All Comments on 'Double or Nothing Pt. 01'

5*s for part one

A great start. Can't wait to read more. Lovely to see such an honorable response to reprehensible behavior. Would that we all had a sister like Kim...

Great first chapter, with promise of more to come.

Hope you can keep it up. (or was I thinking about the "little-dick"doctor Stephen???

"Right now, your numb, your right with what you said before. I think your body is in a state of shock, and I don't want you to drink though I know that is tempting right now."

You need to work on your grammar, punctuation and checking for missing letters off words.

I only got as far as the above, GET AN EDITOR!!!!

"Right now, you're numb, you're right with what you said before. I think your body is in a state of shock and I don't want you to drink, though I know that is tempting right now."

Great start! Looking forward to the next chapter

His ex-wife and ex-daughter are disgusting, selfish, lying, treacherous, selfish monsters. I hope the author will not go towards forgiveness, reconciliation. No words can compensate him for his anguish, humiliation, pain. He has a new family. These two women must have come because of the money. So he should kick them out on the street. No mercy for monsters.

Good one.

Waiting for the next part.

4/5

Finish it well and I will score it higher

Off to a good start

Just because you like long stories, doesn't mean you can write one! Yes, write a long story but don't make it long by including tediously boring, unnecessary filler to make it long. Also reread what you've written! Quite a few times you had Carol/Makenzie mixed up! Not going to bother with more tediously boring writing that NEEDS an editor.

Nice start and a punch to the gut.

I appreciate that you broke this into chapters because I don't have a lot of extra time and this makes it easier.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Looking forward to seeing how this goes. Thanks. 5*

Very good so far. Your writing is good and clear. Please continue. Thank you

Oh, I can see the comments now. All the idiots who think children should be loved unconditionally and forgiven any transgression, no matter how severe. Fuck that noise. 15 is old enough to know what it means to throw a parent under the bus, and so old enough to be disowned and cast aside by said parent when that bus narrowly misses them. If she actually manages to grow as a person, despite the awful influences around her, good for her, she can try to rebuild that bridge. But as it stands now she can rot, and it's great to have the opening show that he stuck to his guns in that regard.

Now with that out of the way, I must say that I don't see very many ways for this to pan out. Or, to be more accurate, I don't really care to imagine anything beyond "Thanks for dropping by, now kindly fuck off". I don't care what kind of sob story they have to tell. I don't care about what they've been through or the scars it may or may not have left on them, physical or otherwise. Because of the sheer evil in what they did, and attempted to do, I don't care about whatever kind of path to redemption the author has cooked up. And clearly there's going to be one, otherwise there's no reason for this to be a multi-part series.

That is, unless this goes completely off the rails saddletramp or StangStar style(I peeped the Mustang), and this is all just a prelude to a greater adventure.

Harsh!

Excellent story! The confrontation on the last page was visceral, realistic and emotive! I would suggest a proofreader, as there were some typos, 'your versus 'you're', etc. It's those things that we miss when we review our own work. Contact me if you need assistance with that.

.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this interesting, well-written and most compelling story! Easily 5+++/5!!!

Very well written. It was a shame for the guy to be treated so badly; but the true punishment fell upon the wife and daughter.

A hundred thousand dollars in a college fund by the time she's 15, income enough to give them what they need also most of what they wanted and a lifestyle where Carol only works part time, this plus him being a loving attentive husband/father?

So flipping what if he's a plumber. It's an extremely lucrative job that most folks would be delighted to know one personally. What was the title demeaning for her or something?

To do what she and her daughter did, what would possess them to think he wouldn't take it hard? I'm sure his exwife is some kind of delusional psychopath but just how sheltered is his former daughter? Or I guess, what fairytales has her mom been feeding her?

"Your father and i aren't in love anymore so i found a better man with more money, if you keep quite and help me with this then you'll have two daddies to spoil you with love, money and gifts"? She's a teenager when this is planned and happening, no way is she naive enough to not know that there would be consequences.

I really wanna read more to see how we go here to the events in the prologue but I'm fairly certain that the good doctor turns out to be not so good. After all what good man wouldn't bang a married woman for more than a year and then conspire to steal his wife, daughter and at least half of his assets?

You made a honest attempt to come up with a story about real people. Instead, you came up with evil or/and saintly caricatures of people and a narrative that follows suit. If you ask me, you adopted a simplistic one-dimensional approach that may appeal to some like-minded audiences but not to the general readership (regardless of the score you may achieve).

I also think you shoud look into legal matters like hospital practices. I do not know about Australia, but almost everywhere else in the world, hospitals are not allowed to deny treatment on pain of severe repercussions, restraining orders notwithstanding!

