Douglas

DOUGLAS

One night almost three years post Douglas, Jennifer had been feeling acutely low so Rachael got her drunk. They put on music and danced. Jen started enjoying herself. Rachael went to pee. When she came out of the bathroom Jen embraced and kissed her hard on the mouth. Rachael's whole body flushed. A hole opened that Rachael kept closed. She wanted Jennifer desperately but she knew not to proceed. It took all her will to pull away.

"No Jen, we can't."

"I know you want to."

"Not like this."

"But."

"No. Not a drunken tumble that you can't deal with tomorrow when you're sober."

Jennifer looked down, then back at Rachael. She nodded. "You're right, I'm sorry."

"That's okay. I'm going to go. Okay?"

"You're not mad. Are you?"

Rachael came close again, brushed Jen's hair back. She had always been drawn to her long dirty blonde locks. This was an opportunity to caress them with love.

"Of course I'm not mad. I think you wanted to for me. I appreciate it."

She looked hard at Jen. She wanted to make sure she got the message. "I don't want to lose you as a friend over something that can't possibly work. You know what I think about you. If you ever go there just have some idea it's a real possibility for you. Otherwise, just let me love you as a friend."

"Jen nodded slowly. After years of this between them it took this night to delineate the field of play out loud.

"Okay," she said soberly.

Rachael gave her one feather soft kiss on the lips and left. She crossed the hall to her apartment, closed and locked the door, closed herself in her bedroom and stood crying in the corner as quietly as possible, even though the entire building was between her and her love. She could no longer pretend Jennifer was anything less. If she was going to remain her friend she was going to have to come up with a way of coping with that since denial was no longer available to her.

***

Jen had been thankful that they hadn't slept together but the reasons weren't simple. She had started wondering lately if perhaps it might be a good idea. She had always found women beautiful, more so than men in fact. She'd had many fantasies about doing things with girls since she was a teen but never acted on them.

The psycho-emotional draw on her was from boys and then from men. But it wasn't a constructive draw. She always chose men who were aloof. She wasn't attracted to the loving kind. Her sexual responses seemed exclusively about holding the attention of someone who didn't love her.

Douglas was the closest she had ever come to a healthy romance. She had been mad for him, and of course the aloofness had been there. He took off and left her like a childhood disease. Left her just as her dad had done when she was ten. It was a perfect storm for her insecure heart. Now she could point to her inadequacy for the rest of her life.

But lately she kept wondering what a woman would really be like. No, not a woman, Rachael. She thought about it a lot. Pictured it. She loved Rachael tremendously. Couldn't imagine life without her. She was attracted to her. Loved her tight little body and her short, nearly black hair, her big warm brown eyes and wicked mouth.

All these were part of her love for Rachael even as a friend. She just wanted to be sure. Rachael was right. If there wasn't a chance of it working, they would be better off as friends without a failed attempt at something else between them.

How could she be sure? It wasn't the girl thing anymore that gave her pause so much as what she now recognized as her own faulty wiring. Could she respond to love and affection, to beauty? She just didn't know and she was loath to test it out on her best friend in the world.

On Saturday, yesterday, a month or so after the drunken kiss, something happened that made up her mind. An acquaintance of Rachael had invited her to a Memorial Day keg party at Rockaway Beach. Rachael asked Jen to accompany her and be designated driver so she could drink.

Rachael got very drunk indeed and Jennifer decided it would be best to just take her home. The girls loaded them into the car. Rachael slept most of the way home. Jen parked the car and woke Rachael. She slung the two knapsacks over one shoulder, and helped Rachael out of the car. She was still unsteady.

"Wow, you really did get drunk, didn't you?"

"I took a pill," she said lazily.

"What?"

"One of the...."

"Girls," Jen snapped. "What was it?"

"I don't know."

"Oh Rachael."

"I'm fine. I just shouldn't have..."

"Drank with it; no you shouldn't have."

They went up the four flights, arms around each other's waist. Jennifer unlocked Rachael's door and pulled her inside. She sat her at the kitchen table, dropping their bags on the floor. She took Rachael's face in her hands and looked in her eyes, then dropped one hand to feel her pulse. Her pupils were dilated but looked clear. Her lids were at half-mast.

"I'm fine, really."

Her pulse was strong and regular. Jen stopped worrying but shook her head in wonder at Rachael. She had never done anything but smoked. She seldom had more than two drinks. She couldn't imagine what had prompted this desire to get blasted. She probably took the pill on a whim, Jen thought.

