Dream Job

"So you didn't even try?" He seemed frustrated.

"No. I didn't even try." I snapped back. "They would have made me out to be a bitter, jealous gay guy from work who had a crush and then got upset when he wouldn't leave his wife. Something like that. No one would believe me. I know they wouldn't. As a straight man, you could never understand." I was getting upset having to explain myself again.

"Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. Victims get treated terribly. I can only imagine how much worse it is for guys." He was trying to be understanding while trying to control his anger. I had to give him a break, I realized.

"Sorry, I've never told anyone."

"Oh shit, I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry it happened. I'm sorry I had to ask. I'm sorry for everything, truly." He looked like he might cry now.

"None of it's your fault. I know you just want to help your mom. That's amazing of you. I hope you can get her away from him before he hurts her."

"I won't let that bastard hurt her, don't worry about that. I'm going to make sure he never hurts anyone else." He said it to reassure me but it sounded ominous.

I thought about it over the next few days and then I pushed it out of my thoughts. I was going to enjoy my summer in spite of Porter Kostas.

I wanted to make friends and keep busy, so I got a job as a bartender at a local club on the edge of a gay neighborhood. It was half gay, half hipster, and totally eclectic. I made some nice tips and met some nice people.

I had a few customers that came in to hit on me all the time. It felt nice and I managed to put the attack behind me enough to flirt back. But I knew my ability to trust was pretty broken.

One of those customers that came in to see me was a gigantic, beautiful black man named Chris. He was always kind and sweet. His flirting was playful and never crossed the line. I lit up every time he showed up at the club.

One night Chris asked me if he could take me out sometime and I froze up. He sensed my reaction was deeper seated and he backed off without abandoning me. I was so sure he'd move on since I balked, but he took a step back and we fell into our regular routine.

It was a weeknight and the bar was nearly empty now. Chris nursed his drink while chatting with me as I did my side work. The time flew by as we talked and laughed. I wanted to trust him. But I was still scared.

"Tristian, you're quiet again. Where'd you go?" Chris asked gently.

"I'm sorry. I really like you Chris. But someone hurt me and I've had a hard time trusting anyone since then." It was more of an explanation than I'd ever given anyone other than Devin.

"I understand, Tristian. I got hurt once too. I know what it feels like to lose trust."

"Who hurt you?" I asked because I wanted to know and I hoped it wasn't as bad as what happened to me.

"My husband. He was sick and he pushed me away. And then he died." He said it flatly.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked." I felt terrible that I'd brought it up.

"Don't worry about it. It was a long time ago. I got a lot of counseling afterwards and I'm actually much better now. So, who hurt you?"

"I knew you wanted to ask me that. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to answer. I'm sorry."

"Tristian, it's alright. No pressure. My sister is a therapist. She helps all kinds of people through all sorts of issues. I could give you her number if you want to talk to a professional."

I hadn't really thought about seeing someone, but maybe I should. "Would she tell anyone what I told her?" My trust issues apparently extended all the way to therapists.

"No, never. She's my sister, but she wouldn't tell me, or anyone about your sessions. It's against the law, I believe. It's at the very least unethical and she's not that kind of person."

"Maybe I'll call her. I need to talk to someone. You see, I was attacked by a guy that I thought liked me. I thought he was my friend." I didn't know why I blurted all that out. He would probably bolt.

"Oh, god no. That's terrible. No wonder you're reserved and unwilling to trust people. Jesus, I'm so sorry, Tristan." He looked right into my eyes and didn't shy away when my tears started to fall.

"Thank you. I hope that doesn't scare you away." I said it honestly. I realized it was one of my biggest fears. I was afraid a man would physically hurt me again, but I was also afraid that good men wouldn't want anything to do with me once they knew I was damaged.

Chris reached out and lay his big hand on the bar, palm up. His eyes were gentle as he silently asked me to take his hand. I eventually rested my hand in his much bigger one. I was terrified and it felt nice at the same time.

"Please call my sister. Or someone else. You can get through this. You can take back your power with some help. You can take away the power he has over you."