Another point is that a plumber without enginnering background could never supervise the quality of machine-based manufacturing processes - it'd be suicidal for a manufacturer to allow and, basically, only production engineers are qualified.

Finally, you should try to edit your texts before submitting them. "Your" in place of "you are" and such do not a good read make, and there are several instances of grammar, syntax and typos flaws that could have been avoided.

Please keep trying, but also please do some research both material and into the pshyche of real people if you wish to write appealing stories and to one-dimensional social fiction.

All the best!

Waiting to read the continuation of this tale. I'm glad you have not tried to 'Americanize' your writing. Us Aussies can write a good story. Now I'm going off to read your other story.

In my humble opinion your story passed the mustard in all aspects . There was a few typos but that’s all I noticed was wrong . The story , minus the few typos , was perfectly done . A realistic and interesting storyline , believable characters , and a perfectly placed and enigmatic cliffhanger ending ! When you publish the next chapter I hope I don’t miss it , I’m going to be like Paul Harvey and want ‘the rest of the story’ ! Great job !

1. You need an editor. I know you don't like grammar (or spelling) police but the many errors are distracting.

2. You've succeeded in making the 15 year old the coldest bitch of a daughter I've seen on Literotica. We see stories where the child betrays the father, but few in which the betrayal is so cold, planned over time and complete that forgiveness and reconciliation would be nonsensical. This is one of those latter, but I fear that isn't the way the story is heading, with the Mackenzie character already inconsistent from one paragraph to the next as if she is two totally different people.

Good starting point, looking forward to the next chapter.

A very good start to your story. Looking forward to future chapters. I like how you had Mackenize wearing a hat Terry gave her when she was thirteen. That was a nice touch. Your story, IMHO, was nicely written. While you gave an explanation why they left, you ended this chapter with plenty of unknowns to keep the reader interested. Thank-you for the fun read.

-

I am going to try and guess the reason Caroline and Mackenzie are contacting Terry. I do not want you to tell me if I am right or not. I'll learn that when you finish the story. My guess is that Mackenize needs a kidney or some other type of biological donation and Terry is the only hope for a match as. for whatever reason Caroline is not a compatible donor.

-

Pasqual

Great start!

Can't wait for the next chapter.

Great start. TC Ireland

Liked the story. The end of this chapter could also be the end of the tale.

He will become an executive, meet a new love, have loving children, and then get an opportunity to shit on his ex wife and daughter.

Or not.

Very entertaining

I am enjoying the story, it is good. Waiting on next chapter. AAAAA++++

Great start, hope we don’t have to wait too long for the next instalment

It's a decent start. I'll keep a lookout for the next installments. But you need an editor, dewd, if just to fix your spelling.

4-stars (only because your spelling makes things a little difficult to read)

-JMFC

5 for this . its a good start . at last we see a good court judge , saw right through a decietfull wife , the daughter ,,, well ,,, at 15 years old i guess would be blinded by her mothers words and the doctors money ,, looking forward to more of this , again its a good start , thanks for sharing ,

Absolutely fabulous start!!!!!

You’re an Australian too???

Could not be better lMHO, what a wonderful story. I look forward to the next instalment, and yes, l hope it is really long, many chapters.

Scores a well deserved 5/5, wish l could give it more.

Good start. Loved the judge exhibiting actual judgement. Can't wait to see where life takes Terry. I just hope you never let either of those counts back into his life for any raac reason.

Really good so far

Just one thing. It is hard to get a restraining order against another person. You have to somewhat prove that the person you want one against is a physical threat to you. Judges just don't give them out like candy. So many authors use the 'restraining order' as a plot device.

It would be nice to have a reconciliation with the daughter, one deserved. It’s clear everything was her mother’s doing and she probably thought she’d get her father back after following the plan not considering the consequences.

You had editors? Ask them to clean up chapter two.

You are is shortened to you're and not your. Curiosity is piqued, not peaked. Spur of the moment, not spare of the moment, and never use an apostrophe to pluralize a word.

over the last several month's not a spare of the moment thing, Right now, your numb, I except you will know what to tell them, My curiosity peaked, your fifteen now

Man i cant wait for part 2

WONDERFUL, keep it going. 5 stars won't even start to rate this! He should meet that doctor someplace and nearly kill him. His ex-slut and little bitch daughter should have something worse than awful happen to them, too!

What? You don't have part two done and you published part one? You state you want to be a better author, throwing out bits and pieces weeks, if not months, apart is not the way to go about accomplishing that goal. I often publish my series a week or ten days apart which seems to work well, but they're always written and in final edit before submitting even the first. You should know where the story will go before you start, making it up along the way is a recipe for disaster.