"Okay, how about some coffee?"

"No. I want a bath and my bed. I have sand in my crotch."

In the bathroom Jen had her sit on the hamper while she ran the bath, then helped her out of her sweats and bathing suit. She pulled her up and helped her into the tub, easing her down. Rachael sighed, lying back and relaxing in the hot water. She looked at Jen from between her lashes.

"Stay a while," she slurred, "would you?"

Jen sat on the hamper. "You kidding? I'm not leaving you to drown in the tub."

"I won't but thanks."

Rachael's whole body went limp as she let her head rest against the porcelain. With her eyes closed and her body completely relaxed, Jen thought Rachael looked lewdly, and intensely, alluring. Her nipples were hard and Jen found her dark bush of pubic hair hypnotic. Rachael parted her legs.

Jen, hoping not to get caught leering, casually tasted glances of her friend's body. She tested a deep quiet breath and tried to look away but found she couldn't. Rachael looked at her drunkenly from behind her barely parted eyelids. Jen's heart jumped when Rachael spoke.

"Hey Jen, thanks."

"It's nothing. We'll put you to bed. I'll shower and come watch TV while you nap."

Rachael closed her eyes and wiped her hand across her mouth. "You're good to me," she said softly.

"You're just as good to me."

After a while Rachael sat up in the tub and holding the sides, got on her knees. "I want to wash a little," she said.

"Hold my arm so I don't tip over." Rachael laughed.

Jen knelt next to the tub and leaned behind Rachael. She put her hands on Rachael's ribs, one under each of her small breasts and held her steady as Rachael made suds, rubbing the soap against her bush. Jen bit her lip, watching while Rachael washed her crotch and butt.

"Okay," Rachael said and slid down into the water. Jens hands slid over her breasts before letting go. She didn't know if it was an accident or not. Rachael rinsed.

"Help me up and put a towel over the hamper," she said.

Jen draped a towel for her to sit on and helped her there. She grabbed another towel to dry her. She looked at Rachael's solemn face before toweling her hair.

"Raise your arms," she said.

Rachael obeyed. Jen dried her arms and brushed her breasts lightly, watched them tighten again. She bunched up the towel and brushed Rachael's bush lightly. She knelt to dry Rachael's thighs, calves and feet.

Getting up she took a terrycloth robe from the back of the door and draped it around Rachael.

"C'mon," she said.

Jen started to put the robe around her, taking a last look at her body but Rachael pulled it off. Dropped it. "I can't sleep in this. Just get me to bed." She put an arm over Jen's neck. Jen circled her waist and led her to the bedroom, enjoying Rachael's taut skin.

In the bedroom Rachael pulled away from her and crawled across the bed. Jen swallowed at the sight of Rachael's butt. Her heart skipped watching Rachael pull the covers back and slide under them. Jen turned the TV on.

"I'll be right back." Jen chirped, unsettled.

Rachael sighed comfortably, snuggling into the pillow. "Okay," she said dreamily.

Jennifer returned to the bathroom and closed the door. She opened the drain, turned on the shower, hurriedly removed her clothes and lay down under the spray.

She quickly caressed herself, watching Rachael's body move across the inside of her eyelids, felt Rachael's breasts slide through her hands, saw her hard, dark nipples, her legs parting under the water.

She turned red, climaxing while hardly breathing, gasping air not quite quietly. Jen lay there with her fingers on herself, trying to catch her breath. She got up, washed quickly, turned off the water and got out of the tub to dry.

Wrapping herself in the robe she returned to the bedroom. Rachael slept peacefully. Jen quietly leaned back against the pillows next to her and watched the television sightless.

So on Sunday, Jen woke excited and nervous. She began replaying yesterday's events. She was nervous about seeing Rachael because she knew what would happen. Yesterday when Rachael awoke in the evening they relaxed comfortably together watching TV until Rachael got sleepy again. She thanked Jen for taking care of her and promised to cook breakfast for them in the morning.

Jen kissed her on the forehead, said goodnight. Then she lay awake for an hour, thinking before going to sleep with her mind set.

Now she was just plain nervous and excited. She wasn't just testing this out; she was diving in head first. She would be committing to Rachael who she knew, truly loved her. Now with her own lust firmly in place she felt she could match that love. She did have doubts about her own destructive inclinations. Still she couldn't resist.

