All Comments on ''Dracula' and the Maiden'

Not a bad story, perhaps overdone in areas until the ending, that flat out sucked.

Really good story. I liked it a lot. The engagement ending was a bit sudden though. And you might want to remove your notes from the end of the story or at least correct the age of Cheri: She's 34 in the story but only 29 in the notes.

Nevertheless a great story though!

Crap, I thought I deleted my notes. Thanks for the encouragement. On the ending, I just put felt that Jason, once her realized that he loved Cheri and was so lonely at his home, would just want to have her live with him. Not too far fetched I think, many people ‘shack up’ knowing each other less well than these two.

The story is fine, but even allowing for the fact Cheri is a virgin there should have been more, and wilder, sex at the finale. She's been waiting for him since high school. I would have expected Cheri, even though inexperienced, to have gone after him like a wanton savage, satisfying 16 years of longing for Jason. The bit where she played high school girl seducing her teacher was excellent.

The bit where Jason suggested Cheri move in with him and her replying that she wouldn't without the right paperwork is a good idea, but crudely executed. (An example of that done right can be found in the finale of The Greatest Show On Earth between Sebastian and Angel.)

I feel the business with the shooter could have used a little foreshadowing; it felt a trifle contrived to me. Don't misunderstand, I found it good. But in fiction unlike real life, you need to give the reader some indication of a possible nutbar lurking in the wings.

These are minor complaints about an enjoyable story.

I thought it was excellent. I’m a romantic at heart and this story fit the bill. Keep it up.

I enjoyed your story and got upset with Jason because it took him so long to get it.

If you want it to be more authentic, a true latina would probably not have taco shells in the oven unless she's just trying to appeal to his preferences.

If she's really adept, she'd make her own tortillas. Most people don't anymore. Even if they're store bought, they're soft. You put them in the oven long enough to get them warm and slightly crispy or you warm them on the stove top on a cast iron pan out griddle, unless you have an actual tortilla warmer.

I'm sorry I stopped in the middle of your story and skipped to the end to critique the cooking. I'll go back and finish.

Since I'm already commenting, I'm surprised this story is considered taboo to you, but then I'm not because you present yourself as a decent man in your bio. As a teacher, I generally avoid anything with teacher-student romance, but she's been out of school quite awhile and he's single... It loses the taboo to me, which also makes it safe for me to read in my mind. And it's a good story!

The part with the shooter just seemed to come out of nowhere. Odd that he had a semiautomatic weapon and a sword, unbelievable. The cast, who should be traumatized by the experience, still partied afterward? Also unbelievable.

In the story she was 34 and had taught for 5 years, in the notes at the end she was 29 and a first year teacher! Still I really liked it, thanks

Cal59, I’m glad you liked it! I accidentally published the notes which were intended as a guideline for me as I write. I sometimes make changes as the plot develops.

This story hit very close to home. I was a HS drama teacher for 33 years until retirement, in an upper middle class suburban school with a very active, professionally driven theatre program, directing three of the six plays we produced annually.

In those years I had crushes on about a half dozen incredible, talented, intelligent and caring young ladies. Oddly enough, the young ladies I held dearly never pursued professional acting careers (though I have had several young men and women who have become nationally known talents). My “crushes” all persued other fields like law, anthropology, film casting and professional writing.

I NEVER had an indecent moment with any of them, but my fantasy was that one would find me after my multi-year marriage had broken up. This story regenerated those old fantasies.

BUT . . .

The OTHER major job I had prior to teaching was as a lower echelon editor at Harper Collins. Here’s my semi-professional advice:

This should have been a 4-5 page story, at best. Unless you assume your readers are morons the redundancy of narrative voice was unwarranted. Also, delivering internal monologue is the calling card of an amateur.

There were moments of brilliance muffled by overindulgent narrative.

I’d say “don’t quit your day job”, but there is an inherent humanity here.

Do you want to improve? GET A FUCKING EDITOR!!!

If not, continue your little hobby.