Enthralled

5th Day of Summer

Tomorrow is the first day of my courting feast. Mother made sure I was cleaned, scrubbed, and pruned so that I am as pretty as possible for my suitors. I have to wake up at the break of dawn to be dressed in my gown.

It was bad enough growing up knowing that I didn't get to choose who I would marry, and that it was going to be to a man I had never met, but now I have to be put on display like a prize to trade favors for!

There is a part of me that is guilty about Count Redell dying in the war. When I wrote that I hoped it would happen I wasn't serious! I was just frustrated that I was supposed to marry him even though I had never met him! But I must do my duty for the family, as mother likes to remind me. I understand my duty. I just wish I had more choice as to how I did it! I'm the daughter of a Duke, I should get some say in who I spend my life with.

I guess all I can hope for is that the man father picks for me is not a creepy old man or some horrible drunk. Perhaps I will get lucky and he will pick some lord's handsome son for me to marry, or a rich man who will be away all the time and leave me to myself!

6th Day of Summer

I feel like a horse being sold at an auction! They all came to look at me and decide what they'd be willing to pay my father to marry me! I'm so sick of comments like "Oh you have such pretty fair hair, our sons would be so fortunate to get that from you!" or "Hmm, you're shorter than I expected, but I suppose it can't be helped." Don't any of them care who I am? Not what I am or what I look like?

To be fair, most of them have been polite, but they talk to me like I'm still some little girl! I can't wait for this week to be over. I don't want to be paraded around in front of these men any longer than I have to be. Some of them aren't even here for me, they just wanted an excuse to go where so many other nobles would be.

The worst so far was Duke Meris, I hope whatever he offers my father isn't enough! I told father I did not want to marry him at all but the creep acts like we are already engaged. Rosie told me she overheard him talking to one of his men about the things he wanted to do to me on our wedding night, and that if I tried to fight him he'd tie me up and throw me in the kennel until I was good. I might just run away if father says I have to marry him!

And then there was Sir Hans Leffner. That dumb brute had the gall to come right up to me and ask to "grab my tits" because he wasn't sure they were big enough to feed his sons! Just because some whore in your favorite tavern lets you do it doesn't mean the daughter of a Duke will, too! I told mother about him and she just said "He'll grow out of it" and "We don't want to upset his family right now."

The sooner this week is over, the better.

7th Day of Summer

Today was a bit better than yesterday. Mother had us all go for a ride and have a picnic on a field overlooking the river. It's always been one of my favorite spots and riding meant I could wear a more comfortable outfit. It was a perfect day for it too! The sky was perfect blue with little wooly puffs here and there, and it was not so hot that my riding dress would be stifling. A soft breeze made it even more comfortable and let all of the multicolored pennants carried by the entourage flutter pleasantly around us.

Most of the noblemen spent the whole ride as a group with my father trying to show off their horses and expensive saddles. Some of them did come to me during the ride to talk with me though, most of them were kind enough. Sir Hans again showed what a dud he is by riding over and suggesting that he wanted to "take me for a ride." He probably thought I wouldn't know what he meant by it and I had to wait until he went off again to roll my eyes with the other women.

I enjoyed the picnic as well. We had fresh fruit cakes and soft cheese by the river with some country red wine. The wine didn't make the conversation less boring, but it did make it tolerable.

While the others were cleaning up after we were done eating I wandered away to watch the river. One of the men came over and asked if he could join me. I looked up at his face and my heart skipped a beat. He was the most handsome man I think I had ever seen! He had short cut black hair and just a little bit of stubble on his face like he had ridden days to see me and hadn't even stopped to shave! From what I could tell he is built like the best of my father's soldiers: a bit taller than average and muscular without being bulky.

His name is Sir Marcus Redloch and he wanted to apologize to me for not arriving until today. He then made a bit of a show of taking my hand and kissing the back of it. When he took my hand to kiss it I could feel the rough calluses on his hands as he caressed me just before bringing his lips to the back of my hand. Most of the men did kiss my hand like him but when he did it, I felt like there was more to his gesture. It felt like waves passed up my arm and to my head, like my hand was made of water and his kiss was a pebble dropped into it.

