Emily

She paused to collect her thoughts. "I was talking to Joe about going up to stay for a bit, get some walking in. I'm really sorry. I'll call you in a couple of weeks when things are clearer.

She didn't call of course. It was two months later that I next heard anything of Emily.

I did talk to Abby though, after the first month. I told her everything, even about the drunken hook-up, just before I flew out to Seoul for a couple of week's consultancy. She was sympathetic but just advised me to let her be, let her come around in her own time.

One Friday she called to invite me for lunch the following day. "We're having some friends over and wondered if you'd like to join us. Emily's godparents are coming, and Joe and his new girlfriend are down from the Lake District to stay with us for a few days."

Baby Emily's godmother, Sara, was clearly having a marvellous pregnancy. Now in her seventh month, not quite at the waddling stage, she looked radiant and was clearly very much in love with her husband Tom.

One look at Joe and Becky and I could see a serious relationship emerging there too, despite the apparent age gap. They had eyes only for each other, and had already graduated to the stage, almost supernatural to an outsider, of completing each other's sentences. I smiled to myself as I thought about talking to Em about them, and suddenly felt very lonely as I remembered how briefly she had re-entered my life and disappeared again.

After feeding little Emily, Abby handed her to Sara who went upstairs to settle her goddaughter for a sleep. When she returned, the grown-ups sat down around the big farmhouse kitchen table ready to eat lunch. Abby brought out the cold salmon and asparagus starter and caught my eye meaningfully. "Joe?" she asked, "We haven't seen Emily around. Is she OK?"

"Well, no, not really. She's at Mum and Dad's."

He paused, possibly considering how much to divulge. "Thing is, I think that bastard Paul wormed his way back in to her knickers. She's pregnant, about two months along. Dad was on at her to have a termination, but she wouldn't hear of it. She won't talk about how it happened either. Just mopes around crying, and saying she's ruined everything. Mum's really worried about her."

Abby and I stared at each other in stunned silence as we both worked out just who the father really was. I looked down at the forkful of food poised midway to my mouth and slowly placed it back on my plate. I glanced back up at Abby. 'Go!' she silently mouthed.

I stood, the scrape of the heavy oak chair on the quarry tile floor breaking the sudden silence. "Err, I'm sorry to spoil our lunch but I think I have to be somewhere... else."

Joe looked confused. "Are you alright Mark? What's happening? Where are you going?"

His girlfriend Becky took one look at Abby, then me, and whispered in his ear.

Emily's big brother looked at me. "It's yours? The baby's yours?"

"Yes. I'm sure it is. I'm so sorry."

He grinned. "Hell! I'm not! After twelve years it might knock some sense into the two of you! I'm just glad it's not Paul's. At the very least I know you'll do right by her."

Abby returned from the kitchen with a plastic sandwich box "Food for the journey. Promise me you'll drive carefully; and take a break somewhere!"

She hugged me briefly and whispered in my ear as my friend Richard also stood, to shake my hand and wish me good luck.

As I pulled away from their huge farmhouse, I saw Abby and Richard waving me off from the porch before returning to their guests.

The M40 northbound was fairly clear, but volume of traffic, an accident and roadworks on the M42 and M5 south and west of Birmingham had me moving at a crawl for what, to my impatient mind, seemed like hours. However, once past Stafford on the M6 the traffic slowly cleared, and soon I was well north of the Midlands. By the time I passed the Preston exit the motorway was fairly deserted, but I resisted the temptation to exceed the speed limit by more than a few miles an hour. Despite the time I had lost, I remembered Abby's request and stopped at Lancaster services for fuel, and to eat the sandwich she'd made me.

The length of the journey did, however, give me plenty of time to think. I had set out from Abby's in shock at Joe's news, but fairly convinced that Emily would welcome me with open arms - was just waiting for me to arrive and rescue her despite her independent spirit. But this view really assumed that she was too embarrassed or guilt-ridden to have made the first move to reach out to me. My confidence waned as I realised that it was quite possible that she had deliberately excluded me from getting involved and might not welcome my arrival at all. At my lowest mood, I did briefly consider just turning around and going home. However, over my coffee at Lancaster I remembered the support and encouragement of both Joe and my sister. At the very least, I resolved to offer to participate as far as our child was concerned: hopefully that might, in time, lead to a closeness growing between us anyway. For that at least, it was worth carrying on.

Even though the motorway was now clear, the delays further south meant that it was quite late when I eventually pulled up outside Sue and Malcolm's home in Carlisle. Fortunately, there were still some lights on in the lounge, so I tapped softly on the front door.

After a few moments, the door cracked open and Sue, Emily's mum, peered around it. I had a sudden pang at the sight of the red hair she shared with her daughter. "Yes, can I help you?"

"Sue. It's me, Mark. Is Emily here?"

"Mark! I didn't recognise you. How lovely to see you again! Yes, she's here, but she's in bed. She's, err, not very well."

"Can you tell her I'm here?"

"Well, yes! I suppose so, if she's awake. Come in for a moment. Even if she's asleep you can have a cup of tea before you carry on."

She unhooked the security chain from the door and let me into the hall.

