by JeremyWasHere
I want to hear something like 'The Funeral done by princebreed from you Jeremy.
Good grief… edit out the breathing. It is so awful that it sounds like you are sucking snot. I could not finish the story, envisioning a handicapped mouth breather. Second, change the tense… maybe, third person past tense. You are telling her what happened. She already knows. Tell us, not her. Story concept is okay, but lags and drags. Get to it.