Douglas

What concerned Rachael was the outcome. She believed Douglas was leaving after his visit. She was less certain about his contention that he wasn't here to take Jennifer with him. Having discovered that he made a mistake, that he loved Jennifer, Douglas was here to make it up to her but not to win her back. Something was wrong with that picture.

Why would he admit to loving her? He could have said he was coming back to do the right thing and say goodbye clean. Why? He hadn't thought any of this out. If he had he would have kept that admission to himself.

Rachael got up to make her way home. She was sure Jennifer was a whisper away from coming to her when Douglas emerged out of nowhere. She picked her head up and set her jaw. She walked out to catch a cab. She would go home and roll the biggest damn joint in the world. This week would tell her where her life was headed next.

***

Douglas stood looking up at the familiar building after the limo pulled away. Memories of those times came back to him; coming home after work to Jen's enfolding love, coming out the door together and out onto this street, walking arm in arm to the movie theater.

The weight of lost time fell on him. He reminded himself that he was here for her benefit, not his own. But knowing she was upstairs waiting for him thrilled and frightened him. This was the most important thing he would ever do.

Doug's nervousness grew when she buzzed him in. He walked up the past-laden stairs which looked like yesterday. The three years between, vanished.

Turning up the last incline he saw Jennifer standing by the door in faded jeans and a tee shirt he remembered. The sight of her stopped him. They stood looking, easily reading each other as if time was a parlor trick. Doug climbed the steps quickly, dropped his bag, and moved toward her with his arms out. Jennifer threw herself against him and sobbed against his chest while they clung to each other.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

She looked up, surprised at the tenderness in his voice, his eyes. She let go and dried her face with her fingers. "Come on," she said, taking his hand and one of his bags. He lifted his case, and followed, asking himself for the hundredth time how he ever left her.

Jennifer led him straight to the bedroom, took his bag and dropped it to the floor. She walked around him to relieve him of his jacket. She draped it over the chair and came back to him. She pulled her tee shirt up and over her head, unbuttoned then shimmied out of her jeans. She embraced Doug again and said into his chest. "Unhook me."

***

Rachael got out of the cab and looked up at the fourth floor window. The pale glow of the nightstand lamp leaked from Jen's bedroom window. She climbed the porch steps, and let herself into the building.

Climbing the stairs, Rachael thought she could feel Douglas' presence. Her nostrils flared like a hunter in pursuit. On the top landing she threw a glance at Jen's door before letting herself into her apartment.

She put the stereo on and turned up the volume to block out the world. She paced slowly through the apartment while she smoked. The emotions of the last few days tumbled aimlessly inside her breast.

She had used a troop of lesbians to seduce Jennifer. She hadn't known her intentions until after the fact. She realized this morning that she had planned the whole thing. Jennifer frolicking with the girls, her getting stoned, all subconsciously plotted. And it worked. It told her what she wanted to know.

Now everything was suspended inside of her, waiting to touch down. She told herself that she had nothing to worry about. This thing with Douglas was an end, not a beginning. She was the beginning. But she was worried. She couldn't wait for him to leave. Just apologize, fuck her, kiss her goodbye and get lost.

Rachael realized she couldn't stay in the apartment this night. She called Maryanne. She got right to the point. "Hey how'd you like to hang out tonight?"

"Sounds like fun. Am I going to be happy?"

Rachael snickered. "I can't promise but it's a possibility."

"I'll be there in forty minutes."

"I'll be outside."

Rachael made herself up and looked in her closet for something seductive to wear. Why shouldn't she sleep with Maryanne? The girl had been aching for her for years and it would be fun to scratch that itch. Also she was using that attraction tonight to keep from loosing her mind. Maryanne should get something out of it. She selected her outfit; white bikini underwear and a loose white backless cotton dress she wouldn't even have to remove to have sex, a light gray sweater and clogs. She grabbed her bag and went down to wait for Maryanne.

***

The sex was beautiful, better even than before with Doug. He was passionate but his roughness was gone. Jennifer responded to his generous lovemaking. It was exactly his roughness she had liked before. After, when they had lain side by side a while looking in each other's eyes, Jennifer got up.

"Stay," she told him. She wanted to talk but felt she couldn't, laying so close, looking in his eyes. She shut the lamp, went to the window and pulled up the blind, leaving the lace curtain. She looked out at the street.

Her naked skin glowed in the dim moonlight. The streetlamps threw light onto the ceiling.

"You're more beautiful than ever," Douglas said behind her.

She turned her head and smiled weakly at him before looking out the window again.

"I don't know why you'd think that," she said.

"I always thought you were more beautiful than anything. But yes, you're even more beautiful now I'm awake."