Great story so far. I'm looking forword to part 2

Awesome beginning, thank you. I can believe he would become a hard man with respect to his ex-wife and ex-daughter after a double betrayal like that.

At 15, I was not smart, but I still knew right from wrong. So did my own kids. Mackenzie has been twisted by her mom into something I would no longer want to be associated with. If she'd been 6 or 7, I'd feel differently, but by 15 your moral sense is mostly formed. You understand the importance of following rules, being fair, and the Golden Rule. Or, as in this case, you ignore all that for your own selfish reasons.

And yes, sometimes the family courts get it right. The family court judges have about the most leeway of all, generally excused as "in the interest of the child." And nothing this judge did runs contrary to that dictum.

Really looking forward to the rest.

Liked the start of the story. Your editor needs to catch a couple more small errors.

I like the actual story. Looking forward to the plot developments in the chapters to come.

A LOT of editing needed on this story. Spelling is fine but, tons of places where incorrect words were used. Really takes away from reading and enjoying the story.

well written and very entertaining. looking forward to the next chapter

Exceptional story so far - best detail and character development I've seen in a while. Only part that confused me was the introduction. I had no idea who the characters were and how theft in until the story progressed. I'm still not sure who his wife is and/or who's kids are his. I may reread it and see if I can figure it out... 5*

I loved this even if the meeting with his new benefactor was a bit convenient. Also a bit disappointed that you haven't completed the story before publishing. Nonetheless it's the best story on the site for a while do 5 stars.

Find me when you finish. Far too many multipart unfinished stories exist on this site where writers disappear or simply have no idea what they will write because they don't outline or develop a well conceived arc. It's clear you haven't finished. Why bother posting? You are writing three other stories and by the time you actually finish the next part (even if it's your focus) readers will need to familiarize themselves with the story. I truly have no idea why so many people submit unfinished tales (yeah I know, it's vanity. I meant a legitimate reason). Ss77

It's OK but it could be better if you had an editor. For example you might not appreciate that the simple words 'your' and 'you're' are NOT interchangeable, they mean entirely different things. Maybe readers can adjust as they read these errors but it jars and spoils what might otherwise be a good tale.

I loved it! Looking forward to part 2.

Execellent start. Nice build up and the court-room scene was a neat twist. Looking forward to the rest of the story. 5*

Excellent, not often the screwed party comes out on top. Can't wait for part 2.

So far, so good. D

This sounds like the start of a Matt M story(cripes I miss him here). Doubt you will take it to MM extremes, but the put upon protagonist's reactions are what interest me.

5 for you

I like it. While it is formulaic LW the emotions ring true. Betrayal, pain, and emotional turmoil are infinite universal concepts. Human reaction is finite.

Keep going, I'm looking forward to more.

Freaking Awsome! I really liked this story. Cant wait for part 2

I loved it it's very close to my own story .I mean scary close. I love to hear the rest of the story . please finish it .I love to read it

Great start. Please dont take too long for part 2.That is the reason I dislike chapter stories.I hve seen waay too many over the years that disappear mid story.

A good start. Looking forward to the next installment.

Well well.

Having gone thru something so very similar in the last four years it is scary...tho I had no children with her but I raised her children as my own.

Hell of a start on to this tale.

Will be looking to see what happens next.

Wish my kid sister had been a lawyer tho instead of a school teacher...

My life is better now even tho there is no loving partner in it as of yet.

The problem with this story is it’s a “Disney story for guys”. Not men; but guys.

The wicked ex wife is reduced to poverty and worse, along with everyone who betrayed the perfect husband and father, while he flourishes and lives his best life.

Newsflash, I hate Disney and so do most men.

I normally do not read stories divided into parts but scanned this one and then read it because it looked good. It was. But then I read your notes where you had barely started part 2. Then I remembered why I don't read

" broken" stories. By the time part 2 comes out, I will have forgotten part 1. And I won't read it. A shame really because I liked the direction it's going. Oh well, there are lots of other good writers who don't pen "broken" stories. Good luck!

A terrific beginning. The characters have all been labled good or evil, with only Mackenzie being not quite as bad as her mother and Stephen.

I'm eagerly waiting for chapter 2, and any other following chapters.

This story was not worth publishing now. It's much better to get all three written and then publish them as one one or break them into parts and put them up within days, if not consecutive, of each other. By the time the rest are up, I will need to reread this remember what it's about. Thankfully with your intro, I skipped to the end and sure enough according to your writing you're not even close to putting up the following chapters. Therefore, I didn't even read it.