Several days later I called Chris's sister. She got me in the very next day. Her name was Ronna and she was not only incredibly sweet, but she was funny and I was relaxed around her immediately.

I told Ronna everything. I told her about my ex in San Francisco. I told her about every text between me and Porter. I poured my heart out and I cried my eyes out.

I expected her to be like therapists on TV. I figured she'd delve into my psyche and dissect it with me. But it wasn't like that at all. It was like hanging out with a good friend who just happened to be relationship savvy and super smart.

After three sessions I really felt better than I had in months. I was able to sleep without replaying the whole rape over in my head.

When my one year lease was up, I moved out and left all the furniture behind. I didn't want anything I'd had when I'd lived there. I was ready to put it behind me.

Ronna and I talked on the phone about twice a week. It could be a five minute check in or a two hour cry-fest in the dead of night. We became real friends. We went shopping together.

"Tristian, as your friend, I have to ask what your intentions are towards my brother?" She asked me as we tried on shoes at a nice department store.

"What do you mean? He's my friend." I blushed even as I said it. Chris and I flirted more and more now. He was more than a friend, but I wasn't sure what exactly.

"Oh, come on. He's head over heels for you and you're just as crazy about him. I know you want to take it slow, but Chris is an amazing man. I'm not just saying that as his sister either."

"Yes you are." I jabbed back good naturedly.

"No. I'm not. He was the best husband to a man who didn't really deserve it and then he got his heart broken. He needs someone kind in his life. Someone who would love him unconditionally. You could be that to him. I just know it and I think you do too."

"I'm still scared. The last guy was a nice guy at first."

"He wasn't. He was a predator that preyed on your kindness and destroyed your trust. Nice guys don't do that. Chris would never do that."

I knew she was right. I was crazy about Chris but I was scared out of my mind to let someone in. The chances that the first guy I met after my trauma would be right for me just seemed impossible.

"What if I hurt him? I don't want to, but what if I do anyway?" I was scared of so much more than getting hurt again when it came to Chris. He seemed too good to be true.

"Luckily you both have a therapist in the family and if you don't want to talk to me, I've got colleagues I trust enough to refer my own brother and my new bestie to." She smiled her devastating smile that melted my defenses.

"I guess one date wouldn't hurt." I relented because I totally wanted to go out with him. I guess I caved to my own desires and the hope that I could have my life back. Maybe even a better life.

Chris came into the bar the next night that I worked. He was smiling and he looked so handsome. We talked like we always did and I enjoyed his company, as usual.

At the end of my shift I could tell Chris was nervous. Ronna must have told him I was letting down my walls and had agreed to the possibility of a date.

She talked to us about each other since it wasn't an official therapist -- client confidentiality situation anymore. I didn't mind. She was my friend and she wanted to set me up with her brother. I think all three of us wanted the same thing actually.

Since Chris was looking scared, I decided to take the leap myself. "I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner tomorrow night?" I tried to sound confident, but I was shaking.

He looked up, surprised by my question. Then he smiled from ear to ear. "I'd love to have dinner with you. Where are you taking me?" His happy aura washed over me and I felt giddy with possibilities.

"There's a new Mexican place I heard about. It's casual, like food truck level casual, but it's supposed to be life changing." I knew he'd be on board. He was a foodie and he loved food trucks in general and as a concept.

"I can't wait!" He was so genuinely excited. I really felt hopeful. Doubts still swirled in the back of my mind, but I knew they were ghosts of the past. It was safe to ignore them.

"Me neither. As a matter of fact, I'm done here in ten minutes. Want to grab something to eat with me tonight?" I asked, hoping I hadn't started coming on too strong.

"On one condition." He looked right at my eyes as he said it.

"Okay, what's your condition?" I quirked my head at him.

"You'll still take me out tomorrow, too." My heart leapt when he said it. I couldn't help my goofy smile.

"Oh course. I'm not going to deny you life changing Mexican food after I offered it to you. I'm not cruel." I smirked at him.

"Oh, good. You had me worried." He shook his head "no" as he said it, pointing out he wasn't really worried at all.

"Let's get out of here." I walked around the bar, ready to leave for the night. And ready to spend time with Chris outside the club.