Jen turned and leaned against the wall, folded her arms under her breasts. "How did that happen, that you woke up?"

Douglas leaned up on his elbows and briefly lifted his palms in a shrug.

"Came to face myself over time."

Jennifer nodded somberly, not really understanding. "Are you with anyone?"

He shook his head. "I've had a few girlfriends but nothing sticks with me. You were the best."

Jen blanched. "What does that mean?" She hadn't expected anything like this. A tingle went up her spine and her heart beat faster.

Douglas found it hard to do what he had come here to do. The idea of winning her back was the biggest temptation he had ever faced. He knew he would pass the test.

"I don't want to mislead you. I'm going away, and we'll never see each other again. I'm not someone who can mate properly. I can't have a relationship in the way you can but what I'm telling you is the truth. You're the best thing, the best girl there is." He looked blankly at Jen. "Look in my eyes, and see if I'm lying."

A flash of anger crossed her face then passed. She found, looking at him, that she couldn't be angry. He had changed, and was telling her the truth. He looked a little sad, and was clearly being honest with her.

"Why is that, do you think, that you can't mate?"

"It's just the way I'm made."

Jen turned to look outside again. "So, you going to be alone forever?"

"No," he said. "I'm sure I'll find another busy executive, someone to share life with. Someone like me who is obsessed with her career, and is happy with the level of intimacy I can stand. There are lots of us out there. I can't be close like you can. I think that's what dragged me away. The feelings scared me, and I was angry at you for being more than me.

I didn't know it at the time but it's become clear."

Jennifer nodded at the window. There was only this brief time together. She had to say what she thought now or regret it after. She spoke just above a whisper toward the quiet street. "Maybe you can do better."

Douglas shook his head. "You have to listen to me Jen. I love you but I'm not good for you. I came back to tell you that, in case you were still thinking about me. I'm not worthy of it. The wrong part of you is attracted to me."

He put his hand to his temple and squeezed his eyes shut like a mind-reader focusing. "I want to walk away, and not hate myself. If we got back together you'd hate me worse someday. I'd let you down. I couldn't stand that. I want to part friends. You have to find someone who deserves you." He looked up at the back of her head. "Do you hate me still?"

Jennifer kept looking outside. Hate wasn't an issue. "It was a physical pain to lose you," she said. "I know I chose cold guys before." She turned her head to look at him. "I'm not ignorant anymore." She looked outside again. "None of those guys even flash across my mind. You were different. I never really got over you."

She turned and shot a glance his way before facing the window again. "I told someone the other day I was down on myself. When she asked why, I almost said I had just been through a difficult break up. Three years and I'm still in the same place; thicker skin, older and smarter, aware, but still in the same place."

She turned again and leaned against the wall by the window. Being naked in front of him was as natural as if they had never parted. "Now you come back and tell me I'm the best but you still don't want me."

Douglas started to get up but Jennifer held out her hand. "No, don't get up," she said. "Just level with me."

Doug sat with his arms around his knees and looked at Jennifer with soft eyes.

"I am leveling with you. Sure, I want you to forgive me. You can even say the whole thing is selfish on my part. I want to move on with my life without the guilt of hurting you. But the only reason that's true is because of what I think of you. I can't change the truth. I can't be with you, but I'm begging you to get over this. I love you as much as I can love someone, but I can't love well. Find someone who knows how to love. Stop chasing exactly what you can't have."

They stared at each other for a long time. Douglas knew he couldn't look away even for a moment. He didn't blink until he saw Jennifer do so. Everything rested on this moment. She had to see he cared, that she was valuable, better than him. That there was a chance for her that he could never have. If she could grasp that fact, and run with it into a life free of him, he will have done what he came here to do. And this time he had with her, this synopsis of the life they could have shared, was more than he deserved. But he would take it as his own as long as it served Jen as well."You have to let yourself love someone real Jen, someone who could love you back. Do you know anyone like that?"

Jen looked out the window again just in time to see Rachael climb into Maryanne's car. She watched it pull out and up the block.

***

Rachael lay with her face on the bed, exhausted from Maryanne's attention. Maryanne came to lie next to her but it was a minute before Rachael opened her eyes and looked into Maryanne's. "You're trying to ruin me for anyone else, aren't you?"

Maryanne smiled dimly. "A hopeless quest," she said. "I know who you're thinking of."

Rachael tried to shake her head but only managed a little movement. She was so comfortable. The copious pot intake and Maryanne's hungry lovemaking had left her happily spent. "I'm not thinking of her now, I can promise you."

Maryanne nodded. "Good. You love her." It wasn't a question.

Rachael gave a slight nod.

"Does she love you back?"

