All Comments on 'Enough Commas for Lawrence'
by UnquietDreams
- 37 Comments
Lector774 months agoWell now,,,bueno, pues…
That was certainly….errr….ummm …
Spectacular!
Thank you, Sueñosinquietos. Thank you very much.
Demosthenes384bc4 months agoEclectic storyline masterfully presented! Poor Eric is in dire need of therapy, but with love there is hope. I would love to fuck the syndicate, but my bride of multiple decades would be disappointed...LOL! 4.8*
HarleyRider19554 months agoI wish I had a way with words you do. I could then express how much I enjoyed this story. I can only give you 5 stars, but, it deserves so much more.
Anonymous4 months agoWow!!! A truly amazing and well crafted story. Perfect ending. You touched on the essence of Valentine's Day without flaunting the true meaning. Sacrifice for a friend. Daunting love. Thank you. K
Drizdart4 months agoYou ... "Author's note: I did not plan to write this. I hate Valentine's Day. I think it is run by a syndicate of Hershey's, Hallmark, The De Beers group, and FTD, and that romance is an every day thing that Valentine's Day excuses."
The day may certainly have excess. It may be commercialized and an excuse for spending.
But Valentine's Day also served as a goad for a young man, burned by four relationships into almost 18 months of avoidance of dating, to speak to a young woman friend and college study partner. It provided the excuse to offer going to a movie to a young woman. And she said yes, accepting her second-ever date. We went to a chain restaurant for dinner and a film that was neither romantic or especially memorable.
And this year, I will once again strain to find a "romantic" gift or experience for our 48th Valentine's Day.
Thanks for the romance in this offering. 5 stars, along with a hope that your effort will do well in the contest.
kees104 months agoBis, bis, bis,
I completely agree to your footnote about valentine day.
But man what a superb tale you wrote.
10⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐!
Pity I can't give them in 'real time'
RandyPanda4 months agoThis story didn't seem centred around sex like 99% of stories here. It was short but good 👍 I liked it
Comentarista824 months agoExcept for a few times where compound adjectives in front of nouns went un-hyphenated, and a few misspellings.. I really believe this was very close to absolutely flawless!
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It's so interesting how you present Adalynn walking up to him at the bar and engaging him in conversation. While I can't know if you are well-versed in body language, your story makes it appear so: she repeats certain details that she likes; she uses the chopsticks in her hair that he earlier had taught her to use; and a few other things I can't recall. Needless to say, you nailed all of them--and they all matched the very expression or emotion Adalynn experienced. Even her banter with Eric was so flirtatious , and so obviously interested in him, that it would seriously take a guy completely naive and also devoid of eyes to notice that she was completely into him ! Probably the most perfect illustration was when she turned around with that 1,000-megawatt smile when she discovered he knew her name. The other thing: where you place that flashback was perfectly done, as it explained well why she would be carrying a torch for him - - because it came at an impressionable time in her life - - and he had more courage then the so-called eldest boy there. That would be incredibly difficult to forget. Well done!
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You present the major conflict as Bronwyn, which derails their meetings- -but it forces Eric to rethink his choices and his past- -which is exactly why he tells her about Bronwyn later.. but notice something? He still excludes slamming Bree, who fully deserved being exposed for how badly she poisoned the well. Eric was definitely the victim, and he was noble because he suffered greatly while Bronwyn was able to get out of an impossible prenup, and Thomas was able to marry his childhood sweetheart Kelly. It didn't really matter how much he owed Thomas- - although we don't know exactly how much --because it marred his reputation; many times, there's no coming back from that.
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This is most definitely one of the most unique pieces for Valentine's day: you picture their early banter; you depict all their teasing and games that stimulate the mind; you deepen their relationship, while demonstrating how it evolves; you present a super- thorny conflict that Eric later shares, because he wants her to know the full truth about it- - fully exposing himself - - and making himself completely vulnerable to being rejected. Adalynn knew something had to be wrong, which is why she said that she chose to make her own decisions. The wonderful thing is the story's circumstances redeem Eric, although a few might argue that Eric did not technically need redeeming, especially after knowing the huge irony of Thomas's note to him regarding Bronwyn.
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You excelled at crafting this account, and I have zero reservations about awarding you a hands-down 5!
Comentarista823 months agoWow! I would have hoped that your piece because of how well written it was, how entertaining it was, and especially how smooth of a read that it was would have meant it would have scored high enough to be in the top three. I think the only thing more shocking is that basically after my comment.. which is only 3 days after you obviously submitted the work, there were only seven more comments made. I've noticed this on several other stories that were very well executed, where after the initial kind of release of the story, things fizzled. Please don't be discouraged about that, as I found in the last 6 months that readers here on lit become more and more one-sided with each passing day, where it's kind of hit or miss anymore if they really try to find something that's well done like this piece. It is true that the three winning pieces I believe had upwards of 90 comments on them but that takes nothing away from how you presented a guy that suffered- - and was willing to suffer for a friend - - a tremendous injustice, and then had to live it down. I don't give a damn what kind of favor I would ever owe somebody, I would never willingly take a hit to my reputation just so that other person could have a better life when it totally screws me over. So this is an exceptionally noble and human peace, which actually has happened in a number of real life cases! But the guy took the mental beating- - and you really reflected the true psychology behind how it would affect a male in this instance-- to the point where he knew he did nothing wrong, and he took it on the chin for a friend, but he still felt like he didn't deserve his success. There would be a lot of writers here that would have a tough time in some cases accurately portraying a female suffering the same thing. So I want to encourage you not to give up, as I'll just be really blunt: you got hosed on the scoring, and you got hosed on the amount of votes and comments, because you put a very personal touch on this with Adalynn getting trapped in the tree, and then this guy saving her from that.. which led to that reconnecting with him, where he shows no he's not the bastard that everybody said he was. And then on top of that, he gets a happy ending- - which was entirely deserved after all the crappy things he suffered unjustly. So you're on great footing, and I truly look forward to reading more of your outputs in the future, as if they're even in the neighborhood of this one, I'm going to enjoy them immensely. Thank you so much for your effort, and thank you for this entry. It was a pleasure to read, and I really appreciated you stimulating my senses and tickling my brain. Well done.
UnquietDreams@UnquietDreams