She brushed her teeth and made up her face, pulled a tee shirt and jeans over her naked body. She was heading for the door when the phone rang. She laughed at Rachael's perfect timing and picked up the phone with a smile.

"Hel-lo," she sang.

"Jennifer?"

Holy shit, it's Douglas. "Yes." She played dumb, stalling.

"It's Douglas."

She didn't know what to say. The urge to cry was strong. His voice brought back all the old hurt. He was like one of her internal organs now. Still it surprised her how the years he had been gone seemed to retract like a spring.

"I hope it's okay for me to call."

"Ah, Sure," she said. "Why are you calling?"

"I know I behaved like a bastard Jen. I'm so sorry. I've wanted to call but I didn't have the nerve."

"It's okay."

"I know it's not," he said.

Jennifer was completely at a loss. When Douglas left, there were a hundred things she had wanted to tell him, ask him. But she had had to let them recede into her depths. She was unprepared for this impromptu conversation. She wanted to hold her own but just didn't know what to say.

"I wanted to ask you something."

Okay, she thought, so ask. "Yeah?"

"Well, I'm coming into town for a few days before I head to Italy for good."

"Italy?"

"Yes. The firm needs me to take over the entire Italian operation. I'm moving to Milan."

"Hm. Well congratulations."

"Thanks, thanks but I was remembering how we left things. It's taken me a long time to recognize how unfair I was. I was wondering if it would serve any purpose for you if we spent some time together before I left."

Jen stood with her mouth open. She knew what her answer was but she couldn't form the words.

"I won't ask you to forgive me but if you'd like to...like I said, if it would serve any purpose for you, you could ask me anything you want. Hell, you could slap me if you want. I just thought we might be able to say goodbye a little better than the disappearing act I pulled."

Jen saw his face as it had been when he loved her, she latched on to the thought of getting to see him again, if briefly, before he disappeared forever. It would be good to say goodbye.

"Jen?"

"How long are you in town?"

"Three or four days. If I can locate Jeff I might see him Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon but any of the remaining time is yours if you like."

"Tuesday as in day after tomorrow?"

"Yes. I fly in tonight."

Oh my god, tonight! "Yes, I'd like to see you. Should I pick you up?"

"No." He paused a beat before asking as casually as he could. "Are you with someone now?"

She heard the underlying question. A thrill went through her. "No, I'm single."

"Oh," he said. "They're sending a car for me. If you like I can come right to your place."

"Yes," she said too quickly. "You may as well. What time should I expect you?"

"I land around six so within an hour or so after that if I'm on time."

"Okay good. I'll see you then."

"Jen, thanks for seeing me. We'll talk about anything you want."

"It'll be good to talk. I'm glad you called."

"Okay good. So I'll see you tonight."

"Okay bye."

"Bye now."

Jen hung up the phone and stood with her hand on the receiver. Is this a good idea? It didn't matter. She knew she couldn't resist. And yes, it would be good for her, but she wondered at his decision to talk to her after all this time. A thought bubbled up in her head. She tried to push down on it but it was useless. (Maybe he wants me). She dismissed the thought but it tingled there beneath the surface as she left for Rachael's.

Jennifer's eyeballs bounced between Rachael's feet and eyes while she told her about the phone call. Rachael received the news with wide eyes which narrowed as she took in Jen's posture; hands wringing before joining at her breast as if she were praying.

Rachael took a deep breath and agreed that it would be good for her, and said yes, she should go shop and prepare for his arrival. She told Jen that she would be busy during the day herself, and no, she would rather not see Douglas. She thanked Jennifer for taking care of her yesterday but Jen just waved a hand at her.

"You take advantage of the chance to get closure," Rachael said. "And don't worry about me. I'll just stay out of sight a few days. You can tell me all about it when he leaves."

"Okay," Jen said. "You're the best."

"What time does he get in?"

"He lands at six so he'll be here around seven."

Rachael showed Jennifer out and closed the door behind her. She stood there thinking. Rachael hated how excited Jen seemed, but she understood. Also it would be good for Jen. She remembered seeing the light in Jen's eyes through her drunkenness last night. Clearing Douglas from her mind might be the final hurdle for her and Jen.

***

Douglas watched the land pass as the plane brought him back at last to Jennifer. He had never found anyone to replace her. He had made a mistake. He loved her. There was no one like her.