A nice story and you have a good writing ability. Are you sure you are an Aussie? Because the way you outlined the legal rulings made by the Judge implied a US Judge. Aussie law doesn't allow the ridiculous situations that seem to occur in the different US states regarding division of assets in Divorce. EG Having been married for 15 years, ALL accounts are marital property. Including the fund set up for University for their child. Plus, the house would be marital property and, if the child wasn't going to live there, would be either sold and divided equally unless one party bought out the other. I won't even touch on the Sole Trader business which is half owned by the wife!

Finally, please get an editor to look over the writing. We all make mistakes, leaving out words etc Plus, please learn the difference between "Your" and "You are' (abbreviated to "You're"). This is again, an American mistake as they don't teach English the same way in High School as they do in Aus/NZ. You do this dozens and dozens of times. Hence all the errors in many of the stories on Literotica in basic English and poor spelling.

Hopefully you see this as constructive because writing needs to be encouraged and you are worth encouraging. Cheers, mate.

Looking forward to the next chapters!

This was a good beginning. I hope Terry ends up with a wonderful wife and kids and his ex-wife and ex-daughter live in misery. They were written almost too reprehensible to be believable. Especially the daughter! Wow! Normally I prefer reconciliations, but honestly, even if they become remorseful, this was too much. There was literally NO reason to force him to give up his daughter. That was disgusting. As her parent, I could see him always loving his daughter of the past. Her memory, as he mentioned. But not the person she turned into. There should be no future relationship. Being a teenager is not an excuse for this level of betrayal and cruelty. Sadly, there should be no reconciliation.

So far a very good story. My only suggestion is don't submit a chapter of a multi part story until it is completely finished. To many submit stories and don't finish them. Hopefully you will as this promises to be a good one.

Well done.

A good first chapter. I'll be interested to read how Carol's and Mackenzie's exciting new life turns to shit. I hope there's no forgiveness from Terry and he revels in their misery when they come crawling back to him, begging for a handout.

Not sure there's anything in this first part that makes me care enough to find out what happens next. Just left me feeling depressed.

Excellent start to this tale!!

So far, so good. Looking forward to the next installment.

Not bad. A little surprising that a daughter would turn against her father but i guess anything is possible. I do hope Terry lives well and finds a person who appreciates him. But its your story, thanks for writing.

Not a bad story. A lot of spelling and grammatical errors that needed to be addressed before posting. Hopefully you will have someone look it over before you post the next installment. Another issue I have with these types of stories is actually the result of laziness on the part of the author. It seems that when a man is done wrong by his wife in these stories, authors tend to take the easy way out to get to the conclusion the fastest way possible. Like the man used to be a military special forces, of he had a best friend that’s a private investigator or computer whiz. In your case it just so happened that his sister was a lawyer. Too coincidental to add realism to the story. You already were asking us to suspend belief that on the exact night his wife left him, he happened to meet the man who would pay him double what he was making and his life will be exponentially better now. Please stop rushing these things. He could have gone for a few months in a funk about being left. Think about real life situation and what the majority of people go through in them. It will pull readers in deeper and they will relate more with the characters. It’s ok to have maybe one fortuitous thing happen to him, just not having everything fall so smoothly into place and be so much better.

You have the makings of a good story here, please don’t make it any worse by being lazy with the plot details.

So far so good. I thought they should have gone for Stephen's licence through the ethics board. Surely having an affair with a minor pt's parent is an ethics violation.

Good start. Ex-wife, ex-daughter, and the doctor need to be burnt to the ground and the ashes pissed on daily. Let's Roll!!

Great start, I really cant wait to read part 2 and 3. Just on minor complaint, someone else already commented on the fact, but how the hell did they get a restraining order against him on all three. He didnt even knew the doctor before he met him at the hospital. To get a restraining order granted you need more than hearsay from someone, it needs evidence and/or witnesses that your presence would be harmful to either of them. It tickled me the wrong way since the rest was so very grounded it reality. But I guess it was needed to build the plot around the abandonment.

Great start. Looking forward to the next part.

You have three stories "in the works." Does that include chapter two? If so, this shouldn't have been posted.

I'll just wait to score this when I finish reading the sequel.

It was good and well-written and that is why I got pissed a little to know I have to wait for the contuation.

/

I do sense that there will be a reconciliation for the dad and daughter but not sure about the ex-wife.

One thing is proof reading, if you use a word processing program it helps with grammar errors.

I realize this is in Australia, but from what little I know of it I doubt wife could get a restraining order without some proof of violence. Her own words in her letter would get it removed.

Another criticism is that you make the wife,daughter and the doctor into caractitures. The daughter can be selfish without her being that bad, the doctor can be a stuck up ass without it being to that level, it is almost comic book.

