Dress Modestly Ch. 03: A New Proposal

Anna's mind was elsewhere throughout that evening.

She had never been on a date, much less an illicit midnight tryst with a complete stranger.

What was she thinking? How could she jeopardize her salvation in this wanton manner? What if the stranger was a rapist or murderer? What if he defiled her? Anna shook these thoughts away gently. She could feel the sweetness of Jake's kindness in his protective grasp, his concerned words. The memory of his warm eyes gave her a secret smile. No one had asked about her thoughts or feelings in so many months. No one had been concerned about her personhood or the choices she faced, the emotions she experienced.

Jake's curiosity and candor had intrigued her. His interest in her was intoxicating, like a drug. She felt an insatiable desire to have more of his attention. She wanted to hear his response to her thoughts and feelings. She wondered about him, as well. Where did he live, what did he do every day? What were his dreams about? How might his lips feel on hers?

She found herself contemplating a man in a way that had never previously occurred to her: as a complex and sympathetic consciousness, not as an authority to be obeyed, or a conduit to salvation. She could not see Jake, with his youth gleaming through his muscular frame and brown skin, as a stern figure of authority - not like her husband, Jebediah. If anything, Jake seemed like a friend, or a helper. A partner. She couldn't stop picturing in her mind his youthful, swarthy face, the full lips framed so beautifully by the slightest stubble of unshaven hair. His muscular arms with their colorful tattoos alarmed and excited her. She wondered what it would be like to be held in those strong arms...

She blushed thinking these impure thoughts. Jebediah, her rightful husband, was addressing her, and he inwardly applauded her extreme modesty, that she should blush so demurely when addressed by him. He was deeply pleased with his new wife. Her swelling breasts promised him the future of a new child in the household, and he knew many more would follow. His lovely young bride was full of promise and fecundity, a strong breeder and an obedient helpmeet. He hoped he might find another like her in a few years, once the first few children arrived and Anna lost her bloom.

Anna, unaware of Jeb's interests and plans for her, plotted her own course. As midnight approached , she had put on her warmest underclothes and sturdiest shoes. She tucked a photo of her mother, a toothbrush, and a few of her most sacred possessions into her bag, just in case something unknown might happen.

Her heart was beating wildly as she looked out the window, debating the best way to exit. She was grateful that Jeb had not chosen her for his holy union that night. She had been free, after washing up from dinner, to go to her room and feign sleep until the appointed hour.

Stealthily she snuck out of the house in terrified silence, her every step measured to bring her closer to Jake. She was a little delayed by the agonizingly slow pace her silent progress required. As she came out of the house under the night sky, she could see movement beneath the tree. A twig snapped. She held her breath. Not a soul stirred. She breathed more freely.

Jake's eyes glittered at her from beneath the branches. His dark hair and clothes helped him blend into the night. He stood up. She approached, her blonde hair loose and messy, her face flushed with fear and anticipation. He smiled.

"Anna," he took her hand softly. She cast her eyes down out of habit, but he brought his hand up to her chin and caught her gaze.

"Are you ready to go look at the stars?" he was smiling. She nodded.

They walked a long distance in silence, her hand in his. They headed out to the road away from the compound in pitch darkness. Jake held a tiny light that guided them. They reached his motorcycle, which was now roadworthy again after a minor repair. The bike's paint and chrome gleamed like liquid ink and silver under the expansive violet-blue of the night sky.

"You'll get on?" Jake asked. Anna nodded. He helped her on to the back, and then was in front of her, pulling her hands around him gently. "Hold on tight, for safety," he commanded evenly. He could feel her fear and modesty, her legs spread behind him, her hands gripping him intimately, but he cranked up the bike, and quickly roared off before she could second-guess her decision. They were on the road.

***

He knew a hillside, a small peak they could easily climb to. In under an hour, they had traversed a stony hillside and were seated on cold rocks under the brilliant sky. This was a famous place for stargazing, though Anna didn't know it.