Since meeting him I cannot stop thinking about him. I know it is foolish to have a crush on a man like this, especially knowing that a man as low in station as him has no chance of marrying me. For the rest of the day I have caught myself daydreaming about him wrapping his muscular arms around me or looking deep into my eyes.

I have tried praying about it to see if God will grant me a reprieve from these lustful thoughts, but he has not seen fit to help. Perhaps I shall indulge the feelings tonight and play with myself so that it will be easier to get to sleep.

8th day of Summer

Today was frustrating!

I was hoping that if I indulged my lustful feelings prior to going to sleep that I would get some peace and wake up today with my girlish crush behind me. Instead, I think I made it worse! Once I finally got to sleep after a surprisingly intense end to my play I fell into a very vivid dream.

I dreamt that brute Hans was in my bedroom gloating that we were going to get married in the morning, and then Sir Marcus came into the room behind him and asked me if I wanted him. I said I did not and he shoved Hans out of the way and he disappeared. I thanked Sir Marcus and he pulled me into such a romantic embrace. It felt so real! I could feel his arms around me and smell that cologne he was wearing by the river! We got close and just as his lips touched mine for the first time I woke up! Ugh!

I had to play with myself again this morning before Annie came to wake me up to get ready. I think she knew what I had been doing but didn't say anything.

We all gathered at dawn and went to the abbey for service and he wasn't there! Sir Marcus was nowhere to be found all day. I feel guilty for wanting to see him again, it's such a silly crush, but still I wanted to see him again. I was so caught up thinking about him that I asked Rosie to find out more about him without letting it on that I was the one who was curious.

Perhaps it is a good thing that he wasn't there. If I don't see him again, I might stop thinking about him and it will make the idea of getting married to a different man that my father chooses more bearable.

9th Day of Summer

Today I got a reprieve from all my suitors but one.

The men all woke up before dawn and rode out to go hunting with father. This left mother and I to entertain the female guests that some of the men brought with them. It is almost more stressful dealing with them as the women spent most of the time interrogating me about myself as if looking for some clue that I am out to destroy the men they came with!

It did not help that I spent the day distracted by yet another strangely vivid and passionate dream about Sir Marcus. This time in the dream there was no competing suitor, instead I found myself in my nightgown opening my bedroom window. I saw him in the garden below me. He asked if I wanted him, and I said yes. Then he climbed up to the window with a rope and I pulled him in to my arms.

Like before, I can still remember feeling his embrace in the dream as if it had been real. He pulled me close to him, firmly wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and drew me into a kiss! It felt as if embers within me burst into a bonfire! As we kissed, we walked backwards towards my bed. He toppled us over onto it, but just as my back hit the sheets I woke up! Ugh! A dream so exciting and so real shouldn't end so suddenly.

I woke up feeling so...lustful. I think I would have gone mad had I not played with myself immediately, imagining the dream continuing, but imagining it was nothing compared to the dream itself!

The memory of the dream distracted me all day long. Fortunately Rosie, such a good handmaid and friend, brought me what I asked for. She told me Marcus was a knight who had gone off to fight at the very beginning of the war. All she could get from the rumor mill is that he came back with a lot of loot and the few who knew him or of him before the war said he was a very different man when he returned.

At this point I feel like my mind wants this infatuation and these dreams to end so that I can move on, but my heart wants them to continue because the idea of being with him is so invigorating. Rosie is probably right though. I have a crush on my idea of Sir Marcus, I know next to nothing about the real man.

I think I will indulge myself again tonight with the memory of last night's dream in mind, if only to make it easier for me to fall asleep.

10th Day of Summer

My dream last night was incredibly bizarre. I think I need to try to get a handle on these thoughts about Sir Marcus. He may be the most handsome man I have ever met but there is no reason to let my fantasies lead me to behavior like this.