We went to a late night sandwich shop and split a local fried oyster po' boy. I took a big bite and a dollop of zesty mayo dripped onto my chin.

"Let me get that." Chris said as he reached out to wipe the sauce off my skin. Holding my chin in his hand, his thumb slid across my skin to gather the mayo. My stomach flipped at his touch. In a good way.

He licked his thumb, cleaning the creamy dressing off with his wet, soft looking mouth. I couldn't help but watch his digit disappear between his full lips. His tongue darted out and ran over his lower lip and I sucked in a breath.

Chris lifted his eyes and looked at me. He noticed that I'd been watching him and he grinned at me. "Enjoying the show?" His voice was seductive and silky.

"It was rather wonderful to watch, so yeah, I enjoyed it. What do you do for an encore?" Flirting still felt foreign and I worried I'd give him the wrong idea. Wait, what was the right idea? And the wrong one? Shit.

"Stop overthinking. You can relax when you're with me, Tristan. You know that, right?"

"I do. I'm just nervous. Some things are triggers, but since I haven't done them, I guess I didn't realize how much they scared me."

"Can I hold your hands?" He asked cautiously.

I nodded and he took my hands in his. His skin was warm and soft. His big hands felt safe. I smiled at him. "Thank you for being so understanding."

"I need to be perfectly clear, Tristan. I'm not trying to be understanding so that I can move this along, whatever this is between us right now. I don't have a certain goal in mind or an agenda. I have real feelings for you. Incredibly strong and serious feelings. I'm not looking for a conquest. I'm looking for forever. I see you as my forever and I'm willing to work with you for it. No matter how hard it gets, or what life throws in our way, I'm going to find a way to get through it with you. Nothing you can do or say will scare me off. I want, no, I need to be with you. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I nodded as my eyes filled with tears. "Can I have a hug?" I said as my throat threatened to close up with emotion. He wrapped his arms around me and held me against his broad chest. He smelled better than anything I'd smelled in my whole life.

Chris wanted to be with me. He hadn't so much as kissed me and he wanted to commit himself to me forever. It should be a terrifying thought, but it wasn't. All of his words were things I wish I could have said to him.

The last few years had left me feeling unlovable and broken. And this man, who slowly became my friend and then offered me forever without putting expectations on me, was mine for the taking. It was overwhelming in the best possible way.

"I need to take things slowly." I said as I pulled back. "I don't know how much time I'll need. What if it takes too long for you?"

"I know you need to go slow. I'm totally onboard for taking this at your pace. I know I've given you this huge, sweeping promise of forever, but I understand it will take a while to get there. But we will get there. I promise you that. I just needed you to know that I'm not going to leave or give up no matter what happens. I want to let our relationship grow and bloom naturally. We start as friends today, and we take each step together. But the pressure is off. We're going to be together forever, so there's no timelines or outline we have to follow."

"I like that. I want that. With you, Chris. I really do. I won't give up either. On you, or me. Or us." I was so hopeful. Maybe more than ever before.

Chris and I went on dates nearly everyday for the rest of the summer. He worked early mornings until the early afternoon, and he'd come to the bar or my new place after that. Every day.

At first we hugged hello and goodbye. One day I kissed his cheek and he grinned at me until my brain melted. His sweet nature, about such little things, made me fall more and more for him. Ronna was over the moon about us being an "us".

After several weeks of dating, officially, we had our first kiss. It wasn't contrived or over produced. It was organic and perfect. I'd gone over to his place for lunch on a Sunday afternoon. We'd worked in the kitchen, side by side.

With lunch made, we filled up our plates and sat on the couch to eat while watching an art documentary he'd found that he was sure I'd like. He was always considerate like that.

I finished my food and I looked at Chris. He was just finishing his lunch as he watched the TV. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and noticed me watching him.

"Did I miss some?" He pointed to his face and held up his napkin.

"No, you're perfect. You really are perfect, you know that? I don't know what I did to deserve a man like you, but I'm never going to stop trying to be the best I can be for you." I said it and realized it was all true.