The view they saw left her breathless. Jake's arms were gently laced under and around hers, their intimacy unspoken and unacknowledged, but deeply thrilling to them both. Anna felt her heart beating in her ears. She had never been so excited in close contact with a man.

"Heaven is so beautiful," she said reverently, her lips turning toward Jake as a cool wind swept them.

"So are you," Jake said softly. Their mouths met in a soft kiss, which slowly deepened. Their lips clinging gently, Anna felt Jake's tongue touch hers ever so briefly, and she withdrew slightly, their faces parting as they gazed steadily into each other's eyes. She smiled sadly, yearningly. Could he know how much she wanted him?

Breaking the heavy mood, Jake was asking her questions now, all about her life. She answered with candor. She had never had a conversation like this, with someone outside of her religious community. She felt fear in speaking her truthful answers, but he was not angry or judgmental or even aggressive in his questions. He was deeply interested in her, in her feelings and thoughts and whims. She became expressive, laughing even, telling him about her siblings growing up, her idyllic hometown with its ice cream shop and the library she loved and missed.

She asked about him in turn. She learned that he lived in a place called Los Angeles. "I know it from the map," she said uncertainly. "That is a very large city. Isn't it far away?"

He answered that it was, but only a few days' ride on the motorcycle.

He explained how he hoped, in a few years, to have built his own house, a cabin in some woods his family owned in the north. Maybe to have vegetable and flower gardens, to grow trees, and learn about plants, and have a workshop, and build things. He was active and industrious. He enjoyed nature, and thrilled to be outdoors.

"What about you? What would you like to be doing in the years ahead?" he asked it politely, but there was something in his tone that triggered Anna. Her face darkened.

"There is no choice for me, Jake. I have reason to believe I am with child now."

Jake flinched, but Anna didn't notice. She continued, relentlessly:

"I will be mothering soon, and from thenceforward, perhaps a mother to many children. The sister wives are unkind to me now, and I feel alone and forsaken. My life is very unhappy. But the household may grow more kind to me in time, once I have borne my own children - once I am contributing, rather than simply taking from the others. Jebediah tells me that it is so."

She heard Jake release a ragged breath. He had been fiddling with his lighter, and now he lit a cigarette and took a long drag. She did not find cigarettes distasteful so much as unfamiliar. The wind carried away the smoke.

They each kept their gazes fixed on the starry heavens above, but a heavy silence hung between them. A strange feeling stole over her as she had explained her circumstances to Jake. It was a feeling almost of shame, of regret. Previously she had never felt other than acceptance, even a little pride, about her initiation into womanhood from Jebediah. Now it seemed a deeply compromising circumstance she wished she could somehow undo. Tears formed in her eyes. She wiped them away quickly, so Jake would not see.

"Do you love him, your husband?" Jake was stubbing out his cigarette, but his voice was steady and close to her. Almost in her ear.

Anna looked down, her eyes searching the valley for lights from the compound, from any human habitation. None were visible.

"No," she said finally. "I do not love him, though I hope someday I may learn to. I do love God. I understood that by serving my husband, I serve God. And I am trying - what I want is, well, I only want to serve God."

"Do you think God wants you to be unhappy? Do you think God wants you to live a life without love?" Jake's voice was dispassionate, philosophical.

Anna shook her head. "No, of course not. God loves us. God is love. God wants us to feel...love."

Anna felt very shy. No man had invited or allowed her to contemplate the nature of God in this way before. Or the nature of love. Was her interest in Jake the beginning of love? Was this mysterious excitement she felt, was it the same feeling known as love?

Eyeing him from the corner of her eye, she felt a powerful, even overwhelming, attraction. It held nothing in likeness with her fear and distaste for Jebediah. The two could not have been more different. She did not want to leave Jake's side, or to feel his gaze stray from her. She glowed when he looked at her, her heart willing to receive him, whatever he offered. She had certainly never felt that way about her husband. Not even once.

Jake's hand was at her back, gently. "Anna, darling, this chill is getting worse. Let's climb toward that rock, and see a little more before we go back."