I have never written anything here about how I pleasure myself, but I feel I need to now to compare what was so strange about last night. I usually just rub the outside of my labia softly and quietly until I start to feel aroused. Once I feel excited enough, I begin to pleasure my clit by rubbing it to bring myself to a climax. For me that is usually enough to clear my mind and get to sleep when I am feeling lustful.

Last night I started fantasizing about the dream I had the night before and I quickly went from my normal routine to putting my fingers inside myself. I had never felt so intensely compelled to do that before! As I was rubbing inside myself and getting excited, I suddenly started dreaming again! One minute it was my hand inside me, the next I was dreaming that Sir Marcus was with me, arms wrapped around me from behind!

His right fingers were inside me just as mine had been before, but he was not moving them and his left hand was fondling my breast. He asked me "Do you want me to continue?" I nodded my head, yes. Then he asked me "Will you submit to me?" I was so excited by that point all I could do is beg him "Please, I will submit, just make me climax!" His cheek stubble rubbed against my face as he smiled and said "Good enough, for now" and used his strong hands to rub inside me in just the right way to bring me to an orgasm.

The feeling of having him wrapped around me, possessing me like that, felt so right! It was like I had surrendered control of my body to him to do with as he would. I don't know why that felt so right, so safe, but it did!

I'm not sure if it was the dream or if I really finished pleasuring myself, but the resulting climax was the most intense I have ever felt. My entire body tensed up like it had never before and I shook for what felt like ten whole minutes coming down from it. The moment it hit my mind went blank in a white flash of nothing but pure ecstasy!

That feeling was on my mind all day today. While I tried to keep my thoughts as chaste as possible, my body definitely wanted things to go further. I had to excuse myself after seeing him today to change my drawers as they were soaked through!

If I do dream about him again tonight, I hope the result is just as intense!

Today was the last day of formal courting. It is apparently tradition for the suitors to present gifts at these events. I was both excited to see what these rich noblemen brought me and a bit conflicted because it still feels like they are trying to buy me from my father.

When I talked with Anna and Rosie while preparing this morning we speculated about what the men would present. Anna had all of these fantastic ideas about beautiful dresses or jewelry, but Rosie and I both agreed that a lot of the gifts would be officially going to me, but would be really pointed to my father, since he is the one who ultimately makes the decision.

They were both partially right. The men trying to convince my father, like Duke Meris and Sir Hans Leffner's family, gave gifts that were pointed more at him than me. Duke Meris game me title to a village...how romantic. Hans' family was a bit cleverer about it, he gave me a beautiful young mare from their family's stables. Their game was given away when he spent much of the time telling my father how good her issue would be if bred with his best stallions. It honestly didn't sound much different than the way Hans had been talking about me the whole week!

The men who did give me gifts for me were mostly just nice things. A finely engraved silver mirror, a couple of tiaras for formal events, and a few necklaces.

Then Sir Marcus approached. I was curious what a low-level knight with no chance of winning my hand would give to me. On one hand it probably wouldn't be wise to give a substantial thing just to win my father or my favor, on the other he did supposedly come back from the war with a lot of valuable things.

He came before me and bowed as the others had, professed his desire to continue to court me which I said he could, and kissed the back of my hand as before. Again, it was like lighting went through me when his lips touched my skin. Finally, he gave me a fine necklace of a silver chain with a ruby set in a silver setting. The setting is simple, but the ruby is beautiful. He told me the gem would strengthen the connection he felt was between us. The way he said it made it sound like the others' rather generic romantic platitudes, but he was looking right in my eyes when he said it and something in his gaze said there was more to what he said.

Sir Marcus asked for a chance to dance with me, and I quickly agreed as I wanted a chance to talk to him and perhaps be closer to him. He is incredibly good looking and charming, and it might be my only chance to dance with him. For a soldier he danced very confidently, like a man who had been dancing his whole life. The whole time I felt as long as I followed his lead our dance would be perfect.