My eyes locked with his and I leaned into him and kissed his soft, full lips. He kissed me back, gently. I wrapped my arms around him and growled into his mouth.

Our kisses escalated quickly and soon he was laying back against the couch cushions and I was in his lap, or lips clashing.

I pulled back and blushed. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. I had a flash of fear, but I knew Chris wasn't Porter. I let the fear go.

We kissed and cuddled a lot, but I wasn't ready for more and he didn't push. Ever. He let me set the pace just as he had promised to. I still felt guilty about it sometimes.

"I'm sorry I'm not ready for more. We've been together long enough that normal couples would be having sex by now. And I'm depriving you of that part of a relationship. It's not fair to you."

"Who says? I'm content to hold you and kiss you, babe. I really am. I know we'll get there when we get there. And yes, I like sex as much as the next guy, but I love you more. I don't mind waiting, really."

"You love me?" I squeaked as I said it. We hadn't used those words yet.

"Of course I do. I would be crazy to commit my forever to you if I didn't love you. I hadn't said it yet because I didn't want to put the pressure on you to say it back or anything." He ran his hands down my back as he held me close.

A few days before the new school year started, I was in my classroom setting up and restocking the art supplies. Every time I heard movement in the hall, I got tense.

The principal called an emergency meeting the night before classes began. I called Bonnie and another teacher but neither of them knew what it was about. Nothing like this had happened before, they both confirmed.

We all met in the teacher's lounge at nine o'clock at night and waited for the meeting to start. I noticed Porter was absent. Several teachers were missing, so I didn't think much of it. I was just glad I didn't have to see him.

Finally the principal and several of the missing teachers came out of her office and approached the table.

"I'm sorry to call everyone in at the last minute before school starts tomorrow. First off, I need to tell you that Porter Kostas won't be back this semester." She paused as everyone reacted to the news.

The other teachers seemed upset he wouldn't be back. I kept my face neutral and I mimicked their shocked reactions just so I didn't look oddly happy about this news.

"I spoke with his wife and she's given me permission to share his situation. He takes several medicines for his seizure disorder and he's never had an issue. But he had a drug interaction with a new med and he had a massive stroke. His prognosis is still unclear."

She went on to explain that he wasn't going to die from this, but he was currently partially paralyzed and they only gave him a 20% chance of regaining his motor function. He would probably need a caregiver for the rest of his life.

As soon as I got to my car I called Chris. I told him I needed him and he agreed without even asking why. He met me at my place and followed me in.

With the door closed behind us, I collapsed into his arms and cried. Once I calmed down a little bit he led me to my room and got us under the covers, all snuggled up together. I told him everything. Including how the word "karma" had bounced through all my other thoughts the whole way home.

He let me get it all out. He held me while I told him I was going to talk to Ronna about it, officially, as my therapist. He agreed that it was a good idea. When I finally fell asleep, Chris was there, holding me tight.

We got up together and got ready for work. It was nice doing this side by side. I kind of wanted to wake up with him every single day. That was the happy thought I started my new school year with.

Shelby, now a senior, was in the fourth period class. She hugged me when she saw me for the first time. "You and that guy ever work stuff out between you?" She asked as she took her seat.

"Shelby." I just shook my head at her and rolled my eyes.

"What? He was pulling your strings all year. Is he still in the picture?"

"He wasn't ever in the picture. It's ancient history, okay? Let's move on to your first project please."

After class she and another senior girl approached me. "Well, whatever happened, you seem really happy now. I'm glad." The other girl chimed in with a "me too".

"I am happy, thank you girls." Just then my phone flashed with a new text from Chris. I couldn't help but grin when I saw his name on the screen.

"Who's that? You're bright red!" The girls giggled.

"Don't you two have somewhere to be?" But I couldn't help my smile as I joked with them. I finally relented. "That was a text from my actual boyfriend. Are you happy now?" They squealed and bounced out of the room.

I was able to go weeks at a time without thinking about the attack. Without thinking about the monster behind it. Ronna and Chris were the best support system I'd ever had.

A few weeks after school started, I asked Chris to move in with me. His lease was up in a month, mine still had ten months, so it made sense. Plus I just wanted to be near him all the time.