He helped her onto the higher rock, its sandy surface a dangerous climb in the dark. It was a deeply cold night. She huddled as close as possible to him for warmth and comfort. He had both arms around her protectively, and was rubbing up and down sensually, to warm her. He held his face against her luminous hair, his strong body curled against her petite form. They fit together well, like matching puzzle pieces. She was simply breathing him in when he continued their conversation.

"So, do you want his child?" he asked. "The child of a man you do not love?"

Anna sighed, a yawning pit opening within her. She had never considered whether it mattered, how she felt about Jeb, but the truth was no. She did not love him. She did not relish the thought of bringing to term the tiny Jeb now growing innocently in her womb. She thought of Jeb's sour breath as he rutted inside of her, his fingers pinching and pulling on her nipples as if to simulate the future suckling of their young. It was all so animalistic, so impersonal. No, she did not love him, nor did she want his child.

She did not tell Jake these things. She observed impassively: "It is my duty to bear children."

Jake waited a beat. "Sure. Well...what if it wasn't? What if you could do whatever you want with your life?"

Anna smirked a little. Jake's fingers were threaded through hers. It felt heavenly to be so close to his strong body, so entwined with him.

"But that's not the case, Jake," she halted his protests, "...and I can't think of anything I would do, anyway." She bit her lip, eyes shining. "I mean, it's all so silly, the things I would do."

"Like what?" he asked. He was close to her ear, their bodies fully touching in the effort to keep warm. He stroked into her ribs, ticklingly, and she twisted away with a sound. "Like what kinds of silly things would you do, Anna?"

She took a breath. "Well, I would ride horses," she said. "And have a swing in a beautiful garden that I could swing in all day long. And read all the books I want. With no children or laundry or chores. And all the candy that I can eat."

"Or ice cream," Jake offered, smiling.

Anna nodded, but was going on, her mind teeming with more possibilities. "I could bake a strawberry cake and eat the whole thing myself. Or I could wear lipstick and pants, and cut my hair short." She laughed thinking about that. "These long dresses and long hair, they're very hot in the summer."

Jake snorted. He touched her hair. "You'd look beautiful with short hair," he grinned. "You should give it a try. And a whole cake too, wow. Those plans are very good, they're not silly - they're very serious, important plans." His smile was encouraging, genuine.

Anna grew serious again.

"But you know I can't choose, Jake. I have promised myself to God. I am with child. When this one is born, another will come. My sister wife Sarah has endured three long pregnancies and is now with child again, and we care together for the growing young ones, with all of their needs for nursing and changing, meals and schooling. It is our duty, and we have no choice. I am swelling even now with the duty that is my fate. My future."

She brought her hand to the barely perceptible swell in her belly. Jake reached out to touch it too. He clasped his hand over hers.

"Anna, what if I told you that you don't have to do those things."

She shook her head, a disbelieving smile on her lips, her eyes cast down sadly.

"Do you know there's a medicine you can take, a pill, and you'll be as you were before? Before you conceived?"

Anna twisted her mouth. She didn't know much about the world...out there. She had never had TV. There was no newspaper in her home growing up. She had heard about the murder of infants on a genocidal scale in the gentile world, but knew that could not be what Jake was discussing. Jake was so gentle and kind, he could never be part of something cruel.

"Anna, women around the world do this every day, because it is a tremendous choice to become a mother. It is a very serious decision to make."

She was silent.

"You can get this pill. You'll get your period, just like before." She blushed when he mentioned her monthlies. She had never spoken of such a thing with a man.

"You will no longer have any part of Jeb inside of you." His face was dark and his tone was thick as he said it. "You can choose. Your choice is what matters, what you want."

Anna's chin rose, her head thrown back. "I wish I could choose that, Jake. I would choose to be free of him." Her hand was off of her stomach and back in his, her fingers twined around his his. "I know I serve God, and I know goodness and love are in his service. I do not think Jeb is part of those things. It has come to me to doubt him. I do not doubt God, but I doubt that Jeb is my path to God. Do you know what I mean?"

