Dying Heartache

Some days just suck the life out of you. I had just come from seeing the consultant and she definitely didn't make my day. I faced an hour and a half journey home so I paid a visit to the toilet in the hospital before I left. I looked in the mirror as I washed my hands. I almost didn't recognise the person staring back as me. I saw a deflated, sad, almost ashamed man who looked a lot older than he had a few hours ago.

As I stared at the new me, my mind went through what the consultant said and how my life would change. I'd need to explain that to my wife. As I thought that my life with my wife came into focus. You may ask why was she not here to support me. Well, I knew there were questions I needed to ask, have the truth uttered not evaded.

I made my way home. I didn't think of heading back to work for the afternoon. I wouldn't have been able to focus. To be honest, I probably should not have been driving as my mind kept veering to what the consultant had said.

I'm Charlie Taylor, just about to turn twenty-eight. I'm not an adonis but reasonably put together. I work for a consultancy working on designing systems for clients to enable them to grow or consolidate. Some large firms use us but I prefer the little ones where they appreciate all you can do for them far more. Their enthusiasm is infectious.

My wife Amanda is a year younger. She's a secretary/personal assistant. My friends thought she was mad when we hooked up. She can be stunning if she tries but is mostly just beautiful. Her body is what teenage wet dreams are based on. We have been together for five years married for three and a bit. Until recently I'd have said we were very happy together.

Once I was home, I sat with a coffee trying to absorb what the consultant had said. I'd been having the severe abdominal/stomach pain for around five months. Amanda kept telling me I was a hypochondriac as she dismissed my pain. Nothing I did ever stopped the pain and it became more frequent and severe. Eventually I saw my GP, had initial tests which meant he urgently flagged me to the hospital. After more scans, tests and about being drained off all my blood, the consultant had given me a diagnosis. She made sure I understood I had to make decisions very quickly for treatment, none of which were good.

I couldn't focus beyond her words so I went to do something, as I often find focussing on another task helps me resolve issues for some reason. I emptied the laundry basket. In front of my eyes was the second big surprise of the day.

Amongst the laundry were a number of the sexier lingerie items Amanda wore when she wished to tease me. However, for the last couple of months, we had been chilly towards each other. Six months ago the previous manager retired early and an arsehole, Malcolm Bentley took over. Over time she began spending much of her evenings and even some days at the weekend with him. I wasn't happy especially when I saw them together at the firm's christmas dance. I had words with him in the toilet about where his hands had been as they were dancing. He just sneered. If others hadn't been present, he'd have been mincemeat. I made sure he understood the consequences but I was to unimportant to him to worry about me.

The amount of time she spent with him had me asking her questions but she always replied, "He's trying to turn the firm around. We're only working, not what you're suggesting." I mentioned how her skirts and blouses were shorter and tighter, somehow something she never did for me anymore. Her reply shocked me, "You're just an insecure little man."

I walked away from her as I could have strangled her. The term, "little man" had been used against me several times in recent weeks by my manager, Cedric Thompson. Until then we'd had a good relationship. I found out he's a friend of Bentley by chance as a friend saw them out on the prowl together.

Now the "Honey we have to talk," talk had two really important threads. Which was the more important one?

I put the washing on minus the sexy lingerie. She can wash her own.

When Amanda came in she was surprised to see me. To be honest I was surprised to see her this early as it was a Tuesday. I expected her to be with Bentley. I looked at her, "We need to talk about a couple of things. I assume as you're here so early you ran out of the sexy lingerie to wear for him."

She looked daggers at me, "What the fuck do you mean?"

I replied calmly, "I've been home for a while so I thought I'd do the laundry. You haven't worn that lingerie for me and you spend all your time with him. It's not rocket science to see what you're up to."

She looked at me, her eyes showing her resolve, "Charlie, I haven't fucked him yet. I want to and I've agreed to go away with him this weekend. It won't hurt us."

I looked at her, "Well, in your mind but not in mine. You've swallowed Bentley's lines about me being a little man and I'll allow you to walk over me. I'm not. I tried to do my best to make you happy but you've become so selfish you treat me with utter disdain.