A beautiful fox red labrador, asleep in a dog basket under the stairs, opened one eye to check me over and went back to sleep.

"Lovely dog."

"Yes, that's Meg. She's Joe's dog. We're looking after her for him, while he's down in Abingdon."

"Yes, I saw Joe earlier. I was at Abby and Richard's for lunch."

She walked to the foot of the stairs and then paused, turning her head back to me with a puzzled expression as my comment registered.

"You've driven from Abingdon? I thought you were just passing by." She looked thoughtful. "Joe called her -- that was around lunchtime! And she's been on tenterhooks ever since. Was the call about you?"

"Probably." I answered.

She thought for a moment, the corners of her mouth showing a trace of a smile.

"You know she's expecting, don't you?"

I nodded, smiling.

Her eyes went wide. "It's yours, isn't it? That's why you're here. She wouldn't say anything, so we assumed it was Paul's."

"Fairly sure it's mine, yes."

She walked towards me and, holding both my hands, looked me in the eyes for a long time. Then she nodded.

"Yes, I can see you still love her -- even after all these years -- you wouldn't be so happy about the child otherwise." She looked down for a moment then became serious.

"Listen! I know the baby needs a father, but don't do anything stupid like marrying her just because of the baby, not unless you're sure she loves you too! I'd rather my grandchild be loved by two parents who are good friends than resented by parents who hate each other and are trapped in a loveless marriage." She hugged me, then grinned.

"Mind you, I always told her you were the one, but she wouldn't listen back then."

I watched her reminisce. "I remember you studying for your A-levels together here in the lounge, before your parents moved to Oxfordshire. The two of you were inseparable. Even when you were both up at Durham, you still spent your summer holidays together, either here or at your parents'." She sighed then squeezed my hands. "I'll go and see if she's awake."

"It's alright mum, I'm awake! I've been waiting for him."

I looked up to see Emily sitting halfway up the stairs. An oversize green plaid dressing gown - once mine but which I had thought lost years ago - was pulled tightly around her, her arms wrapped around her knees. She looked anxious, very pale, and a little gaunt.

Sue gave me a quick hug and kissed my cheek before heading towards the kitchen. "I'll make you both a cup of tea and leave you to talk."

Emily came down the stairs to me. "Hello Em. You look a little fragile, my lovely girl." I said kindly.

She gave me a rueful smile. "You haven't called me that since sixth form."

"I didn't think it was appropriate," I said, gently. "I mean, you've always been lovely, but I didn't think it was right to call you mine."

Her eyes filled with tears. "Oh Mark!"

Gathering her thoughts, she continued. "Morning sickness, it's quite bad at the moment."

"I'm so sorry. I should have thought about precautions."

"It's not your fault really. I didn't intend to get pregnant, and I was on the pill; I should have remembered that antibiotics might stop it working."

"I guess it's a good job I didn't let you go off and find a random stranger then."

"Nah! I wouldn't really have done that. Not anymore, and certainly not to you! I stopped the one-night stands after Abby's twenty-first party in Durham, when I found out how you felt." She paused. "It was partly that I was feeling angry, but deep down I guess something in me wanted to force your hand once and for all. I was drunk enough not to consider the consequences in terms of our friendship, though. I didn't really give you much of a chance to say no, did I?"

"Anyway," she continued, "I've never let anyone else do it without a condom. Even Paul used them, although that was his choice not mine."

Emily took a breath and choked back her tears. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about the baby straight away though. Joe really tore me off a strip for that when he phoned. He said that whatever I was feeling; as the father you deserved to know. Then Abby and Richard chimed in and told me I needed to stop running away from my feelings. It was quite a chastening call!"

"Abby!" I exclaimed. "I need to let her know I'm safe."

"Already done," she said, "I texted her when I heard you talking to mum. She sends her love, to both of us actually, and says; can you call her in the morning?"

She looked at me. "Mum's right you know. It's always been you. At first it was a bit of a joke, like she was trying to tease me, or let me know you were a good guy, set us up, but when it hit me -- how I really felt about you -- it terrified me." She wrapped her arms around herself. "We were so young, and I was so afraid of fucking up our friendship and losing everything for good if you didn't feel the same. I've been running from the way I feel ever since. The fantasy became too comfortable, like a cocoon around my real feelings; I became too scared of breaking it to find out if it could be reified, I suppose."

I pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head as she wrapped her arms tightly around my chest under my coat. I felt her start to sob.

"Don't cry Em. It'll all be fine."

She pulled her head back to look at me. "I've been really thinking things through, while I've been up here. All those one-night stands at Uni -- I know now I was looking for something, someone, to replace you -- because I didn't think I could ever have you, not like that, and I didn't want to risk losing you as a friend by trying. I'd never even considered that you might have had real feelings for me too, and you might have been so hurt by what I was doing."

"You know that for every one night stand you had, the worst part was being afraid that 'he' was going to be the one who won your heart, destroying my dreams for good!"

She looked appalled for a moment, then choked back a sob and continued. "Actually, the real reason they never got past a one-night stand was because they weren't you. No-one ever really had a chance compared to you. Even Paul was a mistake -- I really thought you were gone for good by then. But if I'm honest, I was just settling. I think he probably sensed that - It's no wonder he wouldn't commit fully."