Jake pursed his lips and nodded. He wanted her to go on.

"Perhaps it is not for a woman to speak of such things," she shyly broke off.

Jake touched her shoulder. "Anna. Anna, you have to go on. Your thoughts matter. Your voice matters. Please tell me what you're thinking. What is is that you want, if not all of this?" he gestured down to the valley, where her sister wives and husband slept, all awaiting her to work and slave and tend to them in just a few short hours.

"I want to make a different choice, Jake, before it's too late," she said her voice unsteady. "I want to leave this life. I am so unhappy here. I do not believe God is served by my unhappiness."

She looked at Jake squarely. Her mind was made up.

"Would you take me with you? Can you?"

He smiled slowly, then grinned from ear to ear. He bent his head down and kissed her mouth, their tongues just barely touching as he caressed her lips wetly with his.

"Anna, of course. We'll leave right now. It's too cold here."

***

For hours they were on the motorcycle, headed toward city lights.

By dawn, they had found a hotel in the first sizable town they could reach, and were soon asleep in the large bed, snuggling tentatively. Jake's hands were now familiar with the full shape of Anna's body, his hands confidently reaching around to her beautiful rear, which he reverently squeezed. Although excited and passionate, their exhaustion was too profound and they were quickly asleep in each other's arms.

On waking they found a Walmart and Jake bought Anna some gear more appropriate for the long ride ahead of them: a pair of tight black jeans and a warm shirt, and some tall boots, perfect for riding on the motorcycle safely.

Attired in the form-fitting new clothes, her swollen breasts stood out more and her figure looked unspeakably sexy. Her lovely large eyes looked out from dark lashes, the full lips pouting and flushed. Her hair fell in braided pigtails from beneath the helmet Jake bought her.

She looked like a perfectly fuckable rebellious teen, and Jake's breath caught seeing her in this new sexy guise. But he knew she was not a sexy teen testing social boundaries. She was something more like a feral animal who had been injured and needed care: an abused and impregnated fleeing wife, scared and sad to be running away from the only life she had ever known on the compound.

They walk out to the bike and he kissed her gently, holding his arms around her. She looked trustingly into his eyes.

"It's going to be okay, Anna. You won't miss the sister wives. You're no longer a sister wife. You're just Anna, a beautiful girl. A woman who owns her own life." She nodded gravely and got back on behind him. They rode.

***

In three days, they had arrived in the dense urbanity of southern California. Jake took her not to his own apartment in downtown LA, but to his parents' house in Topanga Canyon. Jake's father was a successful actor, and his mother was a famous architect. Jake didn't have to work, but enjoyed his hobbies and traveling. He was often out at his parents' house, working on his carpentry and gardening.

Jake's mother was an elegant and kindly artistic woman. She hugged Anna fiercely when the young girl arrived, shaken and dusty from the long journey away from everything she had ever known. Anna had been sick on the road, and appeared pale and peaked now, even as she gazed around the glamorous home and kindly older woman whose arms were outstretched in welcome.

"I'm Mrs. Reedy," she introduced herself to Anna, showing Anna to a beautiful guest bedroom with a view of the mountains. "You can call me Kit. You can stay here, Anna, as long as you want. We're your family now," she said.

Anna tried to smile at Jake and his Mom, but she was unsteady, faltering with exhaustion. She rubbed her hands around her arms as if she was cold, her hands accidentally brushing her swollen and sensitive breasts. She felt scared, confused. Was she safe amongst these gentiles? Was she truly damned for leaving her husband and only home? What would the church elders do when they knew she had escaped, or been abducted? What if they came to kill Jake?

She couldn't tolerate the acuteness of her worries and fear. Her tight clothes felt confining, and she was nauseated and afraid. Kit laid her down on the bed and told her to rest, drawing a blanket over her gently. "You'll feel better in the morning, dear," she said.

Thus began the start of a new life for the scared young girl.