"When we became serious we both agreed adultery ended a marriage. Your mum lost your dad as she wanted someone else. She's not happy on her own. The other one only wanted her cunt.

"I won't be a party to you fucking around on me. I'll start the divorce forms. I'll name him. I assume he's married so his wife may not like him playing away."

I walked away.

Amanda followed and said, "This can work for us. We don't need to divorce."

I laughed, "I'm not a sharing kind of guy."

She said dismissively, "You said you wanted to talk about a couple of things. What else has got your panties in a twist?"

I looked at her, "Utter contempt. I was going to tell you something very important but for you it would be meaningless. No point is there!"

I made my own dinner and began to research divorce options. I'd need evidence so I looked at agencies for that.

She came through and started, "Charlie, you look so sad, what is wrong? We can discuss this so I can show you we can be happy again. It won't be often with Bentley."

I looked at her, "Amanda, you're lying. We were talking about children before he started. Whose would they be? I'd insist on DNA tests and if his, he could bring them up. I will never be a cuckold. He's got Thompson pissing me off so he knows that Bentley has you until he wants a fresh cunt. Do you think I'd stay there without killing him or Bentley or both?

"In all my relationships I have treated people properly, shown respect, courtesy so I'm not up for going out for a bit on the side when you're fucking him or having a so-called open marriage which just means you hate the other but can't be bothered going through a divorce. I certainly wouldn't touch you until you had a STD clinic clean sheet. The more I think about your sleazy affair, I know I can't remain married to a whore, because that is all you'll be. Bentley today but I bet he plans on you closing deals for him by opening your legs to all and sundry. Thompson's probably got his name down on the list.

"I'm sure your parents will be so proud of you."

She looked at me, steam was rising from her ears. I was surprised how calm I felt. Well, I've never had a day like today.

I turned back to my research. At bedtime I moved to the spare bedroom. We hadn't danced sexually for months since I accused her of fucking Bentley so I wouldn't miss anything.

In the morning her only words were, "I don't like what you called me. We can work this out so we all benefit."

I smiled, "The only benefit will be I'll be free from someone who has gone from loving to shrew, faithful to whore. My life can only improve."

At work I got on with the things which were important to me not to Thompson.

Each evening, Amanda tried to speak about the benefits of her having an affair. I shut her down, "Don't use Bentley's words. He thinks I'm a little man, so I'll be a willing cuckold. He's wrong. He should have taken my warning to heart. Now I'll do what I need to do. Fuck him and divorce is the only option.

"If you don't want a divorce then you need to do two things. Resign with immediate effect stating the reason is that he's trying to force you into a sexual relationship. Then take a lie detector test. If it proves you haven't fucked him, we'll try counselling but you have broken my vision of this marriage apart. I don't know if it can ever be put back together. No trust, no respect; difficult to come back from that."

I cleared a couple of small businesses designs by Friday morning which Thompson didn't like as he wanted me to work on a multinational company's behalf. He was gleefully telling me off in front of the other staff when he veered way over the line. He told everyone present, "He can't satisfy his wife so she's going to be fucking her boss."

I looked at him, glad in a way. One of the really big bosses was present and his face showed he was not amused. The others present looked at me, shock, sadness in their eyes. I looked at Thompson, "You ego is only matched by your incompetence. If they audit your work they'll see that we have to correct your mistakes all the time.

"You can tell Bentley, take your name of his list for fucking Amanda. I'm not a cuckold and it would be safer for him and you to leave the country. His name and any others will be on the divorce papers."

I walked out and headed to HR. I spoke with Cheryl who I've known since I started six years ago. I had to sit down as the pain from my stomach picked that time to really stab me. If only I could find a voodoo doll which would transfer it to Bentley and Thompson I'd be happy to be in pain all the time.

Cheryle asked, "Charlie, what's wrong? That's no ordinary pain. You look so grey."

I told her the two stories. I'd need to leave as I couldn't trust myself around Thompson especially after today.

