Enchantress 8 - It's About Time

- a continuing celebration of -

Fifty Years of Pratchett

© 2023 Duleigh Lawrence-Townshend. All rights reserved. The author asserts the right to be identified as the author of this story for all portions not previously copyrighted by Terry Pratchett. This story or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner without the express written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a review or commentary. If you see this story on any website other than Literotica.com, it has been copied without the author's permission.

This is a work of love, a fan fiction. Many of these characters are the creation of Sir Terry Pratchett, as is the multiverse in which they live. If you would like to find out which of these characters is or is not a creation of Terry, please contact this author. This tale was not written to steal the fame that Sir Terry rightfully earned, but to enjoy one more romp in the shadow of Cori Celesti and remind the world of what we lost on March 12, 2015.

"One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry."

- Terry Pratchett, 28 Nov 1992 on alt.fan.pratchett

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ENCHANTRESS 8

It's About Time

{With parenthetical annotations}

The Auditors of Reality are the eternal watchers of time and space. Appearing as empty gray cloaks to those that can see them, they have no sense of humanity and all that it entails whether it be humor or a sense of individualism, which they really despise. They are unseen by humans and Auditors always speak of the "we," never the "me" or the "I." Auditors always work in groups of at least three, so that each one can be watched by at least two others. Supposedly all Auditors are of the same opinions about everything, but they still need to watch each other because, frankly, the temptation to live is too great.

"There is one who does not recognize the infallibility of time," said an Auditor of Reality.

"YOU REFER TO MY DAUGHTER," said the anthropomorphic personification of Death. Death looked similar to the Auditors however his robes are not empty, skeletal hands emerged from the sleeves, and skeletal feet can be seen from under the edge of his shroud. Two brilliant points of blue light were far back in his hood and occasionally you could see his skull.

"You have a daughter?" asked an Auditor of Reality. "I did not think that was allowed."

"YOU SAID I."

"I did not! Wait! Oh blast..."

Pop!

and with that the Auditor of Reality winked out of existence. The remaining two Auditors of Reality waited for another one to Pop into their midst before continuing. "She cannot be your actual daughter."

"SHE IS NOT, BUT IT MAKES HER HAPPY WHEN I CALL HER THAT. YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO SEE HER WHEN SHE IS ANGRY."

"We speak not of Octavia, but of one or two others."

"ONE OR TWO?" asked Death innocently.

"I'm not quite sure." Then the Auditor saw his partners looking at him. "Oh shi..."

Pop!

After a pause a third auditor appeared, and the auditors huddled for a moment then turned to Death once again. Before they could speak, they were joined by another anthropomorphic personification of a concept which added to the Auditor's ire. "Please wait, we will address your concerns..."

"I wait for no man," came the distinctly feminine voice of the new character. "But that girl, I'll hang around a while for her," said the anthropomorphic personification of Time with a sexy smirk and a wink. Time is a tall and slender woman, a beautiful Agatean with dark almond shaped eyes and long black hair and wearing a silky red and black dress.

"Why would you 'hang around' for her?" asked an Auditor.

"You wouldn't understand," purred Time with feline grace. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

"Beauty is in the beholders eye?" asked the Auditor, but the other two turned toward him. "I did not say I, I said eye! Awww bloody hell..."

Pop!

The remaining Auditors realized that they lost control of this conversation and faded from Death's house, but they would be back to take this up with him again. Time patted Death on the chest as she walked past him. "They fall for it every time." She entered the Gallery of Time where tens of thousands of life timers waited. The background noise was a soft roar, the accumulated sound of grains of sand sliding through the hour glasses that filled shelves that were stacked up into the rafters. Another anthropomorphic personification waited for them, this one was Space, he was Time's twin brother. He was tall and slim with black hair and almond shaped brown eyes, and he wore black horn-rimmed glasses held together with tape.

Time melted into Space's arms, and they kissed long and passionately, their hands sliding gently down to each other's bum where squeezes were administered and appreciated. Death waited for them to finish their incestuous kiss, there's no way to separate them because Time and Space are inexorably linked. Finally, after their kiss ended and they crooned in each other's ear, they turned to a shelf that contained one life timer.

