Rough?" I laughed a short, phony laugh, "Like sand in the KY gel, honey!"

"Well, don't jest sit there leavin' me in suspense. Tell me about it." she demanded.

Now most of the time, I would tell someone who was prying into my dirty laundry to put it where the sun don't shine, but, oh hell, Lily could see the worst of it twenty-five feet away at the bar. Why not tell her the rest.

"Lily," I started, "For ten years, I thought that I had the best marriage and the finest man on God's little green earth. Dick was a loving husband, and true. We owned a little manufacturing bidness, made enough money to be happy, and were living a contented life. That was before Lou came into the picture." I paused.

"About six months ago, Dick tolt me that he was bringing in a partner. That was when I first met Lou. Now I don't know why, but I didn't cotton to Lou. First of all, he has the worst BO that I have EVER smelled. I kinda hinted to Dick that I would be a lot happier with this partnership if Lou would improve his personal hygiene, but Dick said that Lou couldn't hep it. It was some sort of 'condition' and I should ignore it, and how could I be so judgmental. But, damn girl, it's bad. He needs to cut something out of his diet."

I took a breath, and continued.

"On the other hand, Lou seems to be bringing in a shitload of new orders, and the company has been busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. We've been growing, adding new people, renting more space, and makin' money hand over fist. So it is hard to complain. How could I be down on someone who is makin' us rich?"

"But, to tell you the truth, I was still worry about this whole thing. Is this real, is it going to last? How does a feller who smells like a skunk get so many orders; from a lot of the big companies, too. Come to think on it, maybe they give Lou orders to get him outta their offices." I reflected.

"Anyway, Dick said that Lou has some sorta hold on the bidness, and wherever he goes so do the orders," I concluded.

"Jane, " Lily looked at me like I was a little simpleminded, "That doesn't explain Dick sitting at the bar with that Guapa over there suckin' on his dick. Oh," she looked back at the bar, "sorry, it doesn't explain Dick bending that blond bimbo over the bar stool and mule fuckin' her."

I looked over, winced, and agreed.

"Yea, well that started a couple of months ago. Now I don't want to put Dick down or nothin', but as much as I love him, he was no Casanova. He's not that tall; he's good enough looking, but he's no Brad Pitt, and, don't ever tell him I said this — he's always been a bit pudgy. But all of a sudden like, he's irresistible to women. I mean, its like he can walk up to a gal, ask her to drop her drawers and let him have it, and they jest plain do it! I've seen it with my own two eyes, and I still don't believe it."

Lily silently nodded her head, hearin' what I was sayin.'

"And the worst part is," I continued, my eyes downcast, looking at the remnants of my drink, "that even after I've seen him messing with all these other sluts, we get home, and if he asks me to do something for him, I mean anything for him, I find myself doing it. Its like I can't resist."

"There is one bright spot, though," my eyes looking at Lily, "his tool used to be pretty normal. But I swear, I think its grow'd at least three inches longer, and that sumbitch is bigger around than my wrist. Its gotta be at least nine inches now, and it is one pure pleasure rod. He musta found one hell of a plastic surgeon to do that work. " I suddenly frowned, "Of course, its not my personal property anymore." I broke down, weeping.

I felt Lily's hand gently on my forearm, as she comforted me.

"Hey girl, its all right. Don't let it get ya down." she quietly chided me.

When I could finally lift my face again, Lily asked another question.

"Why don't you file divorce papers on him. Take half his money, half the company, half the house and head for the hills?"

"Lily," reminded of my other seemingly insolvable problem, "I have tried to go to every damn lawyer in this county to get someone to represent me, and as soon as they find out that I want to dump Dick, and get half the company from him and Lou, I am outta their office faster than a six-point buck in huntin' season!"

"Do they tell you why?" came Lily's confused voice.

"Yea, they say its something about 'conflicts a interest', or 'professional courtesy', or some other lame excuse." I answered. "The only lawyer who even considered takin' my case, finally tolt me, that there weren't a judge in Texas who would side against Lou, so I was just spinnin' my wheels. He swore that you didn't get to BE a judge in Texas, either party, 'less you cut a deal with Lou." Just thinking about the situation discouraged me.

Lilly got a real determined look on her face, and said,

"I think I can he'p ya out. I'll talk to ya tomorrow, but I gotta vamos right now." she looked in the direction of the bar again.

Dick had finally finished his drink, and the bar floozies were lookin' all worr'd out, and he and Lou were struggling to their feet and walking, well, more like weaving, in the general direction of my table.

"Jane, gal. We're done here, y' all ready to drive us home?" Dick asked. He looked around the room, "Hey, baby mama, where'd that hot piece you were talkin' to go? I might like t' try 'er out."