Cheryl said, "You don't leave. You have to decide on the treatment, for or against. Your GP will sign you off as you won't be able to work. This means you'll keep your benefits package, death benefits and all. From what you've said about Amanda you won't want it to go to her so pick someone or a charity you wish it to go to.

"If the unthinkable happens and you're cleared, you have sixty-three days leave accrued as Thompson didn't allow you to take leave last year. You can resign so you never work here again but take all the benefits you're due."

I spent half an hour redoing all the forms to Cheryl's satisfaction. I'd need a new bank account but I could tell her the details. If Amanda never went with Bentley she'd shred the new forms.

I left the office and went home. Amanda came home around three pm. She was surprised to see me but I ignored her. She'd have to speak. She knew my feelings. If I counted at all, she'd be apologetic and remorseful. Unsurprisingly, she went to her bedroom and packed for the weekend. She came out, "I'll be home on Sunday around five pm. You'll see you can live with this okay."

I smiled sadly, "I won't be here. I've arranged accommodation while our divorce is finalised. You can text me if you can take on the mortgage and buy me out. Thompson knew and told everyone in the meeting this morning so Bentley is showing you no respect at all. No discretion. He's already parading you around to boost his ego though he only sees you as a whore for his use. Better look in the mirror before you go and compare that to Sunday when you come back, alone, whored out. See if Amanda is still there?"

Her eyes showed how furious she was I'd pointed out the obvious as she stormed out.

I packed my bags and other things I required. The next day I took them to Cheryl's. I'd have the annexe over the garage which had been the last home for her grandmother. I had two trips. I left stuff I seldom needed or were what Amanda wished me to wear.

Cheryl and her husband Ian welcomed me. I told them about Amanda's delusion that we'd have a happier marriage.

Cheryl was clear, "Charlie, you'll need to start preparing for your life without her. You have the decision to make on your treatment. You've made the changes at work but you'll have to redo your will and funeral arrangements if the consultant is right."

I said, "I have an agency following them and hopefully they will have the evidence to prove adultery. I've prepared the forms and while it makes no difference to the settlement, I want them named and shamed. I've an appointment on Tuesday with my solicitor to redo my will. There is one policy I can't change her benefitting from as it's joint with the proceeds to the survivor. My share of the house will go to someone else not her.

"I'm meeting a mate Peter Barnes tomorrow. He's my executor and I'll make him aware. I have made a decision on treatment. A potential three to six months extra but very poor quality of life is not for me. I will look at the palliative care option. I only hope I live long enough to see them burn."

Ian said, "The annexe is yours. We won't pry on the stream of women making your last months' pleasant. If you need any assistance then no ego stops you calling. We've experienced this before so don't be shy."

I was invited for my dinner and we spent a pleasant evening. Cheryl made me laugh when she told what had happened when I left the office. Cheryl said quietly, "John Menzies did not like what Thompson said to you in front of the others. When you had left the room, he spoke firmly and in a manner which caused Thompson to go very pale. Basically he laid out his objections to what had just happened. He was clear any manager who denigrated a member of staff like that will face disciplinary proceedings. Any one there who thought such cruel, vindictive action could advance any career were not of managing calibre. He took from your comment that Thompson knew the person who was breaking up a member of staff's marriage. Thompson's face had revealed he indeed wished to be involved intimately with her, which he pointed out was against company policy.

"He'd been more impressed with your level headed response, dignity and will look seriously at Thompson's record.

"After that he came to HR and spoke with my two senior managers. He lodged a formal complaint against Thompson. They said to me later, "Thompson's toast." While he was there they came to me as they saw you with me. They asked if you'd resigned which given what had happened was reasonable to think. I told them you had a very serious medical problem and may not be back. I'm sorry I know you don't want it publicised but they won't speak about it. Menzies was shocked and even angrier at Thompson."

I nodded, "It will come out as apart from you I haven't told anyone. It was the second thing I was going to speak to Amanda about but her, "I'm going off to fuck Bentley" meant I didn't see the point. She thought I was being a hypochondriac and never took any interest in why I was seeing the doctor. She'll find out after I'm dead."