He was never able to find the real reason he had left. Something had been driving him. Whether it was fear of the feelings he had, or something else, he would never really know. He had been lost somewhere in his own head. Whatever it was had cost him the three years they could have had. Anyway, they were gone and nothing could be done. what he could do was serve Jen. He just knew she still carried him in her heart. He had to free her. He hadn't made up his mind what tack to take but would have to play it by ear.

***

Rachael saw Douglas coming toward her down the wide passage. He looked handsome and quite a bit older. Even from a distance she could see he had changed in the three years since she had seen him. His walk was uncertain and

delicate, stepping along with his carry on strapped across his shoulder. He used to stride like a God.

He was looking right at her for a while before she saw the jolt of recognition hit him. He made a queer grimace before smiling at her. He drew near and smiled.

"Are you here to greet me or clobber me?"

Rachael smirked. "Depends on you." He came through the gate and stood before her.

"Can we talk before you go see her?"

He nodded. "Jen know you're here?"

"No, and I'm asking you to keep it to yourself."

"No problem," he said. "I can imagine why you're here."

Rachael nodded. "Good," she said. She looked into his eyes and saw that he had grown up some. The brash young playboy seemed to have been replaced by a man. Still, she didn't trust him. She motioned with her head.

"Let me buy you a cup of coffee."

They sat across a table sipping coffee. Starbucks aroma surrounded them.

"We better hurry up and talk," Douglas said. "Jen's expecting me."

Rachael nodded. "Tell her you had traffic. Why did you come?"

Douglas raised his eyes from the coffee. He put it down and folded his hands.

"I want to see her one last time before I go away. I want to apologize. I want to answer any questions she might have about my leaving. I want to leave better."

Rachael tilted her head. She had expected him to fight her, say it was none of her business. She wasn't prepared for this tame Douglas. "So, why did you leave?"

He frowned. "I really don't know, Rachael. It was a mistake but I can't tell her that."

Rachael looked sternly at him. "Why not?"

Douglas slid down in his chair. "Because that won't help her. Has she put me behind her?"

Rachael ignored the question. "What do you mean it was a mistake?"

He looked flatly, openly at her. "I love her."

Rachael's eyes narrowed. "So why aren't you trying to get her back."

He put his fingertips to his temple, thinking. "I...can't. I can't trust my own heart. I'll just hurt her again. That's the last thing I want. I want to tell her I love her but that I can't be with her. I have to find a way to explain. I want to give her closure."

"I don't know, Doug. You don't seem very clear about it yourself."

He nodded. "I know. But I know what I want. I want to do right by her. I'll answer anything I can. I'll tell her what she needs to hear and leave her feeling better." He looked at her.

Rachael saw he was sincere.

"I promise, Rachael. That's all I want."

She nodded. "Okay. I think it would be good for her to get a better goodbye from you. I came here to threaten you, that if you hurt her I'd emasculate you but I believe you. Please be smart with her."

He gave her a crooked smile. "I don't blame you. I was a first rate bastard. I swear I'm here to help, not hurt." He smacked his lips. "So what's up with you guys? Ever get next to her?"

Rachael grinned stiffly. "We're best friends. You know I love her but it's not her thing. I'm fine being her friend. We're closer than ever. Besides, there are a million guys who would give up a leg to have her."

He rocked his head back and forth. "Maybe you should go for it."

"Worry about your own part Doug. I'll take care of our friendship."

"It's not that," he said. "I'm serious. I know how you feel about her. It would be nice to know she was safe in someone's arms, someone who loves her."

"Like I said Doug, it's none of your business."

Doug put his finger across his lips to dry them. Rachael noticed they were frayed. He had apparently taken up picking them. Sure enough he fell to picking them as soon as he had dried them. "I'm just saying, sometimes she doesn't know what's good for her. You may have to make the decision for her."

They stared at each other; Rachael astonished at the depth of change in him. She stayed behind, sending Douglas on alone to meet his car. She sat sipping her coffee, wondering at the new Douglas she had just met. She hadn't expected it.

She trusted his intentions, and thought his visit would probably do Jen some good, unless he had hustled her. But now that he was on his way to Jen, Rachael felt anxious. She knew they would be together in Jen's bed tonight. It was unavoidable. It burned Rachael but it was a pain she was willing to swallow. This was too important a time to worry about jealousy.