I suddenly noticed that Lily was gone. I hadn't even seen her take off. Shoot — she didn't have my cell number or anything, how was she going to talk to me tomorrow, I wondered.

"I dunno Dick, maybe her 'good taste' alarm went off when she saw you and Lou, and she hightailed it in the opposite direction. That's what I would do." If I could, I silently thought.

Now if you want the definition of an unhappy drive home, that was it. Dick and I got in the car, and given how I was feelin' about my husband at that particular moment, it was bad enough. But it got a whole heap worse when Lou got in the back seat. Thank gawd for power windows, because believe me I had ALL the windows in that car down in a flash. I didn't care if was 103 degrees outside, I was NOT gonna be closed up in the same car as Lou and his polecat smell.

Dick spoke up again,

"Lou's comin' to our place for awhile so we can take care of a few items before business tomorrow," he explained.

Oh great, I thought, now I'll have to have the house fumigated too.

We got home, and I went into the living room while Dick and Lou went into the office, and I turned on the 65 inch big-screen over the fireplace, wonderin' for the umteenth time why the hell anyone would have a fireplace in their home in El Paso. Must be for looks. I know we never actually used ours.

The house was one of the many things that had happened since Dick partnered with Lou. We had a fine middle-class house before, now we had a grandiose house in a neighborhood where the neighbors wouldn't even talk to us, because we didn't have ancestors who fought at the Alamo. I had to hire a buncha people to he'p me take care of it, and it echoed from the emptiness of the rooms. I would have rather had our old house, and filled it with the sounds of little ones, but that didn't look like it would happen any time soon.

I was just sitting there and contemplating all the changes in my life, when Dick and Lou came out of the office and into the living room.

I looked at Lou again — his round little face, the thick glasses, the scrawny little body. He looked even worse in his jeans an' his $1000 dollar boots, than when he wore a suit. How did this wimpy lookin' guy cut such a wide swathe across the Lone Star state?

Dick approached the couch where I was sitting.

"Janey, tonight I'm gonna share you with ol' Lou here. So get up and start shuckin' those duds," he demanded.

"LIKE HELL!" I shouted back, but suddenly I realized that I was doing it anyway.

Soon, I was buck naked in front of Dick and Lou. Dick had dropped his pants, and was standing there with his tool hanging down. Jeez, I thought, looking at the lipstick on his dick, Lily was right, what a gawd awful color that bitch had been wearing.

Lou, on the other hand, had waited, watching me strip down, and when I was standing there in my altogether, he finally spoke up.

"Dick, you've been holdin' out on me. She is one fine piece here. Look at that PAIR! And she's here for the taking anytime." He licked his lips as he said it.

Then Lou slowly unzipped his jeans, and pulled out his John Henry, makin' sure that I was lookin'.

When he first pulled it out, it looked pretty normal. But as I watched there was a metamorphosis. I swear that his cock started getting longer — until it was 14, maybe 15 inches long. And as it lengthened, it was getting bigger around. Shit, it was about as big around as a baby's head. Then I could see the veins start to bulge out as his monster tool turned red. And when the head of his cock began to look like a big snake's head, I screamed and tried to turn and run. If he put that thing in me, it would kill me FOR SURE!!! But, it was like my feet were set in concrete.

Right then, though, Lou's cell phone rang. He looked pretty annoyed, but I guess he looked at the caller ID and decided to take the call, standing there with ol' snakehead wavin' in the wind.

"Sven," he barked, "you know that this number is for emergencies only, so this better be good. You don't even know what you are interrupting." There was a pause while Lou listened. He spoke again, " You think its a woman this time? OK, OK, I'll be right there. OK, bye." Lou turned back to me.

"OK, you luck out this time, but I'll be back in a couple of days, and you'll get the big one then." he said, looking at me with a evil grin. I turned to look at Dick, but he was actually passed out on the couch, and when I turned back, Lou was already gone.

The next day, I lit a shuck and got outta that house before Dick had sobered up enough to crawl outta bed. I figured I could go to the beauty parlor and stay outtin his way at least for the mornin'.

A couple hours later, I was comin' out from under the hair dryer, when I look up, and there is Lily standing right in front of me. She grabbed me by the arm, and hauled me out onto the sidewalk. She looked at me, and I'll be damned if her eyes weren't almost a gold color. Darn it, they can do near anything with those contact lenses these days.

Lily started talking about a mile a minute.

"Come on girl. I got you an appointment with J.W. Bawlbraker, the best damn divorce lawyer in the state of Texas," she explained as she pulled me along.

"Lily, hold on there," I said, "J.W. is the first lawyer I tried to see, and they kicked me out so fast a bolt of lightning couldn't catch me."

"That was before, honey. J.W. will see you this time, 'cause you're with me." she replied.

"I don't know, Lily, I don't think J.W. wants to piss off Lou." I objected, "I hear Lou gets down and dirty when he's pissed off."