I kissed her forehead.

"But then I used you too! How can you ever forgive that?"

"Em. I've loved you since sixth form. OK it was more of a crush at first, but it never went away. It just grew."

I took a deep breath, knowing the time for prevarication was long gone. "I thought I'd buried the feelings after all this time, but I could hardly breathe when you spoke to me at the Christening; all the feelings came rushing back, even after seven years. I know that night after the Bull's Head, well, it wasn't anything like I'd dreamed about -- but it happened, and, actually, I'm glad, even that you're pregnant. It's forced us to be honest about this stuff."

I hugged her back into my chest. "If I thought that what happened that night was all you thought of me, I wouldn't be here now. But I love you, and now I know you love me too."

Her chin trembled as she looked up at me. "I do love you too. I don't think I deserve you, but I do love you - always have really!"

I rubbed the collar of 'her' dressing gown between my finger and thumb and grinned at her. "I wondered where this had gone, I thought mum had thrown it out."

"Sorry! I sort of borrowed it one time, when I stayed at your parents - forgot to give it back. I've been wearing it a lot over the last couple of months. It made me feel close to you."

She looked wistful then placed my hand over her abdomen and held it there. "This might have been our second, maybe even our third, if I hadn't been such a coward. I wanted to talk to you about us after finals; after I found out from Richard you felt the same, but you were so proud of getting that job offer in Germany before you'd even had your results, and then travelling the world I just...." She trailed off. "And then you were gone!"

"We were both cowards, but there's time."

"But is there?" she replied. "That's the other thing I've been thinking about. Dear Pip! Less than four years they had together. You never really know how long you've got."

A look of determination came over her. "I'm done with wasting time. I know exactly what I want now, and that's to be with you, if you'll have me?"

I looked at her, and slowly lowered my face to meet hers. She closed her eyes as our lips met for the first time.

It was only a gentle peck, the tenderest of kisses, but it still took my breath away.

"Wow!" Emily exclaimed. "I used to fantasise about us doing that, but if it had been as good as that when we were eighteen I think I'd have lost my mind. Can I have another one?"

Sue came back out of the kitchen with two mugs of tea just as we came up for air. "So," she said looking at us both with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "I expect Mark is staying then! Shall I make up the bed in Joe's old room for him?"

"No, that's fine mum," Em said, her face lighting up with an equally mischievous smile. "I think we'll manage - we don't want to put you out."

Sue grinned at us before climbing the stairs with our tea. "I'd better bring your father up to speed then, so he doesn't get the shotgun out in the morning."

I waited until Sue had gone upstairs. "When are you coming home Em?" I asked

"I would say 'tomorrow, with you!' but there are a few things I need to do up here first. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. They're keeping an eye on my ketones, worried about hyperemesis, although the stress of thinking I'd permanently blown it with you might have had a lot to do with that."

I hugged her again. "I can stay for a bit actually, if it's ok with Sue and Malcolm. I'll need to buy some clean clothes though, if you know somewhere that's open tomorrow."

"Is that all you have with you?"

"Yep. Wallet, mobile phone and the clothes I stand up in. I don't even have the charger for the phone."

"Joe said you'd rushed away, but I didn't realise you hadn't even gone home to pack a bag." She grinned. "Does that mean you haven't got anything to wear in bed? -- That sounds like fun!"

"There's the Em we know and love!" I laughed. "Can I come to the doctors with you on Tuesday though?" I asked. "I want to be part of all of this, and to be there for you - for both of you."

"I'd really like that. I guess we need to let them know you're the father, so they'll talk to you about the baby, and also ask them about transferring my care back to Abingdon. I'm only registered as a temporary resident up here - I'm still formally registered at Marcham Road, but they'll need to move my ante-natal and maternity care from Cumberland Infirmary to the John Radcliffe. The first scan is in three weeks, and I want it re-booked for Oxford. Then you can come with me to that too."

I tried to sound casual "I'd like to drop by the Register Office too, if that's OK?"

She looked at me quizzically before she caught my meaning. "That was a rubbish proposal! What happened to the romantic 'on bended knee' bit?" she giggled.

She looked serious again. "On the other hand, it's the only one I want, have ever wanted if I'm honest, so the answer's yes, as long as you're sure. As far as I'm concerned, I'm happy to be yours for the rest of our lives, married or not."

She stifled a yawn with the back of one hand, offering her other vaguely in my direction to take hold of. "Enough talk! Come on you! Bedtime! It's been an exhausting day and I need sleep. We can start making plans and decisions in the morning."

She gave me a bashful smile. "I'm really beat, but if you can wait a few days, until I'm hopefully feeling better, I'd like to start to make it up to you for our horrible drunken hook-up. One thing about me being pregnant you might just find interesting -- I'm constantly horny."

I heard a door open upstairs, then Sue's voice "Malcolm -- leave them alone and come back to bed!" before the door shut again.

Em laughed "It might have to wait until we're back home though."

Have you ever had something you have really wanted, dreamt about, for a very long time? Then when you finally get it, it's even better than you expected?