While we deal with unreality here a lot (saddletramp stories are classics, but they are designed that way) , cardboard villains don't work well. If the goal was financial, the whole adoption thing would work against that. If he was still dad legally,would have to pay child support and court could not take away the college fund ( and I am leaving out given how stupid judges are, likely he would still have to pay, courts are so heavily in favor of the mother).

It will be interesting to see if this can be made different. At the moment it is a common story, bitch wife trades up, daughter is a bitch ( interesting it is almost never a son who is the selfish brat), they find some nasty rich guy.....then it goes south for the wife&daughter and they want ex back. Once in a when there is an original take, like where wife's lover uses daughter to claim father sexually assaulted her,that was original).

Another suggestion,be careful of introducing too many characters too fast and not letting the reader know who they are initially. In the beginning chapter you say Mimi and Paul and melody and so forth, when we don't know who they are. Because the story starts in the future, we didn't have a story to say who these ppl were.

The positive is it is not badly written, a lot of this is polishing, it comes with experience and time. I know how hard it is to write and also how vicious some comments can be, this was neither horrible or deserves being slammed or being told not to write, it is a good effort that needs polishing.

A very good beginning. Having a wife divorce you would be bad enough but having your child divorce you as well is devesting. I am looking forward to the next installment, keep up the good work. Beginning gets 5 stars *****

This was a great start, and as someone else stated, I hope you complete the story. Also, at least get someone to proofread and correct the spelling mistakes as several of yours are very distracting.

I hope to see part 2 soon.

I really like the story so far. I love the flashbacks style of writing. I can't wait to read the next chapter. The hope is that it doesn't take too long before chapter #2 is posted

Only 1/3 finished with part 2? Hint, readers lose interest/forget quickly. When you finally complete part 2, how much time will have passed? There seems to be an increasing number of multi-part stories being posted. No problem if writers complete the series and release them over a reasonably short span. However, some really stretch it out, months can go by between parts. This causes a lack of continuity and loss of interest as new offerings become available. I recently saw a 2017 story get a 2021 part 2! I find I WASTE a LOT of time having to re-read multi-part stories to refresh myself on the storyline (so many are near clones of one another!). Finish the darn story, then release it in parts over the course of a week or so. That's my rant...thanks for listening.

Great start!

to paraphrase Oliver "May I have more....Please"

Good start. Would have given you a 5* had it not had so many otherwise mentioned typos. It seems obvious where this story is headed given that the start eludes to the evil ex-wife and daughters return. I’m hoping there’s a twist coming to the expected that makes this a really fine tale.

Great start. Hope the next chapter doesn't take too long to publish.

I look forward to reading part 2

Excellent start. Let's hope part 2 comes soon

A very good start to what will hopefully continue to be a good story. But I'm afraid you end up with your story where I don't want to see it, with support and help for the former wife and daughter.

Just one correction. The abbreviation for you are is you're, not your.

hURRY WITH THE SECOND CHAPTER.

Can only give it 3.

There's a decent story in there but you need to sack your editor, so many simple mistakes have been missed.

Kim's not a great lawyer, Dr Stephen Moron shouldn't be under a warning he should be struck off. It's obviously dodgy ground for someone in his position to have an affair with a married woman but to have an adulterous affair with the mother of one of his minor patients has to be enough to never have him working anywhere in the Commonwealth again.

I'm glad he rented the house I thought you were going to miss that one.

I think his reaction to his daughter both at first and at the confrontation were very downplayed. If my daughter did it to me, I think I would have to be sectioned. It's one of the few things that would really destroy me, perhaps beyond helping.

Throughly enjoyable. Great characters and plot. Looking forward to next episode.

I hope to see the next chapter soon. This struck close to home. I even wrote half a story about it. I came home from work to find my wife and daughter gone. They had packed up while I worked a double shift. The difference was my daughter had just gone along with what my wife wanted. She was angry at me because of an argument earlier in the week. We remained close. My wife just wanted something 'different' so she moved near some people she had talked to online. well written story.

Good start. Interesting story and plot. Please have your editor be a little more diligent about catching grammatical and spelling errors. Also, break up some of the longer paragraphs. Long paragraphs are difficult to read on a screen.

So far, so good. Hope the rest is as good if not better. Waiting for the next installment.

Pretty good, apart from the cartoon villains.

Pt 2. He meets one of their daughters and starts dating. He mom dies and dad makes him #2 in charge. Ex wife finds out Stephen is cheating with a young nurse. files for divorce and gets the same judge down not go well for her. Triste to contact the ex and he tells her off again and that he's married s d 2children