The sand didn't look like it was flowing in this one, it didn't move fast enough for a trickle, in fact you would have to be very patient to notice that the sand was even moving, occasionally a grain would leave the upper bulb and join the stream of seemingly motionless grains in that long drop to the tiny pile of sand grains at the bottom of the lower bulb. The owner of this life timer wasn't immortal, but no one could possibly live long enough to notice.

The wooden frame of the ornate hourglass which was the life timer had a golden tag mounted on the base of the lower bulb and the name was clearly printed in glowing letters:

Corina Aldana

The Enchantress

"She isn't actually beating me, and she's not cheating," said Time as she studied the life timer. "She's... controlling me..." Time licked her bright red lips and crooned, "It's so hot."

"I DO NOT THINK THE AUDITORS WERE SPEAKING OF HER."

"Her children?" asked Time. Death's hood nodded slightly. "The two that I touched?" she asked. When Death's hood nodded again, Time sighed. "I was afraid of that."

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It was a foggy day in Bonk Überwald {It's pronounced be-onk} but then it's almost always cloudy in Bonk. Bonk is seat of government of Überwald which is run by the powerful Lady Margolotta the titular head of all vampires, Lady Serafina von Überwald, head of all werewolves and Lady Lucricia von Überwald, the bridge between those branches of the von Überwald family. People scuttled back and forth from shop to shop but two shoppers looked out of place, merely because they tried so hard not to look out of place and their attempts to blend facelessly in with the crowd set them apart.

One of these shoppers took horse and carriage to Bonk and headed for the Bonk-Schmaltzberg Grand Terminal, a railroad terminal for the Ankh-Morpork & Sto Plains Hygienic Railroad. There the second shopper joined him and they dallied about trying to kill an hour, strolling the main courses and peering through shop windows, then they returned to the terminal and stepped onto a radical steam powered staircase. The staircase took them several hundred feet below ground to the dwarven city of Schmaltzberg, home of thousands of dwarven fat miners and deep downers that were searching for the fabled layer of Froonium.

Near the base of the powered staircase were two things of interest to the shoppers, one was Rkund Palace, home of Blodwen Rhysdottir, the Low Queen of the Dwarfs, they were interested in this place because they needed not to be seen by the people and guards of the dwarven ruling class. The other was a small and inauspicious-looking enterprise, Maxie Leadbelly's Joke and Magic Supply. They entered the small, cramped store trying to look as invisible as possible without disappearing and began to slowly browse their way to the back of the shop where the proprietor, Maxie, waited impatiently. "Ah, Jean and Vanni, my friends," said Maxie in a small voice that had the capacity to grow much louder. "How are you today?"

Signaling to keep the noise down, the shopper identified as Jean whispered. "Did you get it? Did it come in?"

"It's been here a week," said Maxie. Maxie was a dwarf, and he was nearly spherical. He had a bright orange beard, and his orange hair was cut in the sideways Mohawk known as a Ptsculsp to the young dwarves. "I don't like having this stuff, they track every gram, I have twice as much as legal for me to carry," and he produced a small envelope.

"How much?" asked Jean.

"Twenty-five, that's five dollars a gram, as cheap as you'll ever find it, and that's cuttin' me own throat."

"Will you take twenty?"

"Yes, just get it out of here." Maxie was getting nervous.

"Fifteen," said Jean.

"Never mind, I'll just burn it."

"Ok, here's your twenty."

"What about the other stuff?" asked the taller shopper, the one Maxie called Vanni.

"Octiron? I have all sorts, chains, ingot, sheet..."

"Powdered."

Maxie took a small apothecary bottle from the shelf and placed it in front of Vanni. "Ten... but for you I'll make it five, and that's cuttin' me own throat."

The two shoppers left Leadbelly's with their purchases and headed straight for the steam powered staircase. The long ride to the surface seemed to take forever, and the people on the downbound stairs seemed to be interested in looking at Jean and Vanni. Or was it nerves? Finally, they stepped off the stairs in the Grand Terminal and Vanni turned and headed straight for his train and Jean turned the opposite direction and headed for his carriage. They did it! They were able to obtain their poison without being recognized.

