Dream a Little Dream Of Me Pt. 02b

The assistant warden put a hand on Alan's shoulder. "Sorry about that, Mr. Gale. They can get real emotional near...."

Alan nodded and gathered up his pad and pencil from the floor where he had dropped them.

**********

He sat in his car for an hour, staring at the tall concrete walls blocking this place from the rest of the world.

The word came to him eventually.

Cleithrophobia.

Fear of being locked in. Fear of being unable to leave.

**********

Mrs. Gale hung her coat in the closet. She folded her gloves into her hat and put them up on the shelf.

"Thank you for starting a fire," she said. "It is brutal outside."

Then her husband turned from the fireplace, and she gasped.

She waddled awkwardly to him and drew him as close as her eight-month belly would allow.

"You're crying," she said. He held a pad of yellow paper. "What's the matter?"

"I love you so much. Honey. Melissa. I--" He sniffed and took a deep breath.

"I don't think I can do this anymore."

His wife hugged him tight, squashing their child to be between them. He had been so excited over the opportunity to interview that man on death row, the one who had shot his wife and her lover. But when he came home yesterday from the prison, he had changed in a way she could not follow.

"I don't want to be a reporter."

She gazed at him in astonishment. All the years they had known each other, his ambition had only been to report the news. Write articles to expose evil, out the wrongdoers. She had supported him in this, though her family and friends urged her to encourage him to change careers. Newspapers were dying. Don't let Alan get caught in the undertow.

"If I keep on like this, I am going to start losing my trust in... everything I love. I'm afraid for us. How can I let you bring a baby into--"

"Then quit." She said it suddenly. She realized she meant it. The baby was due very soon. Their finances were shaky already. If Alan had to look for another job at the same time....

"Just do it," she said with no reservation. "I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy."

They held each other for a long time, standing in the warmth of the fire and listening to the wind howl outside.

**********

I thought often about the coming time. I would lie in the dark, listening to the shouts and curses and laughter in the distance, men who would not leave here in the back of a hearse. Men who would likely not know the hour and minute of their deaths.

What would I do on my last walk? Would I scream? Plead? Cry? Would they have to bodily carry me to the room where the gurney waited?

Would I face the end like a man or go cursing the world?

If I had been innocent, then you bet I would have cursed.

But I was guilty.

I am not entitled to go with dignity, either. I am an inconvenient piece of trash. My disposal will be marked with ceremony and the shadows of kindness only because I am a fellow human, and that counts to the world just a tiny bit.

In the end, I didn't have to choose. When they opened my cell door, the static level dropped to zero. My thinking had never been so sharp. I saw everything with intense clarity even as the walls moved back. Every surface became more transparent as I walked down the hall. It was as if I floated above the floor.

The world had no substance.

On my back, feeling the pinch of the needle in my arm, they asked me if I had any last words. Another thing I had thought often about.

I had a million words. I had no words.

In the end, I just shook my head.

I sighed. I heard the rush of water over a gigantic dam. The lights dimmed.

"Matt?"

I opened my eyes. The room was filled with a violet light. It was almost familiar.

The voice was familiar.

"Chris?" I croaked, my throat dry and burning. "Chris?"

I reached out frantically.

"Here, Matt."

Her arms snaked around me. I could barely see the shape of her. Long hair brushed against my face.

She smelled like flowers and fresh grass.

I grabbed on and squeezed hard, harder than I have ever done anything in my life.

"I'm sorry, Chris. I'm sorry I hurt you."

She kissed my naked chest. "It's okay, Matt. I didn't feel it. One minute I was in the light, and the next minute... I was in the dark."

"You waited for me."

"Yes," she breathed. "I waited for you. I love you."

"I love you," I said. "Forever and ever."

She kissed my cheek.

"Is this a dream?" I asked.

I felt her nodding.

"We're never waking up, are we?"

Her arms tightened around me.

"No. No, we aren't."