Rachael moved her hand over and rested it in Maryanne's. "I'm pretty sure she does."

Maryanne opened her eyes slightly at her. "So why are you here?"

"Ex-boyfriend's in town to say goodbye."

Maryanne considered. "Have you been with her yet?" Rachael shook her head.

Maryanne sighed. "I wish you luck." She came closer and put her arm around Rachael. "Tonight you're mine though."

She smiled. Rachael smiled back. "I think you'd better get some food in me if you expect anything else from my body tonight."

Maryanne nodded. "I think I can manage that."

***

Jennifer lay back on the bed. She gave Douglas her hand but didn't look at him. She watched the shadows on the ceiling and thought. Making love the second time had been different. It was lovely, even more genuine.

This time she knew she was really saying goodbye, and it was okay. The light speed change surprised her. He had somehow helped her find the knowledge inside of herself. It had been there all this time but she couldn't find it until their talk.

He was right. She loved him, but not like she had thought. Jen felt the angst dissolve in her breast and leave her. She knew what she wanted.

"Thank you Douglas."

"For what?"

"I can see now. You're right. And I do know someone like that, someone I love who loves me."

Douglas squeezed her hand. "I'm happy Jen. I really am. It's all I wanted. Thank you Jennifer, for the past, and for this night."

In the morning they both decided Doug should leave, and stay in a hotel for the rest of his visit. They had done what they needed to. They stood outside the building waiting for his car.

"Will we talk sometime?"

"No," he said. "That's something I need. I can't see you or talk to you again. I'll be free now to find what I need. I hope you understand."

Jennifer nodded. "I do."

"Forgive me?"

Jen made the sign of the cross on his forehead. "I absolve you," she said, smiling.

Doug smiled back before saying seriously. "Thank you Jen, really."

"No, thank you Douglas. You've done me a great service. I'm so glad you came."

They hugged fiercely to each other before letting go. When they let go the car was there waiting. They hugged again, and Douglas kissed her forehead. He climbed into the back seat, and waved as the limo pulled away.

Jennifer ran upstairs, showered, and cleaned the apartment. She stripped all the bedding, and made everything up fresh. When Rachael didn't answer her knock, Jen knew where she was. She grabbed a book, and went out to sit on the front steps to wait for Rachael.

She knew where her life was going. A peace she had never known settled in her heart. She knew they would eventually be giving up one of the apartments; whichever Rachael decided. Jen thought maybe then it would be time to get a cat or two.

An hour later Maryanne's car pulled up and the two girls looked at Jennifer who smiled gloriously at them. Rachael turned to look at Maryanne who smiled at her, and nodded.

"Go," she said. "I want to be in the wedding party."

Rachael leaned over to kiss her goodbye but Maryanne pushed her away and laughed. "Go," she said.

Douglas had the driver take him straight to the airport. He had to wait a few hours before getting a seat on a plane.

The 747 took off and carried him back to L.A.

Bits of his life came back to Doug during the flight, things he hadn't thought about in years. When he was ten he asked his mother if they could get a dog. She couldn't take on the responsibility, but got him a pet rat instead. Douglas was disappointed but within a week he was in love with the little creature. He named her Ruth, and they became good friends.

Thinking back, Doug realized he had been a good provider for little Ruth. He spent lots of time with her, built her things to climb, kept her cage clean and read about what treats were good for her. When she died after two years he had been heartbroken.

Now Doug wished he had fed that ability of his to love animals. Ruth had been his only pet. He never drank from that stream again. It had been a mistake. A few tears fell from his eyes thinking about her. Her memory was a good one though and he treasured it now.

All through junior high Douglas had a best friend. They had gone to different grade schools but when they met in 7th grade it was like they had always belonged together. They had the same sense of humor and Jeff even looked like he could have been his brother.

In 11th grade Jeff won the hand of a girl he had been in love with for years. At first Doug had been happy for him but he became jealous over time. After a few months Doug started pursuing the girl when Jeff wasn't around. When Jeff found out, the two friends had a huge argument. Douglas stopped the unwanted pursuit, but the damage was done. The friends reconciled, but it was no use. The trust had been broken. By the end of the school year they stopped seeing each other altogether.

Douglas got up, and went to one of the bathrooms to cry. He sat on the toilet and sobbed, thinking of Jeff, wishing desperately he hadn't betrayed him. When he got under control he washed his face, and returned to his seat.

He sat looking out the window, thinking about Jennifer. Jennifer was actually a good memory. The pain he had caused her was the lesser of two evils. She was free, and now he would be remembered fondly, without pain.

Douglas put his head back, and took a deep peaceful breath. In the time it took for the plane to get halfway home he had thought about his three most precious relationships. It was acceptable. He was content.