I took the opportunity to ask him some questions about himself. I didn't want to let him know that I knew some things already so some of them were things I already knew. He said he did spend a long time at war. His father took him to war as a squire and he earned his knighthood after a battle, unfortunately his father and both brothers died when the enemy retook their capital, and he was captured. He then offered to tell me sometime of how he escaped from the enemy's dungeons!

He asked me some questions which led me to believe he may be aware that I have an eye for him. He asked if I had enjoyed having all these rich and powerful men try to win my favor, which I responded that I had. He then cleverly asked me: "Any in particular?" and I felt like being coy so I responded that I "had my eye on some more than others" while looking right into his eyes. The smile he gave me in return was so mischievous, but so perfect.

If I don't see Sir Marcus again, I think it will take me quite some time to get over him.

11th Day of Summer

I think these nighttime experiences might be more than just dreams.

Normally when I wake up I forget what I dreamed about within an hour or so, but these dreams about Sir Marcus stay with me. I see them vividly when I am experiencing them and remember them as if they actually happened and they are so much more real than other dreams. I can remember more than just seeing and hearing, I can remember smells, tastes, and feelings too!

Last night's dream was again extremely intense. I found myself in my room, wearing the necklace that Sir Marcus gave me and nothing else. I drew symbols around frame of the door to my room and lit a candle on either side of it, then I remember calling for Sir Marcus and saying that I wanted to be with him.

The door opened and rather than the hallway it was another room entirely! He was standing in the doorway shirtless and magnificent! He walked to me, embraced me and we kissed the deepest kiss I could even dream about. It was forceful and passionate in a way that I never knew I wanted!

He pushed me onto the bed with him on top of me and I wrapped my legs around him. He kissed my lips and my body and caressed and fondled me like he just wanted to feel and pleasure everything about me. It was just too stimulating to describe in words.

Then he pulled back and looked deep into my eyes and said: "I want to have you, Abigail. Surrender yourself to me and I can show you a world of pleasure like nothing even your privileged life can give you! Grant me your mind, body, and soul and we can truly be together!"

Then, without waiting for an answer, he leaned in to kiss me while reaching down to push himself inside me. Frustratingly, just as I felt his manhood begin to press into me, I awoke again.

There was something in the way he said it, and something in his eyes as well, that made me feel like there was more to what he was asking for than just agreeing to marry him or run away with him. He wanted me...or wants me to give myself to him completely and totally. The strange thing is, and I cannot believe I am writing this, I think I want to. I barely know him but something in my mind makes me feel like I am meant to belong to him. Or perhaps a that part of me is already his.

Today I secretly listened to my father and his councilors talk about the various suitors. They way they talked about them was so matter of fact, as if this was a business deal rather than a marriage. Not once did I hear even my father mention whether I might like or dislike the men they were discussing. I heard them talking about Duke Meris, and how important it was to the Duchy for him to be placated. Then, they discussed the Leffners and how trade with them would mean a lot of value for both families.

I wish my father would think of me as more than just something to trade. Doesn't he worry about what his decision will mean for me?

12th Day of Summer

Rather than the passionate dreams I have been having, last night's was a nightmare.

I dreamt of my father telling me that he had chosen to marry me to Duke Meris. I protested, but he harshly told me that I had to do my duty. Then I found myself walking down the middle of the Abbey, with Duke Meris on the other end smirking like had just won some money.

When I reached them Duke Meris took a rope which I suddenly noticed was tied around my neck, thanked my father, and handed it off to one of his servants, telling them to take me to his room. At which point they dragged me out of the room.

I then found myself in my own room, with Meris sitting fat and naked on my bed dragging me by the rope towards him. He said "Come here, girl, and do what I bought you to do." He pulled the rope until my face was just before his, grabbed my face and pulled me in to kiss him. Just as his lips touched mine I jumped awake.

The dream haunted me all day. Until now I had been dreading the thought of being married to Sir Hans who is just a dumb brute, but now I can't get the image of being forced to kiss and have the children of Duke Meris, a fat greedy old man who only has a chance at marrying me because he is richer than my father and bought the favor of the King.