"Prime Minister?" called a voice in the crowd. It was Sebastian Dashwood, Archchancellor of the Unseen University. "Here for a little trainspotting Prime Minister?"

"I, er, just sightseeing archchancellor. You seem to be far from home yourself."

Archchancellor Dashwood merely has to step into his wife's library in Überwald and through the science of L-Space moments later he would step out onto the Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork a thousand miles away. "I don't mind the commute, the trip is worth the reward," said Sebastian as he hugged the glorious looking woman. Slim, shapely, with long silver hair, and bright red lips that matched her eyes. "Have you met the missus? This is my wife Lucricia von Überwald. Honey, this is Jean-Baptiste Favreau, our good friend King Verence's prime minister."

"Damnit," Jean muttered under his breath.

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Ivo Stein carefully inspected the small pair of pants that he had just finished scrubbing. He took pride in his work and was happy with his results. He is proud to say that since he took over laundry for the Kings College of Lancre, not a single sock has been lost. Occasionally The Beast poked its nose out from behind the laundry tubs, looking for a sock to eat, but Ivo had a heavy wooden spoon and with lightning-fast reflexes he would smack the sock eating beast between the eyes. Many societies laugh and joke over the thought of a sock eating beast, until they catch one. These beasts are crafty, and most people do not have the patience to catch a Beast whose diet keeps an entire portion of the garment industry in business.

Ivo is a short man, standing approximately five foot four inches tall. His once thick black hair is now silver but remains thick. Lines from concern and anger aged his once handsome face, and happily now his main concern is grass stains in the knees of the boy's dungarees. In his past Ivo was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He beat women, hit children, drank, gambled, whored, stole, and was on the run from the law... and a number of bookies.

After several years of hard work in the coal and salt mines he reformed himself and was placed in charge of the laundry for 24 children aged 3 to 10. He actually found joy in this work and was able to get this position because his son was the king. Quite often he found himself speaking with the headmistress of the King's College, Magrat Garlick. Maggy is in her seventies yet at the same time she's as spry as a forty-year-old. {Spry is an actual physical condition that often sets in after retirement, regardless of the age you retired at. It allows you to simulate the physical prowess of someone younger than you, only while other people are watching.}

"... I was broke, in debt to several bookies, and addicted to Skim when I discovered that Pommy was alive. So, I came to Creel Springs to try to get money from him." Seeing a spot on a white blouse, Ivo went after the stain with laundry soap and a scrub brush. Pommy is Ivo's son, his birth name was Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein, but when Octavia met him, he was stealing bricks for a living, so she gave him the nickname Nick. Nick the Brick Nicker. His friends still call him Nick, or Porter, another nickname he had, but to most people in the world he is known as His Royal Majesty King Verence III.

"Did you know that your Pommy was the Duke of Wægn at the time?" asked Maggy. Maggy is the widow of King Verence II of Lancre. She was co-regent of this beautiful little mountain kingdom until her husband the king was killed in an uprising of insurgents. Her sons were dead, and her daughter was driven insane by their murder, so the crown passed in a different way.

"No, I never gave a hoot about politics," said Ivo as he held the little shirt up to the light. "All I know is that I spent my last seven dollars taking the carriage from Hot Dang to Creel Springs. I asked in the pub if anyone knew Pommy Stein and they sent me next door. An hour after I asked a constable if he could help me find Pommy Stein, I was wearing handcuffs in a basement jail cell."

"Oh," said Maggy. She's never spoken to anyone that had been in jail. "What is skim?"

"It's insidious, it's a drug that makes everything wonderful for about twelve hours. All the pain is gone, colors are brighter, everything smells good, you feel light and joyful, but when it wears off all you want is that happy world again and you will do anything to get it. And like all evil drugs, once you're addicted it takes more and more to return you to that happy world."