"Jane, girl," Lily said with a grin, "J.W. doesn't want to piss off Lily even worse. Plus, I got a few inducements for him, if he takes your case. But we gotta move now, while Lou is out of town."

I stared at her, "Lily, he only left last night, and that was some shit about a guy's wife or girlfriend doing the lesbian thing. How'd you know he was out of town?"

Lily laughed, "Who the hell do you think planted the idea that his wife was having a lesbian affair in that dumb ol' Sven's head? Now let's make tracks!"

She was truly a mover and shaker, that Lily.

We walked into the office of J.W. Bawlbraker, and the right in front of us was that ol' dried up biddy who kicked me out the first time. I could jest see her lookin' down her nose over her granny glasses, ready to give me the boot, when suddenly she notices Lily standin' there next to me. I've never seen a person's face shift so quick from a nasty, sour puss, to a simpering, kiss-up. She musta gone to Texas A&M or someit.

"Oh, miss Lily," she said, the honey jest dripping off her tongue, "What can we do fer y'all?"

"Mornin' Miss Stickler, I need to talk to J.W. this very minute, if y'all can squeeze me in?" Lily requested, with a voice so sweet that an ant would choke.

"Why, sure, Miss Lily." replied the harridan, "A opening just came up."

I looked at Lily amazed.

She turned to me, and real quiet like said,

"I hepped her get her spot as a cheerleader at A&M. Now she can't do enough for me. Janey, why don't you wait here for a minute, while I convince ol' J.W. that he wants to take on your case."

I didn't say anything, just nodded my head as she flounced into the office and closed the door behind her.

As soon as Lily disappeared, the biddy went right back to the nasty look she'd given me when I first came in. I gave her the U.T. Longhorn sign with my hand, and stuck my tongue out at her. She huffed and found some papers to look at, instead of me.

About 15 minutes later, J.W's voice came over the intercom.

"Miss Stickler, could you be a darlin', and send Mrs. Smith in."

She didn't say a thing to me, but she got up from her chair, and opened the door. I gave her a BIG smile as I passed her and entered the office.

As I walked in the room, J.W. was standing behind his desk, trying to tuck the front of his shirt back in, zipping up his pants, and getting' 'em buttoned up. He was looking a bit flush. Lily was lookin' like the proverbial cat who ate the canary. She was gently dabbing at her lips with a tissue. Lily's lipstick always looked jest right, and matched her nails TO A tee.

"Mrs. Smith, " J.W. began, "Lily here has convinced me of the merit of your case. And I deeply apologize for the ill-consider decision to give you the boot the last time you were here," he concluded, looking to Lily for approval. When she nodded her head, J.W.'s smile was beaming from ear to ear.

I handed J.W. the photos and other evidence that I had of Dick's philanderin' (thats the fancy word they taught us at U.T. to say 'fuckin' around') and he got that shark-like look on his face that lawyers do when they smell blood in the form of money.

He assured me that I would soon be a wealthy, and once again single, available woman.

"I might even be interested in you my own self," J.W. said, with a leer in my direction.

In your fat assed dreams, I thought. I smiled at him.

J.W. told me that he would arrange for Dick to receive the divorce papers at work before the end of the day, as well as a restraining order so's I could go home and not worry about Dick. When Lou got back to town, he would be served with a restraining order as well. They wouldn't be allowed to come closer than 500 foot o' the house, no phone calls, no emails, no communications with me, NADA!

And to make sure my case was handled in a fair manner, we were scheduled to be in court the next morning to ask for a change a venue. Maybe we could find a honest judge, or at least one who would take our bribe too.

I was feeling SO MUCH better. I looked at Lily, and took her hand, and said a silent 'thank you' to her. She just smiled.

The next mornin' , there we were, all bright eyed and bushy tailed in court at the break o' day, round 10:00 AM. There was me and J.W. sittin' at our little table, and across the way was Dick and his lawyer. Lily was sittin' behind me and J.W., and, damn, her eyes were the prettiest shave of lavender that I have ever seen. That girl must have a different eye color for EVERY day of the week. I got to find out where she gets those contacts. Her nails matched too.

So we're all sittin' and waitin' for awhile, and sudden like, out comes some ol' feller in a black robe, who is introduced to the court as the Honorable Bubba Malhomme, or someit like that. He looks down at the papers that we filed, and turns to my lawyer,

"I see you are askin' for a change a venue? J.W., are you implicatin' that this court is less than fair?"

J.W. stood up, and real polite like, answered,

"No sir, your honor, but my client is concerned that given the nature of her husband and his partner, plus the sway that they have over this community, that there will be unfair pressure brought to bear on her, the court, the jurors, the bailiff, and anyone else involved, to give ol' Lou his way..."

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