The rest of the evening we talked about stuff we shared interests in. Cheryl and I almost persuaded Ian about the benefits of rollercoasters. He feigned that his travel sickness would not be good for those in the cars following.

I left and returned to the annexe. I sat for a while noting all the stuff I needed to do.

The next day I met Peter for lunch. I explained what was happening to me. He understood my decision on treatment. As for Amanda he wanted her tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail. He wondered, like I had, can the divorce go ahead if I'm dead? We discussed several other options. He agreed to continue as my executor.

It was just before 5pm when Amanda called. I answered, "Well, did you have a fucking good time? Was it worth throwing our marriage away?"

Amanda spoke firmly, her annoyance clear, "Charlie, why are you not here? We need to discuss this. It will only be once or twice a month I'll spend time away with him."

I laughed, "Did you use condoms or was it bareback? If so, you'd be better being tested now before the diseases take hold. I told you, fuck him and we divorce. I've moved out so unless you can deny you fucked him, produce a clear lie detector test which proves that and a clear STD report, don't bother me again."

I closed the call. Amanda called and called but I never responded to any.

It was eight pm when my parents called. My mum loved Ananda. She'd never been happy I was a boy. When I was young, she made sure I had long hair which she liked to plait. Dad had suggested I have my hair cut many times. She had photos of me in dresses until I rebelled. I'm sure our relationship hasn't been the same since.

Mum spoke angrily, "Why have you left Amanda, she's distraught?"

I answered calmly, "She's been fucking her boss and I disapprove. She thought I'd be a spineless wimp and let her screw me over. I won't. She made her choice. I told her my response."

Mum went, "It's just sex, it's meaningless."

I interrupted as I was mad, "It's not just the sex which is definitely not meaningless. It's been the change in her as to how she treats me. She totally demeans me and shows utter contempt for me. I no longer matter to her. I won't live with her as she shows no love for me at all. Would you allow dad to fuck around?"

Mum said, "Don't swear. Get back home and patch things up."

I stated very firmly, "I've always been a disappointment to you since they told you that I wasn't a girl. If you back Amanda, then you'll have your wish. With my brother and Amanda you'll have what you want. You won't have me. Don't contact me again unless you're on my side in this."

I closed the call.

On the Monday, I received a call from the agency. They had managed to get pictures and videos of them being intimate. They were processing them and making a detailed report. It would be with me very soon. They advised to read the report and not view the other contents, leave that for the court if necessary.

I signed the divorce form I'd prepared and went to the Sheriff Court. The clerk said, it would take six months to be listed. Between a year at least or two if she contested it before it would be granted. Yes the cause as adultery would be in court records but unlikely anyone would bother beyond that.

I told her I was terminally ill and didn't have that time left, I just wanted rid of the whore. She said while she appreciated that, the rules did not allow it to be fast-tracked. I left without handing them in. There was no point in wasting the money.

Over the next ten weeks I tried to get on with my life. Peter, Cheryl and other friends made sure I spent time out and about doing stuff I liked. Throughout the pain was building until I had to have a morphine pump attached to me. It made me see things which weren't there so I stopped driving.

Cheryl told me that Thompson had been dismissed. Two grounds, his behaviour towards me and their audit had discovered numerous discrepancies and errors. I did receive a letter from the company, hand delivered by Cheryl to that effect. As requested I called Menzies. He apologised and asked about me. I told him I was reaching towards the end. He said, "I cannot comprehend how all this has affected you. I had your work assessed and had you overcome this, on your return you'd have been promoted. I've seldom seen such work which dovetails so well with the clients' needs and wishes. Several of the firms you've advised have asked for you again. When we said you were on sick leave they asked you be told they hope for the best."

Once off the phone I noted Menzies never once asked about Amanda.

After the ten weeks I began to fail quickly. I was unable to eat much and the medical advice was to enter the hospice. I sorted my stuff with Cheryl and Ian. They would dispose of my clothes to a charity shop or the homeless shelter if they had life left. I'd give my computer to Peter as his is ancient. I'd only need my tablet to follow my football team and keep in touch by video call.