"Oh," said Maggy. Lancre is an isolated kingdom, big city problems haven't reached Lancre yet, their biggest worry is a lack of level ground. Drug addiction was not something Magrat was familiar with, neither was illegal gambling. "What's a bookie?"

Ivo looked at the tall slender woman and smiled, "You don't know what a bookie is?" She shook her head no and Ivo sighed. "Magrat Garlick, you have been blessed and you are unaware of the fact." He began taking clothes out of the rinse water and running them through the wringer. As he explained betting on horse, tiger, and river races, Maggy started turning the crank for the clothes wringer. {River Races in Ankh-Morpork are track and field events held on the surface of the River Ankh. The River Ankh is so filled with waste and debris that actual foot races can be run on the surface of the river with little or no danger to the runners. In fact, running on the river is much safer than running on the streets, you could get mugged on the streets.}

As he was explaining the concept of the trifecta when betting on bare knuckle boxing, he and Maggie hung the clothes to dry. The heat from the ovens in the palace kitchen is channeled into Ivo's drying room where parallel clothes lines stood ready for the children's clothing. Once the clothes were all hung and were drying, Magrat said, "You sound like you led a fascinating life Mister Stein. Would you join me at dinner? I would love to hear more of your story."

"Aww. That might not be such a good idea," said Ivo. "The king thinks that oi am a bad influence and oi tend to agree with him."

"Oh, tosh! At my age I'm entitled to decide what influences I can have in my life, good, bad, or indifferent."

"If you are willing to take that chance, your majesty, I'm willing to give it a go," said Ivo as they walked toward the dining room.

In the dining room twenty-four children of the Kings College of Lancre sat ready to eat and Ivo joined Lady Ruzanna Wynn, the head nutritionist and helped her set out meals for the children.

"How's he doing Maggy?" asked a voice near the cafeteria door.

"Your father? He's doing marvelously!" gushed Magrat. "And look! The children love him. Why don't you ease up on him, all you give him is stern discipline."

"I know, I want to but I'm so terrified that he will back slide. I heard that Skim can be found in Lancre, and I intend to stamp it out."

"You know, a little encouragement can't hurt," said Maggy to the shadow at the door.

"I know, I know, but I have to keep in mind that I don't just have a kingdom to protect, I have a family."

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The weather in Lancre was beautiful, it had been warm and sunny, and preparations for the Royal Double Wedding were well underway. As the plans got more and more complex the date kept getting pushed back until Llywella said to her mother, "We once talked about having needs, remember? Do we have to go over that again?"

Octavia sighed. As Queen of Lancre She could face an entire invading army, that was easy, but a teenage daughter that is hearing the call of nature is something quite different. "Dear, we're waiting to hear back from your future sister-in-law's family, they want their Grandma Rebecca to come to the wedding..."

"I will have my sister the Princess Witch do us a quickie marriage ceremony and I will be enjoying my husband down in the dungeon where those miscreants can hear us while you're still getting Grandma Rebecca out of the carriage."

"Loo-Loo please..."

Llywella took her mother's hands in hers and said, "Mom... we were ready to go when I turned fifteen. But I was good, we held off. Now that I've turned eighteen, I'm still being good, and we can't wait much longer..."

"Loo-Loo, you just turned eighteen yesterday." Octavia gestured to Loo-Loo's sister and sister-in-law Hollie and Annette who were sitting in a corner. Both were older than Loo-Loo, and both were pregnant. "Your sister-in-law waited three days, your sister waited three weeks, I'm sure that you have the intestinal fortitude to wait four days."

"I am proud to say that I do not. If you need me, I'll be in my room tickling my fancy," said Loo-Loo.

"Loo-Loo, relax," said Octavia. Behind her Annette and Hollie started snickering.

"Knock twice, I'll be hittin' the kitten," said Llywella as she started up the hall.

"Stop that."

"Rubbin' the Nubbin."

"LOO-LOO!" but Octavia couldn't be heard over Annette's and Hollie's laughter.

"If you need me, I'll be giving myself a hand."

"Who taught her this stuff?" said Queen Octavia throwing her hands up in the air.